to be upset with people when they ask me what is WRONG with my nephews eye

[addictedtolatte]

my nephew was born without an optic nerve and an eye condition which has left him with a tumour (non cancerous) and a catteract which makes his eye hazey looking. he is also blind in this eye. he is 7 now and has coped remarkebly with this disability. when am out in public with him i get asked by adults what is wrong with his eyes. how rudei constantly have to say "why dont you ask him yourself he is sight disadvantaged not deaf" i just dont want him growing up thinking there is something wrong with being partially sighted.

Blu yes the thing is I think it is often harder for the parent than the actual person, as to be a parent is to be very protective and having to field twattish questions and staring all day on behalf of a beloved child must be awful, and not something I have experienced.

Maybe it is easier when it is about you, rather than your child IYSWIM.

I do, sort of, see what you mean about the repetition of 'wrong' being bad for a child. But on the other hand in general I think it;s bad practice to take offence al the time when no offence was meant.

Blu - you are right that rudeness and nosiness are not acceptable, but equally, I am sure that the vast majority of people don't set out intending to be rude or nosy, or wanting to make a child (or indeed an adult) feel bad. I would not seek to justify someone using negative terminology that could upset either a child or the adult with them.

But it is not easy to know what best to do - ignore the issue and have it be the elephant in the room that no-one acknowledges or talk about it? I do worry that some people might think their disability was being ignored as if it were not 'nice' to talk about it. I do accept what's been said about it being part of a normal discussion, not the first focus of any conversation.

It does seem like a bit of a minefield, though - I can't know how someone else feels about discussing their disability, so can only do my best, with good intentions, and hope not to cause offense.

Of course most reasonable people have no wish to offend anyone - least of all people, children, with disabilities. The vast majority of people commmunicate with good intentions, and that usually shows - and is fine.

Which is why I think it's important to listen to what this OP is saying - and Fio, and me - and say 'gosh, yes, I can see that it might be really wearing to have numerous strangers come up and say, in hearng of your child, what's WRONG with him', and be part of a positive general sprading awareness of good maners.

I have never taken offence. I am reacting to rudeness, and saying I have found it both rude, intrusive and insensitive. It IS. Would a woman who had lost her hair due to chemo, say, be taking offence if they said they found it rude that random strangers on the tube came up and said to her partner 'what's wrong with her hair?'

When in this situation with both children and adults I tend not to ask, and carry on the conversation as if I haven't noticed. I might be worng, but I do so because I feel that it shows that it isn't that big a deal to me or to them. Especially with children I think, the more attention other people and strangers bring to it, however well meaning, the more apparent they will grow up thinking it is. Therefore the more different they will feel. I'm a teacher and do come across children with things that make them 'different' like this.

So, OP, in my opinion YANBU. People may be well meaning, but it doesn't make it the 'right' thing to do in my book.

I just find it rude that any one would have a need to comment or ask a question. unless they are a new aquaintance who would be spending time with the family then it would proabaly be a natural thing to ask or maybe the parent explain. I can't believe for one minute a total stranger would ask out of concern, absolutely ridiculous.

I've been out with my parents and had other adults turn to my father and ask him how my mother lost her leg. The fact that she is sat right there so they could ask her seems to pass them by! As does the fact that it is really very nosy and none of their business.

I think about thgis a lot and I think tbh it is incredibly difficult to talk about in the abstract.

I have had people approach me and ask things that on paper would look rude and horrible. But in that moment of interaction I have known absoloutely thatthey are friendly and kind in intent.

Equally I have had people glance over and look away and their faux polite/not staring has contained huge quantities of contempt which has made me want to twat them. Very hard.
I hate people who are nasty and casually cruel and then trot out 'oh gosh some people just want to be offended. There are scum like that posting on MN at times and it annoys me.

But I know too thatthere are kind, intelligent people who try to find ways to be open and inclusive and yet feel strangled by language and by the fear of saying something wrong.

I worry about the way interaction between people with and without disabilities is becoming polarised. I worry how good people fear talking to me about my genuinely fascinating son. And how shithead use 'its PC gone mad' as a cover for their small minded vileness.
I worry how my son will cope in a world where a nice man is scared to help him when he falls from a swing and teenagers are using retard as their insult of choice.

I worry.

I had a very similar experience when I was growing up. I've a prosthetic eye since I was young, people would always come up to us and ask my mum "what's wrong with your daughters eye"

It happened my whole childhood, but less so in adulthood.

After a while, I just accepted I was different to everyone else and just did the best I could.

To me, it was nothing but rude. People should mind their own god damn fucking business.

OP you are so NBU about this. My dd used to have a facial disfigurement and I got so fed up with strangers asking me what was 'wrong' with her. It is upsetting.

I came up with 2 stock responses, one for adults one for children.

For the adults, where there is just no excuse for their rudeness, I would just say, "there is nothing wrong with her." They would then either look embarassed (if they were decent people) or else look at me like I was mad.

I agree with david tennant's girl. Of course people should be polite and courteous, but being interested in others is normal.

I worry that we create a situation of 'oh my god he's disabled, look away, look away, don't speak, you'll only make an arse of yourself OH HELLO!' sort of thing if we're utterly terrified of saying/ doing the wrong thing when faced with people who look different to ourselves.

I've got psoriasis, which sometimes gets a bit bad and goes on my face. I think it's really sweet when kids say 'did you hurt yourself?' and try to touch it etc, they're just curious bless them. I have psoriasis - it's not a secret, it's a fact. I'm not ashamed of it and anybody who asks what it is will be met with a straight, often humourous answer.

Sometimes I see other people with what looks like psoriasis and I'd love to be able to say 'Oh you have psoriasis too! How do you treat it?' etc but I'd be scared to, as some people think it is a grave insult if you notice things about them and ask questions.

i think i just need to accept the world is full of rude people. there is a world of difference between looking and staring. looking and noticing something is different is normal but staring is just not acceptable.

when children ask about him my dn is happy to explain to them as they are just being children. children just say what they see and that is fine. i just wish people could comment on what a polite boy he ie or what good looking boy he is (which he is)he gets it from his mum though not me it just alway seems to about his disability being WRONG. i think WRONG is not a good word to use. sorry about the rant it just makes my blood boil. just for the record i dont really get angry in front of my dn i learn to count to 10.

What people need to understand is that it's not one person asking one question about you. It's a person at the post office asking, another at the shop, another at the park, another at the school gates, another in town, another on the bus........

To be told it's none of their business is acceptable IMO, because quite frankly, it's not their business.

Would you rather live in a world where no-one had any interest in anyone but themselves, rastababi?

And the person who asks you a question and gets short shrift may be less likely to offer help to someone disabled because they don't want to get accused of rudeness.

To point and stare is rude. To stop and ask questions about someone's disability isn't. It's meant with good intentions IMHO. They are showing a genuine interest and have taken the time to stop and ask you as the adult who will be able to explain it better than the child.

In these kind of situations, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl, to me, the issue isn't about "showing interest".

I've been at the brunt of "what's wrong with you?" for 15 years of my young life. Maybe you would feel differently about it if it had been you.

rastababi the rude people who intrude into your business have something WRONG with them not you. my dn is a lovely confident little boy and thats the way i want it to stay. i think people will only understand if they have to walk in other peoples shoes for a day IYSWIM.

Rastababi - I can understand how being asked what's 'wrong' with you over and over would be horribly hurtful and damaging, and I am not advocating that. It seems from this thread that it is ok as far as some people are concerned, to ask questions if it is part of a friendly conversation - is that a fair assessment?

I do agree that people need to be sensitive and thoughtful about how they approach the subject - I certainly advocate marching up to strangers and interrogating them. But I get the impression from you that you'd rather I never mentioned your disability - and that seems like ignoring the elephant in the room. Would I be fair to assume that it's like my weight - I would be hugely offended if it was someone's conversational gambit, but I tend to bring it up in conversation so people know that I am acknowledging the elephant in the room (in this case, the elephant being me). In the same way, would you be happy discussing your disability if it came up in conversation?

I am not asking to pick holes in what you have said but because, like most people, I don't want to cause offense or hurt by saying the wrong thing or by not saying the right thing, if you see what I mean.

I agree stayingdavidtennantsgirl, if it was brought up in a conversation, I gladly talk about it and openly discuss it. I have done many times and still do now if it's relevant

What I don't like however are strangers blurting out "whats wrong with you" out of the blue, not even a "hello how are you" to start with. It's actually shocking how far some people will go, fine example was when I went swimming, and the life guard said to me "I won't let you on the slide until you tell me what happened to your eye". I was 7 years old.

So yes, I guess I'm 50/50 on this one, depending on the circumstances.

A lifeguard said that to you, rastababi - that is atrocious and totally unacceptable.

Apart from it being rude or nosey or even just genuine concern/interest,

sometimes its just boring to be asked for the 6th time in one shopping trip! Or to be told for the 10th time that a bag of oats and a lard poltice will 'clear that right up'.

As Fio says the onus is always on us to be polite and listen when most of the time I just want to get on with what I am doing.

Of course most of those people are trying to be helpful but it doesnt really change the fact that its a PITA to be accosted by amature dermatologists wherever you go

When my DD was a wheelchair user and obviously ill 'nice' people used to come up and pat her knee and smile at her so hard their faces looked like they were going to fall off. Of course they wanted to be nice to the girl with cancer, their hearts were probably breaking for her. But she was 14 and just wanted to go shopping. She didnt like people saying 'I...HOPE...YOU.... ARE... HAVING.... A....LOVELY.... TIME...' when she was in Asda. She had to smile and nod politely when I am sure she wanted to tell them to feck off. Not fair really .

Yup, sadly I was too young to know better and told him (the slide was worth it though )

Yes, Fio, it is. Luckily my mother is still in possesion of all of her faculties bar her right leg! She is a very polite lady though, and always came up with a smart but gentle comment. My father, if left to his own devices wouldn't have been quite so polite I'm sure!

Besides, did no-one tell these people that 'she is the cat's mother'!