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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my husband is a selifish nasty twat?

57 replies

YummyorSlummy · 16/03/2010 18:15

In tears typing this as h has upset me again. I am not very well with a bug and h is going away tommorow on a course levaing me to look after ds and mad labrador puppy. Anyhow, when he came in from work I asked him to drive to the supermarket to pick up some bits for me and ds for while he was away (i dont drive and quite isolated here so wanted to stock up) so I wrote down a list and asked for some specific stuff explaining where it was etc. So he comes back with completely the wrong stuff as he obviously didnt bother reading the list. i got quite upset because feels like he doesnt care enough to get right stuff etc and didnt offer to make ds's dinner, or even give me a kiss or hug after he'd been out all day and i would have thought cos im ill he's make an effort before he goes away. But no, he refused to go back to the shop, started walking round with a smirk on his face calling me a physcho when I started shouting at him. I said to him ' I just dont get it, you do an important job all day and make an effort there but for me you cant even read a shopping list' and he replied 'well at least i can get a job, you'll never get a job like mine you get rejected for every one you apply for' and then as i walked off crying he was shouting stuff up the stairs at me. i just cant be doing with this right now :-(

OP posts:
pantspantspants · 16/03/2010 19:24

Hi, I just wanted to say that you are not alone, my partner has the same attitude even though I drive and work ( and do all the housework and look after the kids).

If hes anything like my P, he will always find something to have the upperhand. i.e. how much you earn, you driving style or education.

I think even if your situation changes he won't. by his actions he's shown his feelings for you.

abbierhodes · 16/03/2010 19:36

He sounds like a twat...but I agree with those who say there seems to be fault on both sides here.

I was waiting for you to say he'd left you without bread or nappies or something, but he got the wrong sort of pringles? And you expected him to go back to the shop?

I think this sounds like a very resentful relationship, on both sides.

macdoodle · 16/03/2010 20:18

He got the wrong pringles
I tell you the way I feel after a 10hr day at work today, if I had then gone shopping, and then got screamed at for getting the wrong bloody pringles, I may have called you a psycho too...
Can you not get a bus to the shop in the next few days and get some pringles yourself ???

moondog · 16/03/2010 20:25

Where are you?
What do you do all day?
Why can't you do the shoppoing?

electrofagz · 16/03/2010 20:37

online grocery shopping could be the answer???

rainbowinthesky · 16/03/2010 20:41

I would have been seriously annoyed had I been at work all day and you dont work. I'd gone out got the shopping, bought the wrong sort of pringles and then you expected me to go out to the shops again and when I refused you started shouting at me.

Triggles · 16/03/2010 20:44

The OP has already stated that she has been ill with a bug, and that there is no online shopping where she is at.

OP - I have to agree with yellowcircle - regardless of how aggravated you are with each other for whatever reason, it's not on for him to belittle you in that way (although to be honest, we don't know exactly what you screamed at him either).

Hope you are feeling better soon.

Roxylox · 16/03/2010 20:55

Oh my goodness - I'm guessing the OP would like to be treated with dignity and respect and unfortunately she feels as though she is on the receiving end of the behaviour of a "selfish, nasty twat".

If he cared about her, it wouldn't matter how important/busy he has been during his day, he is returning to a woman, caretaker of his child, that is poorly, tired and frazzled, for whom the contents of the list are important.

So if he took his head out his arse for long enough, he would deal with that, without making hurtful, unnecessary comments, and then deal with the bigger picture, if he felt that necessary, after he has returned from his trip away.

Gaaah. You lot can be tough

rainbowinthesky · 16/03/2010 20:57

He went out and did the shopping for her- didnt get it right and she shouted at him and expected him to go out again.

NormaStanleyFletcher · 16/03/2010 21:06

He went out and did the shopping after a long day. She had also had a long day. But in a non-earning capacity looking after their child, which he pointed out, and said she isn't capable of getting a job.

She said she didn't shout until after he had called her a psycho.

We are only hearing one side of this, I know that, but I wouldn't want to be treated in that way.

SolidGoldBrass · 16/03/2010 21:15

THe first thing that came to my mind on reading this was that he's the kind of man who deliberately fucks up any small domestic task he's asked to do in order to demonstrate to his DW that it's women's work and he is above it, and therefore he's going to make a mess of it to punish her for daring to ask him to do it.

MorrisZapp · 16/03/2010 21:27

She didn't shout at him for getting the wrong shopping, she shouted when he called her a psycho etc.

'At least I've got a job but you just get rejected' is hardly the view of a supportive partner I'd say.

hmc · 16/03/2010 21:29

Also think there is fault on both sides tbh

OrmRenewed · 16/03/2010 21:33

" I just dont get it, you do an important job all day and make an effort there but for me you cant even read a shopping list'"

Well speaking from the other side, when I've been out all day at work and I am expected to go out again to go shopping and I get it wrong, I would be quite fed up being critisised like that. Ditto if I cooked a meal and someone complained about it etc etc. His response sounds like someone at the end of their rope. No-one I know takes critisism that well, especially if I'm tired.

And I guess it isn't his fault he has to go on a course?

OrmRenewed · 16/03/2010 21:34

royx "If he cared about her, it wouldn't matter how important/busy he has been during his day," Ditto for her. Works both ways.

WingedVictory · 16/03/2010 21:40

It sounded like a bad-day-for-both argument until :

"well at least i can get a job, you'll never get a job like mine you get rejected for every one you apply for' and then as i walked off crying he was shouting stuff up the stairs at me. i just cant be doing with this right now "

That is bloody unpleasant, actively nasty. Not something you would even have thought of if you didn't have a streak.

Going shopping before a trip away is not too much to ask, especially if it is difficult to get to the shops. And getting cross about the wrong things bought is annoying, but hardly enough to justify such a shitty response. YummyorSlummy, don't let this sort of response be normalised.

WingedVictory · 16/03/2010 21:50

Sorry, that last bit sounded very smug and unhelpful. What I meant was don't take it for granted that he should be able to say properly nasty things just because you have had a bit of a go as well. There are rules in war (Geneva Convention, anyone?), so why not in love? We ought to keep hold of our worse natures with people we love, even in bad arguments. If we don't, that's when we start to kill love.

Hope this is not too idealistic for a Tuesday evening. I'm a bit sleep deprived, so less emotionally inhibited!

macdoodle · 16/03/2010 21:58

oh come on it was a bloody pack of pringles, she wrote him a list, UNDERLINED it, then spet out to him exactly where it was FFS and we think he has the problem, this sounds more than a tad controlling to me (her not him)!
She is very unclear as to exactly what she said to him, but I would be bloody hacked off if I got "told off" for getting the wrong pack of pringles!!!
If a woman had been posting this we would be all up in ructions, I am the first to be a bit sensitve to abuse, but to me this sounds like there is a lot going on here on both sides!

macdoodle · 16/03/2010 21:59

Hmm I just read it again, she told him "he cant even read a list" , I just bet that wasnt said calmly and kindly!

puffling · 16/03/2010 22:08

I can see that from his point of view, the OP's attitude was irritating. having said that, if he loved and adored her, her wouldn't leave her feeling so sad.

JavaBean247 · 16/03/2010 22:25

I can't respond to this too angry. To put it short YABU.

Seriously.

hmc · 17/03/2010 10:48

Why are you so angry JavaBean - are you the dh?

marantha · 17/03/2010 10:57

Yes, my arsehole of a soon-to-be-ex husband used to use the "I've got a better job than you line" on me all the time. Now the t*'s has been sacked I don't think he can do this anymore (owing to HIS behaviour not an unfortunate redundancy)as I have now the perfect riposte: "I've never been sacked."

ljgibbs · 17/03/2010 11:07

I agree with SolidGoldBrass.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 17/03/2010 11:08

The wrong sort of Pringles is not '..completely the wrong stuff...' - completely the wrong stuff would be a dozen packs of kitchen roll that were on special offer when she needed milk and bread. Even if these are the only pringles that the OP's ds will eat, it is hardly the end of the world because Pringles are a luxury not a necessity.

I do appreciate that it is hard not to think 'Oh FGS' when someone comes back with a load of the wrong shopping, but equally I have to agree with the posters who have said that coming in after a long day's work, having to go to the supermarket and then getting it in the neck for bringing the wrong Pringles doesn't show much gratitude or tolerance.

The things the OP says her dh said to her are very unpleasant and I would be hurt if my dh said them to me - he doesn't sound like a terribly nice person, according to the OP. But I am aware that we don't know what she said to him or what she called him, apart from her saying he ought to be able to read a shopping list if he could do a job like his - which is rather belittling.

I am inclined to think that there is fault on both sides here, and both parties need to look at their behaviour and how they communicate in their relationship. I also agree that the OP needs to learn to drive and get some independence for herself, as I can appreciate she feels very isolated and dependant at the moment, which unbalances the relationship.