to be upset with people when they ask me what is WRONG with my nephews eye

[addictedtolatte]

my nephew was born without an optic nerve and an eye condition which has left him with a tumour (non cancerous) and a catteract which makes his eye hazey looking. he is also blind in this eye. he is 7 now and has coped remarkebly with this disability. when am out in public with him i get asked by adults what is wrong with his eyes. how rudei constantly have to say "why dont you ask him yourself he is sight disadvantaged not deaf" i just dont want him growing up thinking there is something wrong with being partially sighted.

People stare at people who are very fat, very thin, very tall, very short, very beautiful, very blonde, very dark, wearing unusual clothes etc etc. I stare at "normal" children I'm sure, if they are very cute or playing loudly or running about or trying to eat a sandwich or loads of things.

It is human nature. Most people don't even realise they're doing it. And people are not going to stop staring I'm afraid, and to stop them staring I think you would have to almost stop them noticing other people entirely which would not be good.

I am still amazed that you were able to identify that every single person in a queue of people was feeling disgust. I will have to take your word for it though.

Do you think they';re asking because it looks like he's knocked it, as opposed to a lasting condition which people may be more delicate about?

I honestly cannot imagine anyone being irritated that complete strangers failed to ask questions about someone's disability! Purely for the purpose of satisfying their own curiosity!

If you get to know someone, then of course it crops up, naturally, alongside everything else.

That happened to me on a bus once Blu. Someone went into one, going on and on and on about how if I turned to Jesus I would be healed. I was trying to point out that genetic mechanical problems of this type aren't fixable. But he just kept on and on about how Jesus would cure me if only I would put my faith in him.

In the end I lost the plot and got a bit shouty, then went home for a cry.

"People's nosiness doesn't trump others' feelings."

Top post.

I think my point is that people are going to do it, they just are.

If they're not being nasty or malicious, then there's no point getting worked up about it - as if you do you will spend all your time worked up and that is not a nice way to spend your days IYSWIM. Most people do not mean any harm, they are just not engaging their brains before they speak. And TBH the ones who don';t ask you can see them wondering, and so often it;s easier just to get it out the way I think.

I know people look, stare, are interested - in a positive way - but this thing that the OP comments on - that a small child, who is learning language, social skills, who they are in the world - hears so frequently 'what is WRONG with him?' - that cannot fail to have an effect. Totally differnt from a world-weary or confident adult dealing with the same thing!

'What's WRONG with him?' - he learns that the world at large views him first and foremost, before they even know his name, as someone with something wrong with him.

What is WRONG with people that they cannot see that that is rude and tactless?

ImSoNot -I do agree that it is something you have to come to terms with, find a way of handling etc, as the target of it. But that doesn't make it a brilliant thing to do, so people sayong it is OK that people do this, and making it the target's problem, rather than rude people's rudeness, make my blood boil!

The other thing is children will often ask direct questions, non-maliciously, of someone who is different in any way- are you going to get angry about that, too? And it is very true that some people prefer not to have their difference, whatever it is, ignored or ever-so-tactfully tiptoed round. Because there are going to be times when people need to refer to it ie whether a person needs extra help, whether (if it's a visual issue) they have percieved the bollard in front of them, or the not-very-obvious step, whether they need a chair moved or exchanged...

SGB - firstly, there is a difference between a child sayng 'why is your eye like that?'- which has no value judgement contained within it, and secondly, quereies whre help or other communication is onvolved is not the subject of this thread, as discussed by the OP. Both are differnt from randon strangers, taking it uopn themselves to say 'what is WRONG with him'.

Why are people so defensive about this?

I had this when I was a child as well. People always asked then, asked my mum etc.

I am just saying what my take is on this, how I have learnt to deal with something that is difficult, but unfortunately is not going to go away.

I am not saying anyone else is wrong or right to feel as they do, and I understand the anger and upset, I'm just saying what I have found is easiest on a practical day to day basis, to avoid having to go around wanting to chin people all day IYSWIM.

I think it is the asking what is 'wrong' that is offensive. I think that would mostly confuse ds. He doesn't have anything 'wrong' jjsut different.

I don't mind the why questions so much.

My saddest experience was when a lovely lad came up to ds1 and was trying to be friendly and then asked why he had a wheelchair. His parents looked horrified and marched him off!

I do like it when strangers talk to ds when we are out and about. People talk to my other children, but lots avoid looking at ds when he is in his wc. It is good for his development too, as he has social issues.

Children ask direct questions because they are children who are learning about the right and wrong way to behave. Adults should know better.

I have never ever had anything negative said to me about dd but we cannot leave the house without people feeling the need to comment, stare and ask questions. the staring doesn't actually bother me that much because I think it is a natural reaction ( aslong as it is brief and not prolonged jaw drop staring IYKWIM!). But the questions and comments I find staggering. these people are just being nosey, simple as that.

I wouldn't go up to someone and ask why are you in that wheelchair? why are you walking funny? what is that bandage covering etc etc so why do people think they have a right to ask about a child?

BUT it always happens and it always will. I can't control other people, I can only control myself. I have to react in a way which will protect dd's feelings, regardless of the moron who has approached us. So I am always, bright, breezy, curt, factual and end the conversation with my answer. Finished. I have a smile on my face and so does dd and that is all that matters.

ImSoNotTelling - All credit to you - I understand that completely, and now, in RL, I am 'philosophical' inn the face of so much nonsense that has come DS's way, and still does.

What makes me mad is adults who continue to justify rude behaviour and make it the target's problem.

Friendly talk which happens to incude matter of fact reference to disability is fine, of course it is.

i can't understand why people think they have the right to know tbh. what people son't relise is they won't be the only one to ask/stare, just going round the shops wopuld take forever if you stopped to answer questions all the time.
why can't people just treat him normally.
I hate starers with a passion(unless they are tiny, then they are normally looking at the wheelchair) but when some ugly adult/child just stands and stares I get pissed off.