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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to want to wash DP's daughters laundry .

99 replies

MCDL · 20/03/2010 20:51

AIBU to have a problem doing DP's daughters laundry. She is 18 and in her last year of private boarding school. She lives with her mother at the weekends, the washing machine has been broken 1 month plus now. We have a 4 year old dd who DP's daughter continues to want to have nothing to do with. They have never met. Has she no shame to send her laundry out to me with her DAD ... ? Or has DP no shame to bring it to me. ? Very confused ....

OP posts:

spiderpig8 · 21/03/2010 10:03

I assume she is in the run up to her A2 s .I think as her father he needs to make arrangements for his daughter (who is a still a schoolgirl) to have her washing done , without the stress of her having to come to your's if she feels uncomfortable with that.
I don't know about a launderette, I am sure that there isn't one within 15 miles of where we live, I didn't know thet still existed TBH ?

Morloth · 21/03/2010 10:23

I wouldn't be doing my own 18yo daughter's laundry let alone someone elses.

She would however be welcome to come and do a couple of loads herself if her machine was broken.

ScreaminEagle · 21/03/2010 10:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

MCDL · 21/03/2010 10:27

Yes ScreaminEagle I agree, its taking the piss very seriously ... I have taken a very dim view of it all and quiet a serious stand on it ..

OP posts:

Iwantscallops · 21/03/2010 10:40

She is treating her dad like an ass because she is probably hurting due to him leaving home.

Get him to do it. If he won't do it, swallow your pride and do the washing. It's only temporary.

She probably feels that it would be nice that her dad 'physically' did something for her. She is only 18 after all.

Try and think how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot.

spiderpig8 · 21/03/2010 10:43

This is your DHs daughter.You need to be seen to be building bridges with her.She is always going to be a very major part of you DHs life.

Casmama · 21/03/2010 10:47

I suspect you may find that now your dp has had to do it and realised that she is making an ass of him, that hopefully it will not go on for much longer.
Working on their relationship and on a relationship between your young dd and your dsd should be a separate issue.

upahill · 21/03/2010 10:50

Flippin' Heck Op
I had a mortgage and my own washing machine at 18!!

I expect my DS1 (13) to sort most of his laundry out. No way would I be doing anyone elses unless it was an odd shirt or something that can go in with the rest of our house holdwash.

venusonarockbun · 21/03/2010 10:53

Sorry but I must be missing something. She lives with her mother at weekends right? So where does the mother get her own washing done? Can she not just take her daughters washing with her own? Why is this girl asking her dad at all? Surely it would be easier all round if the mother sorted this problem. If I was in the same situation as the mother I wouldnt dream of letting my daughter have to try and sort this out with a dad who she dosent live with at all. I would just sort it mysef - its no big deal!

Morloth · 21/03/2010 10:54

I just don't understand how an 18 year old expects anyone else to do her washing for her?

DS is 6 and knows he needs to put his dirty clothes in the hamper and that he will sometimes have the job of sorting the washing and tossing it in the machine. It isn't exactly rocket science.

Do people seriously think an 18 year old (even one with a busy life) can't manage this? Seriously?

I was at uni and working part time and did my own washing, so did DH.

LadyBiscuit · 21/03/2010 11:08

She's taking the piss and seeing what she can get away with and your DP is letting her. The insistence that her clothes are not tumble dried is proof of her princess qualities. If he wants to be a mug then that's his problem, not yours. I would not have dreamt of asking anyone to do my laundry at 18 - not even my mum.

Yes she's probably hurting that her parents broke up but if you have a four year old, then presumably it was at least five years ago (well I hope so) so I don't think he's doing her any favours by allowing her not to come to terms with it.

Original poster

MCDL · 21/03/2010 11:13

Yes my problem with it is that he is letting her get away with this due to guilt. It is not doing either of them any favours and certainly not allowing her to come to terms with anything. It is easy to manipulate when there is guilt. This is the part that upsets me ...

OP posts:

LadyBiscuit · 21/03/2010 11:21

What does he say when you point that out? Men never like it when you point out they're being manipulated IME. I presume it was some time ago that he and his wife split up. Maybe the 'it's not helping her to move on' argument would resonate more

Original poster

MCDL · 21/03/2010 11:29

He does not like. it causes huge problems for a day or so but he comes around after allowing some space ..

OP posts:

diddl · 21/03/2010 13:18

If there is no other machine handy,I don´t see why she shouldn´t ask her Dad tbh.

Morloth · 21/03/2010 13:22

Actually diddl is right there. Is she actually asking/expecting you to do it or is your DH?

Because if he says "Sure love, I will do the washing for you", then that is his problem not yours.

YANBU to not want to do another adult's washing. Doesn't matter what else is going on. She is an adult and can make her own arrangements.

yellowcircle · 21/03/2010 13:32

Just do the washing.

Stepfamilies are a minefield even when everything is totally harmonious. You are just fuelling the fire if you don't do the washing. If you stay with your DP, this girl is going to be your stepdaughter for the rest of your life! Are you going to have petty battles like this until you die??????

NonnoMum · 21/03/2010 13:50

YES YES YES, yellowcircle. Sometimes being an adult means just keeping schtum and getting on with things. Do the washing, do it well, do it with a smile and let the rest of the world worry over if you SHOULD be doing it or not.

This is not about washing. This is about a v confused and v angry teenager trying to see if anyone will reach out to her.

IF I am completely wrong, what have you lost? a spoonful of washing powder and 50p on your leccy bill.

Xenia · 21/03/2010 14:07

Most normal parents would do washing of 18 year olds doing important school exams. The thing that gets me here is not that but what a sexist man you've saddled yourself with. Why doesn't he do all your washing, yours, your child together, his and hers? Why shouldn't he do her washing? Most parents would. It's normal with teenagers.

diddl · 21/03/2010 14:13

I thought I´d get flamed, so I´m glad someone agreed!

I suppose it also depends on how much she is bringing & how easily it fits in with the "washing routine" iyswim.

But I think the problem lies with the animosity, not the fact that a child is asking her father to do something.

LadyBiscuit · 21/03/2010 14:25

'This is about a confused teenager seeing if anyone will reach out to her?' Bollocks. This is about an angry teenager treating her dad and his partner with utter contempt. And doing her laundry isn't going to change that. She might have a bit of respect for you if you tell her to take a hike but she sure isn't if you continue to bend over backwards despite her making no efforts whatsoever.

Relationships are a two way street - she needs to learn that if she wants stuff from her dad then she needs to contribute something too.

toomuchmum · 21/03/2010 14:38

I agree that she should be doing her own washing.

But how has this come about? Was it your partner who offered to wash her clothes? Maybe she is really pleased her dad is helping her and really appreciates it. Did the offer of clothes washing come from your partner or did she ask for the clothes to be washed?

Maybe yor partner feels a bit guilty about leaving so wants to help her with daily bits and pieces. Maybe he wants her to see your really kind and helpful to encourage her to become involved with the family. Its not necessarily straight forward. Lots of maybes I know, but worth thinking about.

She may be a brat but not necessarily so.

ScreaminEagle · 21/03/2010 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

MCDL · 21/03/2010 14:42

i have never spoken to her, she refuses to even to meet her half sister or talk about her. She never contacts DP from one end of week to the next. Only when looking for lifts, money, laundry .... I felt it wrong of her to send laundry to our home, I felt that she had no shame, I felt that DP had no shame taking it from her and seeing no wrong in asking me to do it ... It really has nothing to do with the laundry ... The whole thing stinks .. Cant beleive I was foolish enuf to have done it even the once ... Was actually delighted too, thought it was a turning point ..

OP posts:

Eurostar · 21/03/2010 14:50

Was it a nasty split? Has she been told by her mother over the years something along the lines that you are the reason that her father left and that she would be a traitor to speak to you?

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