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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is my dp being selfish here?

72 replies

namechangemummy · 21/03/2010 15:07

We have a 6mo dd and a 2yo ds. We had plans to get married this year, but dp called it off, moved out, called his mum to pick him up and take him home to her house, she came and waited up the street for him.He moved back in, said we can't afford to get married, and we need to save and wait until he says we are ready. I'm not to mention the wedding at all.

Last year we were going to go a holiday before i found out i was pg, and we said we would go this yea instead, after the baby came. He has decided we can't afford a family holiday now. The kids are too young and they won't remember a holiday so what is the point. I really wanted to go somewhere with our children, and i would remember.

So he moves back in says that one of our biggest problems is that i don't let him do as much as he wants. Fair enough, Since he has moved back in, he has been out a fair amount of times, a few weeks ago, he was out Friday, Saturday, Sunday, driking every day, and spent a fair amount of that money he said we don't have.
He has been saying i'm away to marks (random name) and goes into the city to stay at his friends, without me saying anything.

He was in Nottingham and Manchester (had to borrow money from a friend for the hotel in Manchester). We are from Scotland btw. He has told me he is going to London in May for a few nights, and is away a 'tour' with his band, (they don't get paid) for 4 dates in July. (Manchester, Nottingham and London also with his band, but they get no expenses)
He has just told me there the now that he might be going to France for a few days with his friends, for a festival. I brought up the family holiday and he started with the " You are never happy unless i am doing what you want are you??"

So i have tried here, but i think now it is going a bit far. I feel he is living like a single guy. We are young. He will be 25 this year, but it still seems a bit much really. I have to just shut up and let him do/go anywhere, spend as much money as we have and more, or i am branded a bad, controlling person. I need to know AIBU here?

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/03/2010 18:03

TBH, the insistence on a joint account rather suggests that he has already decided to leave you .

FabIsGettingThere · 21/03/2010 18:03

If you are who I think you are I really think this relationship is over.

Veritythebrave · 21/03/2010 18:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mamas12 · 21/03/2010 18:09

And of course he will diss us on here. We back you up Namechange.
He can't/won't see he is being v. unreasonable and v. dodgy imv.

Hope you are having it out with him now.

WoTmania · 21/03/2010 18:15

YANBU Get rid ASAP.
What a selfish, juvenile little person.
Age is no excuse either.

sungirltan · 21/03/2010 18:18

oh god. sorry op - read the thread back along about him just dissapearing to his mums.

you're young! you will meet lots of men who are nicer than him who you can have an adult relationship with.

you will be alright x

Shaz10 · 21/03/2010 18:23

Agree with every single person here. He is a twat of the highest order. I got as far as "called his mum to pick him up" when I came to that conclusion, and unfortunately your tale just gets worse and worse. All his goods in a bin bag on the lawn and get those locks changed. AND DO NOT GET A JOINT ACCOUNT. HE WILL RUN UP DEBTS AND YOU WILL HAVE TO PAY (sorry, but just in case you're not sure!)

TheSteelFairy2 · 21/03/2010 18:26

Wow he sounds just like my Ex H Moscow Football Trip Thread.

Your thread reminds me so much of him and how I felt back then .

He never changed and yours probably won't either. I got rid of mine. for you.

OTTMummA · 21/03/2010 18:32

DO NOT GET A JOINT ACCOUNT!

let him fuck off to france or wherever

whilst he's gone change the locks or move

send his shit to his mothers ( who btw has done a great job! not! )

or leave it in the porch/walkway

contact CSA and get them on to his lazy arse so their is an offical amount he has to pay etc.

then sit back, soak it in that you now only have 2 children to look after and put a big smile on your face

PatsyStone · 21/03/2010 18:33

YANBU, you shouldn't put up with his selfish behaviour, I guess he thinks he can get away with it because lucky for him you are there to look after his children. When do you get to swan around leading a single life? Of course you don't because you have grown up and realise life and priorities change when children come along, unlike him.

I couldn't put up with this, it sounds as though you would be better off without him.

As for him only being 25, my dh was 20 when we had our first, and he has never behaved like that, if your relationship stands any chance, he needs to seriously grow up.

GeekOfTheWeek · 21/03/2010 18:33

Please please do not get a joint account with this waste of oxygen.

Seriously, he is a cunt.

Be strong and get rid. He is treating you like a twat. Don't let him.

PatsyStone · 21/03/2010 18:35

And don't get a joint account!

You need to start making your own decisions, instead of letting him call all the shots, you only get one life, please don't waste it.

moondog · 21/03/2010 19:19

Blimey, was that you Steel?
Remember it well?
You got rid eh?
Did that do it or did he continue to make ....unwise decisions before you had enough?
Hope life better for you these days.

TheSteelFairy2 · 21/03/2010 19:52

moondog Still not easy, he didn't leave without giving us a big finale to enjoy. Won't go into detail because it would probably make me recognisable.

There were quite a few more things before he finally went his merry way including pawning our tv for a night out while I was away one weekend, that was the final straw.

He is still very much on the scene, sees a lot of the dc etc but I just filed for divorce last week and am hoping that will draw a line under it

I regularly search my old threads for reminders of what a complete twunt he was .

dizzydixies · 21/03/2010 19:58

phone his mother and politely ask her to come and collect her immature/spolit son and keep him there till he grows up and can look after his partner and kids

at which point you will hopefully have realised that you are better off without this idiot and can manage very well on your own

tosser

moondog · 21/03/2010 20:05

Bloody hell.
Sounds like a hell of a rollercoaster ride.
At least he seems to be living up to responsibilities with the kids eh?

BitOfFun · 21/03/2010 20:24

He sounds like a tool of the worst kind, with a deeply unpleasant family from what I remember of your threads. I know it's hard if you haven't had much experience of really feeling loved and respected yourself in your life while growing up, but you clearly aren't going to find it with this man.

You sound like a strong together woman in so many of your posts- please use that strength to dump him and start to construct some kind of life with your kids which doesn't involve him pissing you about. And I know it's a cliche on Mumsnet, but if I were you I would look into organisations which offer counselling and get yourself some therapy and try to build your self-esteem up. You have spent far too long being bullied by the people around you, especially him, and you deserve so much better

ChippingIn · 21/03/2010 21:24

For the love of all things holy... tell him to GO. You have given him another chance that he did not deserve and he is treating you like this? He is acting like a single bloke - let him be one. Having 2 children to look after on your own will be a doddle compared to what you go through with him. I know you love him/once loved him, but he isn't going to get any better - he is going to keep treating you like shit, laying down his rules for you to abide by and coming and going as he pleases... is this what you really want from life?? You are young, you have 2 lovely kids - get out there and make the most of your life, get rid of this waste of space, he is adding nothing positive to your life at all.

Oh and in case that wasn't clear enough - you are not being unreasonable, he is being a selfish wanker.

CarGirl · 21/03/2010 21:29

Sounds like he has money problems and the joint account is his way of solving them by you subsiding his single lifestyle.

dittany · 21/03/2010 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 22/03/2010 05:24

Namechange, why did you start this thread? I mean, was it to show your partner that you're not unreasonable?

His view of the world and yours are too far apart for talking reasonably to work by now. The man wants everything and to give nothing.

What an utter, utter twat.

HanBanan · 22/03/2010 06:51

YANBU. It's called passive aggression. My ex would walk out on me and DD whenever things didn't go his way. He would rarely pay rent, came up with 1000+1 excuses as to why he couldn't afford this that and the other but still managed to drink his way through the week.

'It's just who I am' he would say.
He even stole my DD's savings (I was putting away 10 euro a week to save up for her future). I paid for the only holiday we had in 4 years and had to work full time + extra hours to cover rent etc etc
He would happily walk out and spend a couple of nights at his mums whenever I confronted him.

Needless to say on one of these occasions he decided he didn't want to come back, got himself a new girlfriend (poor her!) and now sees his DD once a week when she's at his mums (where he lives rent free).

Leopards do not change their spots. A good friend said to me 'if a man is a donkey he will stay a donkey, even if he wants to be a lion'. Well, that is soooo true so don't waste your time trying to understand him or change him. He doesn't give a shit and so you will only suffer in the long run.

If he has a sudden revelation and sorts himself out, great, but it sounds like he is just one of those blokes who wants a free ride and have his cake and eat it.

Sorry, I know how low this might make you feel but trust me once you are the master of your own ship again without him dragging you down things will be much better for you and the kids.

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