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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset that my husband is going on a stag weekend on my first ever Mothers Day?

98 replies

roslily · 12/03/2010 14:34

and to say to me that it doesn't really matter until ds i sold enough to buy me something (he is 6mo)

I was annoyed and now I am just upset.

OP posts:

Shodan · 12/03/2010 17:14

Yes, you're right, Morris.

It's not the specific day thing I'm querying, just the 'oh he's not your child, he's your dh, you must wait till your dc is old enough to make/buy something/do something nice' attitude.

It's good for a father to show his dcs that mums are worth appreciating, I think.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 12/03/2010 17:49

oh dear Roslily. To say that you should deal with your son's crying because "you wanted him" is just despicable. What a pathetic excuse of a man he sounds.

I must say, any man would only ever say that to me once! I very, very rarely think that parents should split - but on this occasion, if that is how it is at all times then my goodness, but he would have a stark warning from me that he would be out of my life if he didn't grow up.

GeekOfTheWeek · 12/03/2010 18:00

Your responsibilty because you wanted him?

The man is a prick.

Original poster

roslily · 12/03/2010 18:09

I have been very close to leaving him, but I have nowhere to go. He refuses to leave our house. I have no car and live in walking distance from my work. I couldn't afford to rent somewhere at the same time as paying mortgage.

At the moment it is more like it, than its not- if that makes sense. If I say it is over and go away with family for a bit he apologises and changes for a while.

He says all manner of nasty things to me, but at least I stand up to him now. I'm short he is a bully.

OP posts:

Clarissimo · 12/03/2010 18:17

He sounds horrid Rosilly, sorry but he does (never seen any of your other posts, sorry)

Now prats can change bnut they have to want to, and that may take counselling.

I think you need to get some advice about your optiopns becuase if he is saying nasty things to youo etc that is at the least bordering on abusive if not actually (as I have no idea what he is saying I can't judge there)

CAB could help, orn put through your income on entitled to to get figures.

Ask a solicitor (plenty on here) about the house paying etc- why should you pay the mortgage if youa re raising the baby and he won't shift ass out (but have no idea of what actually happens tbh)

Good luck.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 12/03/2010 18:37

roslily, do get yourself an initial appointment with a solicitor. I'm not an expert but I am sure they will have dealt with these 'I won't move out' men before. Information is power.

At the moment he is grabbing any power he can and abusing it - saying he won't move out is a prime example. He really needs to man up - keeping hold of you by saying that just shows how desperate he is - he knows you don't respect him, I would say.

messymissy · 12/03/2010 18:46

Mother's day is important to me - my ex did nothing on my first one saying 'well its not like its your birthday or anything' but to me it was more important, I've had loads of birthdays but never had a mother's day and so I can see why you are a hurt.

Tell him to have fun at the stag, but make the following sunday a day for you all as a family.

TheCatAteMyGymsuit · 12/03/2010 18:58

yabu, but this is not really about Mother's Day is it? It's the general way he's treating you (ie like crap).
Anyway, surely he has the wherewithal to get you a card (and pretend it's from your baby of course), which is all Mother's Day really amounts to.
(And I speak as a MD fan - I was even born on it, back in the days when it was called Mothering Sunday).
(too many brackets, sorry).

LittleSilver · 12/03/2010 19:02

Apologies OP; I posted on a initial skim read. YABU about the mother's day thing, but there's a lot more to it and you husband sounds; well, not much of a man. II am so sorry. Other people have posted some excellent advice.

RomillyJane · 12/03/2010 20:23

yabu. about the initial thing anyway

groundhogs · 12/03/2010 21:29

Roslily, your DH doesn't sound too nice tbh, so the best thing for me would be that he has gone off and leaves you to have a lovely day with your DS.

BTW, Mothers Day is for the DC to show their mother how much they are appreciated. DH has a mother, and it isn't you. Anything your DH does on behalf of DS is all about DH. Soon - time will fly - your DS will be making things for you, buying you flowers and cards.

Your time to be spoilt will come, your DS will spoil you and it's WAAAYY better than any spoiling from a pretty nasty DH.....

be patient, your time will come, keep standing up for yourself. They don't like it, but you have to be strong. You need to teach your DS how to treat women, if you don't stand up to DH, he'll learn from him....

MrsSawdust · 12/03/2010 21:57

I think groundhogs makes an excellent point about what your ds will learn from his father about how to treat you, and women in general.

This man doesn't deserve to have a son if he thinks that he doesn't need to take any responsibility for him. You 'trapped' him? What did you do, force him to have sex with you? What a prick.

2rebecca · 12/03/2010 22:33

YABU. The kid is too young to fuss over you and you're not your husband's mother. it's not wives day, I don't get why some women expect their husbands to make a big fuss. Mother's day doesn't really happen until the kids are old enough to want to do stuff for you, and even then I think alot of women are OTT in their expectations. A card and a kiss is fine.

June2009 · 13/03/2010 02:12

yanbu, it'll never be your first mother day again will it.
it's no the stag do though is it (he would resent missing it wouldn't it and that would give a bad vibe to your mother day I think), it's the fact he said it doesn't matter that sucks.
do something nice for yourself with your baby.

BitOfFun · 13/03/2010 02:45

I think the Mother's Day thing is just throwing into relief exactly how crappy this set-up really is.

Please get some advice on how to get out and give yourself the chance of some real happiness, not just the show that is the day the card manufacturers think you should buy an illusion on.

SeaTrek · 13/03/2010 08:10

YABU

I wouldn't think it was unreasonable for my DH to do something like this on my birthday either.

If it means that much to you, then I think the suggestion of postponing it a week is a good one.

SeaTrek · 13/03/2010 08:12

I'm sorry, Rosily, I have only just picked up that this thread has moved on a lot since your first post - and there is a lot more to this than simply mothers day.

FatherOfTwoBoys · 13/03/2010 08:33

I agree with other posters that Mothers Day has just highlighted the fact that your partnership with your husband is not working for both of you. Before you take the advice of other posters and either walk out or phone a solictor, it may be worth deciding whether you want to make your relationship work and if so, what steps to take. Rather than focussing on your child, which seems to lead to arguments, perhaps discussing the relationship betwen the pair of you, to what extent others can now babysit for you two to go out occasionally and rekindle what you had before etc

Jackstini · 15/03/2010 10:42

Hi Rosily - did you have a good day? Just wondered how you were feeling now.

FanjolinaJolie · 15/03/2010 10:48

YABU

But to help you work through your upset why not plan yourself a Spa Day with a friend on Fathers Day weekend?

Rhubarb · 15/03/2010 13:16

Your dh sounds very selfish. He didn't want babies. When you got pregnant he didn't want it so he sulked like a child - did he support you in any way through the pregnancy? Go to any scans? Was he there at the birth? He doesn't like trains so he uses the car.
He wants to go out so sod your feelings.
He won't move out of the house.

Just to put it in perspective, can you tell us of any times he has actually done something for you? Been emotionally supportive at all?

Call up your local CAB because their advice is free. If you bought the house together and both pay the mortgage, then I think you have certain rights over the house. Whilst you cannot force him to leave, you can make it clear that you are seeing a solicitor and you want an agreement made on the house.

Could you not look at rented places? If you are paying for a mortgage I'm sure you could afford rent for a small property, even if it's a one-bedroomed flat, it will do short term until you decide between you what happens with the house (he may not be able to afford the mortgage on his own, if he sells you are entitled to half).

It's a big decision to go it alone, but if your dh is a bully and he refuses to change, it's better this way than have your ds looking up to a bully of a father.

tootyflooty · 15/03/2010 13:52

it's ok to feel upset, but a stag do is a one off event, it does sound like maybe he doesn't show his appreciation for you generally, and that is a seperate issue. your dh could however have got you a card and a little gift and left it somewhere for you to find in the morning, but not all blokes would think to do that.I would try and not show you're upset, but I would definatly do something yourself on Fathers day but in a noncholant way so it doesn't just look like tit for tat. sorry if that's not good advise but the bitch in me would do something like that

Rhubarb · 15/03/2010 13:57

CAN ALL POSTERS READ THE OPS LATER COMMENTS ABOUT HER DH

Sorry, but it might change your advice to her.

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