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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that if you are off sick with severe exhaustion/morning sickness then you perhaps shouldn't go to a wedding?

78 replies

Ceebee74 · 19/03/2010 08:13

I am totally sympathetic to people being off sick when pregnant - I know how bad it is plus the person in question has 2 other DC under 4 so no wonder she was exhausted

However, I am not sure if it was appropriate to attend another colleagues wedding in the middle of her sick leave? When she returned to work, she told us it was that bad, she couldn't get out of bed for 3 weeks etc - yet she managed to get out of bed, get ready, attend a wedding (afternoon and evening) until at least 10pm and, by all accounts, look pretty good aswell.

Am I being a bitch to think badly of her??

OP posts:

Lulumaam · 19/03/2010 14:24

had she not said that she had been so ill she could not get out of bed for 3 weeks, i would have said YABU

however, if she was that ill, but could miracolously get out of bed for an all day event, i would feel a bit ticked off

having respect for your collegues and behaving appropriately will carry you far

it was probably better for her to miss the wedding rather than look like she was taking the p*ss or lacking in integrity

i can see both sides though

MorrisZapp · 19/03/2010 14:27

Thanks BG

yellowcircle · 19/03/2010 14:28

I thought the definition of Hyperemesis Gravidarum included the fact that this illness does actually make you incapable of carrying on with day to day stuff, ie it incapacitates you. This was certainly my experience. I thought that if you can carry on (albeit feeling like shit), it is not hyperemesis gravidarum, it is just bad morning sickness.

BadGardener · 19/03/2010 14:34

yes - but after having been incapacitated for a few months you can (if you're lucky) have recovered to a point where you can do some stuff, though if you push it too hard you relapse. You could redescribe it and say 'oh well that person no longer has HG, just severe NVP', or you could just talk about them as having HG for the whole period.

also how do you describe them if they are having effective treatment for HG and can therefore function? 'this person has HG but the drugs are keeping it under control' or 'this person doesn't have HG because the drugs have turned it into merely severe NVP'?

BadGardener · 19/03/2010 14:36

labels shouldn't matter so much but in practice they do because they have a big impact on the treatment you can access and how people treat you.

BadGardener · 19/03/2010 14:37

(of course, all this is moot because no-one has actually said the person in the OP had HG)

RockbirdisdrinkingGuinness · 19/03/2010 14:42

On the point of paid sick leave, my work recently changed policy and anyone employed less than a year gets no pay on self certified sick days. The level of sick leave is exactly the same. You can't judge everyone by the lowest common denominator and the op hasn't yet answered my comment about whether the person in question is usually a piss taker. For the record also I posted a similar sort of issue here about six months ago and was slated for judging my colleague's reasons for calling in sick. You can't have it all ways.

In addition, there seems to be an element of hypocrisy here. It apparently would have been ok for her to go to a wedding as long as you didn't know about it and it was behind your back. The fact that she was upfront about it has gone against her. Again, more double standards.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 19/03/2010 14:44

YANBU

Yes she may have been having a good day, but personally I would be very aware that if I went to a social event while I was supposed to be off sick, it would be frowned upon. I don't think it unreasonable to think it was a bit of a silly thing for her to do.

I think everyone who's going 'Oh you are being judgemental' is being a bit silly/naive - You are her work colleague, not her best mate, her husband or her mummy. Presumably you are helping to cover for her while she is away? So it is your business if she may not be that ill. I really don't get this attitude that everyone lives in their own little bubble, and whatever they do in it is fine. A lot of people really take the piss with sick leave, and it costs a fucking fortune.

swanandduck · 19/03/2010 14:50

It's not about hypocrisy. I was saying that, because a lot of her colleagues wouldn't know the nature of her illness, they would assume she was taking the piss if she showed up looking fine and dandy at a work do and would resent the fact that they are covering for her. Therefore, it wasn't the most sensible thing to do.
Going to a family event or a neighbour's wedding, where no one present is being inconvenienced by you being off work sick, is a different matter.

RockbirdisdrinkingGuinness · 19/03/2010 14:52

So why then when I posted similar was I told that someone else's sick leave was none of my business? Despite the fact that I was the one doing three people's jobs at the time and one of them was hers? I was told I had no right to comment on it and should just suck it up. I took the criticism and did suck it up but now it seems it's ok to stick your beak in when it's none of your business.

swanandduck · 19/03/2010 14:54

What are you on about??? When did I tell you that you had no right to comment?

RockbirdisdrinkingGuinness · 19/03/2010 14:56

X post. Not really different. You're either well enough or not. If I was going to be pissed off it would make no difference where she went. In fact I'd be more annoyed if she had gone off to a different wedding. That would look more underhand and sneaky if I was finding fault.

But I wouldn't be annoyed any more. Live your life, let others worry about theirs.

RockbirdisdrinkingGuinness · 19/03/2010 14:58

No, not you! . I had a similar issue a while back and people on that thread told me to butt out. Sorry, am confusing myself now

swanandduck · 19/03/2010 15:00

What a lot of us are discussing, though, is the principle of being certified as too ill to go to work and then attending a work social occasion looking well and enjoying yourself and staying until well into the night. It just doesn't come across well and does not appear to be a sensible thing to do.

swanandduck · 19/03/2010 15:01

Sorry Rockbird, that was re your previous post.

Original poster

Ceebee74 · 19/03/2010 15:13

Rockbird afaik she isn't a piss-taker but I have only worked with her for a few months.

Just another theory I have is that she is actually quite a senior person in the company which does reinforce my theory that the higher up you are, the more you can get away with (or that is certainly how it seems where I work).

OP posts:

spiderpig8 · 19/03/2010 16:14

On the point of paid sick leave, my work recently changed policy and anyone employed less than a year gets no pay on self certified sick days

They would have to have SSP after 3 days

RockbirdisdrinkingGuinness · 19/03/2010 16:50

Oh I don't know, I give up no it probably wasn't the wisest of moves. I guess you have to go with your instincts. You know her better than us. What do other colleagues think?

stripeyknickersspottysocks · 19/03/2010 17:34

Tiredness can make hyperemesis worse as well. So going back to work could make her worse in the way attending a one off wedding wouldn't.

One reason I was off for so long was because my desk was some distance from the loo. Even if they'd given me the nearest desk I would still have been too far away as loo down a long corridor. For some reason hyperemesis would make me suddenly sick in a way no other sickness would. So I could be feeling ok, then 30 seconds later being violently ill. I lived in a terraced house at the time and 90% of the time never made it upstairs to the loo. I used to trhow up in the back yard.

I do agree though that I probably wouldn't have gone to a wedding for worrying about what collegues may think.

Triggles · 19/03/2010 17:53

I think one of the most important points is that the OP is her work colleague... NOT her work supervisor. I'd have to say one of the petty things that drove me up the wall when I was working was the co-workers speculating whenever someone was off sick (regardless of who it was) and discussing whether or not so-and-so was actually ill. Don't people have better things to do at work... like maybe their own job?? It is between the colleague and the supervisor. Maybe you are not privy to the entire situation. Maybe you are not entitled to be privy to the entire situation, being that this type of thing should be confidential. Maybe she struggled through the day, so that she could stay in touch with her colleagues in some small way, so she doesn't feel so cut off from work. Maybe she already spoke to the supervisor and discussed it with them ahead of time, so as not to give the wrong impression. Maybe the person who passed on this juicy bit of gossip doesn't like this colleague and was being a bit biased or even malicious.

I noted that in your OP, you said "by all accounts".. so implying that you are judging her based on office gossip.. you didn't even see her first hand?? Now who is being unprofessional?

swanandduck · 19/03/2010 18:03

Don't people have better things to do at work... like maybe their own job??

Oh, for goodness sake Triggles, of course people in a work situation are going to chat, gossip, and discuss other colleagues amongst themselves. Get real.

And no one said her medical information shouldn't be confidential. Just that it's a bit tactless, and asking to be talked about, if you turn up at a work wedding when you're off sick.

Triggles · 19/03/2010 18:09

Nope. Sorry, I don't agree. Discussing whether or not someone who is off sick for a lengthy time is petty and unprofessional, IMO. How can you have a good rapport with colleagues when everyone is sniping about everyone else? Ridiculous.

And again, if she is legitimately signed off, it is between her and her supervisor, not something to be debated by all and sundry. The same type of petty reaction would probably have occurred if someone spotted her on the High Street during the day, as they would probably have assumed she was out having a grand old time shopping, instead of being home being miserable. Is she supposed to hide at home and not go in to the High Street or the supermarket, in case she might run into someone from work? It's the type of thing that just drives me mad. People are far too nosy for their own good sometimes.

swanandduck · 19/03/2010 18:19

There's a difference between someone being out shopping and someone being all dressed up and at a wedding. As I said in a previous post, it's the optics of the situation. It just looks bad and I would be very aware of this in her position, and just not go to the wedding. I would not want colleagues to think I was dossing off while they were doing my work, regardless of whether my supervisor was fully au fait with the situation.

I did not say colleagues should spend their time 'sniping' about everyone else, just that it is unrealistic to think that a group of people working together will never discuss each other or gossip about things. That is life, I'm afraid. It happens in work, on the road, amongst the mums at the school gate, everywhere.

spiderpig8 · 19/03/2010 20:56

'And again, if she is legitimately signed off, it is between her and her supervisor, not something to be debated by all and sundry'

actually unless the supervisor is medically qualified and has access to the employee's medical records, then I think they should leave it to the professionals to decide whether she is fit for work.

MouthAndTrousers · 19/03/2010 21:42

As somone who is off sick with hyperemesis atm I would like to tell you to mind your own buisness!

If somone tried to tell me that on the rare occasion that I do feel well enough to go out, that I shouldnt I would tell them where to shove it!!

I feel crap enough without that shite

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