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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say all or none?

59 replies

ShadeofViolet · 26/03/2010 19:03

MIL and I have a long history and we dont really get on that well, different parenting styles, different views etc etc.

She came over for a visit tonight and asked if she could take DS1 and DD out on Good Friday. I asked about taking DS2 and she then told me that he is too hard work and she doesnt know how to handle him. He has ASD and can be a handleful, I understand this, but I dont feel its fair to leave him out, so I said if she couldnt take them all then they couldnt go. I was polite but firm.

I have just had a call from DH (who is away with work) to say his Mum has called him saying how horrid I am, and that I am denying DS1 and DD a nice day out.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

ShadeofViolet · 26/03/2010 19:04

Also, she might be able to handle DS2 better if she listened to my advice about how to calm him down if he gets upset, and places to avoid.

OP posts:

MrsWobbleTheWaitress · 26/03/2010 19:06

YANBU - she should make more effort to learn how to handle your DS2 if she wants to have the children on her own. Different matter entirely if the trip is something she wants to do with each child separately, for example, but not something she's doing once and excluding one child.

And she IBVU to go whinging to your DH - very bad form.

radstar · 26/03/2010 19:07

yanbu - why should ds miss out just because she can't handle him. I am {angry] and on behalf of your ds and she is an utter fool if she can't see why you would say this. Didn't your dh say the same when she said to him she wanted to exclude him?

canucktraveler · 26/03/2010 19:08

Nope your not being unreasonable! [grin}

choufleur · 26/03/2010 19:08

YANBU. All or none, unless maybe there is a bigish age difference which would make the trip unsuitable for a younger child for example. but that doesn't sound like why she's doing it.

DebiNewberry · 26/03/2010 19:08

Can you go with her so that they can all go?

Or can you compromise and one child can go with her?

thisisyesterday · 26/03/2010 19:09

hmm tough one. i have 3 kids and my mum never has them all by herself because she can't manage them, so she either has them one at a time, or she'll have 2 of them if my dad is around as well.

so, i think yabu a bit, because if she genuinely has trouble handling him/all 3 of them together then it means they'd all have a pretty crap day. and you are, in essence, denying ds1 and dd a nice day out.

but it also depends on how old they are? I think i'd be inclined to let her take dd and ds1, but on condition that she needs to take ds2 out somewhere by himself another time perhaps?

saslou · 26/03/2010 19:09

YANBU. Think it is v unfair to leave one child out and then complain to your DP about you. Hope your DP was supportive of you.

vidia · 26/03/2010 19:09

I am not sure, but I think YABU.

I have 2 children, one with ASD who might be a bit like your DS2.

If someone took out DD for the day, I'd take DS (with ASD) somewhere myself.

I would thought that 3 NT kids would have been quite hard work for someone who is (presumably) oldish?

Having said that, your MIL is not being nice going moaning to your DH. I think that is really poor and would be furious if I disagreed with my MIL and she went whining to DH behind my back. Fortunately, my MIL would not do that, she would discuss it with me.

As a side issue, one of my DS's grandparents doesn't like him. The grandparent is unaware of DS's ASD because the grandparent doesn't believe in ASD [hmmm]. Anyway, does your MIL love DS2 as much as DD and DS1? If she does, then I would allow DD and DS1 to go out with her.

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 26/03/2010 19:12

yes and no. Not unreasonable to feel angry on your ds2 behalf, but maybe a bit unreasonable to expect other people - even relatives - to be able to handle your child with autism. Not everyone can. Depends on the needs of the individual child of course, but if they have challenging behaviour and you have an older (assuming your mil is probably 60s?) person who has to deal with them and two nt children as well, then maybe you are expecting a bit much.

Perhaps a solution would be to have a second person on the trip, to help.

and before you flame me, take a look at my profile.

Original poster

ShadeofViolet · 26/03/2010 19:12

I wouldnt mind so much if it was a trip to the park etc, but she wanted to take them to Thomas Land at Drayton Manor, which DS2 would love. DS1 doesnt really want to go and as DD is only 17 months I dont think she would really benefit.

Sorry, I should have put that in my OP

DH did his usual head in the sand - its nothing to do with me blah blah blah.

OP posts:

Original poster

ShadeofViolet · 26/03/2010 19:13

MIL is 51 BTW

OP posts:

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 26/03/2010 19:15

Is he a runner? My parents are scared to have ds2 because he's a bolter ds1 not so much any more, but when he was, they were scared to take him anywhere too, because they knew if he ran, they wouldn't be able to catch him! Would your mil?

thisisyesterday · 26/03/2010 19:16

can you offer to go with her and take all 3??

Tinnitus · 26/03/2010 19:16

YANBU. The idea is not that she take them out for HER amusement.

Portofino · 26/03/2010 19:18

I'd say yes and no too. You should be happy that she wants to spend time with them, but I would struggle with my dsis's 3 boys, one of whom has SN, by myself and I am relatively young and fit. They are older too. Could you suggest that she maybe has them one at a time, so that no-one gets left out?

Original poster

ShadeofViolet · 26/03/2010 19:20

I cant go with her as I dont drive and as she only has a small fiesta she would struggle to get 2 adults and two car seats and a booster in the back.

What I might do, when I have calmed down a bit (angry about the whining to DH) and made a point is suggest she take DS to the cinema He wants to go and see 'How to tame your dragon'. DD and DS2 wont know they are missing out and then she will be spending time with DS1 - do you think that is fair?

OP posts:

TottWriter · 26/03/2010 19:20

YANBU - I hope you told your DP how it was more the fact that she was denying one of his children a day out because I wouldn't be surprised if she only gave him half the facts.

And, reading between the lines here a little, but how seriously does she take your DS's ASD? Only I'm kinda getting the impression she doesn't make much of an effort with him. If she's that happy to exclude him and not simply ask to take all of you out as a treat (so you could help look after your DS2), it seems that this isn't the first time she's just dismissed him like that.

My younger brother has various SEN which meant he couldn't do some of the things my sister and I did, but that just meant we didn't do them either (at least not while he was around), and my mum made sure we did things which interested him and which my sister and I could appreciate to an extent too.

On the occasions when my sister or I did things he didn't - and I can't think of any occasions that was both of us off the top of my head - he got a treat from my grandparents/mum to make up for it. In fact, he often did better than the two of us, because he was home schooled and used to get taken out while we were at school.

It's totally wrong for him to be the one excluded; nice way to give him a complex on top of everything else...

Moominfamily · 26/03/2010 19:22

Perhaps you should suggest that MIL take ds2 to Thomas Land on his own, as he would enjoy it so much more than the other two, and it would be easier to cope with just him?
You could then take ds1 and dd on an outing they would both enjoy, or she could take them somewhere another time.
It's perfectly reasonable to suggest this to both her and DH, and then if she still refuses you have made a reasonable effort to accommodate her stated problem, which is dealing with all 3 kids given that ds2 has ASD.
She either has to accept your solution, or not take any of the kids out. And she cannot moan than you are denying them a day out, as by refusing your compromise SHE is denying them a day out.
(Can you tell grandparent favouritism is one of my bugbears )

Original poster

ShadeofViolet · 26/03/2010 19:26

MIL wont take DS2 out, either on his own or with the other - she wont take him out at all

TottWriter - she makes no effort, she once said that e 'isnt how a grandson should be' and that sets the tone for the relationship.

OP posts:

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 26/03/2010 19:31

He isn't how a grandson should be?

I've just changed my mind.

I was thinking that perhaps she felt she couldn't manage - age, fitness, stamina etc, but that comment is disgusting.

She doesn't deserve to see any of them. Not how a grandson should be indeed. Well, I'm sure you apologised profusely for inflicting such a disappointment on her.

And why isn't your husband furious about such an attitude to his child?

jasper · 26/03/2010 19:36

I have 3 children, and they are all very different.
I decided early on there was no way all treats and stuff could be completely equal. So I treat them differently. Equal, but different.

SOmetimes one of 3, or 2 of 3 get whatever treat is in store that day. On another day it is the other kid that gets something special.

I think it is ok to treat kids differently.

I have had aunties and friends ask to take only one child, or sometimes two for something or other.

I think it's good

plimsolls · 26/03/2010 19:41

I don't think YABU. so YANBU, I mean. Sorry, am new. And crap with acronyms (CWA?)

Although, was just thinking, my friend has a DS and a DD. Her DS has ASD. I often take friend's DD out on her own for two reasons - first, to give DD a treat as she finds it hard with her brother sometimes, and she enjoys attention from other adults who aren't family members (i.e. she still gets to go for special treats with her mum but she also really enjoys being taken out by other adults) and also to give my friend some time alone with DS, as she sometimes finds it hard to have really good quality time with him when DD is around, as DD can be really demanding.

So even though I would be happy to take friend's DS out with her DD, sometimes taking friend's DD out alone works too.

(this is not to excuse your mean MIL who sounds rather nasty and old-fashioned)

vidia · 26/03/2010 19:47

It is well known that autistic children have a particular connection to Thomas. Certainly my DS does. It would be utterly outrageous to take the 2 siblings of an autistic boy to Thomasland and leave him at home. Not sure of the ages of your kids, but presuming one of them would be able to tell your DS2 where they had been.

He "isnt how a grandson should be" makes me sick. Perhaps actually it would be more accurate to say that she "isn't how a grandmother should be". But you need to keep the peace somehow.

lovechoc · 26/03/2010 19:49

I would never expect my MIL (or even my own mother) to look after 2 DC! I only have one just now but when DS2 arrives, MIL will only get one child at at time. It's unfair to expect them to manage just because you can.

YABU

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