to be pissed off with DH's ex gilfriend

[duvetqueen]

Appoligies for any rambling.

DH has a DD from previous relationship, every week we pay maintainance to dsd's mum. Since crimbo she's been asking for extra money every week saying it's for one thing or another for dsd. DH and I know this is total crap.

The first week his ex asked for more we told her we can only just afford what we currently give her (we've got two kids together and our own bills to pay) we went to pick dsd up and they've just bought a puppy. The next week she wanted more yet she and her partner took dsd and their kids to a play area and for dinner out. Then they got sky but she couldn't send dsd on a school trip and expected me and DH to pay.

AIBU or is she just taking the piss? DH and I very rarely go out every few months if we're lucky coz we can't afford it and can't take dsd, dd and ds out very often either. I know for a factthat dsd'd mum and her partner - neither of whom work - go out every weekend and take their kids and dsd out every other week.

Yet she tries to guilt trip DH saying she needs more for dsd knowing full well that we rarely have money left when bills have been paid and food bought.She makes me so

Why should DH and I give her extra money, on the rare occations we have it, so she can still go out and take her kids out, instead of using our extra money to take our kids (including dsd) out?

Just don't give it. She sounds like she's chancing her arm tbh, use the money to treat dsd when she's at yours instead.

I can see why it's annoying if she doesn't spend what she does have wisely and then expects you to pay for school trip...

Does seem a bit cheeky to me (to say the least) if he is giving her what she is meant to have statutory wise from him and she is also on benefits but then wasting it, knowing that he'll cough up, it's a very frustrating situation. And with his daughter caught up in the middle of it, if you start being more strict on funds, his Ex will say to daughter probably "well you could've gone on school trip but your Daddy wouldn't pay".

What an awful situation. YANBU.

CSA isn't involved but DH hecked their calculator and we were already giving her what they would tell us to pay.

What makes me so mad is that I know dsd won't miss out on school trips / after school stuff etc. coz we can't afford to pay mre than we do, her mum and stepdad would have to miss out on going to the pub for one week.

YANBU. I know it's easier said than done, but you should say no - tell her exactly what you say in your last paragraph! I don't think you should be forking out for extra things if your dh's ex can afford to have a puppy and all the goes with that (which I imagine is not cheap to keep!)

I'm currently on benefits as my hubby and I are separated. I have to count my pennies but I would never waste what I do have and then make my hubby pay instead for things, when he already pays me what he is meant to. We do not go through CSA either. In your situation it would almost be better to though.

does she not have to declare any maintenance to the benefits agency? I'm sure they'd be interested in the extra she is getting...

We keep telling her we simply can't afford it - can barely afford what we give her now. DH's wages only just cover the bills and maintanance for dsd and we have to use tax credits and child benefit to live off.

TBH we are thinking of going through the CSA. But she can be very spiteful when she doesn't get her way and, as we don't have proof that DH has always paid maintaince, we're worried that she may claim he hasn't paid any out of spite.

How have you paid her in the past, by cash?

x-posted issysmilkbottle

She keeps asking for more but we don't give it as we don't have it to give.

Yeah it's always been cash coz DH didn't have a bank account before we met and never thought to pay it into his ex's account so he'd have proof.

Maybe start doing it by Standing Order, say it helps you with budgeting and see how it goes. Then if you do decide to go down CSA route, you can show evidence from now on?

Not that I know a thing about law...

but you knew all about the daughter when you got togther..seems to me, you need to have stuff written down. This will go on until she is 18,then you may FE.to finance. Im sorry, but she isnt going away, and its not her fault.

Could your dh send her a letter explaining that he's already been paying the amount required by the CSA and simply cannot afford to pay any more. That way you have it in writing that he has been paying and you get to address the current situation.

Btw be careful with dsd, my parents talked about this kind of thing in front of me. My Mum would moan about my Dad not paying up and then my Dad's girlfriend would moan about me being in 'rags' when my Dad paid so much. It was a very horrible feeling and still with me donkeys years later.

well she is being greedy, if it's being used on other stuff, not for dd.

If she is on Inc support, then then will have approached her with the csa, to get the money thru the csa. They take a huge % from it and give the mother about £10. She really should keep quiet tbh, if she is on bens. If she isn't then i guess you have to say look thats what we owe and thats what you give her.

fFallon it's not giving his ex money that bothers me, it's the fact that she wants more kowing that we don't have it, even though she goes out every week yet we can only jus pay bills. You're right it isn't dsd's fault but by no means does she go without. Bt why should we, in effect, pay for DH's ex to be able to go out and take her other kids out when we can't take dsd and our kids out?

Sugar we never talk about anything like this in front of the kids. I can't speak for what dsd hears at home though. Saying that though dsd is a bit of a blabber mouth so I'm sure we'd hear about it if she had.

The CSA only backdate to the point contact is made with the non-resident parent telling them they are going to be assessed, so she can't screw you over by saying you've never paid anything before. The CSA won't go back anyway. Therefore she has no interest at all in contacting them, because as has been mentioned, the second the state know about this she'll only be allowed to keep (I think it's £20 a week) a disregard - the rest is deducted from her benefits. There's also the fact that she's been committing benefit fraud, and your DH presumably withdrawing a regular sum every week to pay her which will show up on his statements even if paid over in cash. Frankly she has no way of harming you, and you have of harming her, so spitefulness on her part is an irrelevance.

I'd simply say that you can't afford to pay any extras at all. Then tell DSD casually that if a school trip comes up that she really wants to go on you don't want her left out, so if she brings you the forms you'll fill them in and give her a cheque (made out to the school, obv).

BTW it's also the law that no child can be left out of a school trip on cost grounds, all fees are voluntary, so if her mother is on benefits and you on a low income then you shouldn't be paying anything anyway.

You sound a lovely stepmum, tbh. My own was dire beyond words. Said my father promised her when they married that he wouldn't "waste family resources" by paying any maintenance, and therefore it was only right that he abided by that promise. Which to be fair he was only too happy to accept. So the fact you've been paying regularly and look on your dsd's treats as as important as your other kids is lovely to read.

Don't be bullied. I agree: treats as a family when dsd is with you are important, because she doesn't see you all as much. You're paying what you owe, and as it's a top up on her benefits and she has no rent to pay, if you're on a low income the mother may actually be better off than you, with rents the way they are.

My point about school trips was badly made - basically if DSD wants any extras and you get them directly, instead of handing over £, at least you know they're going to her and not the ex. And I suspect you have no problem with reasonable levels of extra treats for dsd, but with funding treats for the ex and family.

Thanks for the ifo on CSA Confuzled.

You're right about the cost of rent ours is almost half DH's wage.

I just hate feeling like the wicked witch coz I deal with all the money (left to DH we'd be up the perverbial creek) so it's me that has to say we can't go to micky d's for lunch/wacky warehouse etc.

We try to be fair and I wouldn't dream of not paying maintenance or not including dsd in family outings, few though there are.

That's what really drives me nuts - DH's ex asks for extra money yet when we say we don't have it to give she still manages to go out drinking every week so she can't be that strapped for money.

I wouldn't mind if it was dsd asking if we could go to wacky warehouse as a treat or something like that. Like you say it's the fact that it's her mum wanting us to give her extra so she can take dsd and her family that gets to me.

Would you get more tax credits etc if they knew how much you were paying for dsd? Might it work out better for you to go threw CBA?

We wouldn't get any more coz we only have dsd weekends so her mum will be getting tax credits for her.

At the moment we're just telling her we can't give her any more and she seems fine with it, if she starts getting funny about it we'll defo go through the CSA.

It wouldn't be so annoying if it was genuinely needed for things dsd needed but it's not. It's so her mum can still go out every week and still do what ever she wants.

If dsd is missing out on school trips I would be inclined to contact the school and ask for a list of upcoming activities, then pay the school directly and deduct this money from the child support your dh pays to his ex. Keep receipts for all your contributions. If she objected to this, she would have to justify why.

Thats a shame about the tax credits. Is there anything else his payments might affect?

At the moment all the various agencies know his income but dont know what he pays out for DSD, so it isnt recorded anywhere and cant be taken into account.

For example, if you had a mortgage, the mortgage would be taken into account when working out the payments to DSD. If you payed your mortgage in cash no one would know so it wouldnt be taken into account and he would have to pay more to DSD.

I am talking myself into a muddle here!

I suppose what I mean is that you may get more money from somewhere if his maintenance is recorded somewhere and done threw the CSA.

dsd doesn't miss out on school trips coz we can't pay more, it's her mum and step dad who have to lose a bit of their social life.

What makes me mad is she wants more almost every week since crimbo coz she 'can't get dsd new school uniform or send her on a trip' yet she and her partner go out every weekend, they've just got a dog, dsd has dance lessons and gymnastics, they take dsd and their kids out everyother week etc. While dh works bloody hard yet we can't afford to go out except for our anniversary (if we're lucky) and can't take our kids (dsd included) out for a treat.

We've tried applying for housing benefit to hhelp with the rent but they only take into account the cost of living for me, dh, dd and ds. They don't take into account that we pay maintenance for dsd or that whil she's here she obviously needs food/clothes etc.

shes very clever with your DH paying it direct to her. she will be in big trouble if the benefits agency find out.

no wonder she has money to go out every weekend.