to be upset with people when they ask me what is WRONG with my nephews eye

[addictedtolatte]

my nephew was born without an optic nerve and an eye condition which has left him with a tumour (non cancerous) and a catteract which makes his eye hazey looking. he is also blind in this eye. he is 7 now and has coped remarkebly with this disability. when am out in public with him i get asked by adults what is wrong with his eyes. how rudei constantly have to say "why dont you ask him yourself he is sight disadvantaged not deaf" i just dont want him growing up thinking there is something wrong with being partially sighted.

How rude of them!

Yanbu.

YANBU. It is rude of them to ask and none of their business anyway.

Maybe they dont want to upset him by asking him directly

Generally, adults dont intend to be mean or ignorant about these things, and it is difficult to know what to say, which is why they might ask you instead of him, i cant really see why it would make you so angry, uless they are being particulary mean about it?

i got asked twice yesterday. as he is getting older the condition is getting more noticeable i feel so sorry for my sister who has to cope with this rude behaviour on a daily basis.

Is there any chance that people think he may have something in it or have scratched it and are asking in that 'oh have you noticed his eye looks sore - has he hurt it?' - meaning well kind of way, or is it obvious that it's a permanent 'disability'?

If it's the former - then I guess it's something you/he will unfortunately have to get used to.

If it's the latter then OMFG I can't believe people would ask you in front of him Neither being discreet enough to ask you when he's not there, or upfront enough to ask him!

Yanbu, the way of asking is very rude.

It is hard sometimes though to find the right wording to ask such a question , even out of genuine concern.

Hang on a minute - are people saying that it would be better for strangers to approach a 7-year-old directly and ask him questions, when there is an adult with him? I'd have thought that a quiet question to the adult was more appropriate.

But of course, the problem is that any approach has the possibility to cause offence - look away, and people might be offended, stare, ditto, pretend there's nothing wrong and people could be offended that you won't acknowledge the disability, ask polite questions and you still might cause offence.

i agree with SDTG

OP i think the more you make an issue of it the more you nephew is going to feel he is different, just smile and be open and honest when people ask and stop being so horrified that people might be interested to know

why do people need to know it is not effecting there lives so they dont need to know. i am not suggesting people ask him i just wish they would not ask me in his presence or even ask me at all it is non of there business.

I think people ask to show interest and concern it usually stems from a good intention IMHO.

My son was born with a cleft lip and palate. When people ask him or me, he says he was born with a cleft lip and palate. Bit of bad luck - but he's had more than enough good luck to make up for it - after all, he's got me as his mum.

Clear and factual responses are the way forward.

Don't get angry and upset, your dn will pick it up, and think it's something to get upset about.

People want to know because they're interested in others - and only very occasionally do I find it is in a negative way.

Gorionne's right, addictedtolatte.

And as I said earlier on, some people might be offended if they felt people were ignoring the disability in question, and other people have no way of knowing what approach is going to offend a particular person - so they are doing their best, with the best intentions.

Having a dd with fairly obvious physical difficulties I have to say I find it worse when people don't ask, but just stare! I don't think I've ever been asked what the problem is by a stranger (I live in the South where nobody ever talks to people they don't know though!).

YANBU as such direct questions would probably upset me too, although I guess he may have to get used to it unfortunately.

I cannot see why people would need to ask at all. Unless they are taking a medical history of some sort.

They are being nosey and they have no right to know why his eye is the way it is.

My DS has very severe atopic eczema. Its getting under control now (taken us nearly 7 years) but there have been times when he has been covered in it.

I couldnt take him anywhere without someone saying 'whats WRONG with him?' 'What happened to him?' 'Cant you do anything for him?' or the corker 'He has got eczema you know'

They would usually go on to offer me various cures and/or berate me for neglecting him.

All this in front of him with no regard for his feelings at all. I had to stay calm and not be 'rude' to these 'helpful' people. They could say what the feck they liked of course because they were only being curious or helpful .

addicted Changing Faces is a really good organisation that can give your DN and his family advice on dealing with reactions to facial differences.

If he were deaf, hopefully they would also speak directly do him, as he presumably have hearing aids and lip read.

But yes, it is rude to speak about him like he's not there. YANBU.

I have something noticable about me.

People always ask about it.

I have come to accept that it will happen and they don't mean any harm. It is nosy, yes, but that is human nature. There is no ill will and as someone said it is better than staring.

It is easier just to go with it and have a stock response TBH, as it will always happen through his life and finding a response that he/you are comfortable with will make it easier.

If people are nasty then that's a different matter, obviously.

I think vinegartits and SDTG have it spot on. OP I don't think people do it to be malicious although they are being nosey. Have you spoke to you sister about it? How does she feel?

ah
my ds had a funny eye too till it was operated on.
i rather liked peopel asking tbh - i liked to explain,

thanks everyone for your advice i respect your opinions but still stand by the fact that people shouldnt be so nosey there is no reason why they need to know. when they are constantly asking it is drawing attention to the fact that he is slightly different and we dont want his confidence knocked he knows hes blind in one eye has tumour ect and doesnt need reminding on a daily basis. chegirl thankyou for that organisation name i will google it and have a look.

i realise people probably dont do it malicously but if they would just stop and think for a moment.

But do you accept that there could be someone in a very similar situation who would get equally irritated if no-one asked about their dc's problem? So people are damned if they do and damned if they don't.

Personally I think it would be a very sad world if we all stopped paying attention to other people and being interested in them - because if you have no interest in anyone but yourself, how are you going to care for anyone else, or be thoughtful towards strangers you encounter?

I was thinking about this yesterday.

IME when you have something that is different you can get quite angry about it, and have phases of being angry. In those phases, when people ask you about it, it feels instrusive and attacking. At the times when you are feeling more accepting of things, more comfortable in your own skin, then the same questions are taken as simply people being interested, and not meaning any harm.

To say that people should not notice differences, is to say that they should stop being human. We all notice everything quickly when we look at someone - sex, height, clothes, skin colour, hair colour, hairstyle etc and yes any obvious physical characteristices that are different to the norm.

The key is whether that noticing leads to nastiness/discrimination. If so, then it is wrong. If people are noticing, as is human to do, and asking, and not meaning any harm, then that is different. With a difference that is going to be life-long I'm afriad that my take is that it is easier to accept that people will stare, and they will ask, but 99% of them will not be feeling or thinking anything negative or malicious. Because people are not going to change, natural curiosity is not going to stop, and how you handle those people will affect how easily you come to terms with your difference.

IMO anyway. I understand the anger though, I have been there, but life is so much easier now I am not angry any more. It is not the fault of these people that I am different. And I do not mind them reminding me that I am different because I have come to peace with it. It took some decades to get there admittedly, but for me it is better.

I don't know if that is any help.

How do you know it was disgust they were all feeling fio? Maybe they were just looking at someone who was different.

Should we all avert our eyes when someone who is different is among us? That is worse IMO.

VinegarTits and DTG...can you not see that it is bloody rude for strangers to ask AT ALL? Every person thinks it's just them - can they not see that they are just one of a parade of nosy tactless strangers who make reference to a child having something 'wrong' with them?

yes, I'm angy too! When you have a child with a difference, the fact that a constant stream of strangers make it their first point of reference that you child has something 'wrong' with them. That's what the child hears - that the first and only thing strangers have to say is 'what's WRONG with him'.

I always responded tactfully and in a way that I hoped would educate them - except when we were subject to a bit of unasked for impromptu faith healing, an opinion about it being Jesus' will for me being an older mother, and really really stupid and intrusive comments containing ignorant advice.