Oh I know I am but I have an irrational dislike of online wedding lists

[OrmRenewed]

Got one for a wedding in May. Am very fond of bride and groom and wish them the very best and I would have bought them a gift willingly. But receiving a wedding list card with the invitation made me slightly bristly. But tonight I grumbled a bit but got the card out to a ctuallychoose something. And got the message 'Sorry we are not open yet. Please try later'

!!

Look it's your bloody list not mine. Why aren't you open? Am I going to have to dither about for weeks before I get the right to buy you a present?

I know it's convenient and sensible and I do like John Lewis but FFS I am doing you a favour not the other way round.

Am seriously considering buying them a toaster just to make my feelings clear.

But I won't.

Probably.

I find online lists really convient as we live in a very rural area. But I HATE requests for money it seems so mercenary, so entitled and just plain rude!

Lists aren't exactly compulsory, you know! If you want to buy on the list, then buy on the list. If you know them well enough to know that they would like what you would like to give them then go ahead!

I almost wish it would become standard to include a list with birhtday invitations. My DS received some pretty expensive presents but TBH some of them really do feel like a waste of money to me. They take up too much room so won't be able to be out that often or really aren't of interest to him. I could easily have suggested several things that would have been far less expensive but certainly much more appreciated and loved by him. In fact I waited to buy him a small wheelbarrow and rake and spade in case someone bought them for him as he adores helping us in the garden but no one did so I went out and bought them for him last weekend!

What I didn't like about the JL list is that you never see the gift you've paid for. You pay for gift wrap and it gets sent to them direct, no option for it to be sent to you, you wrap it how you like and actually hand it over.

Feels very grabby to send direct. You might as well send cash. I would actually like to look at the 4 bloody expensive bowls I've just paid for and maybe pick my own wrapping paper...

When I got married I had been living with my husband for 7 years. We had hand me down saucepans with broken handles, mismatched bedlinen and virtually no cutlery or kitchen utensils. We had also been renovating our house for three years and had no money to spend on these things.

We had a wedding list and I can honestly say we have loved receiving and continue to enjoy every single item that was given to us from it. I always look at the wedding presents and remember my wedding day and the person who bought it for me.

Fwiw John Lewis tells the bride and groom what date the wedding list will be active from. It is not something the bride and groom have any control over.

We had a list as people had asked what they could give and we made sure that we had things that cost a variety of prices. Unfortunately one of the first people to give us a present spent a reasonable amount but chose to give us lots of things so that didn't cost so much rather than one or two bigger things with the money IYSWIM. Which then meant when everybody else went to have a look at the list it looked like there weren't any cheap things on it so we had to quickly add a few more cheap things on it as we knew there would be some people who couldn't afford very much and we didn't want them to feel they had to give us something they couldn't afford. We would have been happy just to have them there without a present but they were insistent they wanted to give us something. But it has meant that these days if we get a list I do tend to make sure I buy something that is about the value I want to spend or maybe two things to make it up rather than choose all the cheapest bits!

Of the stuff we got given randomly, there is lots that is still sitting in its boxes that I can't see us ever using, but some stuff was great that we hadn't thought of getting and is in regular use. Best was a picnic rucksack with plates and cutlery and coolbag bit, matching waterproof blanket to sit on and matching bottle holder. Bottle holder came complete with a bottle of champagne in. Was a lovely present and still makes us reminisce when we have picnics, about the wedding and the lovely people that gave it to us. All we need now is a decent summer so we can use it a bit more often

StricklyKatty - if you go into John Lewis you can ask for the list and then buy the actual thing and take it with you if you want, but make sure when you pay you give the casher the list details to remove that item, or the couple could get two...

Why do people get all sniffy about wedding lists? I think they're great. I DETEST shopping, and get myself all stressed about whether or not the couple will already have/ want the thing I have chosen. Most wedding lists I've seen include a good few things in my price range anyway.

The way I see it, I am not going to be going to the wedding without a present- that would just seem ruder than rude to me (although I wouldn't have given a stuff if anyone had turned up to mine without a present) So, given that I'm going to part with a certain amount of money anyway, I'd rather feel it was going on something the couple want, rather than on something that would sit in a shed for the next 10 years (until I spied it again on ebay!) Even if that means cash- what's it to me? I'm going to spend the cash, and hate shopping, so although I personally wouldn't ask for cash, I really don't give a hoot if that is what they want- saves me any effort whatsoever!

We rarely get invited to weddings (everyone we know seems to be already married or terminally single!) so to go to one is a day/ night out for us, where we will be wined and dined and enjoy a party, paid for by someone else. Why is everyone always so dour about weddings in general?

At the last wedding we went to, my cousin had a list where you could "buy" things for their honeymoon, like a romantic dinner/ a rollercoaster ride/ whitewater rapid trip- I really liked that. I'd rather feel I was contributing to a honeymoon they will never forget than to buy a mouldy old vase or something.

Strictlykatty- I'm the opposite. I just love the fact that I dont have to wrap it and take it with me. Dont care what it looks like- they wanted it, I bought it, job done.

Similar to fizzpops we had no decent stuff when we got married so all the things we were given have been really useful, especially pans, knives and crockery. We had stuff on the list from £2 to £200 and then some people just bought us vouchers which I used to buy some bits that I really wanted that didnt get bought.

I also think they are really convenient, so used to love them when I was in my twenties.

Now I have been married twice, I look back my 'lists' and cringe.

List #1 - was entirely parts for a wedgewood dinner service (why I thought it was a good idea to have an 8 piece dinner service in a two-bed starter home is a mystery - we had a house big enough to hold such large dining table about 4 months before deciding to divorce!). I just thought it was 'what you did' - I even think that I put then a list card in the invite .

List #2 - did the whole only want you not a gift/have everything blah blah, but if you insist and would like guidance then JL gift vouchers will never be wasted....YUCK! Still sounds grabby.

As a guest though, with a hatred of clutter, if there wasn't a sensible list I would simply give a bottle of champagne

fakeplastictree Sadly for us we live in the middle of nowhere and a loooooonnngg way from a John Lewis which distresses me no end as it is my most favourite shop ever

I think they should offer at least to send it to you if that's what you want. Artic I see your point, but I do like to actually give a present rather than just pay for it, plus I feel my wrapping skills have improved to a level where my home wrapped gift wouldn't be a total embarassment on the gift table!

would it not seem more greedy a few weeks before the wedding to send out a second letter with the gift list in? i think that would be far worse than adding a list card in with invite.

I am uncomfortable with the idea of wedding
lists, I think it puts a great deal of pressure on guests which is why DH and I
opted against having one. Also, it was far nicer to think that our guests had actualy gone to the trouble of thinking and choosing the gifts

I had a wedding list first time and it wasn't expectation, TBH I don't know anyone who has put one in expecting a gift!

People want to buy you something and it's not like your birthday where you get a handful of people buying you a book or smellies, they want to get something you want that will remind you of your wedding day. A list means you don't have 20 toasters because people can see what you need or they can go offlist knowing that they're not going to get you something that someone else will (if there's a toaster on the list you don't get an offlist toaster).

If you don't want to get a present, don't. If you want to put your own thought into a present, do it!

My second wedding won't have a gift list(we're asking no gifts), will have unlimited beer wine and soft drink, we're subsidising a hotel and (because of what we're doing, which doesn't need to be a debate on this thread) guests don't even need to buy a new outfit!

I don't have a problem with lists, as long as there's lots of cheaper stuff on them and guests aren't made to feel obliged to buy off the list.

I absolutely hate invitations that specify cash gifts only and think this is incredibly rude. What if some of the guests are struggling financially and would rather buy something inexpensive but thoughtful? Requesting cash forces people to give more than they can afford as people would be embarassed to send a cheque for £20 but could buy something unusual for this amount, or give an unused gift they already have.

I literally cannot believe people ask for money. In a million years I could never, ever, ever ask people for money.

It's the rudest possible thing! I would die of shame writing that on a card. I am horrified that people actually ask for cash or put their bank account details on the card

Am not keen on the money asking, but we had a list and like another poster nothing matched, all were second hand bits and pieces and all broken but well loved. When we got married we had just bought a home together and we had NO money at all, and all gifts were very much welcome. I admit we did have some daft and grabby things on the list which I regret and which weren't bought. But the things we did get that were more than generous and are used everyday - saucepans, frying pans, mugs, plates, cutlery and I can tell you that I know exactly who gave us everything. It might be grabby but there are still some people out there who do need to utilise a wedding list. - although when you get random things that you wonder what the f the person is thinking I admit it seems very very grabby. On those occasions I have a standby present - in the past have bought a chopping board and had it engraved - ha can't give it away (although I admit it could go in the bin..........)

Unless you are setting up home from scratch, which is very rare these days, the list is usually an opportunity for bride and groom to upgrade from Ikea pans to Le Creuset. And then toss all their old stuff out. Such commercialised wastage!

FWIW we eloped and therefore had no gift list whatsoever. We lived together (in a small flat) but had everything we needed. Perhaps I am too independent/have too great a desire to stand on my own two feet...but that's a whole other thread!

Was at a recent wedding of a close friend of mine... SO hubby and I went to respective hen do and stag weekend (expense...), they married in a castle venue that meant ALL guests had to pay for travel plus a hotel for the night too, wedding outfits, etc. etc. then had what I thought was a pretty expensive gift list on top of it all (replica Orient Express, anyone?)! And her father paid the £24k for the wedding so it was all absolute bonus them personally!

YANBU I personally think wedding gift lists are (in the main) utterly ridiculous!

(But I suspect my views are minority and extreme)

PS An ex-colleague had an X-box on his their wedding list. They are now (of course) divorced.

we didn't want to ask for anything (having a very non-traditional youth hostel wedding, spending all our budget on good food for our guests and a ceilidh band - dress from john lewis, no fancy stationary, formal photos or flowers etc)

BUT our families and friends are insisting on buying us stuff - even my workmates are insisting! and they want to know what we want.. we are both in our (very) late 30s, lived together some time and don't need any household stuff.... so we're asking for ethical travel vouchers... but believe me - it's the guests that insist on the couple having a gift list. i wouldn't care if we got a big fat 0 in the voucher account so long as everybody comes to the wedding and has a good time.

In a situation like that, you could always ask that guests donate to a named charity.

Ahhhhhhh I HATE wedding lists!! It is the most revolting, greedy, self absorbed thing anyone can do. First the 'engagement party' (buy present), then the wedding (buy another present), then the baby shower (another present), then the birth (more presents).

What is wrong with these people? Aren't they earning enough money on probably two incomes to afford a f*n toaster or, god forbid use the bloody one they already have!! I would never, EVER ask my dear friends or family to buy me anything if my partner and I ever did decide to get married as we have been together for years, as a lot people have these days and have everything we need.

Getting married is NOT an excuse to get loved ones to cough up so you can deck out your house out in expensive crap that you are too tight to buy yourselves. I just think there is something deeply repugnant about it....or errrr did I make that quite clear.....

I actually like gift lists (and would actively rather the details were included in the invitation rather than having to seek them out). As I'll definitely be buying a present anyway, I'd far rather go a website and buy something they'd like with a few clicks of a mouse than traipse round the shops/internet trying to find something I think they'd like. I also like the fact that with lists, you know it'll all be delivered to them after the wedding (and postage is usually free) rather than having to worry about ordering something for them online then not being sure where to send it (i.e. should you send it to them at work so they don't end up having to trek to the Post Office sorting office to rescue it when it's delivered to them at home while they're out?).

I also think buying house gifts for anyone other than extremely good friends is a nightmare - I always worry that if I give them something like a vase they'll feel obliged to display it even if they hate it (even if they only get it out when I'm coming round!), and if I buy them something practical it'll be either a duplicate or just not something they use. I would much rather just buy something I know they want.

The only time I have been annoyed by a giftlist was when the cheapeast thing on there was a £50 teacup (not including the saucer...). Oh, and another (although this was the fault of the website I think not the bride and groom) where it was free delivery for an actual gift but a fiver postage for vouchers, which we wanted to give them as we knew they wanted to buy a dining table. While only a fiver, I recall being most annoyed!

If you don't want gifts don't invite people to your wedding because that's what people do when they go to a wedding and they like to know they're getting you something you can use and aren't going to have 10 of.

My wedding is going to be "no gifts" because we'd rather people take part, I've never had a baby shower (having lived in Canada and felt rather weird being invited to one, I feel they're too American) and the only thing people were invited to for my children was their Dedication (didn't have a gift list though). I certainly didn't have children for gifts (do people do that?)

My first wedding I did have a list, we had everything from 50p to £60, everything we owned was second hand, enough to get us by. We were grateful for anything we had and didn't expect anything.

Wedding lists are only grabby if there's an obvious expectation of receiving something - (and only putting expensive items on the list does give something of an idea of high expectations!) But it is generally about making life easier for the guests. I love people having a list and always make sure I get to it early so I still have lots of choice to get something that still seems quite personal or that I particularly like.

I enjoy getting people gifts for their weddings. I want to help them celebrate and have a lovely reminder of the day. I too can still remember who gave me pretty much every wedding present I got first time around and although it is a little poignant now after getting divorced, I still really appreciate all the good wishes that the gifts represent. I would hate to think that any of the gifts were given with resentment or under social pressure, but hopefully my friends and family feel the same way as I do.

Second time around, we specifically asked for no gifts and are having all sorts of trouble persuading people that we actually mean this!

we put a wii on our list which my sil got for us!! most of our list was under £10 and the most expensive a dyson hoover, which did get bought for us. the great thing was that we could adjust the list so when we realised how many pic frames had been bought, we took the resy off... we had put a lot of them on there!!