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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is my dp being selfish here?

72 replies

namechangemummy · 21/03/2010 15:07

We have a 6mo dd and a 2yo ds. We had plans to get married this year, but dp called it off, moved out, called his mum to pick him up and take him home to her house, she came and waited up the street for him.He moved back in, said we can't afford to get married, and we need to save and wait until he says we are ready. I'm not to mention the wedding at all.

Last year we were going to go a holiday before i found out i was pg, and we said we would go this yea instead, after the baby came. He has decided we can't afford a family holiday now. The kids are too young and they won't remember a holiday so what is the point. I really wanted to go somewhere with our children, and i would remember.

So he moves back in says that one of our biggest problems is that i don't let him do as much as he wants. Fair enough, Since he has moved back in, he has been out a fair amount of times, a few weeks ago, he was out Friday, Saturday, Sunday, driking every day, and spent a fair amount of that money he said we don't have.
He has been saying i'm away to marks (random name) and goes into the city to stay at his friends, without me saying anything.

He was in Nottingham and Manchester (had to borrow money from a friend for the hotel in Manchester). We are from Scotland btw. He has told me he is going to London in May for a few nights, and is away a 'tour' with his band, (they don't get paid) for 4 dates in July. (Manchester, Nottingham and London also with his band, but they get no expenses)
He has just told me there the now that he might be going to France for a few days with his friends, for a festival. I brought up the family holiday and he started with the " You are never happy unless i am doing what you want are you??"

So i have tried here, but i think now it is going a bit far. I feel he is living like a single guy. We are young. He will be 25 this year, but it still seems a bit much really. I have to just shut up and let him do/go anywhere, spend as much money as we have and more, or i am branded a bad, controlling person. I need to know AIBU here?

OP posts:

Original poster

namechangemummy · 21/03/2010 15:09

Sorry if that was a bit of a rant.. he just dropped the France thing on me there.

OP posts:

waitingforbedtime · 21/03/2010 15:10

YADNBU he is taking the piss.

said · 21/03/2010 15:11

"I have to just shut up and let him do/go anywhere, spend as much money as we have and more, or i am branded a bad" No you don't. I know it's an mn cliche but...sack him.

BAFE · 21/03/2010 15:11

No YANBU - he is. He is also using you by taking advance of all the domestic conveniences and sex he receives from you, whilst continuing to live the life of a single man.

tartyhighheels · 21/03/2010 15:12

he is taking the piss massively - yadnbu

Original poster

namechangemummy · 21/03/2010 15:15

And, i forgot to mention this, but one night last week he said to me " I think tomorrow we should go into town and see about getting a joint bank account" I said no, as FOUR weeks before that he had left me and went to his parents, and he said that he doesn't see us improving unless we get a joint bank account as that is the only way we will be better off with money.

OP posts:

soapboxqueen · 21/03/2010 15:16

You ANBU. He sounds very immature and he is behaving like a single person. My dh would have had his head taken off his shoulders for behaving like this. He sounds like quite a controlling person in a passive agressive sort of way. He decides when you will get married, he decides about holidays but can go on them himself and he decides what money can be spent on and what it can't. Ask him what it is he actually wants from you. It doesn't matter how old he is. He has responsibilities and a family to care for.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 21/03/2010 15:17

i think youre in a shit relationship with a complete arse and this wont change, get out and find a guy who wants to be in a relationship with you because this guy doesnt! sorry, harsh but times precious, why waste it with a wanker.

Condensedmilkaddict · 21/03/2010 15:19

His mother is being unreasonable - picking him up like it was a playdate. He's a grown man with a family. She should have refused.

Your partner is being unreasonable.

YANBU. Take care of yourself and trust your gut instinct.

BAFE · 21/03/2010 15:19

just of out interest, what positive qualities does he bring to your relationship.

Fleegle · 21/03/2010 15:21

He is a selfish idiot.

However, you know that already and you let him move back in on his terms...

Why did you let him move back in?

TubbyDuffs · 21/03/2010 15:24

If it was you leaving him to look after 2 children and buggering off for days at a time, spending cash you don't have, how would he feel?

Try asking him and then bin the prat.

rubyslippers · 21/03/2010 15:26

who called the wedding off??

he has money and time to go off and get pissed with his mates but you can't go off on holiday as a family

why DON'T you say anything when he decides he is going off on another bender?

he brands you controlling because he won't take responsibility for his disgraceful behaviour

i would ask him to leave

he will never change - IMHO he is behaving like this so you instigate a split and he can leave again

you and your children deserve a lot more than this man child

Original poster

namechangemummy · 21/03/2010 15:38

I let him read the replies so far. He said his mum waited outside because he told her too. And that 'youse woman are pathetic'.

OP posts:

soapboxqueen · 21/03/2010 15:41

So he's used to bossing women around then and getting his own way. Bloody child!

twoistwiceasfun · 21/03/2010 15:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GeekOfTheWeek · 21/03/2010 15:45

The man is a prick.

Fuck him off.

Petsville · 21/03/2010 15:48

OP, I agree with everyone who's saying get rid - it doesn't sound as though there's anything in this relationship for you at all, and the "youse women are pathetic" line is unbelievably disrespectful. His Mum has let him get away with behaving like this, but you don't have to. You have two children - do you want them to grow up with the idea that this is how a partner and father behaves?

Oh, and definitely don't get a joint bank account - the last thing you need is him spending your money as well as his. I wouldn't bet against him walking out on you and cleaning out the bank account as he goes.

KimiGaveUpStarbucks4Lent · 21/03/2010 15:49

You need to get this worthless "man" out of your life and your children's lives, he had his cake and is eating it.

He is a bad and selfish person not you

Angelcat666 · 21/03/2010 15:51

YANBU

He is selfish, self-centred and immature...they're the nicest things I can think to say about him tbh.

If I were you, I'd pack his bags and tell him that if he wants to live as if he's single then he can be single and move out. You really would be better off as a single parent.

Pathetic twat ....him, not you.

Notalone · 21/03/2010 16:00

Please, please no matter what he says, get a joint bank account with this "man" ( word man used very loosely). The whole thing smacks of the childish gits we all met when we were aged about 16 who would say "If you love me you would sleep with me". A joint bank account would make his life better but not yours - he would probably bleed you dry and use your money to fund his lifestyle.

Does he work? What good qualities does he have? What sort of father is he?

TulipsInTheRain · 21/03/2010 16:01

I can't believe you let him move back in after what he did to you before

No way in hell would dp have crossed the door of my house again if he pulled something like that.

And now that he knows you'll put up with absolutely anything and still raise his children, feed him and shag him like a good little girl he can get on with behaving however he damn well pleases.

Get some self respect and get rid fgs.

MissWooWoo · 21/03/2010 16:06

oh dear.

YANBU at all

He has yet to grow up. It's all too much for him, he can't face his responsibilities - doesn't want to. Don't waste your time waiting for him to catch up. This is not how relationships work, particularly when kids are involved. Everyone is entitled to some "me" time but it's all take and no give here isn't it. Taking the piss and not giving you an ounce of respect.

He's not a nice one is he?

Jennysbean · 21/03/2010 16:07

yup, totally agree with other posters, he is a prize winning shit and not what you need, 25 going on 15 and a snivelling wee mama's boy....
I am sorry you are in this position with two small children but he is no role model for them and if he is happy to move out and away from you all at the drop of a hat then he doesn't appear to give a toss either way.
I hate men like this...can you tell?

PeachesandStrawberry · 21/03/2010 16:24

YANBU.

Get rid of him.

He is taking the piss big time and he needs to grow up.

If he wants to be a single man. Let him.

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