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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect the school to tell me where my 5 yo DD is ?

70 replies

brassband · 31/03/2010 17:44

I went to pick my reception aged child up from school this afternoon .By the time I got there the teacher had already started letting them out and DD wasn't there.I looked around the playground and couldn't see her.the teacher told me she had gone with a friend who lives in a different area.I vaguely remember discussing with the mum last week that wednesday would probably be a good night but we hadn't made a firm arrangement as far as I can remember.
This family lives in a different area and I hadn't got as far as asking phone numbers and address.
I explained this to the school and asked for this girls address.They wouldn't tell me because they said it was confidential information.Eventually after talking to another parent I managed to get a phone number,which I rung but there was no reply.
After getting back from picking DS up there was a message on the answer phone saying they would bring her back at 6.But still I have no idea where she is
I am furious with the school for giving away my dd to someone without my consent and then refusing to give me their address.

OP posts:

MathsMadMummy · 31/03/2010 17:48

YANBU that is really not on!

Even when my DSDs were in yr6 they had to confirm I (stepmum) was picking them up!

pjmama · 31/03/2010 17:48

I would be furious too! The very least they could have done is call the family on your behalf, if they weren't willing to give you their details. Don't the school have any kind of policy re: picking up? On the odd occasion I pick my niece up from school, my sister has to call first and tell them otherwise they won't let me take her. I'd have a chat to the head and find out what's gone wrong here.

DorotheaPlenticlew · 31/03/2010 17:49

Sounds v dodgy.

runnybottom · 31/03/2010 17:49

Shouldn't you be furious with a parent who takes your child with no arrangement and no details exchanged?

FabIsGettingThere · 31/03/2010 17:50

Under the circumstances that she had your child without your knowledge then the school should have given you her number or at least phoned for you. How did she leave you a message if you hadn't exchanged numbers?

I also think the mother is out of order to take your child without a firm arrangement. I would have so pissed off.

Pheebe · 31/03/2010 17:51

Bottom line is this other parent should not have been able to take your daughter unless YOU had given your permission to the school. I would be writing a letter of complaint at the very least.

valleyqueen · 31/03/2010 17:51

When my dd was in infant school we had to tell the teacher if they were going home with someone else,even if it was a class mate.

I would be really annoyed about it.

Original poster

brassband · 31/03/2010 17:54

'How did she leave you a message if you hadn't exchanged numbers?'

Because when the friend gave me this mums number and I rang it, I left a message asking her to ring me back.

OP posts:

GrimmaTheNome · 31/03/2010 17:55

At DDs school, in infants, if someone other than a parent (or regular GP, au pair etc) was picking up a child you had to put their name on a sheet and sign.

Letting your child go without them having had written or even verbal permission is bad, and then not giving the address (or phoning for you) is entirely wrong.

tkband3 · 31/03/2010 17:57

There is no way our school would let a child go home with another parent without at the least verbal confirmation from the child's parent. A friend of mine is very ill at the moment and a few of us are taking it in turns to help with the school run - even then, if the school have not been told of the arrangement, they insist on phoning my friend to confirm, although they have been relenting a little lately, as it is always the same three parents who collect on her behalf so they are used to our arrangement now.

Like you, I'd be furious with the school for letting your DD go with this mother without proper confirmation from you (and with the mother for not giving you her contact details) and would be asking for an appointment with the head asap.

LisaD1 · 31/03/2010 17:57

I would be furious with the school AND the other mother.

The school absolutely should not allow your child to just leave with another parent without your permission. I would be taking this up with them if I were in your position.

GeekOfTheWeek · 31/03/2010 17:59

I would be pissed off with the school and the other mum tbh.

I would have kicked up a major fuss had that have happened with my dd.

So they were happy to let her go with another adult without consent but then wouldn't give out details to where she had gone. Ridiculous.

OtterInaSkoda · 31/03/2010 18:23

I'd be annoyed with the other mother - if she was at all uncertain as to how firm the arrangement was she should have waited for you just in case you turned up.

I would be happy enough however for the school let my ds go home with a classmate's parent, and assume I'd given the OK. If I had any concerns that someone I knew was liable to abduct him I'd instruct the school not to allow him to go with anyone other than me.

Ideally the school should have called the other parent on your behalf. I can understand why they didn't give you the other parent's details (and doubt they were allowed to).

EvilTwins · 31/03/2010 18:27

If the kids were already being let out, does that mean you were late picking her up? In which case, perhaps the other mother noticed you weren't there and assumed therefore that the tentative arrangement was actually fixed. Perhaps it's a case of crossed wires with the other mother.

However, the school is at fault - your DD's teacher should not have taken anyone's word but yours that she would be going with another person.

OtterInaSkoda · 31/03/2010 18:30

Oh before being too harsh on the other parent - I wonder if she has older DCs and has forgotten the protocol for these things at Reception age, iyswim. Or if she didn't know the protocol in the first place. Or if as far as she was concerned your arrangement was pretty firm.

She might be posting on here later:

AIBU to expect other dc's mum to have given me her number before an after-school playdate?

hocuspontas · 31/03/2010 18:32

Yes - definitely get back to the school. But I can imagine the scene. Two excited girls swearing blind that they were going home together, the other mother not sure but assuming that it's arranged and okaying it. You not being there etc. But school wrong to let her go.

activate · 31/03/2010 18:32

did the school not offer to contact the parent on your behalf?

wolfnipplechips · 31/03/2010 18:33

Yab a little unreasonabale but only because i think the blame lies with the other mother, after school play dates are common so another parent picking up is fine from the schools point of view.

The other parent is the one at faultalthough i would imagine she thought she had a firm agreement otherwise she wouldn't have done it. As a rule i always text the other parent on the am of playdates to ask if we are still ok to go ahead just in case they froget to pick my child up. A class list is a good idea too with everyones b days and contact details and address so as you can always get in touch if necessary.

elmofan · 31/03/2010 18:36

yanbu , i would be livid tbh . i hope all is well & you have your DD back safe & sound . i would be having a word with this other mum as to why she took your dd home with her without confirming arrangements with you first .

OnlyWantsOne · 31/03/2010 18:38

Oh my goodness that is terrible!!!!!

I could complain to the school. And ask the other parent- in future to confirm things properly, or don't let your DD go and play there again.

Terrible.

mumbar · 31/03/2010 18:46

OMG YANBU how dare they. They have a duty of care towards your DD that has been broken. And you telling the school that you had not given permission for your child to go with this parent and that you did not know addreess telephone number surely they could have ontacted this parent. I appreciate confidentiality stops them from giving it out but DOES NOT stop them from helping you - seems as it was there mistake.

If school has document on policy on picking up etc look at it or ask for a copy and then meet with the head as a matter of urgency.

If they do it again call the police and report her missing they won't do it again if the reputation of the school is on the line.

RJRabbit · 31/03/2010 18:55

What mumbar said, definitely

FabIsGettingThere · 31/03/2010 18:58

I would be seriously pissed off if the school were giving out class lists with my children dob, address and phone number on . As it is our school only used to give class lists out if you asked for them in reception. Not sure what they would do now as I have no need for a list.

I pick up my middle child first and then go for my one in reception. I got there once to find my son with the teacher and another child and her mum waiting. My son was convinced he was going home with his little friend as she had invited him. Thankfully the mum thought it was funny and the teacher knows my situation so was not letting him go as I hadn't said so.

Original poster

brassband · 31/03/2010 19:00

She's back safe and sound !
i didn't say anything to the mum because her intentions were good.She couldn't see me in the playground and presumably didn't want to leave DD stranded.

OP posts:

FabIsGettingThere · 31/03/2010 19:01

I think you were wrong not to say anything.

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