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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"They fuck you up, your mum and dad..."

74 replies

AgentZigzag · 30/03/2010 11:51

Philip Larkin - This Be The Verse

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another's throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don't have any kids yourself.

Were you fucked up by your parents? And is it possible to predict what you'll do that'll fuck up your own children?

OP posts:
mellymooks · 30/03/2010 11:54

Yes I was and no you can't predict.

DramaInPyjamas · 30/03/2010 12:01

That is one of my favourite pieces of poetry.

I agree - Without going into details, I feel that I've been fucked up many times over by my parents, for various reasons.

I do my best to be the complete opposite of them and to not fuck up my own children.
Time will tell.

Original poster
AgentZigzag · 30/03/2010 12:03

Eeek I meant to post in chat not AIBU Apologies.

OP posts:
JoeyBettany · 30/03/2010 12:04

I prefer this version-apologies can't remember who wrote it, or more than the first verse:

They tuck you up, your mum and dad
They read you Peter Rabbit too.
They give you all the treats they had
And add some extra, just for you.

musicposy · 30/03/2010 12:05

No, actually, I don't think I was. My parents were and are great, not perfect(who is?) but overall I think they did a really good job.

As for my own children, I guess only they will be able to say when they are adults. I know I haven't been perfect either. But they do have two parents who love them and always try to do the best for them, just as my parents did, and I hope that in the end that makes the difference.

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 30/03/2010 12:07

I think that we all judge our parents, and will be judged in turn. I also think that when we are small we see our parents as all knowing, perfect beings, and they can never live up to our expectations. So, yes, they have made mistakes, but I'm sure that I am too. Unless your parents have been out and out abusive, I think part of growing up is accepting the mistakes they might have made and forgiving them. I hope for the same grace from my own children.

DelsParadiseWife · 30/03/2010 12:07

My mum has a saying:

'Your parents ruin the first half of your life and your children ruin the second'

CastleDouglas · 30/03/2010 12:08

I was completely fucked up by my parents. Their parenting was an excellent example of how not to bring up your kids. (This is one of my favourite poems, too. )

wem · 30/03/2010 12:09

fucked up is a bit strong, but I certainly spent a long time anxious and unhappy because of my relationship with my mum. But the poem is true, as I've got older I've seen more clearly how she is repeating the relationship she had with her mum, who made her anxious and unhappy, with me and my sisters. I'm trying very hard to forge a better relationship with her and not let her ways get to me.

She has said herself she thinks I've 'broken the cycle' with my daughter, but given that dd is 17 months old, she might be being a bit premature! I hope I have/will, but of course there will be other ways in which I'm not a perfect mum - as if such a thing existed.

hanaflower · 30/03/2010 12:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AgentZigzag · 30/03/2010 12:13

Joey, t'interweb says it was written by Adrian Mitchell and that the middle verse is missing, but there is a third verse

"Man hands on happiness to man.
It shines out like a sweetshop shelf.
So love your parents all you can
And have some cheerful kids yourself."

It is a lot nicer, but for lots of people I suppose life isn't that nice.

It is a great poem, and being fucked up isn't always negative, it can make you a stronger and better parent yourself.

OP posts:
carrotsarenottheonlyvegetable · 30/03/2010 12:14

LOL I think about this a LOT. I love this poem. Also love the Peter Rabbit version - very sweet. I read this for the first time as a teenager and just thought it was wonderful.

Clearly Philip Larkin was as screwed up as they come, and this poem just perfectly encapsulates his state of mind and attitude to life. It's very sad, really, but at the same time soooo true.

My parents are and were fantastic. Obviously not perfect but they haven't screwed me up, I don't think! But the poem reminds us that despite our very best efforts as parents, we all make mistakes - all of us. While the poem itself is pretty disheartening on face value, taking it with something of a pinch of salt makes us feel that actually, it's ok when we screw up, as every parent that's ever been before us has done so too (and usually much worse!).

In fact, I read it not as a disheartening and sad poem, but as a very funny one. Someone ACTUALLY standing up and saying it - parents aren't perfect (shock horror) - and it's not their fault that they're not! The language is designed to shock of course, and it works by really capturing the reader's attention and focusing them on the details of the poem.

Read it with a smile and feel better about being a non-perfect parent!

tallulahbelly · 30/03/2010 12:27

My sister and I were talking last week about how liberal they were which is amazing considering they were a good 10-15 years older than my friends' parents by the time I was born.

However, I still hold a grudge against my mum for various generational prejudices including: 'getting a new one from out the back of the shop'.

The cost in time and embarrassment as she explained this concept in Top Shop haunts me to this day.

daisyj · 30/03/2010 12:41

I'm with Chickens and musicposy. Mine were about as good as it gets, actually. If I can be half as good a mum as mine, I'll be pleased.

They did three things in particular that I really value and hope to pass on to my own children: they always treated me and DB as our own people, not extensions of themselves, put on earth to help them resolve their own failures; they were non-judgemental but at the same time challenged us if we behaved badly; and, through a big network of friends and family we learned to respect and value inter-generational relationships, and I now consider their friends also to be mine - I think many people live in a situation in which nuclear families expect to be able to meet all of each other's needs and are doomed to continual disappointment.

My dd is only one, but already I see that she has that confidence that comes from unconditional love, and my parents are a huge part of her life - I hope they will be around for all of her childhood, so that they can help mitigate mine and DH's inevitable mistakes, and she can go to them when she 'hates' us and everything is 'so unfair' .

Don't get me wrong, they're not perfect, and there are some things they did that I wouldn't (like smacking, for example, which probably didn't help my naturally hot temper and occasional anger 'ishoos'), but they were always always there for us and really listned to us, too.

wem - I think it's really important that when children become adult children they try to meet their patents halfway - all credit to you and your mum for working at it. It's nice to have credit from one's own parents for one's parenting skills, too.

birdsandblossoms · 30/03/2010 12:45

my parents were brilliant and we are good parents too

OrmRenewed · 30/03/2010 12:55

Of course they do. They can't help it in a sense. No-one can parent without leaving their mark on a child. Thankfully most parents do their best to not do any damage, but their traces are still there. It isn't possible to raise a child in a vacuum.

Mine were lovely and I had a good childhood but that doesn't mean that I reached adulthood without any complexes and problems. Bugger me! If that is what we all have to acheive as parents surely we're all going to fail

MadreInglese · 30/03/2010 12:58

I love Larkin

OrmRenewed · 30/03/2010 12:59

And most of my growing up has been done since the age of 18, not before.

thesecondcoming · 30/03/2010 13:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hazeyjane · 30/03/2010 13:07

Oh god, yes they can definitely fuck you up, but (as someone earlier said) I hope that some of the shit they can put you through will make you stronger, and more sensitive to how your actions can affect others.

I don't think it is possible to predict in what ways you might fuck up your own children, I guess all you can do is try to have fun, help them to be good people and try your damndest(sp?) not to inflict your neuroses on them!

megapixels · 30/03/2010 13:10

I find that poem strange tbh, maybe because I can't relate to it at all. My parents made loads of mistakes and I don't think they are perfect, but they were good parents who loved us. If I wanted to I could think of all their mistakes throughout the years and feel hard done by and ***d up (sorry, hate swear words) but I prefer to dwell on the nice things instead and feel lucky about all their (many) good points.

I wouldn't know about how my children would think, I hope they don't feel like the writer of the poem.

tummytime · 30/03/2010 13:11

My parents are and were fab, especially my mum who still works full time but is never ever too busy to take some time out or leave early to spend time with me or siblings (or GCs now). I think it was always very clear that we were the most important things in the world to mum but she also respected our choices even when they were a bit silly. Dad is also good but mostly shows affection by decorating and mending cars.

I hope I can be as good as my mum. We live with them and it is absolutely brilliant to see DD getting a really close relationship with her and her aunts and uncles. Don't think I'll smack though. Or do rusks in milk.

sweetnitanitro · 30/03/2010 13:12

My parents weren't perfect but overall I think they did a good job. Now I'm a parent myself I can see things more from their point of view and I can see what they did wrong and what they did right. Maybe you need to have children before you can get that kind of perspective.

ToccataAndFudge · 30/03/2010 13:12

I love Larkin too - I was strangely drawn to him as a teen coming from a conservative family with little swearing and blunt language, and where everything was said "nicely".

He just gets to the point.

luckyblackcat · 30/03/2010 13:22

I love that poem (and larkin generally)

My mother had addiction/MH issues and made my life hell, my father would do anything for a quiet life so spent most of his time out of the house.

I didn't want DC, as my childhood had been so unhappy and then had a surprise (with my now DH) 10 yrs ago.

I love being a parent, my DC both have SN (DS seriously) and now work as a volunteer at a parenting charity.

I have made it my aim to be a good parent despite my upbringing.

I may have different emphasis than other parents - there must always be food in the house, clean clothes that actually fit and lots of time spent at home making/playing/reading to each other (can you guess what I lacked ) these things are more important to me than expensive days out (please refer to 'We took you to stately homes...)

I think it is possible to break the cycle, although my 3 brothers didn't one committed suicide and the other 2 are drug addicts (with children.)