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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to find it invasive when strangers interrogate me as to why I don't have kids?

68 replies

WkdSM · 18/03/2010 13:01

Bit of a rant - but I am getting a bit fed up of this!

At social function / dinner / lunch and am asked 'Do you have kids'

No, we have 2 boys from my DH's 1st marriage - 16 and 19

So - why don't you have kids?

Because we couldn't

Why didn't you go through / pay for IVF / adopt / rescue a child from a burning building / recsue a child from China / visit Lourdes and pray / put your whole life on hold until you had them / kill yourself as obviously your life is incomplete / worthless without the / accept you are not really a proper woman / atone for sins from previous life for which being barren is obviously your punishment

Really - it is hard enough to accept not being able to have them without having a long discussion about it and people telling me what I should have done.

AIBU to say 'It's a private matter and I don't want to discuss it'

OP posts:

verytellytubby · 18/03/2010 17:32

Never fails to amaze me how rude people can be. When my twins were newborns I had a man in Tesco's ask if they were natural? Felt like answering natural opposed to cloned? Twat.

I never ask childless couples about children as it's nothing to do with me.

googietheegg · 18/03/2010 17:58

I always get asked this at family events and I must admit it's made me not want to go home for a while - all my family live nearby and I live abroad, so I just don't go when there's a party on (which is often).

Last time, various relatives (who all had children early) asked me when we were going to have a baby and it just ended up upsetting me. It makes me want to say 'and when are you going to lose that weight?' or 'when are you actually going to get a decent job?' or some other hurtful comment.

FalafelAtYourFeet · 18/03/2010 18:05

YANBU. I had to endure questioning by a Tesco checkout assistant while buying a pregnancy test about whether I was hoping it was positive or not. I was then .

I said 'I don't think it is any of your business'.

MPuppykin · 18/03/2010 18:20

Yikes Falafel

MPuppykin · 18/03/2010 18:24

Just to add.. to Falafel to clarify. Yikes as the Tesco person was so out of line. (Not Yikes to your reply, which was fair enough).

When I bought my p-test, the lady behind the counter smiled at me and said 'good luck'. Which i thought was rather sweet- not least because she could have been wishing me luck no matter WHAT I hoped!

confuseddoiordonti · 18/03/2010 18:30

Bloody rude in my opinion. I have no DC's (yet) and have had a friend's mother calling me a 'baby hater' due to it. (I had to leave said friends house before I said something I'd regret...) I cannot bear the assumption that you should have had children if you are of a certain age and / or married and it makes me want to do anything but! After all, it's not like the human race is likely to die out without my input is it?
You have my every sympathy everyone who has been asked such things!

Mishy1234 · 18/03/2010 18:34

It took us 8 years to conceive DS and we had a lot of comments in that time. Didn't help that DH made reference to his Grandfather (who married us) performing a Christening on any future grandchildren in his wedding speech. Most of the guests thought I was already pregnant!

The worst was on the day of his Grandfather's funeral when his Grandmother said to a room full of mourners that she didn't have any Grandchildren because I couldn't afford to have children and pay the mortgage at the same time. Granted she was grieving and didn't know what she was saying, but it did hurt a lot.

FalafelAtYourFeet · 18/03/2010 18:52

(I was also trying to be discreet at was trying to conceal test from DD, 7)

bran · 18/03/2010 19:07

YANBU. We were married for 14 years before we adopted DS and had quite a lot of comments. Allowing an awkward silence as a response to a direct question is the way to go IMO. Unless somebody asks if you're sure you're doing it right, in which case the only response is "I don't know, would you and your DW/DH/DP care to demonstrate the correct way?".

Comments that people make about you (rather than to you) are trickier. I had some sucess with turning to someone near me and saying in a fake whisper (that everyone can hear) "My goodness, she has some issues, doesn't she?" On the whole though, pretending you haven't heard is probably more effective.

MrsGokWantsatidyhouse · 18/03/2010 19:20

It took me over 5 years to get pregnant after we first married. We had a lot of problems with MC 3/4/5 times a year, I was 37 when I had DC1. I had to put up with somany comments about it, especially as I got older, in the end I would dissolve into tears and cry and tell them I having problems and had just MC again and so on and so forth they would disapear quite quickly.

I now have 3 boys and I won't go into the rudeness I came up against with that. It would be an essay.

ifancyashandy · 19/03/2010 22:36

BTW - noone ever asks couples with a brattish kid why they've had a second, do they ?

Maggie00 · 19/03/2010 22:45

that must be annoying alright. do they want to you to weep and say 'i want what yooooo have'.

not the same but i used to get a lot of 'why aren't you married?' the only answer is (with a straight face) because i'm not as lucky as yoooooooooooo

Lucy88 · 19/03/2010 23:02

When my DS was 2, I was asked by a very out-spoken friend of my husbands when I was going to have another one. She told me very bluntly that I should have another one quickly so that DS was not an only child and it would be unfair on him for him not to have a brother or sister. I very politely said that we couldn't afford another one yet. Her response was - 'of course you can afford it, you are both working' I was fuming and responded very rudely 'If I was a benefit scrounger like yourself, then we could afford to have loads more, as the state would pay for them' Suffice to say, she has not asked me since.

My sister has a hard time when anyone asks her about having children. Her and hubby have been married for 5 years and were never too fussed about having children, but she then got cervical cancer and now she has no choice - she can't have her own child. She gets quite upset when people ask her about having children, but she isn't as blunt as I am and makes up all sorts of excuses. The last person to ask her got a sharp response from me.

I never ask about other people having children as its non of my business and it can be heartbreaking for those who are having difficulties conceiving or who are unable to have children

Boys2mam · 19/03/2010 23:26

My DCousin decided very early on she was never going to have children. She subsequently developed a devastating condition which took the choice away from her but she remained steadfast in that it would not have been her path anyway (motherhood, that is).

Even I, who have known her forever and completely understand her (and her DH's) decision find it strange to know a woman who chooses not to have children. I also know those who don't have the option and have had to live with that too. I know that I am not articulate enough to discuss this with them so I remain quiet. Others, unfortunately, blurb the first thing that springs to mind - could that be it?

MangoTango · 19/03/2010 23:30

YANBU. People are so bloody rude. I would def say 'It's a private matter and I don't want to discuss it' and then move off

musicposy · 19/03/2010 23:39

People just don't think about what they are saying. I honestly don't know if they mean to be so rude. Probably they just don't think.

I have 2 girls and for many years was trying for number 3. People who knew we wanted another usually said "if you had a boy and a girl, you wouldn't be wanting a third." I'd say that it wasn't because we were desperate for a boy, we just wanted a big family, but people would still say "of course, once you have a boy, you'll be happy." GRRR!

Now, at 43, I am finally pregnant with number 3. Question of the moment is "Did you use your own eggs?" I have lost count of the huge number of almost complete stangers who have asked this! I am really desperate to say "It's none of your bloody business!" Becuase saying yes certainly doesn't work; I'm then regaled with tales of birth defects

YANBU, not by a long shot. Why you don't have children is your business and absolutely nobody else's concern.

Condensedmilkaddict · 20/03/2010 06:31

YANBU
It should be made illegal.
I'm serious. The govt should draw up a list of questions that people are banned from asking.
The list should also include 'Are you pregnant?' a question designed to upset mums with wobbly tummies everywhere. And 'Are you hoping for a boy/girl now?'
My friend has 3 sons and is pregnant with her fourth child. You can imagine the question she is asked and for the record she is hoping for a healthy baby - boy OR girl.

Condensedmilkaddict · 20/03/2010 06:38

Oh, thought of another should-be-banned question. To SAHMs 'What do you do all day?'

nighbynight · 20/03/2010 07:23

Sorry, OP, I am puzzled why you answer "no" to that question anyway, as you just said that you do have children from your dh's first marriage?

girlsyearapart · 20/03/2010 07:50

burnyhill I have the same questions/comments as you as dd1 had just turned 1 when dd2 was born and when dc3 arrives in august we'll have 3 under 3.

Have had loads of 'was it planned?'/'ooh didn't you know you're really fertile after giving birth'/'don't you have a tv?'/'you'll have your hands full' etc etc

Even one of the post natal ward staff said something like 'you can keep your hands off her (me) now!' when he brought dd1 into visit dd2

Can't always be bothered to explain about having to stop taking strong medication for my MS 3 months before ttc,throughout pregnancy and bf ing so just easier to stay off it and have the kids close together. That just provokes a whole load of new questions..

MangoTango · 20/03/2010 12:05

I agree people probably don't realise how hurtful they are being, but it's about time they blardy learned, so good opportunity to teach them!

boiledeggandsoldiers · 20/03/2010 12:51

YA definitely NBU. DH and I married not long after we met, so wanted some time as a couple before having a family, and then to complicate matters I had difficulty conceiving, so this question used to really irritate us. I was asked this at a dinner with my work colleagues. The whole table went quiet, it was a very awkward moment. I think I just mumbled something and looked at the floor on that occasion, but I became adept at saying 'none of your business'.

blackcurrants · 20/03/2010 13:15

YADNBU! I've taken a leaf out of my big sister's book, who absolutely turned on an interfering Aunt who was trying "Don't you think it's time you had another" when her beautiful DD was about 17 months old. She said, calmly, "It took us years of anguish to have this one, and we might never be able to have another. Why don't you ask HER why she's not enough for you? She's enough for us!"
I was cheering and waving my metaphorical pompoms from the sidelines, I can tell you!
(My lucky DS has two beautiful DDs now, so that story has a happy ending. Though another happy ending would be that interfering Aunt has learned to keep her snout out, which I sincerely doubt!)

I've used "That's private" before, and had some success with a half-laugh of disbelief and "I'm not going to tell you!" too. But I really like "Why do you want to know?" and I think if sufficiently enraged I might even stretch to "Do you know how rude you're being?" My days of being shuffling and embarrassed for other people's sodding rudeness are over!

missmoopy · 20/03/2010 13:27

coldtits, I have also been called selfish for choosing to have only one child! The woman in question told me my dd would be socially inept and spoilt! I was furious and speechless.

OP, YANBU at all! Some people are just bloody nosey.

blogpage · 20/03/2010 13:35

YANBU

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