that irritable threads should have a flag that indicates to posters of a trivial disposition that this is not the the place for humour?

[OrmRenewed]

Perhaps a coloured icon that changes colour from green to red by registering the numbers of 'feck offs' and 'FFS!!' that occur.

I tend to dive in with a joke and then feel like I've burst into a room with a fart joke only to find that there is nasty domestic spat going on.

Beans, beans, the musical fruit
The more you eat, the more you toot,
The more you toot, the better you feel,
So lets eat beans with every meal!

(Only don't tell CocoChantelle about this because she would really, really disapprove of baked beans unless I'd made them myself)

Sorry - I forgot to post the ruder version:

Beans, beans, they're good for the heart,
The more you eat, the more you fart,
The more you fart, the better you feel,
So best eat beans with every meal.

(Same disclaimer applies)

Thanks Stayin I only knew the first 2 lines of that one!!

One to be sung to the tune of Scotland the Brave:

Fart, fart, my bum is calling
Must be beans I ate this morning
Run to the toilet and then fall on the floo-oo-or
If there's no toilet paper,
Use your finger as a scraper
If you've no fingers, wipe your bum on the wall.

That one is courtesy of ds2. I apologise.

Whats the verdict here btw? which word is worse? Fart or Trump?

I always think "pop" suffices

orm, nice idea to have a hostility meter (bit like a swingometer, hey) but I think it's great when someone comes in and temporarily derailsfuses the situation with humour and wit. Or even just silliness.

Trying to remember a joke:
why are politicians like dirty nappies?
Cos they're full of shit and need to be changed regularly.

Fluff is a nice fluffy term for it.

Gah! Missed a bit
They're a pain in the arse, full of shit and need to be changed regularly.
[doh!]

I like to spread the love. Flowers are good too.

There is always room for a bit more love.

Hully, like your style - like it so much we use it twice (but then DS is only 2) - shortly will be moving up to fart. Pre-speaking we always said he was having a farty party in his nappy.

this is from DS1
apple tart makes you fart,
apple crumble makes you rumble.

I love it when they go through the poo stage. It's like a switch goes on and they just have to say poo all the time. I can understand that.

Poo bum wee wee face was one of my fave insults from ds many years ago. He got even crosser when I laughed.

I entered this thread fully expecting an earnest discussion about how people don't understand and merely trivialise the important isues that people have.

I realise now that its just about at my level and I probably do have something to contribute.

I quite like it when you think it's a jokey thread and it turns into a ding-dong. And vice versa.

We can all relate to poo.

Wind emissions have different names depending on the length, timbre, tone and severity, IMO. Sometimes they are mere pops, sometimes more parps...and occasionally fully blown trumps. I think there is a wealth of words for a very good reason.

My dad's favourite fart joke, which I suspect NO ONE will get but we thought was hillarious as children:

Lord Toffington-Smythington is having his bath. He calls his butler,

• Willoughby! WILLOUGHBY! I want my pipe Willoughby!

Willoughby brings his Lordship his pipe.

• Willoughby! WILLOUGHBY! I want a glass of merlot Willoughby.

Willoughby brings the wine.

• Willoughby! WILLOUGHBY! I want a newspaper Willoughby!

Willoughby brings the ironed newspaper.

His Lordship lights his pipe and opens the newspaper and sips his wine. He relaxes in to his steaming hot bath.

• Willoughby? What are you doing here man? Why are you bringing me a water bottle?

• My appologies Sir, I distinctly heard his Lordship call loudly "Willoughby, I want a wanterbottle Willoughby"

Why did the baker have brown hands?

He kneaded a poo.

Yup, mine is at that 'lovely' stage as well

(DH that is, DS is still a little young)

I must admit I can't help but snigger when DS refers to one of DH's emissions as a "pop-pop" - never more inappropriate! And I nearly PMSL when DH let go with a rip-roarer and then said "pardon" in a little boy voice, just like DS does. Again, just totally incongruous!

MaMight, I don't get the joke, nor know what is this wanterbottle of which you speak, but I am terribly terribly interested in your childhood.