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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to interfere in my friend's life?

65 replies

Bibithree · 17/03/2010 22:29

I know she's been badly beaten by her fiance twice this week, she's not living there but I think she might go back because she's too tired not to. They've been together 18m and he's hit her 3 times since Christmas, nothing before except lots of rows, they are both fiery.
Saw her Friday, she was black and blue from when he'd hit her on Monday, jaw, eye, arms, legs, back. It happened again Saturday, he threw her, knocked her out by smashing her over the head with the laptop.
No one else knows except me and she's begged me not to tell anyone, her parents think she fell while drunk, she's covering what she can with make up but her swollen jaw and the cuts she can't hide.
No one would ever suspect he was capable of this, I've worked with him for years, everyone loves him, thinks he's such a nice boy ... I feel sick that he could do this to her. Aside from the fact that he's meant to love and protect her, he's a 6ft muscly rugby type, she's 6st 2lb and absolutely tiny.
Would you support her by doing as she asks and not tell anyone just let her confide in you or would you tell the police or her parents or anyone? I am so stuck, I want to help but I don't want to betray her trust.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bibithree · 17/03/2010 22:32

Meant to add, they've broken up many times over him not trusting her etc, but she's always gone back. no violence before now. Which is why I think she's resigned to being with him, she's used to going back.

OP posts:

gingerkirsty · 17/03/2010 22:34

Oh Bibi how awful, and what a horrible position for you to be in. I am not experienced in these matters but I am sure someone knowledgeable will be along soon. I really hope your friend gets away from this man.

parakeet · 17/03/2010 22:35

I think I would tell her parents and accept the consequences.

SenoraPostrophe · 17/03/2010 22:36

I would tell someone. not the police, as she probably won't press chrges anyway, but someone. I'd also tell him what I thought of him, but then I'm like that.

AnyFucker · 17/03/2010 22:37

Have you/she any big brothers ?

Get them to go round to his and kick seven shades of shit out of him. It's the only thing these fuckers understand.

< ahem >

Out of dream world now...

I would not stand by. I would tell her family. It would not matter to me if it ended our friendship.

He may kill her.

Do it. Tomorrow.

Original poster

Bibithree · 17/03/2010 22:38

I've thought that parakeet, but if she goes back to him, she'll hate me for telling her parents, she won't confide in anyone after that.
I told her to tell them and they'd understand why she was calling the wedding off (her parents have paid for everything), in fact they'd happily ignore the lost money to have her safe. I just don't want to take away her trust in me, she hasn't even told her sister and they are very close.

OP posts:

Slartybartfast · 17/03/2010 22:39

you can't keep this information to yourself, and deep down she must know that.
be a friend to her.

KurriKurri · 17/03/2010 22:39

I'm with parakeet, I'd rather lose a friend than risk a friend losing her life. Which is what could happen if she continues to hide it.

Original poster

Bibithree · 17/03/2010 22:40

Thank you for the quick responses, makes me feel less like an interefing untrustworthy cowbag for wanting to tell them. She's in her mid twenties, but she's quite innocent for her age and only left home for the first time to move in with him about 6 months ago.

OP posts:

jybay · 17/03/2010 22:41

Agree with anyfucker - better to lose her friendship than for your friend to lose her life.

On average, an abused woman is beaten 33 times before she leaves her partner. 2 women per week are killed by their partners. Don't let this happen to your friend.

She isn't able to think clearly for herself at the moment because she's traumatised so you need to make the decision for her. She may hate you in the short-term but in the long run she will thank you.

AnyFucker · 17/03/2010 22:42

You would stand by without doing something while she marries a violent man ?

Shame on you

Sorry...you need to hear that

insertexpletive · 17/03/2010 22:44

I agree that you should consider telling someone. If you are stuggling with this, in the first instance can you support her to get some advice or support from an organisation like Womens Aid?
Perhaps you could offer to sit in with her whilst she makes a call? I have actually made a call for a friend whilst she was sitting in the same room as me. She asked me to tell WA her story, then she got the courage to talk with them herself.

She needs to see that she has a way out of this - she needs you to help show her the path.

Original poster

Bibithree · 17/03/2010 22:45

Thank you all, I will speak to her in the morning and try and get her to tell them, I really don't want to go behind her back. She doesn't trust many people as it is, I don't want to betray her if I can get her to tell them first.

OP posts:

onebatmother · 17/03/2010 22:46

She wants you to do something, I think. She's got no strength left herself but she knows you have.

BitOfFun · 17/03/2010 22:49

God, the poor girl sounds like a lamb to the slaughter. I couldn't keep silent- please tell her parents if she won't

Original poster

Bibithree · 17/03/2010 22:49

Me and her brother are fairly good mates in a colleague kind of way so I will approach him rather than her parents I think, but like I say if I can get her to tell them or him, she'll feel more empowered ... I hope.

OP posts:

mrsboogie · 17/03/2010 22:50

If she is using her parents being out of pocket for her wedding as a reason not to seek help then your telling them will remove that excuse.

What about the police? - a crime has been committed twice - surely you can report it? They may not be able to proceed against him without her giving evidence but he will know and they will know. If she turns up beaten to a pulp in hospital one day soon (which she will) then the police might be called again.

I thought that the police could take action in domestic violence cases these days even if the victim refused to co-operate?

You cannot stand by and let him beat her to death OP. The violence is escalating fast by the sound of things.

thesecondcoming · 17/03/2010 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

porcamiseria · 17/03/2010 22:50

you cant stand by and do nothing. imagine next time if he beats her so bad he scars her, damages her. how will you handle that?

you are in a horrible position, I dont envy you. But right now this friendship should take second place to helping her.

I agree any anyfucker, wish you had a few quis spare and an available heavy that could kick the living shit out of him

be brave

akangarooloose · 17/03/2010 22:52

Is there not a new law where the woman doesn't have to be the one to press charges? I would ask the police about that, cos I am sure I read something about it in last year and thought thank god they've finally changed it.

Please do all you can to stop her - try to get her to speak to the police/womens aid urgently herself.

FoxtrotOscarJuliet · 17/03/2010 22:52

Bibithree, break the promise, and tell the people she'd be most embarrassed if they knew. Put it out in the open. She'll be really angry for a while but when she's had some space she'll eventually forgive you.

I was in an abusive relationship once (not in as much physical danger though) and maintaining the facade was exhausting. Once that was blown open, I felt like I HAD to leave. Once, when he hit me, I ran to my friend and just told her before I could change my mind and keep it secret as usual. As soon as it was 'out there' I had to leave. Had my dignity right? Apart from letting myself be abused for years that is......

tell tell tell and deal with the fall out. Your relationship isn't the issue. Her relationship with him is the issue.

messymissy · 17/03/2010 22:54

you must tell someone she trusts not to rush round there and read him the riot act - it must be someone who can help you get her away from him asap - initially if she wont accept leaving permenantly at this stage - tell her its just for a short while, a break, stay with a friend / relative preferably far away.

Talk to Womens Aid and look on the refuge website - there is a whole section on how friends can help the victim, what to say and more importantly what not to say - its very important you read their advice.

She wont tell her parents, because she is afraid and fear is paralysing. And she will at some level be blaming herself and feeling guilt and shame. - i speak from first hand experience.

she will be so grateful if you listen without condeming her for waivering, for staying with him etc.

Remind her how she used to be before she met him and how she can be that person again.

I really hope she can get away soon, very soon.

elastamum · 17/03/2010 22:55

Please tell, she needs help to find the strength to get out of this awful situation. If you do nothing it will get worse and worse and you will have to get involved sometime as you know about it.

Original poster

Bibithree · 17/03/2010 22:56

Thank you messy, I will look at those sites now before I go to bed. Thank you everyone, I will speak to her tomorrow and let you all know how things progress.

OP posts:

Vallhala · 17/03/2010 22:58

I agree entirely with what AnyFucker says - all of it, inccluding her very first comment about sending someone round to speak to this bastard in the only language he understands.

Please realise that by not speaking out you're not protecting your friend or supporting her... you're risking her LIFE.
I wish that my friends had spoken out.

Do you still work with this man? If so, and it takes a certain mouthy moo outspoken type, if I were you I'd be telling him that I knew all about his partner's injuries and that if he ever laid another finger on her I'dmake sure every colleague, boss and client did too.

Whatever you do, please ask yourself what you'll regret more - angering your friend by doing something about these beatings or having to attend her funeral.

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