To wish my mum would take more pride in her appearance

[ellesapelle]

My mum is 56 and over the last few years her dress sense has gone downhill. The other day we went for dinner in a nice restaurant and she turned up wearing trainers, a tatty jumper which had shrunk in the wash and some incredibly unflattering tapered bright blue cord trousers. I was worried at first that we wouldn't be allowed into the restaurant. I'm not saying she should start dressing like Joan Collins, but I don't think that her outfit was appropriate for going out for dinner. We sat next to a table of couples around her age and the women were wearing nice tops and black trousers. It's not just a case of her wearing frumpy clothes - jeans and a fleece would be an improvement. She just throws things together and the effect is 'bag lady' - I know it's awful of me to say that. She carries a tatty handbag which is falling apart even though I got her a lovely black leather one for Christmas - she apparently didn't like the clasp on it. She wears trainers everywhere - gym ones not smarter Converse style ones. Fair enough if she wants to be comfortable, but I don't see why she can't get some nice smart shoes from Clarks or Ecco. She gets a curly perm which looks dreadful - Kevin Keegan in the 70s. Her clothes and hair add years to her which is such a shame because she has fantastic skin for someone her age. She's a size 20 but makes herself look even bigger by wearing such unflattering clothes. She also wears huge glasses which cover too much of her face.

I know this comes across as incredibly bitchy and shallow, but if I'm being completely honest, I do find it embarrassing being out with her sometimes. People give her funny looks and I've heard people sniggering when we were queuing in a shop. She has a very good job so she's not short of money to buy new clothes. My dad has commented on it as well, though neither of us would dare bringing it up with her. She's very quick to criticise others - she'll comment on my bad skin (I have PCOS), or tell me I should get my hair cut like so-and-so - but the second anyone criticises her, she goes mad at them and leaves the room. I'm not very high maintenance in terms of beauty - I've never had a manicure/pedicure or bought a designer label etc but I try and wear flattering clothes that are smart enough for wherever I'm going, so it's not that I'm judging her by impossibly high standards. I hate the thought of people looking at my mum and thinking she's lazy and scruffy or a bit strange instead of the amazing successful woman she is.

I'm planning a dinner to celebrate my birthday, DP's new job and my parents and PIL meeting for the first time but I'm not sure I want to book anywhere too nice in case she turns up in her trainers and jeans and we get turned away. I'm also a bit worried about the impression PIL will take away of her.

Maybe it shouldn't bother me and I'm being unreasonable.
(BTW, I've namechanged from a family NN)

ellesapelle - But maybe she just doesn't care what other people think ?

ellesapelle, good luck!
you might learn something yourself as well, i seriously recommend trying on stuff youd never wear, styles youd never wear, to anyone!

Perhaps she doesn't know where to start or what suits her. Could you book both of you into a girly day out - shopping for clothers/having your colours done? I know you say you don't really bother that much with your appearance either, but maybe you could find and excuse such as an important meeting or party and ask her to come with you.

troublewithtalk - I bought her a lovely black leather handbag for Christmas but she's never used it. Apparently because she didn't like the magnetic fastening. Instead she carries one which is falling apart and trailing down by her legs because the strap has broken. For her birthday last year I got her a wrap cardigan in a colour which really suits her skintone and a matching beaded scarf I've never seen them being worn either.

pinkpanettone - that sounds a nice idea. I might try and get her to come and visit me in London and go round the big department stores. She doesn't really do 'girly days' though because she's such a workaholic. I'm close to my goal weight so I might use that as an excuse.

ah i sympathise... my mum always has immaculate hair,nails and makeup but she wears navy. all the time. ALL THE TIME.

it's completely a self-esteem issue. if she wears something more colourful (when not at work) then it might draw attention to her. and that, apparently, wouldn't be good. however, for work she'll wear blouses of green (gasp) and light blue (not so much of a gasp).

but when she comes to see us, go out for coffee, go to family events, anything... she'll wear the same pair of navy trousers and navy t-shirt.

it's not that i want mum to wear something brighter for me - i feel that it's related to how she feels. and also, i think there's a degree of laziness too... she doesn't like to go shopping and comes over all indecisive (she's not like that the rest of the time!)...

i have bought her some tops in a dusky pink (oooh) and lightish blue (aaaah) and she's worn them. and she's done so happily... and we comment (eg "ooh someone's not wearing navy today" etc) she'll laugh and then slap dh round the back of the head....!

i think what i'm trying to say is that my concern (and possibly the concern of the op) is that the way mum dresses is a direct indication of how she feels, even if she cn't talk about it. it's not that i want to make her different - i would just love to see her personality come through in what she wears. and i'd love for her to be happy.

see through shorts are shorts through which you can see her underwear. she is 72. i kid you not. my children are totally embarrassed. as am i. and don't even start me on the purple hair. dp, however, thinks its funny and sweet and it doesn't annoy him at all.

Troublewithtalk - I do worry about my mum's weight. Not from an aesthetic point of view but because my dad has serious health problems because he's overweight, so I know how dangerous it can be.

The problem is that I don't think my mum is fulfilled. Other than work she doesn't have any interests. She keeps putting back the date of her retirement, I think because she can't comprehend not working. But then she complains about being stressed and too busy because of work, so I don't think it makes her particularly happy. My dad is very into golf and has lots of friends through that and my mum really resents him for that.

As I write this it's making me realise that they're her problems, not mine and that I need to start accepting that I can't change things. It's very frustrating seeing someone that you care about unhappy.

Totally understand. My mum used to be immaculate until about 7 or 8 years ago, always had make-up perfectly applied, went to expensive hairdressers to get her hair cut in a trendy 60s crop.

Now, wow. She STILL applies her make-up perfectly but this make-up that suited her at 42 don't suit a 52 y/o ;) Also she insists on wearing tops/dresses without sleeves when her arms aren't the slimmest (neither are mine but i insist on covering mine up!) She never wears anything "classy" I see lovely, smart, feminine clothes when we're out shopping and I'll point them out and she'll go "it's OLD" and i think "but you ARE old(ish) now, mummy dearest"

Having said this, she did broach the subject a few days ago. She told me that she wanted to get some new clothes becfause she thought she'd gone "downhill" She then asked me to confirm she'd gone downhill and I just said "I wouldn't say downhill, I'd just say that you have a lot to work with and you should make more of yourself" to which she did the hurt feelings face that she always does when I don't tell her what she wants to hear ("dahling, you look 25. let's go to TopShop and get you in a crop-top")

God I sound like a right bitch

Dropping hints about your mums weight is probably driving her mad and she's probably shiving the unhealthiest things in her basket in front of you to hint to you to shove off!

If you are concerned about her weight for health reasons, be direct. Say "I'm worried that your weight is beginning to affect your health. If you chose to try and do something about it I will support it" then leave her alone. Like it or not she is an adult and can make whatever choises she see fit.

As for clothes/hanbags - if you want to buy her a handbag go with her and choose one. Buying someone a handbag becuase you like it wihtout their input is a sure way to waste your money.

And of course as you get older many people (including me) actually do genuinely care less about what others think.

I do expose my fat arms to th epublic , they seem to survive and I find it rather liberating.

If you are concerned about what she wears to a specific event, again you need to be blunt and ask her what she's planning to wear and tell her there is a dress code.

If you suspect depression for any other reason then you need to try to tackle that but otherwise I'm afraid you can;t control her.

When I was a teenager, my mum had a friend who had a similar problem with her appearance. She was a senior nurse and always well groomed for work, clean hair, polished shoes etc, but the rest of the time she was really not the same person. This lack of care showed in her home too, for all her efficiency at work, outside work she just seemed to fall apart, couldn't make decisions about anything.

She wouldn't accept my mums offers to go shopping and help her choose things, even though she was so indecisive. Some years later, I saw mums friend in a department store, she had been retired for some time, and she looked like a bag lady with greasy dirty hair, grimy shabby coat and worn out shoes. I almost didn't recognise her. My parents had moved away and so didn't see much of her.

I'm pretty certain she had been depressed for years, but retiring made it worse. Both mum and dad tried to help her, but she just resisted, albeit in a passive way. In the end, we can't force people to change, but I understand the op's feelings.

I think it's not unusual for ladies of 50 and above to start feeling a bit differently about clothes and knowing what suits them. I'm 51, and have to stop myself sometimes when shopping for clothes, because I want to dress 20 years younger! Although I would dress up if the occasion requied, I like casual clothes most of the time. I agree with those who say a real downturn in appearance and also personal hygiene can be an indicator of depression, and when this is under control, the other issues can be addressed.

You can do casual but smart. My mate's mum is 56 and comes to toddlers with DGS in well-cut jeans, white shirts, Converse trainers, well- maintained hair and nails (my mum insists on long fingernails, bleugh) and she always looks great.

Very odd reading this,as I am obviously nearer to your Mums age than to yours...

There is a difference between being concerned about your Mum's health and happiness,and just not liking how she chooses to dress.I think YANBU on the first count,and it does sound as if she may be depressed. On what to do about it all I'm completely with Kewcumber.

(ElleBing,can I suggest that if you see lovely, smart, feminine clothes when out shopping,that perhaps you buy them for yourself? .Personally I do not want to do smart casual,and perhaps your Mum doesn't want to either.Really why should what people wear be dictated completely by their age? and she's only 52,FGS - that's not old! She could have another 40 years happy living ahead... sorry - irrelevant rant referring to wrong mother...)

Im sorry but I think it's horrible to hear people saying such shallow things about their mothers!

If I heard people gasping about my mum, I would tell them to get a life and stop caring what other people looked like! And believe me, my mum is very alternative. She 12 tattoos which cover her arms, jet black hair, wears very gothic clothes - velvet pants, lots of red, lacey kinds of things. The big boots etc. People do look at her, but instead of feeling embarrassed I feel angry on her behalf that people could be so shallow. And I have more than once pulled people up on their tutting and staring. For my wedding my mum wore tartan pants, and a black shirt with lacey sleeves, and a red flower in her hair and a gothic shoker. She said that if I wanted she would have dressed conservatively as not to embarrass me, but I told her I would just be proud to have her there with me and I love her just the way she is. And I think she looks damn cool.

I can see dd writing these posts about me in 10 years' time. Because yes, I do dress primarily in navy (I happen to like it) and I am too lazy to go and buy something new when there are whole and clean clothes in the cupboard and no, my selfesteem is not in any way tied to how I look because I happen not to work that way. I will have selfesteem issues if the book I write isn't very good (not going to happen ), but clothes just don't do it for me. I'd hate dd to start analysing me in terms of what is important to her.

I sympathise with you, my issue is my MIL, whos latest purchase is a bargain charity shop black pretend leather shiny jacket with huge collars and shiny gold buttons. She is late 60s with the figure of a twig. Its a hard one to deal with but I go along with the suggestion of a shopping spree - is her birthday coming up? Or a sprecial occasion? Best of luck.

sprecial? Special!

Be aware though that there are people in this world- myself being one of them- for which the thought of even the most well meaning shopping spree would be enough to totally ruin a birthday.

I was prepared to read the post and assume OP is shallow, fashion-obsessed and mean, however I left my presumptions at the door and ended up feeling some sympathy for Ellsapelle's position.

After years of questioning his children's choices of clothes and hairstyle for being too "hippy" or "punk rock", after a certain age my formerly reasonably dressed (suits for work, "normal" casual wear, jeans, t-shirts etc for the weekend) father began dressing like a tramp. He visited a couple of years back dressed in badly sagging light blue fleece tracksuit bottoms, worn brown leather shoes, a dark blue fleece top and a knitted beanie. We had to downgrade restaurant bookings.

I guess it is one of the many inexplicable things that may happen when a person gets old. I'd rather suffer that than incontinence or dementia, I suppose.

I can offer empathy but no practical advice, I'm afraid.

Did my daughter write this post?

Mandy - if you think it's horrible to see people writing such shallow things about their mothers, why did you hunt out an old thread and bump it?

didn't notice it was an old thread...and yes cory you are right...I wouldn't like it myself!! Wonder how this all panned out, if the OP ever had her birthday/PIL meal.

I am a mum and was size 20 until recently.I havent been much interested in clothes for years and I would hate to think one of my dc was saying things like that about me.In fact I do 'scrub up' well if I am going somewhere special but if I do go out in my 'scruff' I am still me.How hurtful for your poor mum.If I was her I wouldnt want to go out with you again.
Shame!