to0 have called this woman a judgemental old cow???

[fiveisanawfullybignumber]

Please bear in mind that I'm 33 weeks pregnant & hormonal with DC5 if IABU, be gentle with me. Also a bit long, sorry.

I was at my local hospital this morning with my DD1 (15) and my mum & her friend. had 2 appts for DD this morning, 1 for physio, then 1 with orthapeadic consultant to decide if he wanted to break both her legs and reset them as she has twisted limbs. Followed by an appt for DM who thankfully has been given the all clear for cancer, but has multiple auto immune problems.

In between the appts we went to the coffee shop, where i treated myself to a chocolate coated flapjack and settled down to share it with DD2 (21m sitting in her pushchair after having greast fun gluing things in the hospital playroom.)
DD2 decides she wants to crumble it in her hands and rub chocolate all over herself, so i say no, that's dirty, you can have some if you eat it, but don't make a mess. She definitely understands me, but this is a particular battle of hers at the moment.

She starts to whinge and moan, but I offer her a small piece to pop into her mouth, she makes a grab for it, and again i say no, you can eat it but don't be dirty. Cue much wailing and howling from DD2 who is not getting her own way. so we ignore her, but every minute or so offer her a piece, but on my terms.
There is an older woman, very well dressed a few tables away who is glaring at me, then she says very loudly, why are they stuffing their faces and ignoring that child? FGS they should talk to it!
Maybe i shouldn't have, but I walk over and calmly say, I'm ignoring my child having a temper tantrum because i won't let her rub chocolate all over herself. I have offered her some on numerous occasions but all she wants is to play with it, so she's not having it.
She then goes on to tell me that she has worked with children over many years, and a child having a tantrum needs attention and i was a terrible mum for neglecting her.
At which point i flipped and told her she was a judgemantal old cow and she was talking rubbish. Then reminded her she was in a hospital outpatients dept, where most people had illnesses/problems and she was a nasty vicious old woman who had now made my DD1 burst into tears at hearing what she'd said, and now we were off to see if the surgeon wanted to break both her legs, and thanks!!!
DD1 needed a huge hug, and DD2 stopped wailing to watch mummy flip out at the old bag.
Was IBU or could you have held your temper.

I once did a very similar thing to two old bags who were tutting and doing the les dawson boobs thing (you know, arms under boobs, hoik up??) when I was trying to put DD then about 18months into pushchair.
yanbu

yanbu but I probably would have ignored her rather than escalate it (maybe im a wimp!)

yanbu - been there in a different situation! Sometimes it helps to let rip!!!

stay cool babe - she is not worth the attention

I maybe should have ignored her but quite stressed and hormonal at the moment, soooo much going on for us, and she said it so loudly. she wasn't even talking discretely to her husband, she was looking right at me.
In his defense, he sat there with his arms crossed smiling while i gave her what for.

agasarecool I saw a woman fighting her toddler into a pushchair later, and said, all these little darlings are the same aren't they? they know which buttons to press in public. Made her laugh and she said thanks. Felt a bit better then.

fiveisanawfullybignumber her speciality was to throw tantrums in the shop if she didn't get her own way, aged around 3, and loudly state she was going to pee herself if i didn't give in. My mother (bless) was horrified the day I'd had enough and let her lol

On the upside, it stopped your DD2's tantrum in its tracks, so it was actually a positive thing!

Good for you for standing up for yourself

I think you did a public service. The fact that you tackled her might provide a powerful disincentive in future to her from stage whispering criticisms of other people.

YADNBU. I thought the best thing to do with a tantrum is ignore it - Give the Child attention? Is she serious?

I was shaking like a leaf afterwards. She really got to me, but the worst was seeing DD1 so upset, she had such a lot to deal with this morning. a gruelling 30 min physio session, they are masochists, but it's slowly helping.
The funny thing was my DM coming up after me and saying, this is my daughter and i'm proud of the way she doesn't pander to a temper tantrum, and god help your children if you act like this around your granchildren.

No YANBU. I hate hate judgey old bags who have forgotten what toddlers can be like and who stick their beak in without really knowing the circumstances.

agasarecool Bless, did she ever do it again. DS2 (now 8) was a nightmare for tantrums, and we sometimes used to give in for a quiet life, but it really does make things worse, so I'm determined to do the right thing with DD2 and DD3 when she arrives. DD2 is normally a little treasure, but she has a real issue with painting herself with food at the moment, and throwing it on the floor (where it promptly goes in the bin with no replacement)
Funnily enough, the throwing food has declined recently.

Oh brilliant - your DM went for an encore. Ha! - the judgemental unpleasant sourpuss had that one coming!

I think you were completely reasonable!!!

My 2 1/2 year old had a tantrum when I refused to carry him back to the car which was a short walk away - I was 5 months pregnant and was trying to get him to walk more so I just sat on the edge of a planter box in the side street where he had dropped down to his knees and played on my mobile and ignored him while he screamed his head off.

An elderly woman who walked past congratulated me on having the strength to ignore his tantrum. It was such a nice thing for her to do, and did help me grit my teeth and bare it. If I had had an woman say something to me like that woman said to you then I would have bitten her head off.

YANBU She so was a judgemental old cow

I guess the problem here (as is so often in AIBU) is one of perception.

So, we get your side of of the story. Which is horrific and stressful, and as an aside I'm so sorry to hear of your troubles, but we are hearing your side of this story, and it's a side to the story that the woman in the cafe didn't know.

She was incredibly rude to refer to your child as "it" and hideously insensitive to call you a bad mum. BOO to her...

But..who knows what her story was? As you say, outpatients is a stressful place...she could have been there for a myriad of reasons.

YWNBU for feeling what you felt. YWNBU to call her on it. It was unreasonable to call her names, but hey, we're all human.

Wow, snaps for your DM, how cool!

you know nothing of her mental health problems or life experiences.
! hate these threads when people call other women cows/old bags/sourpusses.

If she was just downright nasty with no mitigating circumstances that does not make it ok for you to call her names

Nope, I would (and have) done the same.

I was in a cafe with my DDs when they were very small - about 18m and just 3yo. DD2 was stropping loudly for a reason I can't recall, but I do remember was pure temper. She was and still is at 13 a very difficult child with a wicked temper, blowing at the drop of a hat (bless her!).

I'd learnt by then that the quickest way to resolve the issue was to ignore it. However an older woman nearby had different ideas and told me how wrong I was to do so, that she had had cancer (WHAT? WHY?!) and that my DD was precious and should be attended to. What she failed to acknowledge was that I am DDs mother and I knew what worked and what didn't with DD and she didn't so I'm afraid that I too told the woman to butt out.

Sorry but the other woman's illness is irrelevent. I've had serious illness too but I don't go arounnd telling others how to bring up their children. As a mum who has been there it's far more appropriate and better received to smile at the stressed other and say something to the effect that you might know how she feels and that children can be monsters to their mums sometimes.

Jasper, what would the mitigating circumstances be for someone who deliberately stage whispers criticism of a parent (who wasn't beating her child, after all!), and then when given a sensible explanation follows up with 'you're a terrible mum who's neglecting her child'?

OP, I'm so impressed you called her on it. Tht sort of loud stage whisper thing makes me really angry.

Thanks everyone (well mostly everyone.) I was hoping it wasn't just me being overly hormonal.
She looked to all intents and purposes well in mind and body, but I know you can't tell just because she dolled up to the nines. She was more annoyed about being called old than the judgemental cow bit, she didn't like that one little bit.
And as for the stage whisper, she was really loud, everyone was looking even before i reached her table!

So Jasper, even though I'm suffereing fron Ante-natal depression (always have and need medication throughout pregnancy and beyond) I should have allowed this woman to rubbish my parenting skills and say very loudly in public that I'm neglecting my child just in case she's not all there???
How much would you have taken? She wasn't going to stop till I approached her.

No matter what was possibly wrong with her, she had no right to butt in and be so rude!

YANBU