to be pissed off with DH's ex gilfriend

[duvetqueen]

Appoligies for any rambling.

DH has a DD from previous relationship, every week we pay maintainance to dsd's mum. Since crimbo she's been asking for extra money every week saying it's for one thing or another for dsd. DH and I know this is total crap.

The first week his ex asked for more we told her we can only just afford what we currently give her (we've got two kids together and our own bills to pay) we went to pick dsd up and they've just bought a puppy. The next week she wanted more yet she and her partner took dsd and their kids to a play area and for dinner out. Then they got sky but she couldn't send dsd on a school trip and expected me and DH to pay.

AIBU or is she just taking the piss? DH and I very rarely go out every few months if we're lucky coz we can't afford it and can't take dsd, dd and ds out very often either. I know for a factthat dsd'd mum and her partner - neither of whom work - go out every weekend and take their kids and dsd out every other week.

Yet she tries to guilt trip DH saying she needs more for dsd knowing full well that we rarely have money left when bills have been paid and food bought.She makes me so

Why should DH and I give her extra money, on the rare occations we have it, so she can still go out and take her kids out, instead of using our extra money to take our kids (including dsd) out?

[claw3]

If your DH's ex and her partner both do not work and claim benefit, dsd would be entitled to have her school trips subsided.

[TottWriter]

Have you thought about the fact that if you go through the CSA the amount your DH pays in maintenence will be taken into account for your tax credits? You will be better off because they will factor in that expense when calculating what they give you, and you could (slyly) tel oyu DH's ex that that might mean you can afford to 'give extra' on occasion.

Of course, by going through the CSA she will be up shit creek with the benefits authorities by the sounds of it, so this would be a good way to test the waters. The more she resists, the more you know she's fiddling you, and you've got leverage to stop her being so indecent about the money. And if she doesn't complain (as in she is declaring the CSA) at least you know it's out in the open, and you should hopefully be better off yourselves.

[duvetqueen]

As far as we know the maintenance we pay is being declared, but it's only her word we've got for it. It just seems that coz she can't be sensible with what money she does have she expects us to bail her out instead of scrapping her social life like we've had to.

[AnneElliot]

It's not the OPs fault at all. I didnt' say it was. It sounds like the feckless ex is the main beneficiary though!

[AnneElliot]

Oh dear... it sounds like the rest of us are paying to bring up your DH's daughter then?

My paying her directly, rather than giving the money to the CSA, the ex ends up with more money than she is entitled to. DH's payment should be re-imbursing the taxpayer. Instead, it sounds like the State is either raising his daughter, or paying for his ex's jollies - depending on how you look at it.

[kylesmybaby]

shes very clever with your DH paying it direct to her. she will be in big trouble if the benefits agency find out.

no wonder she has money to go out every weekend.

[duvetqueen]

dsd doesn't miss out on school trips coz we can't pay more, it's her mum and step dad who have to lose a bit of their social life.

What makes me mad is she wants more almost every week since crimbo coz she 'can't get dsd new school uniform or send her on a trip' yet she and her partner go out every weekend, they've just got a dog, dsd has dance lessons and gymnastics, they take dsd and their kids out everyother week etc. While dh works bloody hard yet we can't afford to go out except for our anniversary (if we're lucky) and can't take our kids (dsd included) out for a treat.

We've tried applying for housing benefit to hhelp with the rent but they only take into account the cost of living for me, dh, dd and ds. They don't take into account that we pay maintenance for dsd or that whil she's here she obviously needs food/clothes etc.

[Aviendha]

Thats a shame about the tax credits. Is there anything else his payments might affect?

At the moment all the various agencies know his income but dont know what he pays out for DSD, so it isnt recorded anywhere and cant be taken into account.

For example, if you had a mortgage, the mortgage would be taken into account when working out the payments to DSD. If you payed your mortgage in cash no one would know so it wouldnt be taken into account and he would have to pay more to DSD.

I am talking myself into a muddle here!

I suppose what I mean is that you may get more money from somewhere if his maintenance is recorded somewhere and done threw the CSA.

[saslou]

If dsd is missing out on school trips I would be inclined to contact the school and ask for a list of upcoming activities, then pay the school directly and deduct this money from the child support your dh pays to his ex. Keep receipts for all your contributions. If she objected to this, she would have to justify why.

[duvetqueen]

We wouldn't get any more coz we only have dsd weekends so her mum will be getting tax credits for her.

At the moment we're just telling her we can't give her any more and she seems fine with it, if she starts getting funny about it we'll defo go through the CSA.

It wouldn't be so annoying if it was genuinely needed for things dsd needed but it's not. It's so her mum can still go out every week and still do what ever she wants.

[Aviendha]

Would you get more tax credits etc if they knew how much you were paying for dsd? Might it work out better for you to go threw CBA?

[duvetqueen]

That's what really drives me nuts - DH's ex asks for extra money yet when we say we don't have it to give she still manages to go out drinking every week so she can't be that strapped for money.

I wouldn't mind if it was dsd asking if we could go to wacky warehouse as a treat or something like that. Like you say it's the fact that it's her mum wanting us to give her extra so she can take dsd and her family that gets to me.

[duvetqueen]

Thanks for the ifo on CSA Confuzled.

You're right about the cost of rent ours is almost half DH's wage.

I just hate feeling like the wicked witch coz I deal with all the money (left to DH we'd be up the perverbial creek) so it's me that has to say we can't go to micky d's for lunch/wacky warehouse etc.

We try to be fair and I wouldn't dream of not paying maintenance or not including dsd in family outings, few though there are.

[Confuzled]

My point about school trips was badly made - basically if DSD wants any extras and you get them directly, instead of handing over £, at least you know they're going to her and not the ex. And I suspect you have no problem with reasonable levels of extra treats for dsd, but with funding treats for the ex and family.

[Confuzled]

The CSA only backdate to the point contact is made with the non-resident parent telling them they are going to be assessed, so she can't screw you over by saying you've never paid anything before. The CSA won't go back anyway. Therefore she has no interest at all in contacting them, because as has been mentioned, the second the state know about this she'll only be allowed to keep (I think it's £20 a week) a disregard - the rest is deducted from her benefits. There's also the fact that she's been committing benefit fraud, and your DH presumably withdrawing a regular sum every week to pay her which will show up on his statements even if paid over in cash. Frankly she has no way of harming you, and you have of harming her, so spitefulness on her part is an irrelevance.

I'd simply say that you can't afford to pay any extras at all. Then tell DSD casually that if a school trip comes up that she really wants to go on you don't want her left out, so if she brings you the forms you'll fill them in and give her a cheque (made out to the school, obv).

BTW it's also the law that no child can be left out of a school trip on cost grounds, all fees are voluntary, so if her mother is on benefits and you on a low income then you shouldn't be paying anything anyway.

You sound a lovely stepmum, tbh. My own was dire beyond words. Said my father promised her when they married that he wouldn't "waste family resources" by paying any maintenance, and therefore it was only right that he abided by that promise. Which to be fair he was only too happy to accept. So the fact you've been paying regularly and look on your dsd's treats as as important as your other kids is lovely to read.

Don't be bullied. I agree: treats as a family when dsd is with you are important, because she doesn't see you all as much. You're paying what you owe, and as it's a top up on her benefits and she has no rent to pay, if you're on a low income the mother may actually be better off than you, with rents the way they are.

[duvetqueen]

fFallon it's not giving his ex money that bothers me, it's the fact that she wants more kowing that we don't have it, even though she goes out every week yet we can only jus pay bills. You're right it isn't dsd's fault but by no means does she go without. Bt why should we, in effect, pay for DH's ex to be able to go out and take her other kids out when we can't take dsd and our kids out?

Sugar we never talk about anything like this in front of the kids. I can't speak for what dsd hears at home though. Saying that though dsd is a bit of a blabber mouth so I'm sure we'd hear about it if she had.

[piratecat]

well she is being greedy, if it's being used on other stuff, not for dd.

If she is on Inc support, then then will have approached her with the csa, to get the money thru the csa. They take a huge % from it and give the mother about £10. She really should keep quiet tbh, if she is on bens. If she isn't then i guess you have to say look thats what we owe and thats what you give her.

[SugarTits]

Could your dh send her a letter explaining that he's already been paying the amount required by the CSA and simply cannot afford to pay any more. That way you have it in writing that he has been paying and you get to address the current situation.

Btw be careful with dsd, my parents talked about this kind of thing in front of me. My Mum would moan about my Dad not paying up and then my Dad's girlfriend would moan about me being in 'rags' when my Dad paid so much. It was a very horrible feeling and still with me donkeys years later.

[fallon8]

but you knew all about the daughter when you got togther..seems to me, you need to have stuff written down. This will go on until she is 18,then you may FE.to finance. Im sorry, but she isnt going away, and its not her fault.

[teaandcakeplease]

Maybe start doing it by Standing Order, say it helps you with budgeting and see how it goes. Then if you do decide to go down CSA route, you can show evidence from now on?

Not that I know a thing about law...

[duvetqueen]

Yeah it's always been cash coz DH didn't have a bank account before we met and never thought to pay it into his ex's account so he'd have proof.

[duvetqueen]

x-posted issysmilkbottle

She keeps asking for more but we don't give it as we don't have it to give.

[teaandcakeplease]

How have you paid her in the past, by cash?

[duvetqueen]

We keep telling her we simply can't afford it - can barely afford what we give her now. DH's wages only just cover the bills and maintanance for dsd and we have to use tax credits and child benefit to live off.

TBH we are thinking of going through the CSA. But she can be very spiteful when she doesn't get her way and, as we don't have proof that DH has always paid maintaince, we're worried that she may claim he hasn't paid any out of spite.