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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think my shoutiness as a mother is somewhat atoned by the fact that I am overall very attentive and loving (dh disagrees)

72 replies

emkana · 12/03/2010 20:43

Dh, when he does catch me shouting at the kids (often he doesn't because he's in work ) is always really shocked and concerned etc

BUT while I don't like myself shouting I hope and believe that I make up for it by spending lots of time with them, really talking to them and listening to them, doing lots of fun stuff, telling them I love them a lot, and and and...

while dh might be more patient and hardly ever raises his voice but then he's at work full-time (I'm a SAHM, children are 8,6 and 3) and even when he is around - he does stuff with them but is more likely to be distracted/doing his own thing.

So, over to you, MN jury.

OP posts:

MadamDeathstare · 12/03/2010 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts · 12/03/2010 21:07

HTT is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, it is a book about communication skills, but tailored towards the parent/child relationship. It is good though. I don't just use the techniques when I am talking to DS but to all sorts of people.

larks35 · 12/03/2010 21:08

I don't have experience of being a mum of 3, but I do have to teach classes of 28+ and have resorted to shouting, but I've realised that although shouting has the immediate effect I want, it doesn't make for a co-operative, comforatable environement. So, kids might do what I say for a while but they put up a barrier to listening to the lesson and enjoying the experience.

I also find that by shouting I've got myself into a state that makes me more flustered and the naughtier kids see it and "play me up" more. It's a lose-lose situation TBH.

I know that when I shout I have lost the argument or more realistically have lost my own self-respect and the chemical reaction inside me is horrible. My advice is to avoid that feeling. Saying all this I only have 1 DS and he's only 14 months and I'm sure I'll shout at him a good few times and feel shit after..... Oh the bloody guilt of being a parent....

BertieBotts · 12/03/2010 21:09

My mum used to apologise if she shouted at us - later, once everyone had calmed down. And we'd usually say "That's ok mummy, I have thought about XYZ and I am sorry too" and actually mean it.

LeSingeEstDansLarbre · 12/03/2010 21:09

i really must read that book again. i don't shout so much as 'warn', you know like 'i've asked you twice now, don't make me ask you three times' but tbh i heard dd telling one of her dollies this the other day and it just sounded terrifying...

ReneRusso · 12/03/2010 21:13

Ah. I have that book. Never heard of it being called HTT before.

mrsruffallo · 12/03/2010 21:15

And I don't think that being nice the rest of the time cancels out shouting. I just don't.
There is something terrifying about your mum's contorted face screaming at you.
They are much smaller than you,remember

BertieBotts · 12/03/2010 21:16

Lol Lesinge

gaelicsheep · 12/03/2010 21:18

I'm quite a shouty mum. It's just the way I am - I flare up quickly and calm down quickly. I always apologise and we have a cuddle and it's all fine. I don't believe DS suffers because of it. Like Emkana, I also spend loads of time talking with DS, cuddling him, telling him I love him, singing to him, etc. etc. None of us are perfect and if shouting is my only bad trait as a mother (and I doubt it) then I'm not too worried.

ImSoNotTelling · 12/03/2010 21:19

Also ones person idea of being shouty is different to anothers.

To some it means screaming really loudly and intimidatingly, others will consider themselves to have been shouty when they have raised their voice once.

I would agree that constant screaming is bad. But i raised my voice a few times today - toddler and a baby, everyone's ill and tired and cooped up together and there was wee on the floor and everything was awful. I was tired and frustrated, as was the toddler.

I am about it as I think that children need to understand that everyone has a breaking point, and that it is not a good idea to go there. When my mum very occasionally lost her temper it was serious and that is fine IMO. To be cool and calm at all times no matter what is a bit robotic in a way, it's not showing the whole range of human emotion and expression.

Having said that I know a family who all shout all the time, which would freak me out as well.

Everything in moderation as they say.

ImSoNotTelling · 12/03/2010 21:21

"There is something terrifying about your mum's contorted face screaming at you."

Well yes.

But then some people will say they have been shouty if they have spoken a bit louder than normal.

As usual on MN we are probably all talking about completely different things!

MillyR · 12/03/2010 21:24

DS says I'm not a shouty mum, I just have a loud voice. So I suppose it depends what people mean by shouting.

My mum was shouty. In fact she still is. She would flare up, apologise and then it would all be forgotten. I far prefer that approach in emotional relationships. I am not very good at reading other people, and I hate it when things have got to be talked about for ages and everything gets made into a big scenario. Sometimes there is a real problem that needs resolving, but a lot of ill feeling between people who love each other is just tiredness, or irritability or whatever. It is temporary doesn't mean anything.

LeSingeEstDansLarbre · 12/03/2010 21:29

yes i do agree with that, my mother was shouty BUT never a sulker. i think all that sulking bullshit much more harmful to kids than saying 'you lot are driving me MAAAAD' or whatever.

Skegness · 12/03/2010 21:34

I think emotional warmth is the most important thing for parents. Most lapses are forgiven and forgotten if that's there.

ImSoNotTelling · 12/03/2010 21:35

Was just thinking that as well lesinge.

A person who isn't shouting isn't necessarily doing it better, and may well be doing it a lot worse.

My mum was a bit of a sulker and it's horrible. Withdrawing. At least someone who shouts and then says sorry is still communicating with you.

Original poster

emkana · 12/03/2010 21:38

Yes my mum just gave me the silent treatment and I hated it.

OP posts:

McBitchy · 12/03/2010 21:40

i shout but then i have 3 teenagers

LeSingeEstDansLarbre · 12/03/2010 21:42

are you nao, bitchy?

gaelicsheep · 12/03/2010 21:43

DS made me so so angry the other day - more angry than I'd ever been with him before. My reaction shocked me as I could barely bring myself to accept his sorry or even talk to him. If I was like that with him on a regular basis instead of shouting I'm sure that would be much more damaging. I'm pretty sure it was a one off though (well I'm determined that it will be).

Georgimama · 12/03/2010 21:44

My mum shouted. And smacked (shock horror).

DH's mum sulked, or rather withdrew in manic depressions and refused to look at him for months on end when he was only 3 years old.

You don't need to be a genius to work out which was more harmful.

TheCrackFox · 12/03/2010 21:54

It is quite a rare event for me to shout but TBH I think to never shout at the DCs is a bit too Stepford Wives for me.

I think it is healthy for Dcs to learn that, just sometimes, if they are being irritating they will get irritating behaviour back.

McBitchy · 12/03/2010 22:17

Le singe vous est poirot ?

Original poster

emkana · 12/03/2010 22:19

vous etes you mean?

OP posts:

LeSingeEstDansLarbre · 12/03/2010 22:23

did i see you in the paper recently? if so your dh is un renard.

McBitchy · 12/03/2010 22:25

yes - bad pics and lies damned lies the whole thing!

(who are you!!)

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