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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my partner to learn to drive?

61 replies

Mistoreygirl · 23/03/2010 23:08

In our relationship of 13 years one of the bone of contentions is that my partner can't drive. It wasn't so bad in the early days but now we have 3 dc aged 2,4 and 8 and I get fed up with driving them where they need to go and having to arrange our lives around me being able to take us all everywhere. He catches the bus to work everyday so leave the house at 6.45 and gets home at 6.15. As we live in the sticks the journey takes over an hour each way so he ends up doing a longer day. You would think this alone would bother him but I guess in a way he gets chill time on the bus whilst I am dashing from work or uni to pick up dc and get us home for tea!
The issue comes round a few times each year usually when we have had a row, he has never said he is never going to do it but always finds excuses such as cost, time as he does a long day etc,etc,etc - help!

OP posts:
MillyMollyMoo · 23/03/2010 23:10

My MIL got divorced over this very issue.
She'd taken her test numerous times and just couldn't do it, maybe he knows deep down he would hate driving.
God knows many people do.

ChippingIn · 23/03/2010 23:13

Unless he has a bloody good reason not to learn to drive (and it doesn't seem like he does or surely he would have told you by now!) then he is being a selfish twat.

The running around of the children is only going to get worse, not better, why should you be the only one doing it??

Disclaimer: It is different if you choose, as a couple, not to have a car and arrange your life so one isn't required (each to their own brand of insanity).

ABetaDad · 23/03/2010 23:18

I can't understand why you both chose to live in the stix so far from his work when you both knew he could not drive.

Neither me nor DW drive but choosing carefully where we live is very important so we can use SENSIBLE public transport.

If it is crucial I would move house before DCs get older.

bronze · 23/03/2010 23:21

DH knew I couldnt drive when we got together. He knew I couldnt drive when we decided to have children. He knew I couldnt drive when we bought this house. I would be incredibly pissed off if he now got angry with me for not being able to drive.

Goblinchild · 23/03/2010 23:23

I agree with ABetaDad, your partner has never driven so it seems odd to mind it now. It may be annoying that you are always the designated driver, but it's a small thing in our household. My partner can't drive either, catches the train.
I find the boot the perfect place to stash crisps or biscuits I don't feel like sharing with my teenagers or OH.

TheCrackFox · 23/03/2010 23:29

I agree with Betadad. I can't drive so we live near good transport links. TBH I think my non-driving status saves us a ton of cash. It seems an expensive hobby to me.

juneybean · 23/03/2010 23:34

Suggest learning in an automatic?

tiredfeet · 23/03/2010 23:37

might there be a real reason why he doesn't drive? people nag me to learn all the time and I make excuses like time / cost etc (which actually can both be pretty valid, its not cheap to learn to drive). The reality is that my first boyfriend was killed in a horrific car accident and I just cannot cope with driving, I see cars as killers. I don't like to talk about it much so people probably forget/ don't know and think I'm making excuses. I am sure I am not the only person who has been put off driving for equally tough reasons.

Also agree that DH knew I couldn't drive when we got together, so he had to accept this as part of me. Its not the end of the world and it definitely saves on costs (insurance, petrol, buying the car) - means he gets a much nicer car . He only ever coaxes me to learn to drive because he thinks it might make my life easier

also, because of this, I have always thought carefully about where we live so there is public transport available. Living out in the sticks isn't really ideal.

OtterInaSkoda · 24/03/2010 11:36

YANBU, OP. I understand what people are saying about the folly of choosing to live in a place where driving is a necessity, but you do live in such a place. Also moving to a less remote place might not be an option - in our case, selling our 3-bed house would barely get us a 1 bed flat in town.

I used to loathe driving but expecting DP to ferry us everywhere, not just for day-to-day things but for holidays and daytrips, was unfair.

He should, for the sake of equality, at least show willing.

ImSoNotTelling · 24/03/2010 11:50

What bronze said.

YABU

2rebecca · 24/03/2010 11:54

It sounds as though the problem is not that he doesn't drive, but that you live in the sticks. Moving nearer his job, the university etc would make more sense.

BariatricObama · 24/03/2010 11:54

this reminds me of the 'finding not driving unattractive' thread.

i think mistoreygirl had good reason to feel pissed off. i would be too.

i smoked when i met dh and didn't want to have kids, people change and GROW UP.

SpicedGerkin · 24/03/2010 11:55

I agree with bronze

YABU

GetOrfMoiLand · 24/03/2010 11:56

I used to be terrified of the whole concept of driving. I relied on DP to do all the driving when we went anywhere, if not I used to get the bus and train everywhere.

He never complained but now he tells me that it did used to piss him off and he used to resent it.

I have learnt to drive now and do my fair share. I think it is an important point.

sarah293 · 24/03/2010 11:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

BariatricObama · 24/03/2010 11:58

i don't live in teh sticks and it would still take me over an hour to get to work by bus. dh walks to work i drive. not everyone can live next to work esp if 2 of you work.

OtterInaSkoda · 24/03/2010 12:03

Trying to find a home equidistant to everywhere a family of 5 needs to get to, with easy access to public transport if needed and within walking distance of schools might be neither affordable nor practical.

Basically I think moving - with all the costs and compromises that entails - because an adult cannot be arsed to learn to drive, is daft. They don't necessarily need to run a 2nd car nor even to do more miles - the OP is however reasonable to want her DP to pull his weight more.

notsoteenagemum · 24/03/2010 12:03

Surely if the drive on a bus is an hour the drive in the car would be similar legnth

As a non-driver constantly being nagged to take my test because dh has to drive to the supermarket once a week and very occasionally pick his own children up from an activity/friends house YABU.

BariatricObama · 24/03/2010 12:05

no driving yourself is quicker

Poledra · 24/03/2010 12:05

Well, what if Mistoreygirl's DP kept saying he was going to learn to drive? My DH has often said he will learn to drive when this is finished at work/he's completed such and such work on the house/when whatever debt has been paid off. And he never has. So, it may not be a case that she knew he couldn't drive when they had children etc.

FWIW, it deeply pisses me off that DH cannot drive. I don't mind driving most of the time, but on long journeys, it would be a pleasure to take a break and stare out the window for a while.

GetOrfMoiLand · 24/03/2010 12:06

Of course it may not take the same length of time on a bus as it would in a car.

My old bus journey to work was 25 mins. The drive would be less than 5 minutes. Buses do not go the direct route, they go all round the houses to pick people up, that is the point of them.

OtterInaSkoda · 24/03/2010 12:11

My journey to work used to take me at least an hour each way - more if you factor in getting to the bus stop, waiting for the bus and so on. I regularly spent 3 hours a day commuting basically.

The same journey took 15 minutes by car.

mazzystartled · 24/03/2010 12:14

I don't drive

But my inability to drive doesn't mean that I am absolved from doing (more than) my share of child ferrying etc. We have chosen to live in the city (would have done regardless) and would feel uncomfortable about running 2 cars, even if we could afford it.

I think YABU about driving per se, but maybe he needs to think about how he organises his life a bit to be more equitable.

notsoteenagemum · 24/03/2010 12:17

Not in my experience, especially buses around rush hour when traffic is bad for cars but buses have special lanes, maybe thats just where I live though.

BariatricObama · 24/03/2010 12:19

we have special lanes too but it is still a zillion times faster to drive. tbh it is faster to cycle sometimes

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