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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

in thinking that just kissing someone else isn't so bad?

71 replies

foreverastudent · 22/03/2010 15:23

when you are in a relationship (but not married)

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 22/03/2010 15:25

Depends on the kiss.

If it's a French style two cheek smacker when meeting a new person then no it isn't bad.

If it's a long snog with hands up jumpers in a bus shelter at midnight then that is quite bad really.

LadyintheRadiator · 22/03/2010 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Morloth · 22/03/2010 15:33

Too many variables.

You mean a romantic/passionate snog or a peck on the cheek hello? You mean a long term relationship or a new GF/BF of a couple of weeks?

AMumInScotland · 22/03/2010 15:34

It depends on the relationship and, as Morris says, the kiss. Personally, if I was in a steady but non-married relationship I would expect my DP not to snog anyone, but pecks on the cheek are obviously ok if you have friends that do that. But other people might be fine with it.

If your partner/boyfriend has kissed someone else and you are not bothered, that's fine.

If you have kissed someone else and your boyfriend is bothered, then you need to discuss the boundaries of your relationship and reach an understanding of what's ok and what isn't.

LaurieFairyCake · 22/03/2010 15:35

Deepends how good a kisser you are

if my fantastic-kisser dh started tonguing someone it would be a sexual experience and he doesn't have sexual experiences with anyone apart from me.

BitOfFun · 22/03/2010 15:36

Would you be bothered if your DP kissed someone in the same way? That is a good yardstick, I think.

MorrisZapp · 22/03/2010 15:40

When my DP used to kiss me when I first met him there was a yardstick between us every time...

Happy days!

BritFish · 22/03/2010 15:41

depends on the person, the kiss, the situation.
my DH is fab, not sharing sorry!
its just generally...not okay though.
i mean, why would you feel the need to kiss anyone other than your DP if you're in a relationship?

MmeLindt · 22/03/2010 15:43

Going to agree with Morris (again) and lolol at the two kiss scenarios.

Did you kiss someone else? French Style or Bus Shelter?

JaneS · 22/03/2010 16:13

'but not married', you say? Does that mean I can kiss with impunity now but must forswear it forever once we've shaken the confetti out of our hair? Bit of an artificial distinction imo.

Would be a bit upset if it was my DP because it'd be so out of character.

JustMyTwoPenceWorth · 22/03/2010 16:15

Depends. If you agree it beforehand then fine. If you do it and lie to your partner about it, then not fine. If you do it but would not want them to do it, also not fine.

imo, anything you would lie about to try to avoid your partner finding it out is a bad thing.

ChickensHaveSinisterMotives · 22/03/2010 16:20

Depends on the boundaries of your relationship. I personally would be devastated.

AnyFucker · 22/03/2010 16:21

actually, LRD, for many people that "artificial distinction" of marriage is actually the time when you stop snogging other people

JaneS · 22/03/2010 16:22

Really, AnyFucker? So you'd think it was perfectly ok to kiss someone the day before, but not the day after?

Sassybeast · 22/03/2010 16:27

YABU and looking for an excuse to validate cheating. If my husband kissed another woman, he would be cheating in my eyes. Beginning and end of. If I kissed another man, I would be cheating. Saying kissing is ok is as pathetic as saying an 'emotional' affair is ok in terms of deceiving your partner.

AnyFucker · 22/03/2010 16:27

I meant from the point of view that there has to be a distinction somewhere

depending on the type of kiss (drunken snog...nothing more to it versus tongue down throat.. as a prelude to sex), if Dh had done that before marriage I wouldn't be that bothered

but I do see marriage as meaning you forswear all others (to use that old-fashioned term)

marriage should mean something, or else we might all just as well co-habit

Lulumaam · 22/03/2010 16:29

i think it squarely depends on the two people in the relationship

as a rule, sexual experiences with someone other than oyur significant other tend to be a Bad Thing

if you've done it and your partner is pissed off, then that is the crux of the matter

JaneS · 22/03/2010 16:31

Oh, I see. I thought from the way OP said it, she was implying that not being married was some kind of excuse. I wouldn't care to marry someone who thought they could afford to cheat because we weren't married yet! Surely if marriage is on the cards, you should be behaving in the same way as you'd hope to do afterwards?

winnybella · 22/03/2010 16:31

I don't see a difference between being married and not.

If you're in a comitted relationship, then kissing others is a no no, unless there's a mutual agreement that it's ok.

Bibithree · 22/03/2010 16:32

It really does depend on so many other things, like how both parties feel about it, whether it was a quick peck that lingered a little too long or a bus shelter encounter, whether it meant anything or was a complete and utter one off ... sooo many things.

I know a couple who've been together as long as me and dh (13 years) and one night the wife was out, drunk, and snogged a man she'd been madly in love with in school. Obviously felt ridiculous and silly and so guilty she woke her dh up as soon as she got in and confessed ... his reaction upon seeing her face was along the lines of "You always wanted to do it, now you have, but you woke me up for that?!" He then made terrible fun of her for weeks after, but they both found it funny rather than serious.

I think me and dh would probably react the same way to a complete, silly one off.

AnyFucker · 22/03/2010 16:35

lrd, I didn't see that Op mentioned that marriage was on the cards, either

in fact she/he has said very little, so this is all pure specualtion on our part

AnyFucker · 22/03/2010 16:35

*speculation, even

MorrisZapp · 22/03/2010 16:40

Blimey AF.

What on odd pov if I may say so. You think that there is a new boundary of faithfulness that comes with marriage, that doesn't apply to long term couples?

I have never heard this from anybody else in my life. From the day that a man is known as a boyfriend to me, and he sees me as his girlfriend, it's exclusive.

By the time we're moving in with each other, discussing the future etc it's absolutely cast iron - no snogging other people.

My DP and I have never even discussed this - we love each other, and we both expect 100% faithfulness and commitment from each other. If my DP was to snog somebody else and then say (after 11 years of living together) that it didn't count as we weren't married, well. You'd hear my reaction from the moon.

My relationship is 100% as strong, unbreakable, important, real etc as anybody else's whether there's a band of gold on my finger or not.

AnyFucker · 22/03/2010 16:45

right ok

perhaps I am explaining myself wrongly

I wasn't talking about long-term committed couples

I meant gf/bf before the committed stage

in the years before DH and I got serious (a bit on/off at the beginning), I feel sure there was a bit of snogging of other people going on

early days stuff, yes ?

before a commitment

I apologise to long-term relationers, I was obviously on a different tangent

and the OP has still not explained...so this is all academic innit ?

what is it OP?

first few months of relationship...or not

it makes a difference, to me certainly

MrsC2010 · 22/03/2010 16:47

If my husband kissed someone else, or did before we were married, I'd be heartbroken. It would certainly mean something to me, there can be so much emotion in a kiss. It would have to be pretty serious, (full on snogging, repeated on different occassions etc) to not be recoverable though.

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