to0 have called this woman a judgemental old cow???

[fiveisanawfullybignumber]

Please bear in mind that I'm 33 weeks pregnant & hormonal with DC5 if IABU, be gentle with me. Also a bit long, sorry.

I was at my local hospital this morning with my DD1 (15) and my mum & her friend. had 2 appts for DD this morning, 1 for physio, then 1 with orthapeadic consultant to decide if he wanted to break both her legs and reset them as she has twisted limbs. Followed by an appt for DM who thankfully has been given the all clear for cancer, but has multiple auto immune problems.

In between the appts we went to the coffee shop, where i treated myself to a chocolate coated flapjack and settled down to share it with DD2 (21m sitting in her pushchair after having greast fun gluing things in the hospital playroom.)
DD2 decides she wants to crumble it in her hands and rub chocolate all over herself, so i say no, that's dirty, you can have some if you eat it, but don't make a mess. She definitely understands me, but this is a particular battle of hers at the moment.

She starts to whinge and moan, but I offer her a small piece to pop into her mouth, she makes a grab for it, and again i say no, you can eat it but don't be dirty. Cue much wailing and howling from DD2 who is not getting her own way. so we ignore her, but every minute or so offer her a piece, but on my terms.
There is an older woman, very well dressed a few tables away who is glaring at me, then she says very loudly, why are they stuffing their faces and ignoring that child? FGS they should talk to it!
Maybe i shouldn't have, but I walk over and calmly say, I'm ignoring my child having a temper tantrum because i won't let her rub chocolate all over herself. I have offered her some on numerous occasions but all she wants is to play with it, so she's not having it.
She then goes on to tell me that she has worked with children over many years, and a child having a tantrum needs attention and i was a terrible mum for neglecting her.
At which point i flipped and told her she was a judgemantal old cow and she was talking rubbish. Then reminded her she was in a hospital outpatients dept, where most people had illnesses/problems and she was a nasty vicious old woman who had now made my DD1 burst into tears at hearing what she'd said, and now we were off to see if the surgeon wanted to break both her legs, and thanks!!!
DD1 needed a huge hug, and DD2 stopped wailing to watch mummy flip out at the old bag.
Was IBU or could you have held your temper.

I dont think that the magority of people on here would be so controlled if told that they are a terribal mum who is neglectful from anyone especially a stranger who thinks she knows better just because she looks after children. Let that be a lesson to the woman in future!

Why did you call her an "old cow"? And don't give me that "I'm pregnant and hormonal" nonsense. What had her age got to do with it, why do so many MNetters refer to older women as old bags/hags etc?

You could have just told her she was being judgemental without demeaning yourself with the name-calling.

Well if the woman is not prepared to take it she should not have said those things what does she expect!

I keep imagining 'Littleoldladiesnet' with their own AIBU threads "You'll never guess what I saw today..."

It is great when you get support from an elderly lady who clearly DOES remember what toddlers are like.

For this delightful person, I think I would have gone for "Thank you for your helpful advice" in a very sarcastic tone of voice.

Yep that would have done the trick weasel

Rebecca I dont think that you would be so perfect and controlled in that situation

"She then goes on to tell me that she has worked with children over many years, and a child having a tantrum needs attention and i was a terrible mum for neglecting her."

On the bf/bottlefeeding forum a bf mum experienced some rudeness from a member of the public about her bf, and she retailated in the same way as the op did, the support she got from MN on that thread was really postive, and here we are saying that the op was U and should have been controlled Yeh right controlled and reasonable when being called a terribal mum who is neglectful, and you have a child undergoing a serious op and a mum who has recently recovered from cancer.

I don't think that calling the woman an old cow was totally uncalled for - her age is relevant because her parenting/childcare style may well be influenced by her age and what was the norm when she was caring for children, and frankly implying a mother was neglecting a child because she was ignoring a tantrum, and calling the child 'it' does merit being called a cow, I think.

This reminds me of a time when ds ,then about 3, decided to lie down on the pavement in a strop over something.

An old man came up to me and asked me if I'd like him to beat him with his walking stick! (whilst winking at me)

I said, 'go on then' and ds got up very quickly

Thing is, if you'd let your child smudge the chocolate everywhere the old bag would have probably complained about that as they do! So why bother with them?!

No, YANBU and I've done it when people where stage whispering at the park about how young I was to have a child. At the time I was 16/17 and had taken my Nans small foster daughter to the park I still get it when I take the same child to the park now even though she's the exact opposite to me in terms of looks and she calls me by my name

yanbu - you must have been stressed out on the appts. What an interfering person.

OP, I totally understand your feelings, but would you want your DDs to say "judgmental old cow" to someone who annoyed them?

It is mean to make those sort of remarks about anyone's parenting (or anything else!)and it is reasonable to challenge it.

Do you think that shouting abuse in the hospital coffee shop is really ok though? What about the other people around. Everyone's at the hospital for a reason and that kind of thing can be upsetting for the 'innocent bystanders'

Surely if you're going to sit out a tantrum you'd remove yourselves from the coffee shop to somewhere where it would have less impact on others?

Agree that it was wrong of her to make such remarks, and extremely unfortunate that she did so when you (and children) under such stress.

But also agree with the poster who noted how often MNers resort to 'old cow', 'old hag' type remarks, as if somehow the fact that (most of us) have young(ish) children throws about us a cloak of sanctity and youthfulness and that, of all those who might criticise us, the evil elderly are the most repugnant and therefore justifiably dismissed with a gratuitous insult (of the kind we would certainly not own up to on AIBU had we doled it out to a child/person with disabilities/of different ethic origin etc). Just remember that if your children hear you use such terms frequently it might not be very long before they regard you as falling into 'old cow' territory.

In hindsight I shouldn't have called her a cow, I know that, however she was nasty, vicious and very judgemental.
I was indeed worried about my mum & daughter, and will not let my toddler run rings around me for a quiet life.

I agree with bellissima

I think you took it a bit far tbh.

yay good for you, it's not often that you get the chance to have a go at someone who is being a right old judgy-pants, and with so much stress on your plate I'm just really impressed that it came out so coherently! I would have just blithered and stuttered and looked like even more of an idiot.
and also yay for not giving in to your little one, mine is exactly the same at the moment and its a constant struggle.

Also agree with Bellissima.

bellissima my children do not often hear me say things like that, in fact it's the first time I have snapped at anyone in 17 years of parenting.
I did try to calmly explain what i was doing with DD2, but was told after my explanation that I was neglecteing her, that's when i lost it.
I've said calling her an old cow was not right, but she WAS nasty, vicious and very judgemental in her perfectly groomed older lady way. I'm no spring chicken myself you know.

Good on your five, if she is not prepared to hear it she should not have dished it out. We are only human and the op reacted under stress.

The op did try and explain it to her but got insulted by he lady, too right some need to hear it how it is sorry but I expect that the lady wont be doing that again in a hurry, you saved some other poor mum from a similar fate me thinks.

Now five try and put it behind you and have a nice hot cup of tea, if i had said nothing i would be tearing my hair out wandering what a walkover I am.

Bloody hell my kids have heard me say a lot worse five.

Mind you I am well old enough to be called an old cow and I have young kids.

Its all very well saying we shouldnt say things etc etc but sometimes people deserve to be told about themselves.

This woman was being rude and nosey and was in the wrong.

I agree that the woman will hopefully have a good think about the next time she feels like having an audible mutter, and not do it again.

five - forgot to say -sorry you had such a shit day. Drink wine.

Some of you Stepford wives are quite scary in your smugness - of course you would have all though of the perfect reposte or have ignored the woman with dignity.