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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my husband is a selifish nasty twat?

57 replies

YummyorSlummy · 16/03/2010 18:15

In tears typing this as h has upset me again. I am not very well with a bug and h is going away tommorow on a course levaing me to look after ds and mad labrador puppy. Anyhow, when he came in from work I asked him to drive to the supermarket to pick up some bits for me and ds for while he was away (i dont drive and quite isolated here so wanted to stock up) so I wrote down a list and asked for some specific stuff explaining where it was etc. So he comes back with completely the wrong stuff as he obviously didnt bother reading the list. i got quite upset because feels like he doesnt care enough to get right stuff etc and didnt offer to make ds's dinner, or even give me a kiss or hug after he'd been out all day and i would have thought cos im ill he's make an effort before he goes away. But no, he refused to go back to the shop, started walking round with a smirk on his face calling me a physcho when I started shouting at him. I said to him ' I just dont get it, you do an important job all day and make an effort there but for me you cant even read a shopping list' and he replied 'well at least i can get a job, you'll never get a job like mine you get rejected for every one you apply for' and then as i walked off crying he was shouting stuff up the stairs at me. i just cant be doing with this right now :-(

OP posts:

Shitemum · 16/03/2010 18:17

YANBU make sure the puppy shits in his fave shoes while he's away.

LittleSilver · 16/03/2010 18:17

He's a prat. And that's a very nice way of putting it.

GoldenSnitch · 16/03/2010 18:19

YANBU!!

thehillsarealive · 16/03/2010 18:20

no, YANBU - your H is being horrid and nasty. Does he always behave this way? Would it have bothered you if you werent ill? Could you do an online shop to get the bits you need?

hope you feel better soon and a hug from me - in a non mumsnet way.

Spero · 16/03/2010 18:22

You are obviously upset and not feeling well. which will make you feel crap. But maybe he did try and got stuff which was approximately what you wanted??

See what happens when you both calm down. Maybe he is pissed off that you didn't appreciate what he has done, maybe he is feeling ill too and doesn't want to go on a course.

Of course, that doesn't excuse his behaviour, which is poor, but it might give you a more useful context.

And just a thought, if you are isolated, it might help if you learn to drive?

This could be a pattern of behaviour in which case he is a selfish nasty twat or its a one off because you are both frazzled right now. Only you can know which it is.

junglist1 · 16/03/2010 18:22

Not nice at all. Sounds like he thinks the fact he even went to the shop should have you congratulating him. Arse

Original poster

YummyorSlummy · 16/03/2010 18:23

It would still upset me if i wasnt ill tbh I just feel like he doesnt give a crap about me at all anymore- he also said he couldn't wait to go back to the uk for this course to get away from me:-( sadly no online shopping where we are! Thanks for the non-mumsnet hug though lol

OP posts:

Spero · 16/03/2010 18:24

Well that is a really shitty thing to say. I can't see what would justify that. When he gets back from course, you need to talk.

Original poster

YummyorSlummy · 16/03/2010 18:25

Spero, I can't wait to learn to drive! Am currently saving up to go back to the uk and do an intensive course- then I wont have to rely on him to get me stuff anymore

OP posts:

birdworthington · 16/03/2010 18:43

What horrible things to say. I would give him a massive kick in the arse if he ever spoke to me like that, I would be packing his bags and looking for somewhere for him to go when he gets back. I know it's not as easy as that but I couldn't put up with it.

GeekOfTheWeek · 16/03/2010 18:43

Does he always treat you this way?

If so I wouldn't call it a marriage tbh.

The man sounds like a prick.

Spero · 16/03/2010 18:45

I think that would help, learning the drive. But in a good marriage you ought to be able to rely on one another when you need to, so even if you can drive surely sometimes he should be happy to do shopping?

OK, maybe 'happy' is the wrong word, but surely the point is that if he is your husband he should be able to do stuff for you without making it so unpleasant, even if he has got his own problems - and I'm just speculating about that, he could just be a nasty twat in general.

In which case, what are you doing with him?

lal123 · 16/03/2010 18:46

can't you learn to drive in country where you are?

ScreaminEagle · 16/03/2010 18:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

wwwdotcom · 16/03/2010 18:50

He sounds like a prize knob.

MissWooWoo · 16/03/2010 18:58

that must have really hurt your feelings - he's being really unkind to you, does he do that a lot?

skidoodly · 16/03/2010 18:58

You shouted at him for getting the wrong stuff from the shop and expected him to go back?

And you took his failure to follow your instrucions as a sign he doesn't care enough?

You do sound kind of like a psycho.

If I drove to the shop for you after work and you shouted at me on my return you'd never ask me to run an errand for you again.

Original poster

YummyorSlummy · 16/03/2010 18:59

Screamineagle, I asked him to get some of these pringle snack things that ds likes, for instance, and i wrote underlined 'not the crisps the breadsticks' and wrote where thye were, and he still got the crisps cos he just didnt read it. Along with other wrong stuff that he brought back. Its just that he does this all the time and I know that its cos he cant be assed to make an effort. And if say anything about this or other behaviour I get called a pyscho and he makes me feel like theres something wrong with me and stays in a mood with me. Also if I bring up the way he is with me he always turns it around on me to change the subject.I'm not sure if its me or him that needs to change. Whats worse is the row today was in front of ds who's 1, I feel horrible about it :-(

OP posts:

Tortington · 16/03/2010 19:02

im afraid i think your reaction to his uselessness was out of perspective.

and i too, would not appreciate working all day, coming home, going out again shopping, coming home - then being screamed at.

this does not excuse his response

my response would be " fuck off and leave me alone"

Original poster

YummyorSlummy · 16/03/2010 19:03

Skidoodly I ddint shout at him for getting the wrong stuff. It was after he walked around calling me a pysycho with this smirk on his face when I even mentioned that the stuff was wrong that i started shouting

OP posts:

NormaStanleyFletcher · 16/03/2010 19:08

His response sounds rather belittling to me.

That whole bit about jobs...

Had DH got the wrong stuff he would probably have apologised and offered to go out and get the right stuff, if he were about to go away and I couldn't drive.

JustAnotherManicMummy · 16/03/2010 19:09

Agree with custy. Sounds like there's fault on both sides.

Are you planning on going back to work? I ask because being isolated and lonely is no good for any of you. If you can learn to drive you should.

Oh, and shop online for now.

yellowcircle · 16/03/2010 19:14

Without further information, I think there are 2 ways I could read this.

He's got you exactly where he wants you, isolated, unable to drive and dependent on him. You are at his mercy and it seems that him smirking at you might suggest he likes to feel superior.

You are over dependent on him and he tried his best after a hard day at work to get you some shopping and you got cross with him over it.

It is hard to tell, but either way, if I was you in this situation, I would do the following:

Short term:
Can you get a taxi to the shops whilst he is away? Ring any friends to give you a lift?

Then:
I would get back to the UK with your DS and stay with your parents, or a supportive friend as soon as you can - you don't work so I am assuming you don't have day to day commitments which would prevent you from doing this. I would go for driving lessons whilst parents looked after DS. Money is obviously tight so I would ask parents to help with flight and driving lessons. I couldn't bear to be "helpless" with a "partner" like you have described. You need to find some way of taking control of the situation because at the moment, he has all the power.

compo · 16/03/2010 19:19

I agree with custy

I wouldnot be happy to be at work all day and then come home and be sent to the shops and then when I get back get yelled at ofr buying the wrong things

did you ask him how his day was in btw all that and waiting for a hug?

and if you can't drive and find your puppy a handful then learn to drive and get rid of the puppy maybe?

sorry to sound harsh but maybe if you felt more positive it might havw a postive effect on your r'ship, it sounds like he was just sounding off in the heat of the moment, me and dh have said some pretty nasty things to each other because we're tired, stressed and / or ill

giveitago · 16/03/2010 19:23

With yellow.

He sounds like a twat - particularly not nice when you are ill.

Does he usually belittle you and do you usually shout at him or is it strained because you are overseas with no transport and feeling alone?

The comments about your lack of job worry me tbh - I assume you are overseas to support his career? He also needs to support yours. Basic stuff.

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