to think my shoutiness as a mother is somewhat atoned by the fact that I am overall very attentive and loving (dh disagrees)

[emkana]

Dh, when he does catch me shouting at the kids (often he doesn't because he's in work ) is always really shocked and concerned etc

BUT while I don't like myself shouting I hope and believe that I make up for it by spending lots of time with them, really talking to them and listening to them, doing lots of fun stuff, telling them I love them a lot, and and and...

while dh might be more patient and hardly ever raises his voice but then he's at work full-time (I'm a SAHM, children are 8,6 and 3) and even when he is around - he does stuff with them but is more likely to be distracted/doing his own thing.

So, over to you, MN jury.

i bloody hope so

DH is right
shouting as con flict resolution is not good.
I was reading something about young offenders and escalation in problem solving and its all role modelling
i raise my voice abotu once a month - it is possible, kids onyl a bit older than yours.

My Mum was a shouty Mum but she is my best friend in the whole world!

you need to read HTT.
Sorry shouting is never ever good.

if you are " really listening " to them why arent you listening as problems escalate?
try HTT its so so good. I use it professionally too and it really makes kid.. er.. listen and er.. talk

Oh come on! A bit of shouting is alright. Crikey... Doesn't sound like your DH is in charge of the kids much, maybe if he helped you more you wouldn't shout so much.

oh yes the odd" pick up your socks" after you haev told them several times etc
but not as first recourse.. and never if you are tired etc... that is the very moment to lower your voice ominously

also most parents imo OVEr instruct and nag boringly

the words lose value

It's not so bad if you're consistent. My mum was all the lovely things you are, but also prone to shouting and apparent rage for seemingly trivial things one day, then laughing when we broke the medicine cabinet the next.

It didn't screw me up or anything but it was scary sometimes, and I'd have preferred it if we knew what the actual rules were.

My dad used to say 'Sheila' in that soothing, slightly disapproving tone when she shouted and as you would imagine that made her worse.

I'm 38 and have never heard my dad speak or shout in anger. I don't know what that would look or sound like. But I know my mothers shouting and anger only too well.

I don't think shouting is necessarily bad per se. I mean, it is a valuable lesson to be learnt that even if someone shouts at you they do still love you and it can be resolved or even just forgotten. DH comes from a really unshouty family - they are literally terrified of raising their voices to each other or even of disagreeing, whereas I come from an extremely shouty family who will yell at the slightest provocation but who are all good at simply moving on once it's over. DH's family will all stew for weeks and months and nurture resentment over the tiniest slights and they are all terribly afraid of confrontation rather than seeing it as a normal part of life, if a slightly unwelcome one.

I do actually think that it is fine to express anger as long as you are also able to express forgiveness and love. There is nobody in the world who never gets angry, surely? Better to be able to give voice to it than to let it fester and be unable to deal with the feelings or the problem, IMO.

My dh can be a bit like yours Emkana, but then give him some intensive time with the children when they are playing up and he gets grumpy with them too.

but it shouldnt be the only way you resolve conflict
the "have it out" mentality

Agree with horton

If you don't like yourself shouting, then why don't you look up some other ways of discipline, etc?

I think that if you are loving etc the rest of the time, that is obviously better than someone who shouts all the time and is never loving, but still, shouting is not great if used often. And especially if your DH is shocked by it!

But also, I think we can beat ourselves up about things too much. We don't know on here what you mean by "shoutiness" - impossible unless we know you to know what your definition of shouting is or how much you consider to be a lot. So some people might be imagining different scenarios when they reply.

its not the only way I resolve conflict and I make a point of talking things over once I've calmed down.

But my temperament is a lively one, whereas dh's isn't...

I think you're right emkana, it's more important to be engaged with them and emotionally available. It's easy to not shout if you're not involved with the children and not responsible for their day to day care. Of course it is ideal to not shout, but quite difficult to be perfect.

I hate shouting. I do find myself doing it now and then esp on the mornings when we are late for school or at bedtime when they won't go to sleep. I know it's wrong though, and a kind of abuse of authority.

Sadlou, you are really overthinking this.

Fine but hat is what i know research shows into kids who end up in trouble

hey maybe academic research rather than anecdotal evidence is " overhtinking" ? anna

It's not usuallu anger you are expressing when you shout though is it?
I mean how often is it really about anger?
It's more frustration or tiredness, and I am not sure that shouting is the best way to express that

wot you're saying my children will turn into delinquents?

I think a house of calmness at all times would be boring.

It isn't about listening to your children either. If I am shouting about the bus coming down the hill, and my children are running around with tights on their heads, I am not going to think, ooh we'll miss the bus so I can work out what they are really trying to say here.

Sadlou81, what is HTT?

my mum shouted at me and as other poster - we are bestest friends.

my theory is if you shout/tell them off but they still show that they like you - want to play with you/tell you things/other forms of positive regard then you're prob doing just fine

It's the book How to Talk So Your Kids will Listen