To say all or none?

[ShadeofViolet]

MIL and I have a long history and we dont really get on that well, different parenting styles, different views etc etc.

She came over for a visit tonight and asked if she could take DS1 and DD out on Good Friday. I asked about taking DS2 and she then told me that he is too hard work and she doesnt know how to handle him. He has ASD and can be a handleful, I understand this, but I dont feel its fair to leave him out, so I said if she couldnt take them all then they couldnt go. I was polite but firm.

I have just had a call from DH (who is away with work) to say his Mum has called him saying how horrid I am, and that I am denying DS1 and DD a nice day out.

AIBU?

Thanks everyone for your opinions.

I really am upset with my DH, but he has spoken to his Mum about the way she treats DS2. She says that she cant help it, that she struggles with is behaviour and cant understand him, or read him at all.

I do sympathise with this, but my arguement is that she wont try to learn about him, what he likes etc. I have put my foot down and said no to the Drayton Manor trip, maybe im wrong, but it feels right, especially as DS1 doesnt want to go.

She has told DH that she isnt willing to take DS2 out, so I have said fine, dont bother. I know that I should be able to turn this round to something positive but I just cant at the moment, I am too upset and angry.

Jasper, I think you're wrong.
ShadesOfViolet, I think you are right to say 'all or nothing' as you can be reasonably sure she's not going to make up for it in any other way.

ShadesofViolet - take some time, you are well within your right to be angry and upset - this is his granny who is meant to love him unconditionally, regardless. am sorry its come to this and hope your DH steps up to the mark at some point to tackle his mother's horrendous attitude and ignorance

I have just seen her remarks about 'not how a grandson should be' and I am appalled by her attitude.I am a 66 yr old grandma of 9 and would struggle with more than 2 of them but never leave one of family of 3 out.I have a dgs with ASD but he lives in Canada and we never see him.I wish we did-I'd love to take him to Thomasland.YANBU

She ought to be ashamed of herself. My grandma had twelve grandchildren altogether and she never left one out even though a few of my cousins were intolerable little arses when they were little. How hurtful to you and your DS. Thoughtlessness at it's best.

Even worse whining to your DH. I hope he told her to behave herself.

Troublewithtalk I only just noticed your post and it's brought tears to my eyes. It's a cliche but no child is perfect and every one is precious.

I started with OP starting to think possibly YABU - but the more you have explained the more I think YANBU at all, in the circs it's spectacularly mean of your MIL to exclude your DS from an activity he's likely to love. Far better for her to say - you or DH need to come to, as I'm anxious about coping than for her to do as she's done.