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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Oh I know I am but I have an irrational dislike of online wedding lists

77 replies

OrmRenewed · 29/03/2010 18:55

Got one for a wedding in May. Am very fond of bride and groom and wish them the very best and I would have bought them a gift willingly. But receiving a wedding list card with the invitation made me slightly bristly. But tonight I grumbled a bit but got the card out to a ctuallychoose something. And got the message 'Sorry we are not open yet. Please try later'

Look it's your bloody list not mine. Why aren't you open? Am I going to have to dither about for weeks before I get the right to buy you a present?

I know it's convenient and sensible and I do like John Lewis but FFS I am doing you a favour not the other way round.

Am seriously considering buying them a toaster just to make my feelings clear.

But I won't.

Probably.

OP posts:

BabsH · 29/03/2010 21:18

Its quite a difficult one I think, am getting married in July and we didnt want a gift list, we have enough cash at the moment, before baby (hopefully) comes along anyway, to get what we need as and when so it would be mercinary to ask for more, but as we have just bought a new house we have suggested to people who have asked that something for the garden would be nice, then we will have a lasting reminder of their gifts.

I do think personal gifts are best, then you can remember that that person spend time and effort on finding something just right for you and that occasion, but it really depends on the couple and their situation.

Original poster

OrmRenewed · 29/03/2010 22:02

I had another look at the stuff that came with the invitation. It clearly states that they really want our company not a gift but if we do want to give here's the list. So I feel very guilty now. Should have read it first

I might buy them a tree from the Woodland Trust. Then they can go and visit the woodland and give it a hug every now and again

OP posts:

Jamieandhismagictorch · 29/03/2010 22:10

Orm, I'm with you. Yes I know they are sensible. I know you don't have to spend too much. But they seem mercenary to me.

Spacehopper5 · 29/03/2010 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

StrictlyKatty · 29/03/2010 22:26

babsH it's really not hard, just don't be greedy! Noone likes the lists where everything is so expensive you know they could never afford it themselves so are hoping some poor sucker will get it for them. Put some small things on not just £5o soup bowls when you know nooone will be able to get just 1 or 2...

I absolutely hate greedy weddings, it should not be about what you get back but the start of your lives together. Make a list fine, but not the fantasy list of your dreams FFS, just stuff you need or smaller things you just like!

skidoodly · 29/03/2010 22:31

yanbu

sending out list with invitation is rude, saying you still want people to come if they don't accede to your demands for gifts.

TrillianAstra · 29/03/2010 22:36

Oh but don't you just love looking at the lists and seeing what people think should be in their ideal home? Going 'ooh, that's nice' or 'mine is better' or 'what on earth do they want one of those for?' or 'is that a kitchen utensil or a sex aid?'

StrictlyKatty · 29/03/2010 22:44

well that is funny! My friend got married at 19 and her list had candyfloss maker, popcorn maker, pancake maker etc... we were all thinking 'if you still want that stuff you're too young to get married! However 7 years later they are happy as larry so that told us!

tiredfeet · 29/03/2010 23:26

I do think sending the list details out with the invitation is rude, it just feels a bit grasping and rude. We set up a list for anyone that wanted to buy us a 'useful' present, but didn't give even mention gifts on the invitation. Anyone that wanted to use a list asked us if there was a list, and other people that wanted to be adventurous got us all kinds of presents that we would never have thought of ourselves. It also meant no one had to feel under pressure to bring a present, I know going to weddings is expensive enough already. We too had loads of £5 and under things on the list, so that people didn't feel any pressure to spend lots. Those people (close relatives etc) that did want to buy us expensive gifts actually went to a lot of effort to choose things themselves, which has made for wedding presents we will really treasure and remember.

That said, a lot of people did seem to like having the option of a list, as they still wanted to do the traditional thing and buy us something we needed for the home.

and I totally agree that an online list is definitely more acceptable than a request for cash; I really dislike this, it just feels like a transaction really.

I hadn't realised, even though I think we used John Lewis, that you couldn't start buying things until 5 weeks before. Thats a quite annoying if it means you have to keep remembering to check rather than just being able to tick that job off the list.

Mooos · 30/03/2010 07:51

I think wedding lists are outrageous and tacky. Love the lady above who gave an Oxfam goat.
I NEVER give a gift off a list.

ImSoNotTelling · 30/03/2010 09:55

So I guess if there is a list people decline the invitation? I wouldn't go to a wedding of someone who had done something outrageous or very rude.

TBH I woudn't be friends at all with someone who did things that disgusted me that much. Easier to not attend the wedding and drop the friendship I reckon, if your views are such poles apart.

Original poster

OrmRenewed · 30/03/2010 09:57

trillian - I will look forward to the sanctioned voyeurism

OP posts:

gtamom · 30/03/2010 10:16

mamasparkle funny to read about the goat, because 3 days ago I considered an agricultural package, because of a shower invite with a list. I find lists very tacky. And people are including them for children s birthday parties now as well.

TennisFan · 30/03/2010 10:27

I never buy off a list - its gift grabbing and disgusting.
It is so old fashioned now and people have become so money grabbing, expecing engagement presents, weddding presents, baby shower presents etc.

sparechange · 30/03/2010 10:32

I can't understand anyone who won't buy a present from a list just to make a point.
What is the point? Do you really think you know what someone will like/wants better than they do?
And given that most people go straight on a honeymoon after the wedding, it is much better to be able to pick a date when things are delivered than have lots of things after the reception for a friend or relative to have to look after.

Unfortunately, nearly all of the non-list presents we got went in the bin or to the charity shop because we just had no need for them, which is a shame because it was a real waste of money

FakePlasticTrees · 30/03/2010 10:50

Sparechange, I agree - we ended up ebaying random gifts, although why anyone thought we'd like a large black leather tea tray thing is rather beyond me... (sorry if anyone here likes that sort of thing)

FakePlasticTrees · 30/03/2010 10:54

oh, and we did have people who didn't get us anything, that wasn't a problem at all, we wanted them there, not a gift.

The most hard work 'non-list gift' was a couple of cheques made out to Mr & Mrs FPT - we hadn't got round to sorting out a joint account in our married names so it was a while before we could pay them in. If you want to do this in the future, write a cheque to the groom - his name isn't going to change. (And we didn't ask for cash!)

minipie · 30/03/2010 10:58

YABU to dislike online wedding lists - they are SO much easier for guests. (I used to be quite anti wedding lists altogether, until I went to a few weddings and realised how hard it was trying to come up with a gift without a list).

However YANBU to dislike the ones that aren't open until X weeks before the wedding. Probably means by the time I have remembered that the wedding list is now open, there will be almost nothing left and I will end up buying the teaspoons again!

We used an online gift list that opened on the day the invitations went out (and didn't close again till after the wedding).

sparechange · 30/03/2010 10:59

fakeplastictrees our best random gifts were an ice bucket for wine (we have a fridge, thanks) and a royal doulton figurine of a white witch type thing. I have literally no idea what they were thinking. They weren't even old or nick-nack type people

ProfYaffle · 30/03/2010 11:02

I love online wedding lists, I live in a tiny town with no big shops so it saves me a 50 mile round trip to the nearest city. Fab.

Snufflebufty · 30/03/2010 11:13

We have just received a wedding invite from friends who have said they already have a house so don't need anything (ever again?) but we could 'give a small contribution to the honeymoon they are hoping to book'

I'm hoping to do a lot of things, but probably won't

FakePlasticTrees · 30/03/2010 11:15

minipie there's nothing wrong with getting the teaspoons, think about it, it's a gift the couple will need and use a hell of a lot more than fish knives and napkin rings...

littlebylittle · 30/03/2010 11:27

I always prefer a list detail card in with the invite. It's a bit of a pretence otherwise and an extra email, phone call etc for me. Of course I'm going to give a gift and have reached the point in my life where I realise that a gift is more about the person giving it than about me. This has come about from years of receiving things that I can't use or choose not to display. I still receive graciously and love the thought that's gone into it, I just know that I really love the gifts that I'd have chosen myself and would like to do the same for others. Absolutely no way to the cash transfers though. Sorry. Would still do it but with a heavy heart!

Shodan · 30/03/2010 11:27

I have no objection to gift lists as I have a very low boredom threshold when it comes to shopping and at least that way I can be sure they're getting what they'd really like.

I was brought up to believe that you didn't go to any sort of party without a gift so wouldn't not give one, even if they'd asked for cash.

But, a friend of my sister's, who I have known for many years (friend not sister, obviously), asked if they could use my address to get the church they wanted, spent £1000 on the wedding dress and then asked for vouchers for a honeymoon as they couldn't afford one otherwise. I was very at that.

Not that it really should have bothered me- I didn't get invited!! Despite them using my address to get the 'pretty' church.

ArcticFox · 30/03/2010 11:29

You kind of know that the random gifts you get have been recycled as well. All my random gifts were actually ok (if not specifically requested). My sister got these horrific sort of Lord of the Rings inspired pewter tankards with carved faces with red eyes. They were truly special.

Tbh, online registries are the best thing ever. You know how much you're going to spend, you just go on, choose gifts to value of X and pay. AND you know they actually want it.

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