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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that if you are off sick with severe exhaustion/morning sickness then you perhaps shouldn't go to a wedding?

78 replies

Ceebee74 · 19/03/2010 08:13

I am totally sympathetic to people being off sick when pregnant - I know how bad it is plus the person in question has 2 other DC under 4 so no wonder she was exhausted

However, I am not sure if it was appropriate to attend another colleagues wedding in the middle of her sick leave? When she returned to work, she told us it was that bad, she couldn't get out of bed for 3 weeks etc - yet she managed to get out of bed, get ready, attend a wedding (afternoon and evening) until at least 10pm and, by all accounts, look pretty good aswell.

Am I being a bitch to think badly of her??

OP posts:
BadGardener · 19/03/2010 11:39

The first time I had HG I kept trying to go to work on good days and actually caused more trouble that way than if I had just stayed off, because colleagues didn't know where they were with me.

It is really, really hard knowing what to do when you are sick for an extended period. The thing is, you have responsibilities to your family as well as to work. You staying at home all the time may well mean your partner (who is having a pretty shit time being your carer as it is) and your kids doing without a holiday or days out. Therefore sometimes you do drag yourself out to things even when ideally you would be at home. When I had HG last summer there was constant negotiation involved - dh and kids would really really like to go to the seaside, it's lovely weather, can I cope with being in the car for an hour?

And Pav makes a good point about camping. I have happy (?) memories of sticking my head out of the tent and throwing up into the long grass.... but at least dh and kids got their holiday.

bibbitybobbityhat · 19/03/2010 11:42

OP says the woman in question did not have HG.

BadGardener · 19/03/2010 11:43

Actually Ceebee HG is not always '100x worse' than morning sickness - the line between severe morning sickness and HG is very blurred and HG is often not diagnosed when it should be simply because GPs are not always well-informed about it.

swanandduck · 19/03/2010 11:47

To be honest, if you're off work on certified sick leave, it's a bit tactless to show up at a work social event and to stay for hours. People who have been covering for you during your absence will comment and wonder. I was off work last summer for 5 weeks following surgery. I was able to be out and about but got tired easily and needed some recovery time. At one stage I needed to go to a certain shop located a few doors down from my work building. I made sure to go on a Saturday as I was aware some people, if they saw me, would say 'she looked fine. I wonder why she's off'. I know that technically it's none of their business, but it's about the optics really, it just looks bad.

foxinsocks · 19/03/2010 11:48

I would think it was a bad decision on her part tbh. If I was her boss, I would be having words .

Having said that, maybe what she told everyone in the office was that it was exhaustion and morning sickness, but it might have been a mental health issue relating to work and her pregnancy that she didn't want spread around (or even the commute exacerbating how she was feeling and something more innocuous).

If her boss was there and not bothered, I would assume there might be details you're not aware of .

RockbirdisdrinkingGuinness · 19/03/2010 11:58

"Personally, I don't think I would be able to turn upto an all-day social event where I knew my boss/other colleagues would be there in those circumstances - but that is just me."

But you're not talking about you. And you are judging, you asked if you were being a bitch. That's pretty strong so actually you must be judging quite a lot; you felt the need to list her activities for that day. She's an adult, if she has no other record of not being trustworthy then you have no right to comment. If she's always blagging time off for something then maybe you have a point, but you haven't given that impression.

BadGardener · 19/03/2010 12:04

Another point that needs to be made is that people with HG/severe NVP are at high risk of depression. Getting out of the house may be a very good idea even if there is a price to pay in terms of feeling physically even more shit afterwards.

TrillianAstra · 19/03/2010 12:08

I would assume that she had good days and (more often) bad days and that one of the good days luckily coincided with the wedding.

Silly of her to describe it as 'couldn't get out of bed for 3 weeks' though.

As stripey says (post 4 or 5) if you are signed off sick you can't just pop into work if you are feeling better one day, you have to be signed back on and then signed off again, and occassionaly one-days-worh of work in many jobs wouldn't actually help the proplw ho were there.

FloSnake · 19/03/2010 12:15

Depends what her job involves. If it is physically demanding or involves handling food then she may not be capable of working but be capable of attending a social event where she is sitting most of the time then that is different. If she was in a sedentary office job then I'd be a bit suspicious too. But it's really up to the boss to take it up with her if there is a problem - you don't know the whole story.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 19/03/2010 12:17

YANBU. I would have been very judgey

spiderpig8 · 19/03/2010 12:22

Hyperemesis IS severe morning sickness.That's what it means in Latin.
As a 4 times sufferer from HG - I found for a special occasion I could sometimes manage to stave off the sickness for a day, but then would 'pay' for it for several days afterwards.
There is a huge difference between coping with a one off social event, and performing at work day after day.

TrillianAstra · 19/03/2010 12:26

Sedentary office jobs (can) demand a huge amount of concentration and focussed attention that a wedding does not.

I haven't had morning sickness etc but I can certainly envisage situations where I would be capable of standing up/sitting down/raising a glass at the right time but not capable of making considered decisions about important matters.

swanandduck · 19/03/2010 12:28

The point is, though, that not everyone will know the details of your illness and, to a lot of people, it will look like you're not really that sick because you're able to be out and about and enjoying a wedding. If it's a family wedding or one of your non work friends weddings that's fine. But if it's a colleague's wedding it will attract some negative comments from people who have been covering from your absence. Sometimes, if you're out sick, it's just better not to attend work social events as it can raise eyebrows.

swanandduck · 19/03/2010 12:29

Covering for your absence.

porcamiseria · 19/03/2010 13:03

yanbu

it annoys me too, as other people have to work and carry the slack. and I agree, if you are too sick to work (for which you are being PAID) you should be too sick to gallivant

I always wondere how much sick leave people would take if they were not paid....

I am clearly a lone voice here!!!!!

PuppyMonkey · 19/03/2010 13:13

I would be a bit about this too, especially if I was a colleague who had been snowed under with work because of her absence.

I wouldn't have had the nerve to show up like that if it was me off on long term sick leave. And you can bet if you have had a few "unkind" thoughts about it, many of your fellow colleagues will have too. Her boss too maybe. I think she's made a bit of a boo boo really.

BadGardener · 19/03/2010 13:34

So.... if you think someone on sick leave shouldn't do this, should she also not go on Mumsnet? After all, by that logic, surely if she is capable of Mumsnetting she could be working from home on a computer.

mrsspock · 19/03/2010 13:36

porcamiseria, no not a lone voice. used to drive me nuts when former colleagues were signed off sick for weeks and then posted photos of themselves letting their hair down at various parties. also agree that there's a difference between the wedding of family member/close friend and a work colleague..
to be honest despite being (in theory) a woolly guardian reader i think people do take the piss.

swanandduck · 19/03/2010 13:39

BadGardener
What some of us are saying is that she's creating a certain 'impression' by going to a work wedding and enjoying herself when she's on certified sick leave. I really do think that anyone with sense would not attend, even if they were feeling alright on that particular day, because it will give the impression to people at work that she is not really sick. In the same way that if you're at home with a bad cold you might nip down to your local supermarket to pick up a few things, but you wouldn't pop into the office to collect something you forgot to bring home with you the previous evening. It would just look a bit cheeky and suspicious.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 19/03/2010 13:40

I don't being MNing is the same as being at a party. Firstly, it's anonomous so no rubbing people's noses in it. And you can choose what threads you use so you can have a nice stress free post or two. Which you can't do at work.

And not everyone can work from home. No infastructure/it would be too far to divert the customers to go.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 19/03/2010 13:41

I don't think. (Clearly I don't!)

SPBInDisguise · 19/03/2010 13:42

agree with swanandduck
it was poor judgement imo

lorelilee · 19/03/2010 14:12

YADNBU - it's taking the piss. End of. Regardless of the ups and downs of any illness, it still shows complete disregard and total disrespect for her colleagues who, no doubt, had been covering her work.

MorrisZapp · 19/03/2010 14:18

YANBU, it just looks bad even if it was all very explainable.

Can I just ask why hyperemesis is called HG? Where does the G come from?

BadGardener · 19/03/2010 14:19

it's hyperemesis gravidarum - excessive sickness in pregnant women.