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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I have namechanged for this, I don't think I am being unreasonable

54 replies

SelkirkGrace · 30/03/2010 15:14

Yesterday was DS1's birthday, he's 12. During the course of the evening, my mum stepdad and brother rang, then my other brother, then DH's mum, and DH's stepdad rang back when he got in from work. my 2 aunts rang as well. All to wish him happy Birthday.
all my cousins and some friends left him birthday messages on my FB page,a dn eh got ome texts too. All except FIL and step MIL.
DS1 did say at bedtime "granny and grandad and nana dn papa all rang but gran and granpa didn't, why's that".
I said maybe they were busy.

Anyway, today their card arrived. Dh said at lunchtime "DS1 will have to ring my dad and say thank you for the card"
I said "NO, he won't ring, he can send a text, or you can get him post a message on FB (Normally I wouldn't suggest that option)"

DH said I am being unreasonable, as it's not his dad and step mums fault they didn't ring to wish him happy birthday - well who's fault was it then?

I know you will all say IABU, he's 12 and shoud get over, but this is the latest in a long line of things

OP posts:

bumpybecky · 30/03/2010 15:16

perhaps they tried to ring and couldn't get through? hardly surprising given all the other calls...

Portoeufino · 30/03/2010 15:16

I really would not make a big deal of this. Maybe they WERE busy! At least they sent a card.

Original poster

SelkirkGrace · 30/03/2010 15:16

Oh and I namechanged because I have a feeling that SMIL's neice is on here too - comments have been made

OP posts:

Bucharest · 30/03/2010 15:17

He should ring and point out to the miserable feckers that his birthday was yesterday, not today.....

I shouldn't worry too much tbh, your son is of an age where he'll realise of his own accord that some people in his life just aren't worth the hassle, despite the accidental sharing of dna.

That's the way I look at it with the set of grandparents who dd has to ring on her birthday so they can greet her.....and who, in 6 yrs have never bought a present, not once, for birthday or Christmas.

Pikelit · 30/03/2010 15:17

YABU to be making lists of who has, and hasn't, phoned or sent cards to be honest. Don't make the situation worse by refusing to allow your son to phone his grandparents and thank them for their card.

Original poster

SelkirkGrace · 30/03/2010 15:18

Porto - I know I shouldn't make a big deal out of it. But I Am. I'm just getting so fed up of a whole load of other things said/not said and done/not done with them

OP posts:

thighsmadeofcheddar · 30/03/2010 15:18

YABU - he got a card today. Maybe they thought the card would arrive on the day. It's really nothing big in the scheme of things.

JaneS · 30/03/2010 15:19

People have different attitudes to birthdays. My mum's parents would never have rung me up to say Happy Birthday. They always sent cards and it wouldn't have occurred to them that I would even want to speak to 'us old fogies' that day. Surely a 12 year old can understand that not everyone will respond the same way, and that he's not the centre of the universe?

Hullygully · 30/03/2010 15:19

I think you should go round there and have it out with them. This sort of thing makes me sick to my marrow.

Joolyjoolyjoo · 30/03/2010 15:20

I'd just let him phone them to keep the peace, tbh. It may be they tried to phone yesterday and couldn't get through for some reason, and they did send a card (albeit a day late!) which does take a bit more effort than a phone call. I wouldn't make a big deal of it- your ds will be aware of friction there and will feel uneasy about it.

mjinhiding · 30/03/2010 15:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

assumetheposition · 30/03/2010 15:21

Since when do you ring and thank people for cards

Presents yes, they need a thank you card.
But cards do not need acknowledging, otherwise you'd have to send a text to thank someone for the phonecall thanking you for the card.

You'd be there all bloody day.

But maybe they couldn't get through, in which case they should try again today, or not.

Don't lose sleep over it though.

msrisotto · 30/03/2010 15:22

YABU

They sent a card, it isn't tradition for my whole family to call on birthdays and sounds a bit mad on the day. I don't see the slight.

Original poster

SelkirkGrace · 30/03/2010 15:22

I know he's not the centre of their universe. However, he is PIL's grandson, and due to the fact that he told BIL that he had to choose between FIL or his wife, he doesn't see his other 3 grandchildren, I thought they would make an effort.

OP posts:

chitchat07 · 30/03/2010 15:22

These things are far more important to some families than they are to others. My DH's family all call each other on their birthdays, whereas my family pretty much let it slide unless it's a big one.

Having said that, if it's not important enough to them to ring him, then your DS shouldn't have to ring them either, and can just send a note or some such. What goes around comes around.....

ConnieComplaint · 30/03/2010 15:23

YABU. Ds's b'day is December 27. Nobody ever remembers, not even my sister & brother (his godparents).... my sis always texts or calls on December 28th to wish ds a happy birthday - he's 6 next birthday, it's a waste of my time trying to remind them.

Actually, when I put their birthday in a local paper last year, even I put ds's b'day in the wrong date!!

If there's more to it than meets the eye then maybe you are right to feel like you do, but on the face of the birthday thing, YABU.

Krugerellie · 30/03/2010 15:24

Never understood why you have to say thank you for a card. A gift, yes, but not a card surely? My DH is the same. Makes DD phone his relatives to say thank yous, but never mine. Feeling slightly guilty as it was my DB's birthday on Sunday and I didn't phone him. Agree, maybe they couldn't get through as you had so many calls.

KurriKurri · 30/03/2010 15:24

I think at twelve, mine would have got a bit fed up with a barrage of relatives ringing them all evening on their birthdays. Do your IL's know this is expected?

I don't think children's birthdays should be a battle ground for family disagreements by either side.

ConnieComplaint · 30/03/2010 15:25

Really Hully?

JaneS · 30/03/2010 15:26

But they did make an effort, they sent a card, didn't they?

Hullygully · 30/03/2010 15:27

Yes, it is always a problem in families when people don't get things out in the open and really thrash them out. It leads to bad blood and festering. And ignoring a poor child's birthday is just punishing for the sake of it.

Original poster

SelkirkGrace · 30/03/2010 15:27

I don't know if they know it's expected or not. I do know that FIL and SMIL expect a phone call from DH and the DSes on their birthdays. They also expect DH to ring SIL and wish her Happy Birthday.

I guess that because all my family do it - even with adults, then I assumed that they would have taken delight in speaking to the grandson that they haven't seen since May.

And, to whoever asked, I wasn't keeping check on the birthday comments on FB, I noticed them all because so many pople posted on ym wall, which is in iteslf unusual

OP posts:

usualsuspect · 30/03/2010 15:28

Sounds like you are making a mountain out of a molehill ..tbh I wouldn't have been able to keep track of who called ,texted or facebooked

lifeissweet · 30/03/2010 15:28

It sounds to me as though your ds has a lot of people to care about him and make a fuss about him on his birthday. He is lucky. To be bothered by a card arriving a day late is a bit much. It is not thoughtlessness on their behalf - not sending a card at all would be, but I wouldn't even notice that if it were me.

YABU about this incident, but maybe if there is an ongoing problem with these grandparents then that is another issue.

MrsSawdust · 30/03/2010 15:29

Blimey, what a fuss over nothing. They did send a card. My grandparents would never have dreamed of phoning me on my birthday.

I think my dad will ring my dd on hers (only had 1 bday so far) but since he's the only grandparent still alive out of all 4, he makes a special effort with her.

Your ds has 6 grandparents - and he spoke to 4 of them on the day and got cards from all of them! Lucky boy!

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