To wish my mum would take more pride in her appearance

[ellesapelle]

My mum is 56 and over the last few years her dress sense has gone downhill. The other day we went for dinner in a nice restaurant and she turned up wearing trainers, a tatty jumper which had shrunk in the wash and some incredibly unflattering tapered bright blue cord trousers. I was worried at first that we wouldn't be allowed into the restaurant. I'm not saying she should start dressing like Joan Collins, but I don't think that her outfit was appropriate for going out for dinner. We sat next to a table of couples around her age and the women were wearing nice tops and black trousers. It's not just a case of her wearing frumpy clothes - jeans and a fleece would be an improvement. She just throws things together and the effect is 'bag lady' - I know it's awful of me to say that. She carries a tatty handbag which is falling apart even though I got her a lovely black leather one for Christmas - she apparently didn't like the clasp on it. She wears trainers everywhere - gym ones not smarter Converse style ones. Fair enough if she wants to be comfortable, but I don't see why she can't get some nice smart shoes from Clarks or Ecco. She gets a curly perm which looks dreadful - Kevin Keegan in the 70s. Her clothes and hair add years to her which is such a shame because she has fantastic skin for someone her age. She's a size 20 but makes herself look even bigger by wearing such unflattering clothes. She also wears huge glasses which cover too much of her face.

I know this comes across as incredibly bitchy and shallow, but if I'm being completely honest, I do find it embarrassing being out with her sometimes. People give her funny looks and I've heard people sniggering when we were queuing in a shop. She has a very good job so she's not short of money to buy new clothes. My dad has commented on it as well, though neither of us would dare bringing it up with her. She's very quick to criticise others - she'll comment on my bad skin (I have PCOS), or tell me I should get my hair cut like so-and-so - but the second anyone criticises her, she goes mad at them and leaves the room. I'm not very high maintenance in terms of beauty - I've never had a manicure/pedicure or bought a designer label etc but I try and wear flattering clothes that are smart enough for wherever I'm going, so it's not that I'm judging her by impossibly high standards. I hate the thought of people looking at my mum and thinking she's lazy and scruffy or a bit strange instead of the amazing successful woman she is.

I'm planning a dinner to celebrate my birthday, DP's new job and my parents and PIL meeting for the first time but I'm not sure I want to book anywhere too nice in case she turns up in her trainers and jeans and we get turned away. I'm also a bit worried about the impression PIL will take away of her.

Maybe it shouldn't bother me and I'm being unreasonable.
(BTW, I've namechanged from a family NN)

my dad used to dress like a tramp when my mum was still alive, and yes, it is embarrassing. he used to wear denimd shorts (in South Africa) with a rope threaded through the loops where a belt should be. he would wear soft track suit bottoms with lace up shoes. jumpers with holes in. awful and unnecessary.

no advice. just sympathy.

Gosh that was a long post, sorry, and thanks to anyone who reads it.

It's a hard one....do you think she is perhaps suffering a little bit from depression or maybe low self-esteem because of her size?

You say this has only happened in the last few years - are you aware of what might have triggered it?

How would she react if you suggested a girly day out in a big department store with a personal shopper? Could you find photos of hair style which might suit her and show them to her?

Numberfour - at the thought of the rope belt.

Thank you for the sympathy. I feel so guilty at being embarrassed by my mum.

YANBU, it is embarrassing. I know exactly how you feel.

My mum was a 'looker' in her time and although I feel terribly disloyal saying it out loud, she still thinks she can get away with throwing on yesterday's top and some charity shop jeans and she will look like an adorably tousled rock chick.

Unfortunately in her mid 60's she will actually look like a bag lady.

The v worst thing my mum does is in summer, she lets her black bra straps dangle down instead of tightening them. This might look cute on a student but on my mum it looks awful. If I try to hoik the straps back up she looks annoyed as if to say 'I didn't raise you to be so petty about appearances'.

I'm terrified of being equally blind to my age, and consequently probably take it a bit far in the other direction. I just couldn't bear for anybody to be sniggering at me and thinking I'm mutton dressed as lamb.

There's nowt you can do though, she would be hurt and angry if you told her how you felt.

DecorHate - I do wonder whether there's an element of depression to it. Her dad suffered terribly with it and I know it can run in families. She's a workaholic and doesn't really have much of a life outside of that which must get her down, but when I suggest joining walking groups or things like that she always makes excuses.

I've lost some weight myself recently and tried to encourage her to eat a bit more healthily. The other day we were in M&S and she kept looking at nice clothes that were too small, but it still didn't stop her from piling lots of unhealthy stuff into her shopping basket in the food section. I don't know how else to help her with weight. I showed her how to make a quick healthy curry but she still buys the unhealthy readymade versions. The more I think about it, I'm sure this is connected to her size, but she's not willing to change her habits.

It's a vicious circle isn't it. ie I won't dress nicely until I lose weight. But I don't have what it takes to lose the weight.

My mum isn't overweight but she's a heavy smoker and many aspects of her life are simply on hold 'until I give up smoking', which in fact I suspect she's never going to do. So she will never have to get fit, get a new wardrobe, address the messy house etc as she is putting it all off for a day that will never come.

I know it sounds a bit bad, but I do sympathise. I'm guessing that you're not trying to bitch about your mother, you just wish she coud practice what she preaches and look after her own appearance as much as she berates you about yours.

WRT going out, is it mostly that you wish she'd put in a bit of effort when you go somewhere nice, or that you want her to smarten up all the time? Because YANBU if she seriously turns up looking so awful that you genuinely worry about being denied service - she needs to make an effort when you go somewhere, but if it's a case of walking down the high street and she's a bit all over the place with her clothes, then that's slightly unreasonable. If she's comfortable enough in herself to wear what she wants without stressing about what people think, then it's only your vanity which is being dented.

If the case is really the former, what about treating her to a luxury makeover or 'pampering' day, where someone gets to do all the looking after her skin and maybe restyling her hair for you (and her, of course). If you present it subtly enough, it might give her an incentive to look nicer, and encourage her to think more about her own appearance.

You might also want to consider whether she has self esteem issues about her looks and gets angry when you comment because she is very conscious that she doesn't look as good as she used to. If she used to have much better dress sense that argues more for an esteem issue than just 'bad taste', and to me is a hint there might be an underlying problem. Was she always a size 20 or has her weight come with age? If it has, that could be part of the problem. My mum is by no means fat, but is already depressed about her looks and wears frumpy 'comfy' trousers because she feels bloated - trousers which only enhance the bloated look she complains about and proabably make her notice it more when she looks in the mirror. Her weight has increased since she had an operation and stopped doing the massive amount of sport she did beforehand, despite every fad diet under the sun. (Though that doesn't explain her odd taste in garish waistcoats which I cringe about - believe me, I do sympathise...)

I sympathise. My mum has also suffered from depression and my father died a couple of years ago and sometimes I look at her and my heart sinks... I know she thinks she is 'just' at home, but she will quite happily welcome us into her home with a top that she has clearly been wearing for a couple of days, covered in stains.

However, she did admit to me that she doesn't like shopping and is stuck in a rut, so I have been going with her now and again and am slowly dragging improving her sense of self-image. She has now booked weekly hair appointments and I encouraged her to get her make up done when we were in a department store recently.

I sympathise though, because its an impossible subject to raise..

elle does she dress 'nicely' for work? If she does, then she obviously knows that she's wearing tat outside of work. If she's dressing like that at work too, then I think there is something else going on.

Is there any way you can find something to do together that will get her interacting with people outside of work?

Ahh, crossposted with quite a few people here. It definitely sounds to me like this is esteem related. Is there an activity which she still enjoys? Walking clubs and jogging are very obvious if you're trying to push her into a 'get fit' routine, which could be why she's reacting badly. What about finding a sport she can really get into, but which isn't quite as heavily promoted in fitness schemes.

She could take a course in Tai Chi or another martial art - they're more interesting than just going for a walk and they burn up a lot more energy than you'd think. My nan was told she had to lose 2 stone by her doctors (she's now diabetic) and she did Tai Chi because it wouldn't stress her heart too much, and she's always going on about how much harder it is than it looks. Since starting that she's gotten more active and now goes swimming regularly too.

Or what about a dance class, or even something fun like table tennis? If she's a workaholic it would be a good way to relax and have fun a little while still having a chance at shaping up.

as a former big person i can say that i neglected mysefl a lot, i often felt that if i dressed up in anyway it would draw attention to me, and i really hated that idea.
i used to wear black, black, and oh yeah, more black!
and i didn't buy any new clothes for about 2 yrs because i knew i wouldn't wear them and that if i did i thought i would look ridiculous. i also didn't wear any make up or have a hair cut :S

i think it is probably down to her size, but only she can make the step to change her eating/exercising habits.

Tottwriter - she hasn't always been big. She gained a lot of weight when she had me and my DB and never lost it, then gained some more weight around menopause. Her dress sense has never been great. I suspect it's partly due to not really having many friends, so she doesn't see sort of thing her peers are wearing. When we're out shopping she'll suggest things like Per Una floral dresses for me which are about 30 years too old for a twentysomething. I was used to the bad taste, but the problem is the scruffiness which has come in the last few years - the trainers everywhere are the worst example of this. She does dress more smartly for work - black trousers and a shirt or longsleeved top usually.

As for the activities thing - I've also suggested a book group that i saw advertised but she was negative about that too and said she wouldn't have time. I live a couple of hours away and am still learning to drive, so I can't come home as often as I would like so I can't really do much with her.

My mother wears see through shorts in the summer. nuff said.

YANBU

I too sympathise, elle. With my mother it's hair colour, she goes for very garish reds/mahoganies that are intended to be 'auburn' but invariably are too bright. I waited till she used one that was more natural and praised it like hell 'That REALLY suits you Mum ' and she did buy that colour from then on.

She puts her make up on without her glasses and gets splodges etc but like morris's mum, tuts when I mention it.

It's a delicate situation. Don't feel guilty, you are clearly thinking of her as well as yourself.

WTF are see-through shorts?? boggles

My Mum had a Christmas jumper (y'know the kind - baubles and kittens) which she wore year around and loved.

It was so hideous that when she died my brother suggested dressing her in it when she was cremated so that we'd be sure it was gone. And we did!

Poor Mum - I did love her but she had terrible dress sense.

I have a sister the same. She lives abroad and her sense of dress is the same as when she left about 15 years ago. On Christmas day we went to a lovely hotel and she wore trousers that were old and faded. If you say to her to get ready she will say she is ready. Hair flat and stuck to her head, no makeup. She started a new job and has had a bit of a wakeup call so did go shopping a couple of times for new clothes when she was over. Whether she wears them or not I dont know. She is also very well off so its not the money.

There is a difference between refusing to buy into the looks-obsessed culture (not bothering with make up or hairdressing, sticking to comfy clothes) and looking a complete slob ie foodstained tracksuit at a formal occasion. WRT restaurant meals, would it work to tell her before the trip that the restaurant is lovely but has a sign on the door saying 'Smart Dress Only' or soemthing?

Some peope just aren't that interested in their appearance. It's not necessarily a sign they are in the depths of depression, some people just don't care, and just don't get it.

elle can you say to your mum about the meal with PIL that it is a v nice restaurant and you're all getting done up and it would be great if she could wear her really nice x, y and z .

If she is happy the way she is, and you only want her to change to fit in with your own dress sense ideas or what other people think, then yes YABU. Why not accept her for who she is? ImSoNotTelling is right, not everyone is particularly interested in style and fashion. Why does it matter to you whether people judge her to be "successful" in their own terms? What do you like about your mum?

have you tried taking her out for a day and just having a trying-on day? me and my auntie did this, as she was struggling to get used to her body shape after she'd gained a few, and we didnt buy anything, just spent the whole day trying on stuff, even stuff that was disgusting, every style, shape etc. it was GREAT fun, and i learnt a lot about what fitted me too!
or just have a normal clothes shop and get her to try on stuff and do the overly flattering compliments.

i understand what you mean, but maybe your mum doesnt realise whats out there for her! i think maybe if she sees whats out there shell be encouraged to try more, but if she doesnt smarten up a bit, you'll know thats just her preference, and you'll have to lump it.
or, turn up wearing identical clothes to her for a meal etc, and if she says anything, you'll know how to respond! she cant exactly argue/leave if you're copying her right?

You surely have to be a troll. I can't believe anyone could be such a bitch as to post this kind of stuff about the woman who gave your life and wiped your bum cooked your tea and di your washing for years and years.
It is up to her to wear whatever she wants,why the hell should she dress to please you.
Shame on you !

My mum has bright orange hair

I swear it glows.

My dad has perfected the sandals with socks and slightly too tight shorts look to a tee (most people think they're German tourists) they live abroad and I refuse to go on the beach as dad is in speedo's and mum in a thong

[shudder]

OP I don't think you're a troll you're just in the unfortunate daughters club.

brassband - thanks for the helpful message . If you read the message and replies you'd see that I'm not just wanting her to dress to please me. And I don't need reminding of how much my mum has done for me thank you. The reason I'm writing this post is that my mum gives too much time to other people and her job and not enough time to herself. If I've heard people sniggering at my mum then I'm sure she's noticed it too and it can't be doing her self esteem any good.

gmtbst - it's not about expecting her to suddenly develop a love of fashion and look amazingly chic all the time, just to dress appropriately for the situation you're in. And it seems a shame to me that although she's ageing very well she makes herself look much older than she is.

Britfish - the trying on day sounds a good idea. I'll try and get her to come out to the shops next time I'm home.