to interfere in my friend's life?

[Bibithree]

I know she's been badly beaten by her fiance twice this week, she's not living there but I think she might go back because she's too tired not to. They've been together 18m and he's hit her 3 times since Christmas, nothing before except lots of rows, they are both fiery.
Saw her Friday, she was black and blue from when he'd hit her on Monday, jaw, eye, arms, legs, back. It happened again Saturday, he threw her, knocked her out by smashing her over the head with the laptop.
No one else knows except me and she's begged me not to tell anyone, her parents think she fell while drunk, she's covering what she can with make up but her swollen jaw and the cuts she can't hide.
No one would ever suspect he was capable of this, I've worked with him for years, everyone loves him, thinks he's such a nice boy ... I feel sick that he could do this to her. Aside from the fact that he's meant to love and protect her, he's a 6ft muscly rugby type, she's 6st 2lb and absolutely tiny.
Would you support her by doing as she asks and not tell anyone just let her confide in you or would you tell the police or her parents or anyone? I am so stuck, I want to help but I don't want to betray her trust.

I would ask you to shift the roles for a minute

Please imagine your friend is, in fact, your daughter

How would you feel if her 'dear friend' had stood by and not intervened here?

Please tell someone. She never will.

She may be angry at first, but she will understand eventually. I can't believe people ignored the fact I was being hit by my (much older) BF when I was younger. Imagine it was your daughter!

Please, before she gets pregnant!

x posts NNB!

please dont send any one around to speak to him etc etc. Its too dangerous.

Your friend must have somewhere to go and be out of the way before he realises she has gone.

WA and the Police will tell you it gets so very much worse once the abuser knows his victim is leaving and /or told people. Its just not safe to confront him in anyway until she is out of the way somewhere safe.

She can speak to the Domestic Violence unit at her local police station - once they are aware of her situation they can give her advice on her safety and what to do next. She can speak to them without pressing charges if she wants to. They can call her on her mobile if she doesnt want to go in there in person. They were incredibly helpful and supportive to me and it felt so good that someone was listening and i felt safer knowing that help was just a phone call away.

You and your friend at at the start of the beginning of her new better life - its going to be very tough in the next few weeks but you sound like a good friend who will stick by her.

Please NEVER say that's he seems so nice, no one would think he was capable - cos she will think you think and others will think that she is lying, making it up, exaggerating or worse still that no one is ever going to believe her - because he must be nice and she must be awful and deserve the beatings. This is part of the control these men inflict, Jeckyll and Hyde, they mess with your mind and by being nice and charming in front of other people and hideous to their partner makes the prison that she is trapped in.

You could speak with your local Police without her actually pressing charges. All Police forces have a domestic abuse / public protection unit which can provide a wealth of information.
The CPS will now prosecute without the victim cooperating but they still need evidence (e.g an initial retracted complaint, injuries, witnesses etc). This is only really called into play where there are cases where a victim regularly makes a complaint then retracts it before it gets to court. In these circumstances there is evidence such as the initial Police phone call / documented injuries etc.
It's a horible situation to be in because if you don't do something then she could potentially go back to him and next time might be worse and if you do do something in future she may feel she doesn't have anyone to trust.
The very fact that she has told you speaks volumes. To me it says that she wants your help but doesn't want to out right ask you. She is probably very scared and confused and won't know what to do next.
She needs reassurance and support and above all else she needs to stay away from him. I would explain all that to her as gently as can be and offer her support in telling her brother / parents / Police / Victim Support or whoever she chooses to confide in and get help from.
There are the scary facts that it takes an abused person on average 21 instances of abuse before they report it. She may have told you that it hasn't happened before but maybe she too embarrassed to admit how long it has been going on for? Abuse is not always necessarily physical and in many cases it starts with emotional abuse e.g undermining confidence in order to control the person.
It is difficult to accept but 80% of murders are committed by a person that the victim knows and in the many of these cases it is domestic.
She needs to get away whilst she can and if she can muster the courage then she should report it to the Police to hopefully prevent it happening to his next unsuspecting girlfriend.
Good luck!

You are a lovely friend and in such a difficult position. But you know that if she goes ahead and marries this man, it will be even more difficult to get away from him. If he's doing this now ffs what is he going to be like when she's his wife?

Be strong for her, she'll appreciate it in the long run.

As a previous poster mentioned it takes many attempts before an abused person decides to leave.

Useful advice, given by CAB is to suggest that she prepares a get out plan, to use when she is ready.

So for example she should gather together in one secure place all her paperwork eg passport, payslips, birth certificates, bank details,benefit entitlement letters ( if applicable), telephone numbers and some spare clothes/emergency toiletries.

If there are children she should do the same for them including say nappies and basic clothes

It is also advised to put away some cash and perhaps open a new secret bank account and SIM card for a phone.

Domestic outreach workers can usually arrange to meet and discuss arrangements and options in informal settings,such as a coffee shop if this will help and avoid arrousing suspicions.

be prepared to support your friend, as you are already doing but do not judge her if she takes a long time to reach her decision.

She is very lucky to have at least one person she can confide in.You must be very special.

Sorry just re-reading your OP is she living with him?

you need to tell someone.

can you take her to A&E?
take photos of the bruises as evidence to keep yourself?

Morning all, I can't get hold of her this morning yet, but I've text her and asked her to please tell her family.
She's back at home with her parents now, was living in a rented house with him so I don't think they've got joint accounts or anything to tie her to him other than the house rental contract.
I don't think he'd go to her parents house to cause trouble, he won't want to show anyone what he really is.
He is laying all the blame on her, telling her she made him do it, it was her fault because she kept getting back up after he hit her etc. and since Saturday he's sent her texts saying she's heartless and how can she do this to him, he loves her etc. Makes me sick. She has low self esteem anyway, hence her low weight and previous eating disorders. She's gone from 8 stone to 6 stone in less than 3 months.
Thank you all again for your quick responses and the advice. I won't let her go back to him, even if it costs us our friendship.

this is a good read

Your a good friend to her. If you she does go back you must tell her parents. I agree she never will. My GP still don't know the truth about my Dad, but I think they suspect. My mum never told anyone, she is still with him. She would have had a much happier life if someone like you had been there for her.

It may cos your friendship in the short term, but in long run she will come to understand why you felt you needed to intervene.

In the meantime just be there for her. Abusive men have a way of getting into your head and making you believe that it was your fault and they need you. It sounds silly to anyone who hasn't been in that situation, but it happens a lot. That is why people go back to these relationships. They start to believe what they are being told.

Until she is ready to walk away there is little you can do

no,there isnt,there is alot you can do!

i was in this situation at this age....in fact my friend and i were both with violent men! bloody ridiculous looking back

you can take her out...show her there is more to life than this scumbag. take her places where she can meet new people...men especially!!

encourage her to change her number....he will pester her forever otherwise....look into new simcards or whatever she needs

you know this man? then shame him...let him know that YOU know what he's been doing (keep yourself safe though)

show her womens aid website/literature....let her know theres help she can access,with you assisting her if need be

what else?

This might be a mad idea, but how about you phone her parents and just talk as though she has told them everything? They probably have their suspicions anyway, so if you say, "It's horrible what's happened, and you know this isn't the first time he's beaten her up, what can I do to help with cancelling the wedding arrangements?"

Like other posters, your friend might be cross that you have gone behind her back, but in the long run, you could save her life.

If she has moved back home and is covered in bruises from 'a fall while drunk' her parents must have guessed what is going on. What excuse did she give them for coming back home?

i dont think you should go to her parents....

a) because yes,they wll prob already know...

b) if she doesnt take kindly to it,where do you tink she'll end up running back to?? him! dont corner her

bibi that is such a classic response from him. Get her to change her mobile phone number and tell her over and over that it is not her fault, she did not make him do it, it is his fault and she has done fantastically to live the rented home and go to her parents. Tell her that she is stronger than she thinks she is and can and will cope without him and be happier without him.

I agree with 3blondes there is loads you can do, read the how you can help friends and family on the refuge website....and show her too. she will probably cry a lot (i did) when she reads it and realises that she is not alone and has been caught up in a nightmare that HE created.

he does not love her. He is trying to make her feel guilty / sorry for him. Its manipulation pure and simple. He may even (with any luck) be shitting a brick that she will press charges. I really hope she has the strength to do so. It is very hard to break away from the awful control men like this get over women who once loved them.

Talk to her about telling people. The more people that know what he has done, the safer she will be. It will be hard for her. It was hard for me, I did not choose to tell anyone except my doctor, then one day a friend unexpectedly invited me over for coffee, she was quiet insistent in a gentle way, I went and she coaxed it out of me. It was such a relief. She listened, she believed me. I told many friends after that and told my family - i told him too that they now all knew......surprise surprise the violence stopped I still left though as the emotional abuse continued and the ever present threat that he would do it again was not worth taking the risk.

she must not marry this man.

she deserves so much better.

Talk to her parents that you are worried that she has been so very unhappy lately, withdrawn, not herself, etc etc, say you think they are not a good match etc etc and see then if the parents catch on. Say you are worried she has had so many 'accidents'

keep with it, perserve even if she tells you to mind your own business, tell her you are there for her. She needs you.

We had an email convo earlier and said I wanted her to think seriously about telling her parents or her brother and that if she didn't then I might have to because I wanted to make sure she was protected. Trying to be gentle but firm at the same time.
She said she was going to meet him to talk but she doesn't know where her head is at the moment, so I reminded her that this isn't her fault no matter what he says and that if it was me I'd be gone and wouldn't be giving him the chance to 'talk'.
Also reminded her I would support her if she left him but I'd find it very very difficult to see her go back to him.
She doesn't deserve this, she deserved the man he pretended to be for 18m. True colours nad all that. I also told her i'd been reading about women in abusive relationships and where she could read some info.
No news back since that, but I'll be seeing her tomorrow.

Thanks ladies, for giving me the courage to start doing something about this.

oh dear, I am sorry but this is not looking good

Anyfucker, I know, but I tried to be as firm as I could without being pushy, lord knows she doesn't need to think someone else is bullying her too. Finding it hard though, I want to screama dn shout and tell her she's being ridiculous to even consider it, but I know that won't do any good.

Well done Bibi for supporting your friend - agree you need to put her needs first not her wishes and if that means loosing her friendship for a while then so be it.

bibi, don't blame yourself

I have a feeling this is all a foregone conclusion, tbh

prepare for her to have to get to rock-bottom, and even deeper, before she will come to her senses

let's hope you don't read about her plight on the front page of your local paper...

i agree with the poster who said "'I'd rather lose a friend than risk a friend losing her life" You have to do something, but unfortunately, you can tell her until she's blue in the face, but until she is ready to leave him, she won't. He'll apologise, convince her it was her fault, and that he will never do it again, and she'll go back to him.

You have to be careful, you tell her parents and she might have nowhere to feel safe. She won't trust you and won't come back to you when she needs you. She may feel everyone is judging and blaming her. Please please please get expert help, call women's aid/refuge et al and find out how to help her properly. Please whatever you do, do not threaten her. i.e. I'm going to tell if you don't etc. If this doesn't fracture the relationship, it may cause her to start lying to you, and concealing the abuse.

Also, if you confront him, it will make him incredibly angry and who do you think he will take it out on. Do not back him in to a corner! He may get clever and start hurting her where it can't be seen.

I'm sorry, my post may seem confusing. What I'm saying in essence is get professional advice before you act. And always be there for your friend, even if you feel like you can't anymore because it's too painful.

By the way, you are a good friend.

I agree with chilblains, although I have no personal experience of this problem. Ime of other serious relationship problems, women tend to feel guilty and ashamed themselves.

So by telling her parents it's like you're shopping her, not him. It's how she'll feel, surely, that you have betrayed her trust. She'll deny and minimise it, and cease to confide in anybody, possibly going back to him and keeping the rest of the world at bay as it's too shaming to be outed as a victim of abuse.

I think as a friend you should support her, try everything you can think of to make her see sense and leave this man permanently, give her all the chat we give out on here.

But ultimately she has to make the decisions about who to tell and when and if she leaves. I don't think that by not telling her parents you are 'doing nothing' at all. It sounds like you've been a great friend and will continue being a great friend, that's what she needs.