To expect my partner to learn to drive?

[Mistoreygirl]

In our relationship of 13 years one of the bone of contentions is that my partner can't drive. It wasn't so bad in the early days but now we have 3 dc aged 2,4 and 8 and I get fed up with driving them where they need to go and having to arrange our lives around me being able to take us all everywhere. He catches the bus to work everyday so leave the house at 6.45 and gets home at 6.15. As we live in the sticks the journey takes over an hour each way so he ends up doing a longer day. You would think this alone would bother him but I guess in a way he gets chill time on the bus whilst I am dashing from work or uni to pick up dc and get us home for tea!
The issue comes round a few times each year usually when we have had a row, he has never said he is never going to do it but always finds excuses such as cost, time as he does a long day etc,etc,etc - help!

YANBU. Tho your dh may be really scared at the prospect of learning to drive. These things don't get any easier as we get older, imo.

I should know, I couldn't drive when I met dh, and only learned (eventually) when we lived in a place with no public transport links, and I was expecting ds1.

I don't think it's fair to expect one person in the relationship to do all the driving. Like poledra said, sometimes it IS nice to sit and look out the window when you're going somewhere. It's tiresome if you always have to be the one in the drivers seat every time you need to make a journey.

ime the non driver has to do all the child facilitation & entertainment for the journey - picking up toys/passing drinks/breaking up fights. and navigation. grass isn't always greener.

I don't want to commit myself to either side of the fence until I know more tbh.

There are some good points here OP - if you knew he didn't drive when you met him and he made it clear that he wouldn't learn, why didn't you consider how it would affect you later? In that scenario, I'd call unreasonable. But you haven't said whether that is the case or whether he's simply been putting it off and fobbing you off with excuses, or has a legitimate reason not to want to.

You need to clarify a bit, otherwise you're probably going to get a lot more responses that aren't appropriate.

YANBU to be irritated at being a permanent taxi though. Driving or not he should find a way to take the kids/himself out and about.

he should at least learn. I always thought of myself as a "non driver" until one day I decided there was no harm in giving it a shot. I took 2 years worth of lessons and 7 tests but finally passed and think it really was worth it. Even if I hardly ever drive, at least I can if needed.

I think your DH could do half of the child ferrying, unless there are additional reasons he cannot, such as working a longer distance away or working longer hours.

I live in the sticks and don't drive. But when me and DH are both at full time work I can still do the school drop off on the bus and he can do the school pick up. I can take DD to all of her Saturday dance classes on the bus, but DH then takes DS to snowboarding.

I think even in the sticks you can sort things out without needing to have 2 cars or 2 drivers. If your children's school is not within walking distance it is up to the LEA to sort out transport anyway.

It worries me that many children seem to be growing up believing you can't get to a town or go on a holiday or day out unless you can drive.

Presumably though the non-driving partner can only entertain the kids if he's actually IN the car? Wouldn't really work if he's on a bus several miles away

YANBU OP, would drive me mad too.

I think the OPs point is more about sharing the workload rather than car use per se.

Imagine if the OP had posted AIBU to expect my partner to learn to use the washing machine / dishwasher / hoover / oven etc etc so all the responsibility for the home fell onto the OP

It must be really tedious to be the one who has to load all 3 in and out of to the car all the time whereas if her DP was home then maybe they could

(a) take turns in driving the DC
or
(b) maybe he would be home from work in time to enable the other DC to stay at home so only one DC needed to be taken in the car.

Jenduff, but that doesn't alter the fact that the children would then grow up thinking that it was normal to make every journey in a car. If the DH can get to work on public transport, he can certainly take his kids out at a weekend on public transport.

Surely even if he didn't have an hours commute he'd still start and finish work too early/late to take/pick up dc.

Could you afford for him to drive?
Why don't you book him on a crash course or buy him a car, then he can't make anymore excuses?

His cost and time issues could genuinely be a problem.
It will cost a lot more to run another car.
We live out of the way of everywhere and couldn't do it without a car each, perhaps it is worth looking at moving somewhere more realistic - or maybe the thought of moving might be enough to encourage him into learning.

Good points MillyR, my teacher sil has organised a school trip taking children on a train because the majority of her class had never been on one and most thought they were still steam trains like on Harry Potter.

This is a difficult one

I suppose its up to him if he wants to learn. As others have said, there may be a good reason why he doesn't.

On the other hand, I would resent it if my dh didn't drive and I had to do it all. Visiting family, parties, holidays, weekends away and days out. Imagine NO WINE

YANBU. Unless he has a really good reason, it's just lazy IMO. I only learned in November @ 23 and I felt such a bum being a non driver. My MIL is in her 50's and gets ferried around everywhere, has to get people to come and take her shopping - I'm sorry but I would feel such a twat doing that. Fine being a non driver, but don't then rely on the people who could be arsed to pass their test. (I obviously exlcude people who really have genuine reasons)

{grin] at Riven.

Geek if dh wants a drink we get a taxi and if you are holidaying/visiting in the UK we usually go on the train.

gah

I am ill excuse me.

ASLD cost is a genuine reason.

and we, we are holidaying/visiting in the UK.

I need a break.

YANBU, my DH doesn't drive either. He says he will start lessons, but doesn't. I get very irate with him about it sometimes.

However it can be a position of power to be the only driver. If you consider marriage to be a cold war with added sex (and I do) then driving is something that you do for the benefit of non-driver, ie you can expect some sort of reciprocal gesture from him. During the week your DP is simply not there so the driving would fall to you whether he can drive or not, but at the weekends it would be reasonable to expect a division of labour. You could do a list of things to be done, together with the time it takes and let him choose what he wants to do. So if one DC has to go to a party your DP can choose to take the child on the bus while you do housework and dinner, or you can drive the child while he does housework and dinner. The important thing to ensure is that he doesn't get to sit and watch the footy while you do everything.

One thing I have found useful is that I get much more say in where we go because I'm the one driving. Sometimes I simply refuse to drive, my argument is that DH has chosen not to drive for several decades so he has no grounds for complaint if I choose not to drive for one day. It's not all that big a deal at the moment because we live in London, but when we move to Ireland this summer I think DH is going to find life very difficult without a car and I won't put myself out to help him, so hopefully he will get fed up enough to actually learn.

I dont drive, I took my test and failed 4 times, and would love to learn in the future but cannot at the moment as money is tight and as a STAHM we just cannot afford to run two cars. My dh drives, so there is at least one driver there. I think that you are being a bit unreasonable, if that is the case why did you move to a rural location . When we moved we had to take so many things into consideration, not only the house, but public transport links and amenities, and the location of the schools. We are so lucky, our local primary (a good one)is a min walk away, the secondary school (excellent one too) is 10-15 min walk away.

You knew this before you had kids that he did not drive so why are you complaining now. What did they do before cars I wonder!

Why cant the child ferrying be done by public transport or on foot! Not only the op but others here have said, why is a car needed! If you plan carefully you can use public transport within reason of course!

This thread is an excellent demonstration of why public transport needs to be improved/invested in.

ISNT - Oh, completely. DP and I live right in the middle of town in a piddly house with no real garden because public transport is so utterly shot. I used to be able to drive, but until I'm seizure free for a year the DVLA have my licence, so I can see both sides, and wherever I'm standing it looks like plain old shite public transport to me.

When I was working I had a 20minute drive to work, which became a 2 hour slog on two buses and a train either way. I had to reduce to a 4 hour day because of my health, so I spent as long travelling as I did working. Moving so as not to be 'in the stix' is no guarantee that the OP's husband won't be in the same position, especially when you factor in their other constraints such as schools etc.

Sadly, there's no way public transport will improve, and in fact I wouldn't be surprised if countryside services deteriorated in the next few years while we pull out of recession (bus companies are arses), so he really does need to at least learn, even if they don't go out and get another car. Tbh, the cost thing is a misnomer - the OP can sit with him in the car while he learns at first, and naming him on the insurance is far cheaper than lessons at at least £20 a pop. Then when he's closer to taking the test you book with an instructor to learn how to pass the test, because it's a very set driving style.

OP, get some L-plates and plonk him in front of the wheel! He might even enjoy it; I know I did.