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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To put my food down over how much my partner drinks while we're TTC?

63 replies

AnnieDelores · 09/03/2010 20:31

Help I've just had a massive fight with my other half over drinking.

We have been undergoing fertility analysis. It turns out I'm fine and ovulating normally but he has very low normal sperm forms (just 3%) an "ok" sperm count and "ok" motility.

We've been TTC since July. He used to be a heavy drinker but has now cut down to a beer plus half a bottle of wine 2 or 3 nights per week.

My big problem is....and the reason for the fight.....he is going to a gig tomorrow night and the boys will be drinking from 7pm till arouind midnight. This will probably consist of at least 8 pints each. I've told him I don't think he should go unless he has the guts to tell them he can't drink that much because it will mess up his sperm quality....but you know what men are like.

What do you suggest I do? I'm really stressed out that he will go out and drink 6 or 7 pints because he's out with his old drinking buddies.....and his drinking history isn't good. He says he'll "just have a few beers" and that I need to trust him to do that because he really wants a baby too.

He hardly goes out socialising at all because he was made redubdant a year ago and is struggling to get his own consultancy business off the ground. That's why I feel its important he gets out every now and then because otherwise he'll be miserable.

But...........going out with boys means booze....6,7,8,9, pints of it.....and that will mess up his sperm count and quality and may already be the reason we can't conceive.

Any advice?

Annie

OP posts:

Original poster

AnnieDelores · 09/03/2010 20:32

Just realised that should have said "put mt foot" down not food! Doh. Stress.

OP posts:

MrsC2010 · 09/03/2010 20:36

If it is a one off and he's supportive and with you apart from that surely that's ok? He can't put his social life on hold indefinitely, any ill effects (if he really does drink that much) will only last a couple of days. Does it coincide with your ovulation or anything?

I can't see him wanting to explain his lack of drinking by telling his mates about his sperm problem, can you! If you're going to insist, at least suggest to him that he drives.

paisleyleaf · 09/03/2010 20:38

"He says he'll "just have a few beers" and that I need to trust him to do that because he really wants a baby too".

I know that TTC can put a strain on a relationship, but I think you have to go with him on that.
Unless you are serious that you want to stop him from going out.

BrahmsThirdRacket · 09/03/2010 20:42

It is annoying, but as long as it's a one-off it will be alright. If you make TTC really boring and restrictive he may go off the idea altogether...

LaurieFairyCake · 09/03/2010 20:44

I think you are being very controlling. While I am sure heavy drinking contributes to sperm quality so does stress.

if he honestly wants to improve the quality of his sperm then he should choose to do it - not you. Allow him to make the choice.

nickytwotimes · 09/03/2010 20:45

Yabu.

Give the guy a break.

darkandstormy · 09/03/2010 20:46

don't mean to be mean but, two word...CHILL OUT.

mrsflux · 09/03/2010 20:49

i did a similar thing with dh when we were ttc.
he'd come home drunk - he seemed to be having lots of nights out back then, and either puke or fall into bed and snore like a pig. neither made me want to do the deed which is pretty important in ttc!

we had a long chat about why he was drinking so much - he had issues with his parents divorcing at the time. maybe that would help as it sounds like your dh is maybe not in a good place with work etc

a one off boozy session shouldn't make too much difference. i think i heard somewhere that it takes about 6months for a lifestyle change to affect sperm?!?!?

have a chat and see what he says. dh used the 'i'm driving' excuse a lot when he cut back on the beers.

dinkystinky · 09/03/2010 20:53

OP - I think you're being a little unreasonable, but understand why - I suspect you're worried it will be the start of the slippery slope of him drinking lots again. I think you need to speak to him about your concerns - let him go off on his night out with the boys, have a drink or two (but ask him to also intersperse with soft drinks so he doesnt end up falling over and with a killer hangover the next day) and make sure you have a lovely chilled night in - or out with your friends -that night.

2rebecca · 10/03/2010 08:09

Def very controlling, if my husband had stopped me going out with friends and drinking occasionally then he wouldn't have had a wife to have kids with.
Suspect our first was conceived during a fairly high alcohol holiday anyway, as are the kids of some of my friends.

amber1979 · 10/03/2010 08:50

Stress isn't going to help his sperm. A night out with the lads will relieve his stress. Let him go - he's an adult you can't control him.

It sounds like you both need a break - can you not go and do something fun? Go see some friends yourself?

It's easy to get obsessed when TTC and you know what they say - a watched kettle never boils.

thesecondcoming · 10/03/2010 08:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

amber1979 · 10/03/2010 08:52

what secondcoming said.

amber1979 · 10/03/2010 08:54

that should say is going to harm his sperm d'oh!

GetOrfMoiLand · 10/03/2010 08:55

Totally agree with TSC.

You do need to stop being so controlling. I know you must be stressed and upset but this seriously isn't helping either of you.

Let him go and let off steam.

BariatricObama · 10/03/2010 09:01

sperm i s a fairly complicated matter, which is ironic considering how uncomplicated men are (guffaw). as the previous poster says is thought it takes 6 months for sperm making equipment to recover after any damage.

you really need 2 sperm tests taken 3 months apart to assess sperm.

also from his point of view, is he feeling weirded out, angry, guilty about the sperm thing? you can't control him so don't try. the most frustrating thing about ttc is the complete lack of control. if you start the blame game you might as well give up on your relationship right now.

sit down with him and discuss your feelings together.

you really should have put this in ttc instead of aibu as you are just going to get lots of shit from folk who have no clue what you are going through.

good luck and try not to be too crazed

bearcrumble · 10/03/2010 09:04

I disagree with the majority of the other posters.

If he is serious about improving his sperm count then he shouldn't be drinking beer or whisky at all. This is what my fertility specialist told us.

My husband's sperm count wasn't very good - about 5% normal forms and he worked bloody hard to get it better. He cut out the hot baths that he loved, stopped drinking beer and whisy completely and would have about two glasses of wine a week.

When it was re-tested 3 months later it was 50% normal forms and we went on to have our son (still with IVF because I just couldn't stand to wait any longer).

Your husband can have a good time without getting pissed and the baby should be the most important thing to him.

He doesn't have to tell the boys why he isn't drinking so much, that might be a step too far. Most men really don't like people knowing they have fertility issues. But he can say that he's cutting down for health reasons or even that he can't afford to buy rounds because he doesn't have a job so will be getting his own drinks - that also has the benefit that they can't keep count of what he is drinking.

GetOrfMoiLand · 10/03/2010 09:11

Bariatric is so right - OP you will get a real mixed bag of responses on here, as it AIBU, so brace yourself and don't take it personally.

pigletmania · 10/03/2010 09:32

Bearcrumble though you are probably medically right, one night i dont think will harm and stress can also be a factor too. I have read many accounts of couples trying for years to have a baby, the pleasure is taken out of sex and it just becomes a mechanical act to make a baby, but when people take a break from it, go on holiday or just forget about it, they can concieve naturally. Look at Jamie and Jools Oliver, Jools tried for ages to have her first child, now look she is pg with baby number 4.

If after a period you still have not concieved, you could try ICSI whereby a single sperm is injected into the egg or something.

pigletmania · 10/03/2010 09:33

Too much controlling can not be very helpful and might your dp off, like he is only useful for his sperm and not him and his feelings in all this.

LadyBiscuit · 10/03/2010 09:44

Everyone is assuming that he's going to get bladdered. He has said he's not going to so I think the OP has to take him at his word.

thehairybabysmum · 10/03/2010 09:46

Blimey...as others have said, chill, you sound like his mother!! TSC has it spot on.

Try boot on the other foot...if you wanted to go out wiht your mates and he was telling you what you can/cant do whilst you are on a (rare) night out, how would you feel???

bearcrumble · 10/03/2010 09:48

Pigletmania - I guess one night wouldn't make any difference health-wise but I understand how the OP feels. You want a sign of commitment from your partner, especially when you are doing everything you can to be as healthy as possible and you do get resentful if it seems that the partner isn't as committed as you are to getting you pregnant.

I was probably a bit too controlling in all honesty, but the need was so huge in me...

diddl · 10/03/2010 09:49

I also disagree with most.
I would have expected him to cut out the alcohol completely, and to limit himself to a couple of pints when with "the lads".

Does he want a baby or is drink and appearances for the lads more important?

iggypiggy · 10/03/2010 09:58

I can 100% understand the mentalness that ttc gives you. It makes even the most rational people act in an irrational way.

I remember crying one night for hours because we got back so late from a family thing and DH was too tired, so we missed an opportunity for sex when i was fertile.

To be honest - though - that was a bit of a turning point for me - realising just how much it was affecting me mentally - so that is when I decided to have a break from ttc.

Anyway - frustrating though it is - I think you should just let him go - and try not to worry about it. it's one night - sperm is being made all the time. His mental health and your relationship will prob be better if you just let him go - and that has got to be a good thing.

I do really understand how hard this is tho. x

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