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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that my husband is going on a stag weekend on my first ever Mothers Day?

98 replies

roslily · 12/03/2010 14:34

and to say to me that it doesn't really matter until ds i sold enough to buy me something (he is 6mo)

I was annoyed and now I am just upset.

OP posts:
ACretinoidPsychoanal · 12/03/2010 15:00

yabu

Rhubarb · 12/03/2010 15:01

roslily, if there are any other wives of the men on the stag do, who are also mothers, I'll bet they are giving their blokes an earful too.

BUT, there will be plenty of Mothers Days to come and I'm sure he will spoil you on his return. There is, hopefully, only one stag do however. Don't make him choose between you and his mates over a commercial date. When your child is old enough to make you something you will appreciate it all the more. It is not up to your dh to pamper you on this date, that is what Valentines Day and birthdays and anniversarys are for. There are enough of these blasted commercialised days to keep you going, don't insist on this one.

skinsl · 12/03/2010 15:01

mine is on a stag do too. and he's already gone, and there is no card. But DS made one in nursery.
your DH can't really help the timing of the stag do, but he could make a bit of a fuss as it's your first one.
I would really like DH to make a fuss, until DS is old enough to. this is my 3rd one, he has been away for 2.

OrmRenewed · 12/03/2010 15:02

That's a shame but I think YABU. I think that some men get so used to Mother's Day being a simple matter of a card that they feel obliged to give their dear old mum once a year, they don't think to apply it to their own partners. Once your LO is at nursery/school it will change.

geordieminx · 12/03/2010 15:03

I wouldnt say YABU, as although I can understand what everyone else is saying that its just a day yadda yadda, I would be mightly pissed off too.

Having said that, it is mothers day, which means your ds will be spending it with his mother.

Take dh's credit card and sort the following:

Nice stuff to have for breakfast on Sunday morning -croissants/bacon/nice juice whatever. Ok so you'll have to make it yourself, but at least it will be made the way that you want it

Think of somewhere nice to go on Sunday -into town perhaps - a bit of retail therapy (at dh's expense of course), and some nice lunch at a lovely restuarant. You and ds - you will have a lovely time.

Oh and make sure you have a bottle of something nice for Saturday night, and a take-away and a good chic flick

Make the most of the weekend - do all the things that you would like to do.

DarrellRivers · 12/03/2010 15:03

this is why i hate 'mother's day'
when i was little i used to make my mother something or pick some flowers and try and be good for the whole day
it wasn't anything to do with my dad, who would be doing mothery things for his own mum
Let him go on his stag FGS, YABU

skinsl · 12/03/2010 15:04

I think the point is that as DS isn't old enough to make a fuss, then DH should make a bit of a fuss

Jackstini · 12/03/2010 15:07

I don't think YABU to be upset.
A dh should make a bit of a fuss of you on md until ds is old enought to do it himself.
However, if he is really close to the stag and it is not his fault re the dates, I guess you have to let him go - but he should leave behind a large box of chocs/lovely flowers and a very nice card

Clarissimo · 12/03/2010 15:08

It's not nothing if it means something to you is it? Mothering sunday emans different things to different people I think

I'd think YABU if you banned him from going but I would certainly say YANBU to say that your feelings are hurt, and express that

TinaSparkles · 12/03/2010 15:11

Can't believe so many are saying YABU. I know i t s only a date but you are entitled to feel part of it especially being your first one.
Your DC generally know nothing about their first few birthdays but doesn't mean you wouldn't want to mark the occasion.

Hopefully your DH will remember to thank you on behalf of his child for being a wonderful mum in some ther way.

VoilaAnotherGimlet · 12/03/2010 15:15

I don't think yabu to be upset either. I take it father's day will be brushed off in a similar manner? It's not so much the being away aspect as the way your DH has disregarded your feelings, I'm sure if he'd said he was really sorry to be missing it you wouldn't be so upset.

CirrhosisByTheSea · 12/03/2010 15:15

Sorry you feel crap roslily. It is hard to go back, and even harder to do full time, when they are so little.

I really would use your feelings on this to spur you on to talk to your husband about how you feel. If you 'hang' these feelings on mother's day, you will let him off the hook. He will be able to think "oh, she's fussing about nothing".

If you talk frankly about your feelings about how he sees you as a mum, and his lack of positivity about you, then that is not so easily swept aside.

By the way do you praise his skills as a dad?

Sometimes it takes one to start this kind of remark and the other one will follow suit.

On Mother's day, if this were me, I would dress your DS up in one of his loveliest outfits, take some lovely pictures of him, and buy yourself a lovely bunch of spring flowers and just take some time to appreciate how much YOU enjoy being a mum

thesecondcoming · 12/03/2010 15:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SouthMum · 12/03/2010 15:16

YABU - Id be a bit peeved but not enough to ask him not to go to a stag weekend. You can do mothers day the weekend after and have an extra special one.

isoldeone · 12/03/2010 15:39

not go on the stag weekend - YABU - tis only timing.

about not marking it and "getting" something from DS (ie from DH) - YANBU

if you are the poster I think you are ( I was an early lurker on that professional forum) and the thread that dates from early jan 09 ( my ds is also 6months) I think your other half is completely out of order and being very thoughtless with everything you went through.

I've just been making granmotherday cards for the mill and my mum.( handprints and photos so they can do the boasting thing with friends) We are going up to mil sunday afternoon; negotiated with mum not to be there. Its a big deal in some families.

I am also excited that I'm finally going to be a mum on mothers day. This time last year I wept becuase I thought it would never happen. I'm only expecting a card and maybe a bunch of flowers from dh- not grand gestures like dinners or pampering spa sessions ( my sil had this). but that means a lot . When I get the first "proper" one from ds that will be another milestone granted and beats dinners and the like into a cocked hat( not that I want those).

but no roslily YANBU

Im not expecting huge ridiculous amounts

yosushi · 12/03/2010 15:47

YANBU - if it means a lot to you then it would be good if your DH could show appreciation - if not on Sunday then to make it happen on another day and spoil you.

Original poster
roslily · 12/03/2010 15:55

Sorry, I haven't asked him not to go. I am more upset that he doesn't think it is important in the slightest. He just asked me if I wanted a card.

I would happily accept (on any day of the year) a lie in past 6am, a thank you for the fact he has never done a night feed, him to take ds out for an hour so I could read a book/have a coffee, have a nap. Not expecting flowers or anything.

OP posts:
Clarissimo · 12/03/2010 16:00

TBH Rosily I think you can expect that whatever day it is!

And frankly, if you are going back to work FT then half of all of it is his job not ours

Let him go but try and find somewhere for yourself to go for a break soon, and spend the next few days viewing hotel brochures

thesecondcoming · 12/03/2010 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 12/03/2010 16:02

At first thought YABU.

But I think that he said it doesn´t matter until your son is old enough to buy something is mean.

When´s that-his first job?

Can you have a lovely day with your own Mum,OP?

MorrisZapp · 12/03/2010 16:02

YABU about the stag do but not in general if he is an unappreciative git.

The issue isn't mothers day is it, it's about feeling appreciated in general.

I couldn't give a toss about the day on the calendar (apart from Christmas, can't really move that one) and as long as I feel loved etc I don't care when my DP etc pamper me.

Mothers Day is like weddings - meant to be lovely and wonderful but in fact the cause of much stress, politics and ill feeling.

Problem in most families is that there isn't just one mother - many women are mothers but also have mothers of their own. Your DP has a mother of his own (I assume, sorry if not), does she mind him going away on her special day.

I have a mum and a gran who both think that they should be number one on mothers day. My sister and I try to please them both and nobody notices or mentions that actually my sister is a mother too.

Sorry I'm rambling. Talk to your DH, let him go on his stag but talk to him about the deeper stuff. It won't solve itself. Good luck and happy mothers day when it comes.

yosushi · 12/03/2010 16:03

mind your language secondcoming!

LeQueen · 12/03/2010 16:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nubbins · 12/03/2010 16:05

YANBU, I think your DH should show some appreciation of you being mother to his child even if your DC is too young. I would be miffed, but not want him to not go away.

Buy yourself a box of chocs on behalf of your little one and make sure you have scoffed them all by the time he gets back.

Ivykaty44 · 12/03/2010 16:06

It is mothers day - your dh is not your child, get your baby to sort you out sumat or spend the day with your baby. Yabu to expect someone other than your dc to sort out mothering sunday

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