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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be utterley furious with XFIL??

67 replies

macdoodle · 02/04/2010 21:47

DD's with their father today, they go out for lunch with his parents.

DD1 is 8 (nearly 9) she is gorgeous And healthy, and fit and active, she has a small little puppy fat belly (I think she is starting to change shape for puberty)

She is however, one of the tallest and biggest in her class, and thanks to the bloody culture today, is already aware and self conscious of her body shape, and needs lots of reassuring that she isn't fat

Am very aware of increasing rates of eating disorders in pre teens (am a GP), and spend a lot of time building her self esteem and confidence, and reinforcing healthy lifestyle rather than food=fat

She comes home from her dad, and we head off to visit family, she is very quiet, then blurts out "mum am I fat"
Seems XFIL spent ALL of lunch teasing her about her fat belly, calling her "fatty tum tum", and asking her when she was going on a diet

I reassure her, and look at her to discover she is sobbing her little heart out, she just won't be reassured, takes me all day to try and clear the odious comments out of her head. She is clearly upset that someone she loves believes she is fat, she is adamant he meant it and wasn't just teasing
Seems XMIL and XH finally stopped it when she burst into tears

God I am so bloody angry I could go round there and rip his head off and stomp on him, what on earth was he thinking, I alreaday have issues with them, but this is close to the final straw

PS Am opening my profile for a bit pics of DD1 on there in a min just in case anyone thinks I am deluded and she is massively obese

OP posts:
Original poster
macdoodle · 02/04/2010 22:30

I cant talk to him/them, I just cant, not that they would talk to me or take notice of anything I said
They support their nasty abusive son, and I can see why he is the way he is

I have texted XH is strong terms (our main means of communicating unfortunately) and told him if it happens ONCE more I will be taking steps to prevent any contact with them!

There are lots of previous issues, XMIL "stealing" DD2, and hiding away with her It was after that I stopped their regular contact with them, now they only see them with their dad which is luckily alternate weeks at the very most and usually less than monthly!

OP posts:
tasmaniandevilchaser · 02/04/2010 22:31

your poor dd! I had a look at the pics and she's lovely btw (and the baby too!).

Men are absolute twats when it comes to this, my Dad often made comments about my weight and did it up to very very recently (I'm 36!!!!).I love my dad but he is a twat sometimes. I am feisty enough now to tell him very very clearly that this is not on. He did it throughout my pregnancy, and didn't stop until I snapped in the street one day and told him if he ever mentioned my weight again, he would never see his grandchild. That stopped him. Finally.

So YANBU.

Eglu · 02/04/2010 22:31

Your daughter is lovely. I think old people just don't get it though. My Gran constantly went on at me for how skinny I was. It went on for years. Consequently as a teenager I was very self concsious as a teenager about being too thin. Only recently have I found out that all of my friends were jealous of me.

DS1 is skinny like I was. I will not let my Gran say anything to undermine his confidence.

RunawayWife · 02/04/2010 22:31

What did your EX say?

Original poster
macdoodle · 02/04/2010 22:32

He didnt respond, not surprised!
I will try to talk to him when he gets back form working away, by which time I may have calmed down a bit!

OP posts:
Angelcat666 · 02/04/2010 22:33

YANBU

Your XFIL is an idiotic, imbecilic twat [mad] and he needs his eyes testing.

Your daughter is beautiful

pranma · 02/04/2010 22:36

I think your dd is beautiful and not at all fat.what a cruel thoughtless man your xfil is.

ThatVikRinA22 · 02/04/2010 22:37

do you have contact with XFil? if so i think i would have to tell him to shut the fuck up.
gawd almighty, how stupid is he?

nickschick · 02/04/2010 22:38

I think you have 2 beautiful daughters.

I would like you to tell your dd that my son who is 14 asked who she was and I told him the outline of what you told her and he said she is cute and that she looks well funky!!!

her grandfather however needs a twat of the year award.

pigletmania · 02/04/2010 22:39

Macdoodle both your dds are gorgeous so lovely. Why dont you talk to your XDH about it as its unacceptable, your dd is his child too and he should be concerned about he way in which his parents talk to dd. If this happens again dont allow her to go with them unless they sort out their horrid behaviour.

annielouisa · 02/04/2010 23:10

You have a beautiful DD. My DGD1is now 10 and went through the puppy fat teasing by some tiny girls in her class.

My DGD1 is tall for her age and starting puberty and has become very sporty so the podge has become muscle with football practice and boxersize, definetley not a girly girly call her princess at your peril.

I am sure your DD is at the stage she was about a year ago and so much of her shape will change

maristella · 02/04/2010 23:52

your dd's are beautiful!
what a nasty old man their gf is
do you have a solicitor? if you inform them; they would be able to send a letter insisting that your dd is not subjected to anything like this when having contact with her father. when in his care he is responsible to protect from harm, any harm.

mariedj · 03/04/2010 00:22

Maybe you could show your DD the posts of people saying she is beautiful? Might give her a boost. She is lovely btw.

ElleBing · 03/04/2010 00:25

First off, your DD is very pretty and NOT FAT.

Secondly, I can't abide idiots who can't see the damage they do to young people when they make snidey remarks like this about weight. It's donright fucking rude for a start as well as being just plain wrong.

My step-gran used to make catty remarks to me when I put on weight as a teenager. it got to me at first but then I just started making sindey remarks in return. "Are you very tired, gran? You've got terrible eye bags " Not that I'm suggesting that you encourage DD to be rude to the old twat.

Condensedmilkaddict · 03/04/2010 08:08

Macdoodle - your daughter is beautiful.

I would very calmly tell the dickhead ex father in law, that if he ever says anything remotely insulting to your daughter again, that you will not allow her to visit him.

I am furious on your behalf.

alicet · 03/04/2010 08:21

I scrolled all through your pictures and only realised who your dd1 must be when I got to the bottom. I had scrolled past the pictures of her thinking 'it can't possibly be that beautiful little girl - she isn't fat at all'

I too would be livid. And I agree absolutely with your response that if it happens again you will take steps to ensure that her grandparents do not see her.

Is it worth sending a letter by registered mai lto your dh stating as such? If it happened again it might help your case to stop them seeing her again? As long as you are able to write a letter that is to the point and factual and clearly outlines your concerns (with a lot of 'as a GP I see girls with eating disorders blah blah' and stays away from insults and personal stuff?

dizzydixies · 03/04/2010 08:31

how awful, thank goodness she only has to see these people on such a rare occassion

fingers crossed that even though EH seems to be a twat he will draw the line at his parents bullying his wee girl

when I had my DDs I informed my parents on NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that their weight was never to be discussed in the way that mine always was being brought up - for example the first thing my aunt asks me when she phones is 'how is your weight darling' even when I was a 12-14, can you imagine how horrified she is now that I'm much larger and I truelybelieve there is some part of me being defiant about it all

am not surprised you're furious and I would be tempted to write them a letter explaining that their actions are not acceptable and how upset she is - I wouldn't be able to trust myself not to fecking roar at them if I had to speak to them in person

LoveBeingAMummy · 03/04/2010 08:39

How terrible I can't believe that people are like this and don't see how much they are hurting soeone until they crack. I wouldn't be able to help myself from saying something to them, maybe a letter? Would this be good as a paper trail incase you decide to take thing further and prevent all contact?

You sound like you are doing a great job with your dd and she's not there far off being able to say if she doesn't want to see people.

mesobitchy · 03/04/2010 09:29

I've just checked back here, and have now seen your DD- she is beautiful and totally not fat!

Am still boiling a bit inside for you.

My DD is 10 nearly 11 and so obsessed with her weight, even though she is (naturally) very thin. I have to constantly reassure her that she is completely normal, and not fat as she so often call herself.

A remark like that is so cruel to young girls, girls who have enough 'pressure' from the media. I can't imagine how furious you must be.

Bloody bully XFIL.

Original poster
macdoodle · 03/04/2010 09:35

Oh well tried to talk to XH, but as expected he ended up having a go at me and putting the phone down!
I knew there was no way he would take any notice of anything I said, even said in a calm way!
He said it wasnt as harsh as DD1 made out, and was "just" teasing
I explained how distraught she was, and how I was worried about the risks of eating disorders, he just laughed!
I asked him if he thought it was ok for XFIL to bully DD1 till she cried, like he used to do to him, and if he didnt stand up for her she would end up hating him He put the phone down!

DD1 seems back to normal today, but this body image thing is always there

OP posts:
Original poster
macdoodle · 03/04/2010 09:36

As you can see there is good reason he is my XH, and I have no contact with XIL's!
Good riddance!!

OP posts:
dizzydixies · 03/04/2010 09:40

oh macdoodle - it sounds like your XFIL has been a bully all his life and XDH is still spineless

thank goodness your DDs have you as a positive role model who can give them the facilities/coping mechanisms to deal with these idiots

QOD · 03/04/2010 09:43

Doesn't it make you sick? She's a lovely girl (and I want to squeeze "piglet" and snuggle her) and in no way fat.
People are idiots, and it's normally people with "issues" over their own body that are super mean.
My dd & niece are to be bridesmaids for SIL (not nieces mum) and SIL told DN that she needs to lose a few lbs first!!! DN is 12 and yes, solidly built with a tummy podge but HELLO!! SIL is a blummin size 22!! (but has announced she'll be a size 10 by the wedding)
DN is realllly upset about it all now and horribly self conscious.

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 03/04/2010 09:44

Does she have to see them?

porcamiseria · 03/04/2010 09:44

WHAT A TWAT

pls have a word, agree its so hard for pubescant girls these days, DEF say something

again, TWAT