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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say all or none?

59 replies

ShadeofViolet · 26/03/2010 19:03

MIL and I have a long history and we dont really get on that well, different parenting styles, different views etc etc.

She came over for a visit tonight and asked if she could take DS1 and DD out on Good Friday. I asked about taking DS2 and she then told me that he is too hard work and she doesnt know how to handle him. He has ASD and can be a handleful, I understand this, but I dont feel its fair to leave him out, so I said if she couldnt take them all then they couldnt go. I was polite but firm.

I have just had a call from DH (who is away with work) to say his Mum has called him saying how horrid I am, and that I am denying DS1 and DD a nice day out.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TottWriter · 26/03/2010 19:50

She said what? Okay, I know ASD can be hard to cope with at times, but in your OP you mentioned that if she did things which interested him he wouldn't be so hard to manage, so am I right in guessing he's quite capable of doing things if the support is there? I'm sorry, but that is just an appalling thing to say. I mean, good grief, even if she harbours that guilty feeling in private (which is bad enough), did she not think about how her own son would feel about knowing she thought that? I hope your DS2 was nowhere near when she spouted that bit of bile.

Some people can be just...words fail me.

pjmama · 26/03/2010 19:51

"denying DS1 and DD a nice day out"

Isn't that exactly what she is doing to DS2 by excluding him?

coppertop · 26/03/2010 19:51

I was all ready to say YABU until I read the comment about ds2 not being 'how a grandson should be'.

This isn't just a case of not taking him on this trip. It sounds as though her intention is to permanently exclude him.

YANBU.

Original poster
ShadeofViolet · 26/03/2010 19:54

vidia - you are right, DS2 is Thomas and Chuggington mad. However he wouldnt know they have gone as his receptive language is poor for his age (3) so he wouldnt be able to understand.

I suppose things run deeper than just the ASD. DD is the golden child (MIL always wanted a girl but had two boys) - we thought DS2 was going to be a girl and when he arrived as a boy she was really upset. I dont think she has really taken to him and he certainly doesnt like her very much (he is a very loving child with people he likes, but very cold with those he doesnt) so I think she just leaves him.

OP posts:
lovechoc · 26/03/2010 19:56

There are a few ways round this situation though. If OP goes out with MIL and the kids a few times then at least she'll see how MIL is with her DS2 OR spend more time with MIL in your own home with all the children first and then ask her to take one child out at a time so that the quality time is divided equally between each child (on seperate days).

Here's a suggestion. Try a few trips out together and see how you all get on (regardless of her comments she's made in the past - not all GPs 'get' ASD or SEN children because they simply don't understand it).

jasper · 26/03/2010 20:01

I am sorry but you cannot expect ANYONE to love your kids/be into them equally the way you are

twolittlemonkeys · 26/03/2010 20:05

It makes me so sad to read about your MIL's attitude to your DS2. The 'he isn't as a grandson should be' comment sickens me tbh. My ASD son loves Thomas and had a fantastic time when we took him to Thomas Land. My mum makes special effort to do things with him that he likes and find activities and presents that will capture his interest and my FIL tries his best too. My dad and stepmum are a bit indifferent to my kids at times but at least they treat them equally.

Your DH needs to back you up on this and he should be the one to explain why she's being unreasonable, if you and MIL don't see eye to eye. I can't believe she's making you out to be the bad guy!

itsallforthem · 26/03/2010 20:18

YANBU, and so at your MIL's comments about DS2! As someone mentioned above, it is well known that ASD children have a connection with Thomas, and it is particularly mean of her not to include DS2 in that special event. Good for you for sticking to your guns, but DH should back you up too!

Original poster
ShadeofViolet · 26/03/2010 20:18

jasper im sorry, I dont expect MIL to love the children as much as I do but I do expect her to show the same affection to them all.

OP posts:
DebiNewberry · 26/03/2010 20:28

I think it's ok for children to have different 'special' people in a family.

So, your ds2 and your MIL just don't click at all, in either direction. Is there anyone else in the family he has a special connection with?

jasper · 26/03/2010 21:37

but they are all different! You can't expect anyone to show the same affection to all. Harsh but a good life lesson learned early.

Other people may be drawn to DS2 and want to take him out on his own. That is good.

You should encourage diversity of opinion so long as it is not rubbed in the kids faces

TottWriter · 26/03/2010 21:42

jasper, I think that if the OP's MIL refuses to ever take DS2 out that's more than a 'diversity of opinion' which should be encouraged. It's discrimination and exclusion. Okay, so she finds it hard to 'manage' him - that doesn't mean she can absolve herself of being his grandmother.

And 3 is a little young to be learning life lessons as harsh as that.

RJRabbit · 26/03/2010 22:38

Don't, as your thread title suggests, say "all or none", say "fuck off you nasty, nasty bitch".

I'm not normally get so worked up on here (I don't think), but that comment she made about her own grandson is absolutely disgusting.

I don't think you should let her be around any of your children - what's she saying to them about their brother? Is your son supposed to grow up being excluded by her forever? What a piece of work.

Jasper - shame, I really liked that name too - you're full of shit. This is the child's GRANDMOTHER. Her job is to make an effort if she doesn't "feel the same affection". Taking the child's siblings to something that he would adore is rubbing his face in it.

dizzydixies · 26/03/2010 22:52

whilst I don't approve of the MIL's attitude/comments at all - am I the only one angry at the Op's DH here??

this is his son whome he should be protecting above all else - his own mother included?!

jasper · 27/03/2010 00:19

No shit here
Just realistic

Did you read my posts? I have three children
Lots of Aunts /Uncles for them.
They don't go out of their way to disguise their favorites. It's swings and roundabouts. I have 6 neices. One of them ( she has special ed needs) is my out and out favourite.She looks like me. I was there at her birth. She is very 'difficult' Most people prefer her sisters. Go on, stone me.

That's my family's real life.If it's not yours, meh. Cut out the shit comments. That's plain rude.

damnedchilblains · 27/03/2010 08:46

dizzydixies you are definitely not the only one. I would be an absoulte deal breaker for me if dh didn't say something to his mother with regards to something like that. He should have swiftly taken up the matter, op shouldn't be the one to have to do it, she's already at a disadvantage being the dil.

Op YANBU, I have a all or none policy with mine unless it is age specific and rare then I would allow it as I do agree that sometimes it is good for dc's to have some one on time with other adults. However it doesn't seem like this from your op and posts. Your mil seems to have a distinct aversion to ds1 which I'm sure he will (if not already) pick up on. There unfortunately seems to be some animosity between you two otherwise I would have suggested you talk it out and try to come to some arrangement where she takes ds1 on his own and does something that he likes.

Really feel for you and ds2

Goblinchild · 27/03/2010 08:57

jasper, I have two children who are chalk and cheese. I agree with you.
My son has AS, when younger he was a runner, hitter, no sense of danger...the lot. If someone offered to take my DD out but couldn't cope with DS, that was fine by me. We did something he'd love instead. Likewise, when he got older and wanted to do stuff she didn't, he'd go out with someone and she and I would do things she loved.
They have completely different interests, now they are older I have two holidays a year because they want different things. It works out very well for all concerned, and DD is 19 now. There are a few things they both enjoy that we do together.

The MIL not liking her grandson is a whole different issue.

Condensedmilkaddict · 27/03/2010 08:58

Me too dizzydixies.

OP you should volunteer your DH to go with his mother and take all 3 kids.
You can put your feet up.

Condensedmilkaddict · 27/03/2010 08:59

Oh - and she is a cow for calling your DH to dob on you.

Goblinchild · 27/03/2010 08:59

Oh, and I love both of mine way too much to make them spend time with someone who didn't like them. So no way would I say to MIL 'You have to take him somewhere' I'd have to build a relationship first.

Goblinchild · 27/03/2010 09:00

'OP you should volunteer your DH to go with his mother and take all 3 kids.'

I like that suggestion, unless your DH doesn't like his son much.

Triggles · 27/03/2010 09:21

While the comment she made wasn't necessarily nice, haven't we all made comments that, on reflection, didn't sound good at all? Or maybe were made when we were upset or just not thinking clearly? How long ago did she make that comment?

If you say your DS2 doesn't like her, maybe it's one of those things that she doesn't feel comfortable around him due to the ASD and how to deal with it, he perceives it as she doesn't like him and acts out more around her or blanks her, which reinforces to her that he doesn't like her or want to be with her, making her more uncomfortable around him.... do you see the vicious circle going there? Maybe she needs to slowly get more comfortable with him in a family setting, where she can see him interacting in a happier way, where there isn't the pressure.

KAEKAE · 27/03/2010 10:08

It's a hard one...I can see your point, I would not like it if one of my children were left out, it isn't fair and I don't like the way it make a child feel, not very nice. I would also be very cross if my MIL then discussed it again with DH.

However, I think it's really nice that she wants to take your children out for the day....my MIL wouldn't dream of doing something like that and my children ALWAYS get left out when it comes to her other grandchildren.

shockers · 27/03/2010 10:26

My mum will not take DS anywhere as she says he's "too much" for her. She will take DD for holidays to Centerparcs, weekends in the Lakes and days out though. DD is the one with SN and behavioural issues!

I used to say it had to be fair but now I let her take DD and use the time to do nice things with DS. We go to museums or to stay in Youth Hostels.

He still asks why Granny doesn't like him sometimes but I've told him that she is giving us a break from DD so we can do things we couldn't if she was with us.
My dad tries to make up for her too, by going to watch DS in football matches and swimming galas.

It's not a nice thing to deal with but there are ways of turning it to the advantage of the left out child.

dizzydixies · 27/03/2010 13:16

shockers, how sad for you but am glad you've found a positive from all this

I only had to deal with my mother's blatant favouritism towards my nephew, nothing like this