Scary Behaviour in Reception Class

[HarpersBoat]

My daughter is at a good London primary school, in Reception. What I am stressed about is the way her new school friends are acting when at our house on play dates.

MD is very young in the class and started shortly after her 4th birthday, nervous about going from a nice, small private nursery to a "big school" with 200 odd pupils was quite daunting for her and I have tried hard to get her to settle in by inviting her friends to play at our house (as you do!) Se often says she hates going, and is scared in the playground as they are all in together from Reception to Year 6 and it can be a bit rough.

So far she has had a male 5 year old flash her at our dinner table, is this normal?! I know kids play "you show me yours, Ill show you mine.." but isn't 4 a little young? I was gobsmacked when he kept flashing his penis at her and asking her if she wanted to kiss him on the mouth! At one stage he lay on the floor and pulled his pants down and asked her to sit on him!!!

Another school friend, a fairly mature 5 year old, dances in a sexy way to Beyonce's "Put a ring on it" , knows all the dance moves, and was shaking her hips and admiring her midriff in the mirror. She tries to kiss boys on school excursions and seems to act much older and sexually aware in a way I find scary.

When this girl was here to play recently (her mum was sitting there and had come to collect her) and my daughter did not want to show her belly button to her mother, the "friend" started to repeatedly punch my daughter in the stomach and back as she lay cowering on the sofa. Her Mother made no real attempt to stop her and i was mortified. Not wanting to overreact, and discipline someone else's kid, but also freaking out my daughter was getting pumelled.

Most of the trouble seems to be with girls who are mean and friendly one minute mean and violent the next.

Please, has anyone advice on normal behaviour at this age? All her friends in Nursery were so sweet and innocent and now it seems Primary school is full of violent children that have not been taught how to treat people with respect, that are really sexually aware at a really young age. Is it like this at private school too?
Or is this just how it is in London state schools?

Any advice on how to deal with this and how to teach my daughter how to deal with people hurting her, would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for reading.

When my DD started school I set strict ground rules for her friends we had over, which I would set out when they arrived. I used to organise certain activites and when they had done those pop into the room they were playing in every 10-15mins to make sure I was happy with what they were doing until I felt I could trust them.
I would tell her friends off if their behaviour was unsuitable - including table manners.

Surprisingly all the children in her class are clamouring to come over to our house to play even though we do have strict rules to follow.

I disagree with all the people who say swearing is okay - it isn't I'm 43 and I have never sworn and don't intend to start. I would be horrified if any of my children swore.

At school ask the teachers if the lunchtime supervisors can play some organised games for the more timid and smaller children, or if there is a buddy system where they are paired up with an older child. School playgrounds are really manic unless there is some sort of control and I'd be scared there too.

My DD was really small and timid and had similar problems settling in,I had all the girls in her class over one at a time in the first few months until she had made firm friends with a group of them. She's in year 2 now and loves school you wouldn't think she was the shy little girl who used to sit on a bench on her own at playtime.

As a childminder I can tell you it is extremely important (and easier in the long run)to set ground rules for other peoples children in your house. I know it's a bit awkward but the kids don't see it that way - they will be expecting some guidance, they are 5!

Re the over sexualised behaviour, I would be concerned about the little boy. I have Child Protection training and this is something that should ring alarm bells so please have a word with the teacher. That doesn't mean it's not completely innocent BUT it could be that he has seen something to give him this idea and allowing children to see sexual images is sexual abuse in the eyes of the law.

I would absolutely NOT put up with swearing. If a child swore in my house I would say "we don't use that word because it's rude, and hurts feelings, please don't say it again". But immediately, forgive and carry on so it's not a Big issue. If it's a reoccuring problem I would have to speak to the parents. If they didn't act I wouldn't have that child over to play anymore. (unless I'm minding where it all gets horribly complicated of course!)

littlepurple you are so right allowing children to see sexual images IS sexual abuse in the eyes of the law. This is precisely why I have alerted the old bill and they are sending a squad car round to Ed Balls's place to bring him in for questioning re that filthy sex video he and his department have peddling around our primary schools

Don't self destruct bernadette - I am enjoying your posts. I now HAVE to go and watch this video on YouTube. Without having seen it I would say that I think my DS at 7 is probably too young to view it - or at least should not view it without me being there to answer any questions.

jollypirate I would cover your parrot's eyes too

the OP is exactly the reason we opted out of state education

Ah, hello bernadette. You didn't answer my question the other day - what exactly do you teach young children?

Okay - have seen it. Not sure I'd want DS to see that at the moment to be honest - he'll grow up quick enough without having to see that. Think he'd need to be a bit older to cope with that. Anyway - his school is a Catholic one so there are no plans to show it.

I haven't read the whole thread. (sorry, sorry, gavel, anyway...)

Re boy: Penis out, pretty normal. Sit on it, not normal tell school asap.
Re girl: If you don't like the way she treats your DD don't invite her around any more. Any children you do invite to your house do so with groundrules. IF they ever do anything you consider unacceptable just say so. There is no need to be afraid of them or their parents. If anybody makes a big fuss about you telling off their child you probably don't want to socialise with them anyway.

For your daughter's confidence. I think karate is a good suggestion. Not in a 'so she can beat up the bullies way' but (usually) they are very good at teaching confrontation avoidance skills. There will be nice normal people at her school! It will probably be a little while before she finds them past the chaos though. Maybe try and find out who the 'quiet' kids are in her class and invite them round for tea.

Aw Feenie I lost that tangled thread sorry I am fitness coach for pre-schoolers.

Oh, right
How does that work?

Lesson plan = warm up pulse raising endurance routine (tailored for the age group) encourage use of locomotor skills, balance etc a little resistance training using fun prop coloured scarves, dynabands etc. Cool down doing appropriate stretches or yoga positions. They get to learn about muscle groups etc and have a fun illustrated info sheet which discusses healthy eating and that excercise is fun etc. All done to themed childrens music so they are having fun without exercise seeming a chore but a lifelong healthy habit

To the OP
My son is 5. Since start of reception we have had

1. poo bum willy talk. Ignored or given 'the look' if in public
2. an increase in 'boisterous' behaviour, some throwing toys etc occasional hitting out and shoving-dealt with very firmly as he has a younger sister ie reprimanded firmly and made to apologise escalating to time out escalating to toy removal (never actually had to go that far)
3. a bit of waggling willy around when in pyjamas-tend to ignore-not had this in public afaik
4. No swear words but the occasional 'whatever' [horrors]
5. Huge amounts of tedious Ben 10 and Power Rangers talk and role play (neither of which he watches) I must add he has also come on really well with his reading and getting there with writing with v little input from me! Have had a couple of playdates and have dealt with them if they misbehave in the same way. I have come to the conclusion that I am fairly overbearing interventionist and most of the (perfectly nice) mums I know see this as a 'boys will be boys' thing and don't interfere. However-my house my rules-they still seem to want to come over. DS also now goes to Tae Kwon Do (reluctantly)

I would steer very clear of these particular kids tbh. There must be some sweet ones surely??? could she meet up with old nursery friends? (We still do)

not read whole thread (just first page) but i have 2 dds (one just turned 6 (y1) and the other 4.5 in nursery). both in good london state schools.
the behaviour you describe is dreadful and i have not seen.

we get a lot of "poo" humour but that is it.

i am shocked on your behalf. (but i do have girls... but have had plenty of boys come to tea, no issues, again more poo humour but nothing more.

Personally if another child was physically attacking my child i would be hauling them off my DC and reprimanding them there and then and i wouldn't give a rat's arse if the mother was there or not. It is far more important that your DD know that being hit is not acceptable and that you will stand up for her if you see it happening than worrying if you upset another mother who i not reprimanding their bully of a child.

Totally agree with laweaselmys

I am starting to worry about this video. DS starts school in september. he is a summer baby so will be very young when he starts, I'm already worried. What age do they plan on showing this video and will I be warned first, given the chance to see it, and the right to refuse to let him see it?

Dear SE12 mummy, thanks for the sage advice. It is now a couple of weeks later, I have talked to the reception teacher who was really shocked at the behaviour I told her about, that I witnessed at my house from the "flasher" and the "puncher" She told the playground supervisor about it and they are meant to be keeping an eye out...
Still it's a jungle at state school, so many children in one class, I dont think they can handle all the children.

Kittens, thanks for your message, the playground games is a good idea. Did it take your daugther long to feel happy at school. My daughter seems to change who she plays with at school each day... and the one girl she seemed to gel with in her class is the one who has been punching her..But I am trying to encourgae new friendships thanks for your words

OMG I am shocked and I am usually open minded. The boy on the flashing his willy and lying down telling your dd to sit on him Your dd being punched for not showing a girl her belly button Why did you not say something, that is classed as bullying. The boy might have witnessed his parents at it a few times so copying that behaviour not necessarily abuse.

Dont worry about inviting kids to your house, let her make her own friends that she is happy with. I would have a talk to the teacher about the boy as it is not appropriate in school to be doing that, it would not be acceptable in public and should not in school.

Bernadette ROFL @ Ed balls and his pono videos

Pixi sorry I dont agree with you what repressive about showing a child what is right and wrong and whats acceptable behaviour and what is not! Yes there will be times when my dd uses swear words leant at school and sometimes home (when i have dropped something heavy on my toe or burned my hand), its my role as a parent to guide her in the right way. Hate this liberal parenting crap sorry

This boys oversexualised behaviour is what you get when you have sex in front of an 18 month as in the other thread on AIBU

Speaking as an inner london, working class mother with children in state schools I may not be qualified to answer but...

Children of this age (spesh boys) often get over excited on 'playdates' and behave in very silly ways to get attention.

I would be alarmed at the 'sit on my lap' scenario but all the other stuff is normal and feck all to do with class.

Before I moved to chavsville I lived in one of London's most deprived/affluent boroughs were the classes were forced to live very closely together. I ecountered foul behaviour from children of all ages and backgrounds and met some wonderful children too. I can honestly say the incidence of backchat, swearing, destructiveness and vileness was evenly spread.

If it were all down to class etc then child abuse/neglect would only happen to poor children and we know that isnt true.

OP its ok for you to tell a small child not to punch your little girl in the stomach and ok for you to tell a little boy to put his willy away.

Its your house, dont allow it to happen