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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be absolutely bloody fuming. He FORGOT about her!

77 replies

jeffily · 09/03/2010 21:49

DH and I share childcare of DD. Today was one of my days, but I had to go into work for a couple of hours in the evening. My sister was looking after DD and DH was supposed to be home by 5.30 to take over, do bath and bedtime (usually 6.15) and let my sister go home to have her dinner etc.
As I was leaving work at 6.45 I got a text from him saying that he'd be home in 15minutes! I rang him straight back and he was still on his way home and had basically totally forgotten that he was meant to be at home with DD.
DD wasn't alone, and my sister actually coped really well- she got her bathed and into bed (albeit without her babygro buttoned up and not in her sleeping bag, but in bed and asleep, a minor miracle without her usual full BF before bed!). But I am FURIOUS. I rely on my sister to look after DD once a month for 2 of DH's days when he regularly works away. I need her to feel that she can trust us to be home when we say we will. I know that things come up sometimes, but he didn't even remember that he was meant to be here, he didn't even ring to say that he was going to be late. I hadn't gone through bedtime routine with my sis at all as I thought there as no way she would need to do it.
He has apologised, to me and to her, but I am finding it sooo hard to let it go. It's just not fucking good enough. But what more can he do? I can't bear to sit next to him fuming so have now come to bed to MN and have some space from him.
I need to let it go, don't I? I know I do. Guess it won't feel so immediate in the morning.

OP posts:
TheFallenMadonna · 09/03/2010 22:56

Ah, now you posted after I'd clicked on the thread.

Other people must do it surely? Sometimes?

TheFallenMadonna · 09/03/2010 22:57

No challenge there hmc

Previous post was to Aitch.

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 09/03/2010 23:01

Agree with everyone else. It was out of his normal routine, he forgot (temporarily), your daughter was safe and your sister did well.

I forgot to have lunch with my mother yesterday. She rang at 10am to invite me to lunch at 12.30pm, I agreed.

At 12.45 she rang again - er, where are you, I'm standing outside the coffee shop. SHIT. I had forgotten to the point where I had already eaten my sandwich and was contemplating whether to go shopping.

Nice to see the 'he's only male, therefore we can't expect as much' nonsense shot down.

hmc · 09/03/2010 23:02

Which is what Aitch? (very curious to know what you are going to say)

AitchTwoOhOneOh · 09/03/2010 23:05

STONE HIM!

hmc · 09/03/2010 23:06

I must stop being so predictable

AitchTwoOhOneOh · 09/03/2010 23:08

lol. i do think that what you were saying was rather more complex than that, i was just boiling it down.

Slartybartfast · 09/03/2010 23:08

i think most people would agree with me

apart from a few oddities hysterical um people

kickassangel · 09/03/2010 23:10

dh once did similar - he usually set an alarm on his 'pick up' days so he wouldn't run over. i switched our days round cos of my work, and he just forgot about it.

he was v v apologetic & i was all ready to 'cash in' (ie, get an extra lie in, so he could prove his penance (joke)), BUT only 3 days later, I forgot that we needed to swap cars so he could pick up furniture. We all do it sometimes.

If it's a regular thing, he needs to improve. But seriously, perhaps setting and alarm on his phone might help in future?

TheFallenMadonna · 09/03/2010 23:12

Consistent hmc - you're consistent.

Original poster
jeffily · 10/03/2010 09:23

My first post to go longer than 2 pages!

Lots to think about. I think the general feeling is that I(was)BU, and I think I agree. I don't always find it easy after a long day to be rational- it is something that drives DH mad and I know that I sometimes escalate little things in my head.

She is PFB. It's obvious isn't it?! And my sis is younger than me, though not very young. It is kind of typical of DH though. I have been working on relaxing about 'reminding' him about things as he feels that I am bugging him and going on if I do (think "I know! Will you stop going on about it..."). I have only gone back to work recently and we are all getting used to the juggling of child care arrangements. I feel guilty about leaving her at all and that doesn't really help. And it is getting used to handing over the responsibility to other people.

I know he feels bad and he will try not to do it again. It's let go.

And I am a bit of a control freak.

OP posts:
templemaiden · 10/03/2010 09:38

I would have been annoyed, but if he had apologised and is genuine then absolutely you have to let it go.

The other morning I went in to get to 2yo DD to find her and the bed absolutely soaking wet through - I had put her to bed without putting a nappy on her!!

Now in 5 years of having children in nappies, I have NEVER done that before. If my OH had gone off on one at me for being a bad mum I would have felt HUGELY resentful!! As it happened, of course I fee guilty for leaving her in a soggy bed all night, but it happened. Making me feel worse about it won't help.

When DD1 was in a carry car seat, several times when taking her to the child minder's before work, I would fasten her into the seat then place the seat in the car without actually fastening the car seat itself in.

We all make mistakes.

I remember reading years ago about a dad in America who was meant to be taking his baby to nursery. The baby was so quiet that he forgot and went to work instead, left the baby in the back of the car all day in a hot car. Tragically the baby died!! Just imagine how he and his wife must have felt.

He made a mistake - he apologised, you have had your fume - time to let go.

pigletmania · 10/03/2010 09:44

YABU my goodness me, calm down, people make mistakes. What else is the poor man meant to do

ineedahero · 10/03/2010 09:58

Wow, templemaiden, that story is absolutely horrifying. The baby in the car story, not the one about your DD with no nappy, obv

I think OP has just written a very resonable post, and I totally get that it's easy to get wound up when you've got a young baby, are probably not sleeping well, and are already feeling guilty about leaving her.

This is a little different, but my DH decided to work late on the first night out I had planned with my friends since DD was born, so I got my sister round sharpish, gave her a crash course in nappy changing, and got the hell outta there!

Point is, sometimes men can be unreliable (sometimes we all can) but it's important to be understanding, have understanding people around you (my sis was fine with it as a one-off and loved having a bit of time with her neice, as I'm sure your sis did) and get on with life!

Glad it's let go now, jeffily, and it's ok to be a bit of a control freak, I am too

templemaiden · 10/03/2010 10:14

Sorry - I hadn't read your post saying you had already let go! I wrote my post in several stages so the thread had continued during that time.

Morloth · 10/03/2010 10:39

Be careful with the furious. One day you might be acting on auto-pilot and forgot her (or something else important).

Your DD was safe and well and no harm has come to her. He has apologised. What more do you want?

DH would get a royal bollocking, and then it would be allowed to slide because I am far from perfect. I would then tease him for the rest of his life about the time he forgot her.

I used to have to put my handbag in the backseat next to the carseat when I first had DS. I was so used to getting out of car, grabbing handbag and walking away that sometimes I completely forgot him - now that was dangerous. Obviously I care a lot more about my DS than my handbag but auto-pilot can take some time to re-programme.

tootyflooty · 10/03/2010 12:24

I understand how you feel, as I am like a dog with a bone when my dh puts a foot wrong and it takes me a while to calm down, but its good amo for the future, you can always bring it up again the next time he does something wrong lol

I like the idea of sending flowers to your sister, so don't have a go at him just ask him to sort out sending the flowers, and see if he remembers to do that !!!

Stigaloid · 10/03/2010 12:28

oh my goodness - let it go and lighten up. DD was safe, sis did well and your DH is human and erred.

WhatFreshHellIsThis · 10/03/2010 12:32

jeffily does your DH do a desk/computer based job? With DP when he has to do something that is out of the normal routine I send an Outlook meeting invitation to his computer with a reminder on it for ten minutes before he has to leave.

Then I don't have to nag him - he can resent his computer for nagging him, not me

mayorquimby · 10/03/2010 12:40

"It's been scientifically proven that they can only concentrate on one thing at a time! "

Didn't realise it was make up your own science to support sterotypes day.

CMOTdibbler · 10/03/2010 12:44

My colleague has that set for herself WhatFreshHell. And my other colleague always sends her DH a meeting request with a reminder to get him home on time when she is travelling

Tortington · 10/03/2010 12:44

its's kick him in manjo day

seeker · 10/03/2010 12:48

Why on EARTH is this such a big deal? The poor sod made a mistake. And why should he apologize to you, for heaven's sake? It was his watch - he made a mistake so he should have apologized to your sister, but why you? Are you his boss?

And your sister"coped". Well, of course she did - would you leave your child in the charge of someone who couldn't manage if for some reason one of you was late home?

And he got home a 7.00 - even if she hadn't gone to bed by then would tha have been a disaster?

FabIsDoingPrettyWell · 10/03/2010 12:59

Bollocks that he is male. He is just as capable or incapable as a woman.

He shouldn't need babysitting and reminding.

He so forgot he was picking her up that he texted you to say he was on his way home and not your sister.

I hope your sister is still willing to look after your dd for you.

TheLemur · 10/03/2010 13:04

lol @ the word manjo!

My DH has literally forgotten about DS, twice (that I know of).

Both times DS (age 2) was asleep in the evening, I was at the gym, and DH popped to the shop. DS was fine so I wasn't angry (more astounded!) but I reminded him a fair few times afterwards that he needed to stay in!