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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In regards to death due to suicide

103 replies

RedRedWine1980 · 11/03/2010 22:11

To think if people can't have some respect for the grieving family left behind they should truly shut the hell up?
Someone dies of cancer/in a car accident its 'aww thats so sad, such a tragedy' somebody comits suicide and on top of mourning that persons sad demise you have to hear people opinions on how 'selfish' and 'cowardly' it is?

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 11/03/2010 22:15

I can see how it's hurtful but sometimes it's said because they are angry on the bereaved's behalf and/or feel that they might be helping by indicating to the bereaved that it's OK to be angry with the deceased.
But sadly there are insensitive whangers everywhere, and probably just as many who will blame a cancer death on the deceased's smoking or sunbathing, or a car crash on drinking etc...
Sorry for your loss.

Original poster
RedRedWine1980 · 11/03/2010 22:16

I agree with that as well - 'ooh car crash- was he drinking/driving too fast?'

Ahhh some people!!!

OP posts:
MrsC2010 · 11/03/2010 22:17

YANBU. My best friend killed herself when we were 18/19...and the number of people who were totally thoughtless in their dealing of it was horrible. Most of it was well intentioned I'm sure, but horrible none the less.

abbierhodes · 11/03/2010 22:17

I feel your pain. Just ignore them. No one else's opinion matters when it comes to your personal grief.

laweaselmys · 11/03/2010 22:19

I'm sorry for your loss. I think a lot of people just don't know how to handle death at all, there always has to be blame not just terrible things that happen.

BigBadMummy · 11/03/2010 22:20

My BIL took his own life last summer and we had lots of the "how selfish" comments from people. It was part of the reason why his parents tried to keep how he died quiet.

People are very judgemental about suicide.

And actually knowing my BIL as I did, it wasn't selfishh or cowardly. In some respects it was brave.

He couldn't deal with life as he saw it and didn't want to be around anymore so he did what he felt was the only thing he could do.

Yes we have been angry at what he did, but not necessarily with him.

Some people just dont "get" that.

onadietcokebreak · 11/03/2010 22:20

Couldnt agree more Red.

Grief through suicide often brings feelings of anger towards the deceased as well as a sense of failure..why didnt I see it? Could I have helped. It is hard to reconcile those emotions within yourself or with those close to you.

If anyone had called my friend who died Selfish/coward to my face I would have flipped or broke down.

onadietcokebreak · 11/03/2010 22:21

Sorry for everybodies loses on this thread x

teasle · 11/03/2010 22:22

Agree with you Red.

Original poster
RedRedWine1980 · 11/03/2010 22:25

I had a lecture at uni the other week and the bint was going on about it being narcissitic and an act of revenge. I nearly flew over the desk and grabbed the old fanny by the throat.

Why do people think they have the RIGHT to be so damn judgemental about someones death?

OP posts:
SirBoobAlot · 11/03/2010 22:28

I agree entirely. People are shit, to be frank, and never know how to react to the news of a death, especially under such circumstances, and are often very thoughtless.

So sorry to hear of all of your losses.

GypsyMoth · 11/03/2010 22:28

i have slightly differing views....my bil comitted suicide. i was married to his brother. it started a whole roller coaster with my then husband. he saw the 'glory' his brothers suicide brought him....he saw what it did to his parents,to all of us....so the bastard began using this to control me and get his own way!

not his brothers fault,i realise,but he still to this day,controls and abuses and has attempted 'suicide' many times,over 25 times to be precise.

funnily enough,he has NEVER attempted this in the same way as his brother,successfully chose.....

abbierhodes · 11/03/2010 22:44

Threeblondboys, I think your issue is that you ex is a fuckwit, not that his brother killed himself.

'funnily enough,he has NEVER attempted this in the same way as his brother,successfully chose..... ' I think this statment is a little insensitive given the grief shown by people on this thread.

GypsyMoth · 11/03/2010 22:46

well its the truth!

i lived the aftermath,which wasnt pleasant..

Neverchuckanokiaatthepm · 11/03/2010 22:52

Hellishly sad for the poor family left behind. And it is not for us to surmise how these people are feeling. But, roast me and toast me in the "fires of hell"" for the following thoughts:it is not courageous to drive onto a level crossing to commit suicide (in the press this week) and miss derailing a train by a whisker, killing (potentially) and maiming tens of people and I am speaking generally here and not directing ire personally at the poor posters above. Furthermore there is no courage in the act (such as that of the Shropshire property dealer who went broke recently) in killing your entire family and then yourself because you don't want them living without you(this has got to be the ultimate ego trip)

tiredlady · 11/03/2010 22:53

There are many many different reasons why people commit suicide though.

Some of those reasons may be very uderstandable,whereas some acts of suicide can feel incredibly vengeful and angry.

However, to make remarks to grieving families is unfeeling, callous and unecessary.

Kaloki · 11/03/2010 22:54

This is true, however the key question is, would you tell their family that?

GypsyMoth · 11/03/2010 22:56

never....i understand that. its true. my life has been made hell on the back of my bil suicide.....insensitive or not 'abbie'....its true.

Neverchuckanokiaatthepm · 11/03/2010 22:57

3blonde that is so

Fluffyone · 11/03/2010 23:00

My friend killed herself last November. She'd actually spoken about it before, and I'd told her that I considered it to be a very selfish act. So unkind to the people who are left behind who can never, ever, lose the feelings of grief and guilt that inevitably follow.
So, I got the call that she'd been rushed to hospital, and arrived to find that she'd "gone". Her DH was away on busines, an 8 hour drive away, she timed it so that he would be away. I had to ring that poor man, first to tell him that she had been rushed to hospital and why. Then, when I rang him to tell him that she was dead I couldn't speak, I was shaking all over with shock and grief, and had to pass my phone to the police. So he drove all those hours knowing what he was coming back to. He rang me when it became to much and I listened to that big kind man breaking his heart.
Sorry, enough emotional outpouring. I'm trying to say that a lot of people, even those like me who have been deeply affected by the suicide of someone close, do feel that it is a selfish and cruel act. I think that you should just quietly tell anyone who starts to talk to you in this way that you don't want to talk about it at all, it is too upsetting. Because I think that they are normally saying these things because they feel for you, and they do feel that you have been cruelly treated by the deceased. It's not right for them to say these things, but I can understand why they do.

abbierhodes · 11/03/2010 23:03

My life has been made hell too, through the hell of losing a person I loved dearly. This is the situation for others on this thread too.

Just because something is true doesn't mean it needs saying when someone is grieving.

abbierhodes · 11/03/2010 23:06

Fluffy, I agree with what you are saying completely. It's one thing feeling angry when you are grieving. It's quite another for people who are not in your situation to say those things.

GypsyMoth · 11/03/2010 23:08

so we should just say te sweet,nice things abbie??? really?

others are being truthful too...

abbierhodes · 11/03/2010 23:11

Can you not really find it in yourself to say nice things when someone is bereaved? I know this is AIBU, but the OP and others are clearly deeply upset.

Kaloki · 11/03/2010 23:11

To someone grieving I think nice things are probably best.

You've understandably had an awful time and are angry, but these people heartbroken by suicide really don't need to hear all the bad things about suicide. I'm sure they are well aware of it already, it not being them that has comitted suicide.