to interfere in my friend's life?

[Bibithree]

I know she's been badly beaten by her fiance twice this week, she's not living there but I think she might go back because she's too tired not to. They've been together 18m and he's hit her 3 times since Christmas, nothing before except lots of rows, they are both fiery.
Saw her Friday, she was black and blue from when he'd hit her on Monday, jaw, eye, arms, legs, back. It happened again Saturday, he threw her, knocked her out by smashing her over the head with the laptop.
No one else knows except me and she's begged me not to tell anyone, her parents think she fell while drunk, she's covering what she can with make up but her swollen jaw and the cuts she can't hide.
No one would ever suspect he was capable of this, I've worked with him for years, everyone loves him, thinks he's such a nice boy ... I feel sick that he could do this to her. Aside from the fact that he's meant to love and protect her, he's a 6ft muscly rugby type, she's 6st 2lb and absolutely tiny.
Would you support her by doing as she asks and not tell anyone just let her confide in you or would you tell the police or her parents or anyone? I am so stuck, I want to help but I don't want to betray her trust.

If she hasn't been there long and her self esteem is already that low, is there any chance her upbringing had some level of abuse? Only asking as then maybe her parents would NOT be the best people to help. Her brother might be a key contact point though....

Portofino, her self esteem has been low from teenage years, body conscious, anorexia etc, she was getting better and looking after herself until very recently, it seems like he's knocked her down hard and fast.
I know the family, went to school with her sister, worked with both her and her brother, I don't think the self esteem thing stems from her family life, it's just her personality.

I know I keep saying this but thank you all. I'm going to give womens aid of refuge a ring tomrorow and see what the suggest in regards to handling this.

And thank you to the people who think I shouldn't tell her parents, for understanding how I feel about that and taking away the one bit of trust she's given to anyone over this.

bibi, when you ask for advice on these threads, nobody (who is sensible) expects you to follow it to the letter

you know how things are in RL, for this situation

people give best-case scenario...and then you muddle a way through

that is life, innit

I wish you, and your friend, much strength

Definateoly call WA and then ask her round for lunch/coffee and while she is in the house get this page up. It is a list of questions on how to recognise domestic violence.
She needs to know she is not alone in this, and she isn't the only person it has happened to, and from this to realise that it is his fault.

This must be terribly hard for you to know how to do the right thing, can you offer her a place to stay if she is ashamed to be at her parents when they know?

GOod luck. Will be thinking of you both.

good link JackBauer - I did this list of questions a YEAR before I was strong enough to leave. I wish I had help from someone close to get me out of there sooner.

Bibi even if she rants and raves at you, tells you you are interferring - stick with her - you are her lifeline.

Even if it looks like she is not listening, not taking your advice on board - she will be thinking about it and it may take time for her to believe that she will be ok and protected when she leaves. It takes time and a lot of patience and support and confidence boosts from people she can trusts and can rely on.

Its not a case of 'making her see sense' - she will know what is happening to her is absolutely wrong, but the overriding fear is paralysing and stops you moving forward, to break away from him and his control will be so very very tough.

I hope she doesn't meet him to talk - if she cant be persauded otherwise - suggest its a very public place with you near by.

She's meeting him tonight
I don't know how it's going to go, but the fact that she's meeting him tells me she doesn't want to or can't end it.
I've spoken to her today and told her I've got all the information she needs and she can come round and use my laptop/phone to get any info she wants at any time. Also that I'm her friend no matter what she decides and I won't judge her, but I also won't turn a blind eye.
I feel so lost, I don't know if I should have been firmer and "told on her" or if I'm doing the right thing by just supporting her choices. I feel responsible for her and interfering at the same time, a bad friend for not getting her away from him for good and completely bloody helpless all at the same time.

Oh Bibi, you must be so worried, no idea what to suggest but to keep doing what you are doing and be there for her. Good luck, xx

Friends words:
She doesn't feel like she's ready to give up yet, they've been through so much she wants to see how things go. She doesn't have the same feelings for him, but she doesn't want to be sorry in a few months time if she ends it now and is wrong.

Followed by texts asking if I'm pissed off with her. I told her I think she's crazy and I'm really worried about her, but I am not pissed off with her, I just wish she could see this how I see it.
I really don't know what to do now.

I'd say you'd probably loose her sooner or later if she's with him. If he doesn't trust her now he'll want to start controlling who she sees and he'll probably limit her social exposure completely (or she'll limit it herself because she'll not want to give him reason to think she's unfaithful or even just not to have to hear about other peoples decent lives, or to not show marks). So in my opinion you've got all to win on telling her parents. Perhaps you could arrange to tell her parents with her there? That way she can't tell her parents that your lying or something like that. Its a classic story I'm afraid with her going back repeatedly and him getting increasingly violent. He's already hit her three times in 2010, so any fable he is spinning about being able to change would be absolute bull. She needs to get away, and fast, before she gets badly injured or broken for life. You've not got any time to loose (in my opinion). Tell her parents!

Try showing her this thread? Let her see how worried you are, and how all these people who don't even know her are offering support and advice...and how not one single one of them is saying "he sounds like a keeper"? Perhaps (and I totally understand why btw), you're being too gentle with her - maybe hearing how others can see this for what it really is will give her the strength to finish things with him for good?

I was once in her shoes, eventually I'd had enough but couldn't quite leave by the time I was ready to never go back my best friend had cut contact with me and tbh that was one of the biggest pushes, she sat with me one day told me she couldn't stand by and watch me keep going back to him then coming to her for support because I'd been beaten again so she told me to choose between her or him, it was hard at the time, I felt she had pushed me to him BUT 3 months later I finally left because I missed her so much, I could live without him but I couldn't live with her, we'd been best friends since we were 12 and I was 18 at that time, I'm 28 now and I still see my best friend and I'm glad she did what she did, it must have been very hard for her to walk away from me at a time when I needed her but I understand why she did it and I think she did help.

The other person who really helped me was my DH (he was a friend back then) he would come round whenever I asked him to day or night and stay with me so I didn't get lonely and go back to my ex, he helped to re-build my life and enjoy myself, he'd come shopping with me and encourage me to buy clothes I wanted to wear, not clothes I was "allowed" to wear, he was my knight in shining armour and I'm very grateful for his support, my best friend couldn't have done what DH did because we would have done that and I still would go back but because I didn't want DH to get hurt (not the fighting kind at all) I didn't let my ex know about him so I felt I had to protect DH from my ex by keeping away from him so I could spend time with DH if that makes sense?

I have waffled on enough now but just wanted to say your friend has to do it in her own time and if she feels she has you there she might find it easier to stay with him knowing she has support for the in between times, in order for her to leave she has to find it harder to stay with him than to leave and that is where it's hard to stand by and watch it. I am lucky I got out when I did, since I left my ex has been in prison at for owning a gun, stabbing someone and for GBH to his girlfriend.

If you show your friend this thread my words to her are - it will get worse, it will get more frequent and he will hide it less but he will never stop blaming you and he will never change and if you don't get out now you might never recover from the abuse, I was abused for 18months and it took 3 years of counselling to help me get back to normal.

If she feels you have betrayed her now, hopefully one day she will see that you did the right thing. I just hope she is alive to see it.

Take care of yourself Bibi.

An update for you: after going back to him and pretending things were okay, taking several more beatings, she has finally left and she says it's for good this time.
It's been a terrible time, but I've kept talking to her, trying not to judge and just listen and thankfully she's still talking to me.
The Domestic Abuse helpline were also a massive support to mw in helping me help her, as MN has been too.

I know it's going to be a long road from here on as she comes to terms with it all, but I am so so relieved she has seen him for what he is.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to come speak to me about this.

Bibithree

I know you will have been told this over and over by the end of this thread but you MUST tell someone and you must do it soon.

She can't face he fight with him, she can't face admitting the pace she's in but she can't live like that.

I prayed and prayed that someone would 'find out' what my ex was doing because that way I wouldn't have to be the one who admitted it. I desparately wanted someone else to sort it all out, I was exhausted from all of it, the walking on eggshells to avoid being hit, the keeping up a brave face so I wouldn't have to face up to how shit my life was.

You may be surprised how quickly this resolves with her even if she is initially angry.

You are not an interfering cowbag, you are a really good friend.

Doh! and that's honestly the first tikme I've ever responded before reading the whole thread..

So glad to hear she's left and sorted herself a more positve future, one day she will recognise what an amazing friend you have been