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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think a father and baby group is not worse than a fate worse than death?

38 replies

arolf · 27/03/2010 10:59

There's a father and baby group once a month on a saturday morning in my town. DS is 6 months old, and I want a bit of a break, so, since DP was away last weekend, I suggested he go to this group today. Our friend is going with his DD, so DP won't be alone, plus they get free bacon sarnies if they get there on time - all in all, a good idea in my opinion! Plus DP has been complaining recently that he hasn't got any male friends (except the neighbour) in this town.

however, DP has been dragging his feet, whinging, and generally acting like a child when I asked him if he'd go. He said he'd take DS for a walk round town, but he's done that before and never takes longer than 40 minutes. This group is 2 hours or so, giving me a proper break. DP just left with the most mutinous look on his face, and hasn't spoken to me all morning.

Please confirm my belief that he's being a big kid over this, and trying it ONCE won't actually kill him? Or AIBVU to expect him to go?

OP posts:
ToccataAndFudge · 27/03/2010 11:01

well........many mums can't abide the thought of mums and toddler groups and wouldn't go to one if you paid them.........so I think YAB little U for expecting him to go, however YANBU to want him to take your DS "somewhere" so you can have a break

LetThereBeRock · 27/03/2010 11:03

I don't think it matters what he does so long as he's gone for the two or three hours you desire.

I'd say he can do what he likes while out with your ds but you don't want to see him return for at least 2 hours,and if he returns sooner then he's still on baby duty while you enjoy your break.

LetThereBeRock · 27/03/2010 11:04

What he likes,within reason of course.

ChildOfThe70s · 27/03/2010 11:06

No YANBU, but my DH is exactly the same! We live near a toy library that has a monthly dads session which is very popular, and lots of dads also come to the regular sessions too, but DH could never be persuaded.

Does is really matter if your DP goes there though? Could you just agree with him that he gives you the 2 hours break and let him take your DS to the park, coffee shop, whatever? As long as the two of them are having fun together thats the most important thing isn't it?

violethill · 27/03/2010 11:27

Mother and baby groups are pretty dire, so there's no reason to think this would be any different.

I would prefer a walk around town rather than sitting in a hall with other people where the only common factor is having children of similar ages.

The friendship issue is a different one - he needs to geet out and make some friends, but is more likely to do this separately, through a hobby, or other activity rather than father and baby group.

thumbwitch · 27/03/2010 11:32

I think YANBU, especially if a friend who he already knows is going anyway!

What a good idea to have these - I know some of these groups can be a bit dire but isn't that generally due to cliquiness? I didn't think men went in for that as much as women do.

I know when I was doing babyswimming with DS, the saturday classes were primarily Dads doing the swimming, while the weekday classes were primarily Mums - I thought it was good that the dads involved themselves
(I know there is no reason why they shouldn't blah blah but it's good to see more equal involvement)

harleyd · 27/03/2010 11:32

i cant think of anything worse in the world than a baby group

ImSoNotTelling · 27/03/2010 11:33

Well I wouldn't go to a mother and baby/toddler group. Well at least i did it twice, never again.

So I guess YANBU to suggest he gives it a go once, especially if he has been saying he wants to make some friends.

He is being a bit U by going but making a fuss and sulking, he should either go with good grace, or do something else which takes a similar amount of time.

MamaGoblin · 27/03/2010 11:37

He is clearly BU - he should give it a try, at least, just once. Could you explain, explicitly, that it's in the interests of giving you a proper break from your DS rather than half an hour, which isn't time enough to do anything or relax properly?

A bit at all the anti-baby group stuff here. The one I run for the NCT is attended by a wide range of people, and several women who come with their DCs view it as a real lifeline - company and support with bf, childcare info, etc - and a reason to get out of the house of a morning.

Original poster
arolf · 27/03/2010 11:53

hmm, interesting to see such divided opinion on AIBU

I am not keen on mother and toddler groups (as DS isn't a toddler yet!), but view my LLL and bfeeding groups as lifelines - not so much now, but in the early days for sure! and they are not cliquey at all.

However, I would not have known that without trying them at least once! and I've tried other things (baby massage - what a load of crap!), and not done them again. But through various groups I've made a load of friends. DP won't join any groups anywhere, despite having 2 hobbies/interests with local groups available to him. We used to live in London and he only went to play football if I nagged him until blue in the face - then he'd get home and say how much fun it was this is why I want him to at least TRY something - it's not as if I've asked him to give decapitation and genital mutilation a go, is it?!

DP has just called to say he's on his way home, so will find out when he gets here if it was as grim as he expected!!

OP posts:
harleyd · 27/03/2010 11:56

i bet he's just been walking round the park

greyhoundgal · 27/03/2010 12:06

Yes you are being very unreasonable, why should he go to something he clearly doesnt want to go to, if it was him forcing you to go to somewhere that you clearly didnt want to go to then you would be screaming that he was being unreasonable, where is the difference?

mazzystartled · 27/03/2010 12:14

YABU to make him go to a group he doesn't fancy
YANBU to want him to get the hell out of the house with the baby for a decent chunk of time

minxofmancunia · 27/03/2010 12:16

yanbu for wanting a break but yabu for making him go to a group.

however he should volunteer and provide time out for you on a regular basis and be creative about it, thinking of things for him and your ds to do, park/farm/adventure playground/soft play/nature walk etc etc.

I'm absolutely burnt out frim always being the one who thinks up things for us to do as a family that dd will enjoy too, every weekend it's the same, dh just sat there waiting for me to arrange everything. I'm so sick of it I'm just not doing it anymore, men need to take the initiative from time to time and just sort stuff out, independently.

salbysea · 27/03/2010 12:21

YABVU

I hate baby groups that don't have some other focus (like swimming, sign, rhyme etc). If my DH told me to go to one of the standing around making small talk over rubbish coffee ones I would tell him to naff off.

let him go wherever he wants for the couple of hours he's out with your DC, its his time with his DC!

butadream · 27/03/2010 12:26

YANBU in wanting a decent break, YABU in dictating the terms though.

What about a trip to the supermarket for a big shop?

6m is still quite young but here some other ideas for when your baby gets older:

  • cinema, the family film is at 11 here
  • cafe
  • playground obviously
  • local museum
Original poster
arolf · 27/03/2010 12:30

he is back, enjoyed it, will go again...
I've apologised for nagging him into going; DS is busy trying to eat the newspaper - all's good here

OP posts:
thedollshouse · 27/03/2010 12:34

There is no way that dh would go to one of these, not in a million years. I can't complain though as dh does more than his fair share of child care.

I think it is really up to your dh how he chooses to spend the time with your ds.

thumbwitch · 27/03/2010 12:38

just shows YWNBU then, doesn't it arolf!

BigGitDad · 27/03/2010 12:38

Good grief, a wife that wants her dh to play sport on a saturday afternoon? Where did I go wrong in my life!
There are two issues here, one, you needing time alone. Two, him making friends. One is easy, send him off to aa activity like swimming or visiting a kiddies animal farm etc. Not so sure about the friends bit, he really has to get up off his arse and make the effort.
Harley! You are alive? Must be the detox dragging you back here!

lucysnowe · 27/03/2010 13:41

I love my baby group - they have toys and messy play and choc biccies, what more can you ask for? I think you are being a bit unreasonable though. Six month olds aren't really old enough to appreciate it and if your DP doesn't want to go, he doesn't want to. If he comes back after 40 mins, send him on his way again.

lucysnowe · 27/03/2010 13:42

Oh I'm glad he enjoyed it.

pigletmania · 27/03/2010 13:57

You hit the nail on the head Toccata, while I love my mums and toddlers group, having been on MN not everyone feels the same way and would rather scratch their eyes out then go to one. Mabey he should take your your dd out somewhere nice for a couple of hours a week to give you a bit of a break. In the summer it will be easier as the weather hopefully will be better so they can do more stuff.

Meglet · 27/03/2010 14:03

I expect he's not told you about the bit where they serve beer with the bacon sarnies .

glad he liked it .

onthepier · 28/03/2010 16:17

My dh is the same, he's always loved spending time with the kids but when they were younger there was no way he'd have gone to anything "organised" like that! I always enjoyed mother and toddler groups, so like you, couldn't understand why he was so against them!

I dragged him along to a children's xmas party once in our local hall and he lasted barely half hour. He said the noise, "enforced jollity" and everyone comparing notes on each other's children just wasn't his thing. I was disappointed with him on that day but tbh he's in his element spending time with them on his own, whether it be days out, sports or just at home playing on the wii with them!

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