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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to want to wash DP's daughters laundry .

99 replies

MCDL · 20/03/2010 20:51

AIBU to have a problem doing DP's daughters laundry. She is 18 and in her last year of private boarding school. She lives with her mother at the weekends, the washing machine has been broken 1 month plus now. We have a 4 year old dd who DP's daughter continues to want to have nothing to do with. They have never met. Has she no shame to send her laundry out to me with her DAD ... ? Or has DP no shame to bring it to me. ? Very confused ....

OP posts:

Xenia · 21/03/2010 15:03

Did her father leave her mother and destroy her life for you though? If that's so of course she'll hate you and your off spring. If not has her father left her worse off financially? Does he give more time and attentino to his new family? Also she's a teenager - worst time of your life, raging hormones. She needs understanding from her father, nothing to do with you of course. Perhaps her mother can't afford a new washing machine because her father has taken on a second family and is lavishing his money on you and the new child whilst leaving the mother unable to afford to buy a new washer? All this may not be true but it often is when men put second families ahead of first ones.

Karmann · 21/03/2010 15:18

There's much more to this than washing.

Original poster

MCDL · 21/03/2010 16:10

So very true Karmann, Excuse the pun but it all coming out in the washing ! Guess maybe it was easier to just do it but felt DP and I were been treated like fools and felt had to say so .

OP posts:

spiderpig8 · 21/03/2010 17:32

Don't put your DP in a position where he has to side with you or his DD.Because she is always going to win.

Angelcat666 · 21/03/2010 17:53

If your dp/dh wants to do her washing then let him but tell him you expect him to do it and not leave it to you.

canihavemypocketmoney · 21/03/2010 17:56

havent read all the pages but isn't there a facility at the school for pupils' laundry ?

Morloth · 21/03/2010 17:57

DH doesn't offer to do favours for someone and then expect me to actually do it.

If he wants to help her out with this then no worries, none of your business - no need for you to be involved at all really.

Earthstar · 21/03/2010 18:33

If there is a facility for her to do her own washing at school - and there probably is - then that is what she should be doing while her mum's machine is broken.

If not then I don't think it is unreasonable of her dad to wash her clothes for her and I think getting her to use a launderette is unreasonable. I think it would be unreasonable of you to object however 4 weeks seems like far too long to get a new machine sorted out - and what is the mother doing with the rest of the washing all this time?

chefswife · 21/03/2010 18:49

The only problem here is the daughter. She is 18! 18! She can do her own damn laundry FFS! There is a phenomenon going on with the under 25's in that their parents have coddled them to the point that they are absolutely incapable of doing for themselves nor believe they should. Generation Me. Its postulated these same children will continue to be dependent on their parents far after University. You don't get this sorted now, she'll still be expecting her laundry done by you when she's 30!

chefswife · 21/03/2010 18:52

Earthstar Why would it be reasonable for her father to wash her knickers then sending her to a launderette? Is it because posh girl may be exposed to some unsavory types? Ridiculous. She can drag her sorry ass down to the laundry matt and spend an hour doing her laundry.

DebiNewberry · 21/03/2010 19:00

When I was doing my A-levels my parents did my washing. I went to Uni, went to the launderette and when I came home in the hols I did my own washing. I expect to do the same for my dc. I think it is clear that all of this ^ is about far more than a load of washing.

Earthstar · 21/03/2010 19:05

I don't think laundrettes get your clothes as clean because it is a shorter cycle. Also it is a pain lugging your stuff there and waiting for it.

I would do laundry for any friend or family member in this situation.

chefswife · 21/03/2010 19:15

Well, that's great for you. When I turned 10, I was told that my mother would no longer be doing my laundry. I was given $3 and told to haul it downstairs (we lived in a highrise) and do it myself. I've been doing it myself since then. (Even started paying for it myself at 15) I went to University, finished 3 degree's in 4 years, worked full time off of school and part time while in school and still managed to clean my own clothes. Its called life. I have offered my laundry machine to a friend to wash her clothes when her machine broke down, but I certainly wouldn't do it for her. This girl won't even take her laundry over to the house. She sends it.

pigletmania · 21/03/2010 19:23

She is more than capable of using a washing machine, she is an adult fgs. She is disrespecting you by not have anything to do with your ds but is happy for YOU to do her laundry, what a cheek! I would tell her that she is welcome to use your machine herself , and that you are not her mother and will not do her laundry. Sorry how long does your dp want to keep her as a child. At 15 my DHB was in the navey and looking after himself (this was about 35 years ago). Sorry but you have to be assertive here or she will walk all over you.

brassband · 21/03/2010 21:05

I wonder how launderettes survive.I don't know anyone IRL who doesn't have a washing machine.I mean who would pay £3 for a wash , when you can buy a new machine for less than £200, or a second hand one probably for nothing ?

SprocketAndTubbs · 21/03/2010 21:25

Could you do the washing graciously, but accidently put a red sock in with the whites?

DinahRod · 21/03/2010 21:25

Don't think you doing her washing is going to see a sudden rapprochement, but definitely down to dp to sort out though, not you. She is well aware her father feels guilty, hence the non-tumble-dry order - ha ha at the thought of my own father obeying that dictat. Does he feel so guilty that she/mother hopes to get a new washing machine out of it? Otoh, if she's about to do her A2s how much does a cheap machine cost? £200? £250 for a better named one.

You've avoided the question, but assuming he left her mother for you and he's been trying to make it up to her since? Or just guilt for not being there?

duchesse · 21/03/2010 21:29

Launderette. She can do it herself. Essential skill for when she goes to university next year. Particularly if she's going to be arsey.

Your DP should avoid mollycoddling her because he feels guilty about the split or grateful for any contact. That is not doing her any long-term favours.

Hullygully · 21/03/2010 21:41

Why can't she wash herself? Buy her a flannel and some soap, perhaps some nice lotion and encourage her to be independent. I'm surprised she's not embarrassed at her age to aske her dad to do it.

Eurostar · 21/03/2010 23:03

Wow you people are hard. What if her Mum is saying, you can't do your washing here, I can't afford a new machine because your Dad left us and spends all his money on his new family (not saying this is true, but saying this easily could be what she is being told), get it done at your Dad's, if he loved you he'd put it in his washing machine....?

i.e. is there no sympathy for a girl who might have spent her teenage years party to arguments about splits, new babies, money, while being shunted off to boarding school because it was easier to get her out of the way...?

pigletmania · 21/03/2010 23:10

That why i said that the op should lend her the use of her washing machine so that she can use it herself, she is 18 fgs not 8. Also is it right for her to take it out on the ops 4 year old son who is also an in all this.

Original poster

MCDL · 22/03/2010 12:47

Thank u guys for this. some mixed feelings indeed ... DP came home last night and thanked me for giving my opinion on this. He had not realised he was been made an ass out of and was just doing it as he does everything for an easy life and peace.. He talked to his dd about this, she understood and agreed it was un reasonable to expect washing to be done in our home when she will not as much as meet our dd ...

This result was best for both of them.

OP posts:

pearlym · 22/03/2010 12:59

YANBU - we went on holiday with my Fin Law last summer, really bad weather and found it hard to keep on top of washing partic as my younger one wet bed every night - came down to pile of our washing on floor near washer and found in amongst it , 3 pairs of F in L underpants and vests - i was incensed, he never asked me to do it, just assumed it would be done - i could hardly bear to touch it as i was so angry that he assumed i shuold do it.
tell her she is welcome to use yuor machine when she wants
do not do it for her if she pretends your child does not exist!!!!!!!!!!

LadyBiscuit · 22/03/2010 13:05

Good stuff MCDL - hope it's the start of a period of mutual respect between your DH and his DD

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