to find it invasive when strangers interrogate me as to why I don't have kids?

[WkdSM]

Bit of a rant - but I am getting a bit fed up of this!

At social function / dinner / lunch and am asked 'Do you have kids'

No, we have 2 boys from my DH's 1st marriage - 16 and 19

So - why don't you have kids?

Because we couldn't

Why didn't you go through / pay for IVF / adopt / rescue a child from a burning building / recsue a child from China / visit Lourdes and pray / put your whole life on hold until you had them / kill yourself as obviously your life is incomplete / worthless without the / accept you are not really a proper woman / atone for sins from previous life for which being barren is obviously your punishment

Really - it is hard enough to accept not being able to have them without having a long discussion about it and people telling me what I should have done.

AIBU to say 'It's a private matter and I don't want to discuss it'

YANBU

People can be insensitive. It is enough to ask if you have children. To then be told that you can't and still ask yet more questions is just bloody rude.

Someone asked me last week, why did I only have 1 DC, didn't I feel like I should have another, blah, blah, blah. Of course they didn't realise I have just had a miscarriage

You should definitely just say it's a private matter.

Of course not, it's none of their business. People amaze me sometimes.

Maybe they just don't know what to say and are groping for a remark and ending up with something inappropriate? Or they are twats...

Sadly people always love commenting on other people's lives. I think it's because they don't have a lot going on.....

It never fails to amaze me how deeply intrusive people CAN be. And quite openly. Before we got pregnant, I well recall one woman at a formal dinner party asking me very similar things. She was quite tipsy, granted, but she got fixated on the topic and was saying over and over again 'But don't you WANT a baby? Oh, it would eb so lovely if you had a baby. Why don;t you want one?' and she just would not let it go. The truth was that we had decided that the following year we would ttc, but that was none of her business. She just went on and on. The entire table was silent with embarrassment, and I was trying to be polite to her. Finally I think I said that if she gave me her e-mail address I would let her know as soon as we got pregnant. (I was being sarcastic, but she didn;t get it). I was totally at sea.

Anyway - i think it is fair enough to say 'That is porivate, sorry' and if they get huffy they can get stuffed.

Gah, this is one that really, really annoys me too. Ever since I got married four years ago I've had colleagues telling me that I should really "be getting on with it", every time someone at work has a baby, I get the "So who's next? Ah, it must be your turn". Followed by either comments that children give the real meaning to life or smug remarks about how when I've had a child I won't be able to do all of the things that dh and I do together (yes, making it sound really tempting).

Actually, we had been hoping to conceive since we got married, but I don't really want to share this information with people I work with, it is so absolutely not their business. Now that we are expecting (fingers crossed that all goes well) I am hoping to keep the information private for as long as possible before the next round of "helpful" comments start.

YANBU and I can't understand why people can't be a little more sensitive.

Had this for years (only had DS v recently as older mother). Quite quite wrong.

I ended up not saying anything. Really. Just leaving a period (too long to be comfortable) of ABSOLUTE silence, then either saying something like "Well, there we are" (i.e. Oh how embarrassingly ill-mannered you are) or completely changing the subject.

Not many people have the guts or insensitivity to keep asking after that. I agree with not giving out any information-why should you?

I also never ask if people are having any more, or wish they had the other gender, or any of the other cringingly stupid things people pry into, and which I am now getting as DS gets bigger.

Feeling your pain...

YANBU.

I think it would be appropriate to respond with something along the lines of "you've only just met me and to be honest I find your questions a bit personal..."

If people are insensitive enough to ask these things you probably have to be quite blunt when you answer them or they won't get the message.

YANBU it's damn rude and I just love the way most people deny they would ever do it!

I was once at a social event and someone was badgering another guest about why he and his wife don't have children it was so embarassing and he eventually said 'my wife had cancer in her 20's'. A few months later I met up with the person who had been doing the badgering and she said 'I can't believe X asked Y about why Y and his wife didn't have children' X- being a completely innocent 3rd party - I should have said what I was thinking 'It wasn't X you cow it was you! You're the ill mannered one and now you're blaming an innocent person'

Someone told me, when I only had the one, that she thought I was 'really selfish'.

I'm ashamed to say that I retorted with "Ahh, but at least i get to actually spend some proper time with him - he doesn't have to fight with 3 other desperate kids to see his mummy" (she had 4)

YANBU it's rude, insensitive and deeply annoying.

I also get the "what's taken you so long"? when they find out about the 5 year gap between dd and this pg. Sometimes I come over all honest and tell them about the PND and PTSD and suicidal thoughts, the ADs and the counselling and the CBT, the two mcs when we did finally get it together to ttc, and they usually have the good grace to look sheepish. Sometimes if I'm feeling fragile I just get speechless and leave a big, awkward silence, at which point they also usually twig that they have been complete tw*ts.

Really gets my goat

YANBU- it is no-one else's business at all and i am surprised that anyone would dream of asking why you do not have kids or why anyone has a certain number of kids or spacing - just found out an acquanitacne is preg for 2nd time - 6 yr age gap, cos of 2 devastating late miscarriages, that explains the gap!
I have a friend who hates being asked how old hse is - prob about 50 now but incredubly good looking - if anyone is impertinent enough to ask how old she is, she just asks "why do want to know?" She did this to me early on in our friendship and it made me feel small and question why I had asked it.

Try the question "why do you want to know?" and i bet people stop asking

Good on you coldtits. I reckon that person had it coming.... and how is what you said any ruder than what she said?

We are having a DS, and I have already got the 'are you disappointed it's not a girl' query. NO. I am ecstatic that we are having a baby.

YANBU- it is no-one else's business at all and i am surprised that anyone would dream of asking why you do not have kids or why anyone has a certain number of kids or spacing - just found out an acquanitacne is preg for 2nd time - 6 yr age gap, cos of 2 devastating late miscarriages, that explains the gap!
I have a friend who hates being asked how old hse is - prob about 50 now but incredubly good looking - if anyone is impertinent enough to ask how old she is, she just asks "why do want to know?" She did this to me early on in our friendship and it made me feel small and question why I had asked it.

Try the question "why do you want to know?" and i bet people stop asking

YANBU. Why does it matter to them anyway

YANBU, though I've never had this myself. I tend to feel awkward the other way though, because I had my DS at 20. Cue people remarking about the 'career' they had first, and how they were 'financially secure' before settling down.

People will be rude and insensitive about anything which is different to them. I just hope to myself that they really are that oblivious about what they're saying, and not complete arseholes who enjoy hurting people's feelings.

I used to say 'I'm barren actually, but thanks for asking'. That used to shut them up and send them packing! Its just so rude of them to ask.

Now that I'm in the v v lucky position of being pg with my 2nd with a small age gap I have people on the tills in Asda telling me 'I should have been more careful, you'll have your hands full' so it just goes to show you can't win really!

There was a time when I would mumble something polite and try to excuse myself but now I realise these people have no manners or empathy so now I'm just rude back!

People are so insensitive. We know a lovely couple..... wife in her late 30s, husband in his 50s. They have been married ten + years and have been trying and trying. Finally conceived, (not sure details- if IVF or not)and when the husband told a bunch of us at a oarty (he was brimming over with joy) the first thing one of the friends said was to comment to his face how selfish it was, because he would be 70 when the child went to school. WTF? You should have seen his face. Totally crushed.

People are bloody rude aren't they?

Poor you.

At our wedding, DH and I having been married for all of, oooh, 45 minutes and my Auntie collars him and says "so how many children are you going to have?"

YANBU. I cannot believe how much some people pry. Its the same people who ask you loudly if you are pg - when you are but don't want to tell anyone yet. Why can't people just shut up and wait for you to tell them if you want to.

I have a few acquantances who are married and in their late 30s and have no kids. I have never asked them why they haven't got kids. I presume they will let me know if they want it to be public knowledge.

I would just reply 'I think that is a very personal question which I'd rather not answer thank you very much!'.

Thanks for the support Ladies - we moved a few months ago and so new people we meet tend to ask - it was easier where we used to live as most of my friends knew and so it did not come up as often.

One of my all time favorites was when I told a group of girls I ran with that I was getting a dog - one of them sneered and said 'Well that will be your substitute child then'- so I said 'Yes, and your problem is?'

Sad thing is - the dog is my substitute child!

I once pryed too deeply into why a mum at nursery didnt want any more kids. Another mum asked had me if I thought x was pg. Of course me and my big feet then went on at her (in a nice way) why she didnt want anymore. I wouldnt take "well we just dont want another" as enough reason

Turned out they'd had an awful time ttc, and ended up going the IVF route several times. ANd another baby just wasnt going to happen. I really upset her.

I honestly didnt mean to. But I learned my lesson big time.

Wont do that again..Felt terrible and still do..

YADNBU - when I was repeatedly asked that question, I would try to politely move the conversation on, without showing how downright rude the questioner was being. If they didn't get my hint and carried on asking, my reply was (to that and 'why aren't you married') 'Because if I had to wake up and deal with a screaming child / next to a husband like yours every day, I think I would rather rip my own arm off and beat myself with it. I don't know how you do it'. Had to be said with a smile and as if you were being tongue in cheek - they would be slightly confused as they would see the 'how DO you cope' aspect as a kind of compliment! They usually got the message. I didn't care how rude it might seem as they had just been as rude to me.

People should certainly take the hint when you are trying to get them to STFU!

I think the other side is that there is a lot more openness in general about personal topics and some people really think that nothing is off limits.

yanbu. I never ask childless couples when they're having one and never ask couples with one when they're having another. there might be all sorts of personal reasons and it's really none of my business. Also when I'm out i try to talk about non kid things as I really don't want to be a kid bore.

i think the "when's the next one?", kicks in about 18 months after your first. this is what happens after I had dd, when i did get pg it was "oh so you'll be hoping for a boy this time" and "won't it be lovely if you have a boy to complete the set". ER no actually I don't mind, I'm hoping for a healthy baby . MiL just couldn't accept that we'd be happy with another girl. As it is I had a ds. Now it's "aren't you lucky a boy and a girl" "bet you're relieved so you don't have to try again" WTF!!!!!

I just say I'm glad I had this lovely healthy gorgeous baby. People should know when to keep it shut.