To expect my partner to learn to drive?

[Mistoreygirl]

In our relationship of 13 years one of the bone of contentions is that my partner can't drive. It wasn't so bad in the early days but now we have 3 dc aged 2,4 and 8 and I get fed up with driving them where they need to go and having to arrange our lives around me being able to take us all everywhere. He catches the bus to work everyday so leave the house at 6.45 and gets home at 6.15. As we live in the sticks the journey takes over an hour each way so he ends up doing a longer day. You would think this alone would bother him but I guess in a way he gets chill time on the bus whilst I am dashing from work or uni to pick up dc and get us home for tea!
The issue comes round a few times each year usually when we have had a row, he has never said he is never going to do it but always finds excuses such as cost, time as he does a long day etc,etc,etc - help!

Taxi's not always optional, costs too much if it is quite a distance. Plus with 3 dc's it has to be a minibus. Therefore one of us usually drives and we take it in turns.

If it was always my turn I would feel resentful.

I think if neither partner drives maybe it is not such an issue as no one can feel resentful.

Bil doesn't drive and seems to think it is his god given right that everyone gives him lifts. Bloody annoying.

That is one good thing about living in London, public transport is excellent really.

I agree that public transport needs drastic improvement.

Without my car I would not be able to do my job. I start at 0715, drop the dc's at 7 then straight to work, a 10 minute drive away. It would take me an hour minimum on the buses and 7am is the earliest childcare near us.

ISNT - If I thought I could cope with city living or London prices, I'd move there in a heartbeat. But I'm too much the country bumpkin; I get all lost and nervous in cities. I can just about cope in the town I'm in now, where I'm within walking distance of the edges (well, it would be a long walk, but still...).

I really miss my car though. Gave it to my little sister after the end of the second year of it sitting on my Dad's lawn. I don't think I have a chance of getting my licence back for years.

We don't really drink when out with the dc's so thats not an issue for us, and a taxi every so often is still cheaper than running a second car.

I think the difference is I hardly ever ask for a lift from anyone. As a non-driver i would never assume people would ferry my dc around.
If Op's dh expects her to take him places then that is unfair but otherwise I think as he's never driven it's just one of those things.

I think it's appalling that they sold off the bus routes and then have allowed the service to deteriorate. What did they think was going to happen?

Again in London it's all controlled by one central organisation, and they are fairly good at keeping the private companies in line I think.

They have to heavily subsidise to do it though.

I am learning to drive on mat leave. I spent my early twenties in a major city where driving was considered a mug's game, my mid-twenties a penniless student and went straight into a job that required longish hours (frequently 8-7, sometimes 8-8) 11 miles from my house but an hour and a half each way on public transport.

Three hours public transport commuting is a pain in the arse, let me tell you. Yeah, you've got days where the sun is shining and the carriage is empty and the world is on your side, but certainly, when I was 8 months pregnant and standing in the POURING rain with bags and baggage, it was anything but fun.

The cost and time involved in learning to drive is huge. I am very committed right now and taking 3 hours worth of lessons - that's £63 a week!! Timewise, now that I am out of the rat race, I can manage it but it is eating into my savings. The average number of lessons is 40 with 22 hours private practice. I am learning in an automatic to speed it up but have no private practice as we have a manual and no one to look after the baby and neither dh or I would trust me in a car with him just yet.

So I know why you're p'd off, but it's not as if learning to drive is that easy when you're older and have other commitments, especially with a long commute.

If someone isn't ready to drive (and they may never be) then it isn't a good idea to force them into it. It took me years and years and years to be ready and the few times I was pressured into taking lessons before I was ready were a total disaster, I wasn't safe on the roads.

Now I am a good driver, but had I somehow managed to pass when I was younger I feel sure it wouldn't have ended nicely.

OP - If your DP isn't ready or doesn't want to I think you're best not pressuring him into it, after all it'd be your kids in the back seat.

OP - have you found out WHY your DP doesn't want to learn? In my experience people usually have a pretty good reason, for example I don't drive for the following reasons;

• one of my best friends passed his driving test the day after I turned 17 (I was about to start learning to drive). That afternoon he was killed in a head on collision.
• when I finally did get the courage to start learning when I was 20 I found the experience utterly horrifying, I almost killed several people, I almost drove into a lorry, I couldn't remember how to stop the car, I couldn't cope with junctions, my driving instructor reduced me to tears almost every lesson because of how I rubbish I was. Before my lessons I used to cry, feel nauseous and get very sweaty.
• I now know that I have dyspraxia which explains why I found driving so hard and also means that I will find learning to drive very difficult. I personally feel that I am fit to drive and therefore don't.

Has he ever had lessons in the past? If so did he struggle with them?(No-one would believe me that driving could be 'so difficult for you' (esp DP and his family) but now I'm diagnosed they're taking my difficulties a bit more seriously. Perhaps he's really scared and doesn't want to admit to it?