to0 have called this woman a judgemental old cow???

[fiveisanawfullybignumber]

Please bear in mind that I'm 33 weeks pregnant & hormonal with DC5 if IABU, be gentle with me. Also a bit long, sorry.

I was at my local hospital this morning with my DD1 (15) and my mum & her friend. had 2 appts for DD this morning, 1 for physio, then 1 with orthapeadic consultant to decide if he wanted to break both her legs and reset them as she has twisted limbs. Followed by an appt for DM who thankfully has been given the all clear for cancer, but has multiple auto immune problems.

In between the appts we went to the coffee shop, where i treated myself to a chocolate coated flapjack and settled down to share it with DD2 (21m sitting in her pushchair after having greast fun gluing things in the hospital playroom.)
DD2 decides she wants to crumble it in her hands and rub chocolate all over herself, so i say no, that's dirty, you can have some if you eat it, but don't make a mess. She definitely understands me, but this is a particular battle of hers at the moment.

She starts to whinge and moan, but I offer her a small piece to pop into her mouth, she makes a grab for it, and again i say no, you can eat it but don't be dirty. Cue much wailing and howling from DD2 who is not getting her own way. so we ignore her, but every minute or so offer her a piece, but on my terms.
There is an older woman, very well dressed a few tables away who is glaring at me, then she says very loudly, why are they stuffing their faces and ignoring that child? FGS they should talk to it!
Maybe i shouldn't have, but I walk over and calmly say, I'm ignoring my child having a temper tantrum because i won't let her rub chocolate all over herself. I have offered her some on numerous occasions but all she wants is to play with it, so she's not having it.
She then goes on to tell me that she has worked with children over many years, and a child having a tantrum needs attention and i was a terrible mum for neglecting her.
At which point i flipped and told her she was a judgemantal old cow and she was talking rubbish. Then reminded her she was in a hospital outpatients dept, where most people had illnesses/problems and she was a nasty vicious old woman who had now made my DD1 burst into tears at hearing what she'd said, and now we were off to see if the surgeon wanted to break both her legs, and thanks!!!
DD1 needed a huge hug, and DD2 stopped wailing to watch mummy flip out at the old bag.
Was IBU or could you have held your temper.

I wouldhave thought of the perfect reply. Possibly 2 hours or so later

lol me 2

Me too Jamie

Whether you were being unreasonable or not isn't that important.
You were having a bad day, in a bad space of time, you were knackered.
When she started judging you, she opened the door to taking her victim as she found her. She found you in a foul mood, and the rest is the OP.

We can all say ohh I wouldn't have done that, but rather more likely is I wouldn't have said what the lady at the table said.

five - I'm no spring chicken myself! Maybe that's why the 'old' bit rankles - I can see my (now 7 yr old) DD2 thinking precisely that all too soon. And I'm certainly no Stepford wife, you should see my house! (and that's before the Easter holidays). And you were admittedly provoked and she shouldn't have said what she said. And it's all too easy to forget, even when your youngest is still only 7, just how difficult it can be to deal with a toddler.

I just sometimes worry that old (and just a bit 'older') people are seen as an entirely acceptable target on here, in a manner that other groups just wouldn't be. Yes, they can be a bit too quick on dishing out the 'advice' and indeed admonition in a manner that can be incredibly irritating and even upsetting at the wrong time. They come from a generation when maybe they were automatically awarded 'respect' however misguided or dictatorial they were, and society has moved on. They also come from a generation when (article in dread DM today) talking to strangers as opposed to your mobile was completely normal - my mum still does this and it embarrasses the hell out of me. But maybe now we have another hierarchy in which (and no this is not directed at the OP or this incident at all, just a general perception and applies to me too) our children are perfect and must not be criticised by anyone, we 'mums' are near-perfect - well okay sometimes neighbours/teachers/even friends are not so perfect and then I'll come on AIBU and tell you all about them - but I'm generally pretty near-perfect. But as people get older then whatever they say that we disagree with can be instantly dismissed. They are somehow repugnant simply for being old.

But you were provoked at a very difficult time and none of us can think of the right retort - crushing and yet totally dignified! - on the spur of the moment. yep have a glass of wine.

Cheers ladies, would love a nice cold Rose, but will have to wait for about 5-6 weeks till DD3 arrive,(also desparate for pate and chevre!) Will have a glass of sparkling grape juice though.

YANBU.

She needs to read some more up to date books on childcare.

I would have just called her a judgemental cow, and left out the "old" bit!

I think I'm in a minority from what I hear, but I have always found older people to be much more tolerant of my DS's occasional bursts of public naughtiness (ahem!) than younger people, and they are often the only ones who are "brave" enough to come up and make a kind comment, "I remember mine doing that" or, "they all make a fuss don't they"!!

At christmas we went to a xmas fair at the local church at DS1 was in a particularly obnoxious mood - I dreaded the judgement of the stern looking older ladies running the stalls, but they couldn't have been kinder, when DS1 used their display to run his toy car up and down, they simply moved it out of the way, and told him there you go dear, your car will work better now!

Sorry, overly long, and a bit off, but I don't agree that this sort of nastiness is generational, or that it is ok to use "old" as an insult. This woman was probably a rude cow when she was 20!

I do agree with some of the posters that I don't like the association of being 'old' with 'bag / hag / cow' etc - it is a bit ageist, and tars all older people unfairly with the same brush. Thats why in this thread, when expressing solidarity to the op I have referred to the lady in question as a 'judgement unpleasant sourpuss' - no mention of 'old' .

However in the heat of the moment when sorely vexed I have, like the OP, forgotten my principles and to my eternal shame have called someone 'a craven, twisted old hag' which is far far worse than the OP! - it wasn't my finest hour. But to err is human.

'judgemental'

Good on your mum!

dont see the problem with saying "old" I have been addressed as "young lady" (quite a while ago I admit )in a derogatory way before - it is just something people say, surely??

would people be so against it if it was an old man instead of old lady, and he was called a "miserable old git"?

So people can say what they want to you (or say it in your direction, clearly meant for you to hear!) and you are supposed to smile gently and say thank you for your views, would you like me to bend over for you now?

I think not.

And the whole "I worked with children for years and you should give attention to a tantrum" thing is bollocks. The LAST thing you do is give attention to a tantrum, unless you want to let your child know that the way to control you is to hurl themselves to the floor and scream.

I don't blame the OP for losing her temper. She was minding her own business when some woman saw fit to make comment, she went over to say hang on this isn't on and got a load of twaddle and then lost her temper.

Maybe if more of us challenged the tutting and the snide comments, people would stop doing it!