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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I prob am, but I feel sad, and Im gonna pour my guts out, feel free to flame.

58 replies

loopylou6 · 08/03/2010 22:03

I had ds when I was 16. Still with DS's dad, married now.

Whilst DS was young I lived with my parents, DH went to college and learned his trade (gas fitter/plumber) When DS was 2 we moved in together. 5 years later, along came DD. I was a happy stay at home parent, Now DS is nearly 11, and DD is nearly 6, I thought it is a perfect time to find a job. I have had endless difficulty finding a job because of lack of experience.

I got an interview which was scheduled for tomoz, although now I have to cancel because I asked my mum to have the kids on school hols, understandable she has said no because it will interfere with her friends visiting and her shopping days.

DH is working at the moment and I am starting to feel resentment towards him

I resent how he has gained quals, and I dont have many. I resent how he can go out to work and I am imprisioned at home.

Above all, I resent how he falls asleep every night at 9:30 on the couch

Where IS my life? Is this what I am destined for?

Dont get me wrong I LOVE my children, and I wouldnt swap them for anything am I wrong for wanting to work?

Am I wrong for being pissed off with DH wittering on about his day in work whilst I rot at home?

OP posts:
MrsAFlowerpot · 08/03/2010 22:05

It sounds as though things are difficult for you at the moment loopy. Have you spoken to DH about it at all?

Would you be interested in doing a college course whilst your DCs are at school as a way to gain qualifications and look at what work you may want to do?

Devendra · 08/03/2010 22:07

You should do a course. Start with a small one to get into the swing of it then do something that you really want to do. The only way to get rid of your resentment is to change your life.

thisisyesterday · 08/03/2010 22:09

hmm ok well instead of cancelling your interview tomorrow how about ringing everyone you know and finding someone else who can look after your children?

can your dh not take a little bit of time off and look after them? this is important after all.

it sounds like things are getting you down right now, but you don't have to sit there and let them. childcare is just another hurdle to get over, and you can do it, if you really want to...

Original poster
loopylou6 · 08/03/2010 22:10

Well the thing is, when DD started nursery, I did do courses, purposely to prepare myself for work once she started school full time.

I did First Aid, Maths, and also a diploma in CLAIT.

I fully expected to get a job once she started school, stupidly I didnt think about school hols.

I feel so trapped

OP posts:
stealthsquiggle · 08/03/2010 22:11

College is a good idea. Have you looked into grants for access courses - you should be eligible, I would have thought? Alternatively, are there any options that would get you back into the world of work with term-time only - jobs at school - or some supermarkets, etc can do flexible contracts?

What sort of job are you looking for? You can do this, you know.

Pozzled · 08/03/2010 22:13

There are options out there for the school hols, holiday clubs and so on. If I were you I would still go to the interview tomorrow, if nothing else it would be good experience and if you got offered the job it would give you a huge confidence boost. Don't dismiss it just because your mum can't do the hols.

stealthsquiggle · 08/03/2010 22:14

What sort of jobs are you looking at? would it fund holiday clubs / CM for holidays (even if that took all your income, you would still be earning in termtime IYSWIM). Holiday care is, as thisisyesterday said, just another hurdle.

KurriKurri · 08/03/2010 22:15

The first thing I would say is you are still very young, you certainly shouldn't feel as if your chance of a job has passed you by.

What sort of thing would you like to do? maybe you could look up career services and get some advice. Would you like to gain more qualifications? - perhaps you cold look into college courses/correspondence courses. You might also want to try some voluntary work - it would give you experience.

Also when you're applying for jobs, make sure you don't dismiss the experience you have had bringing up and caring for two children, organising them, budgeting and all the other jobs that go with being a parent.

I would make this about you and your needs, don't waste energy resenting your DH, would he be happy to chat about how you feel, and offer a bit of support?
Good luck.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 08/03/2010 22:15

Or, if not a course, do some voluntary work. There are so many different kinds out there. It will help your confidence (been there), address your lack of skills (been there). The good thing about voluntary work is that you can do it at times to suit you - you won't need childcare, and if it doesn't suit, you can always leave (giving proper notice, of course). You will be immediately getting out there, interacting with others, and seeing what you want to do.

You are not wrong to want a life outside your family.

Here's a website I used to find voluntary work:

www.do-it.org.uk

hairymelons · 08/03/2010 22:15

Studying would fit in with school hols.
Also, once you're working, would you be able to afford childcare for during the holidays anyway?
Or as stealth says, look for work in a school/ college/ uni.

stealthsquiggle · 08/03/2010 22:16

Sorry OP - did you want bracing practical advice, or just sympathy ?

Original poster
loopylou6 · 08/03/2010 22:16

But I would feel guilty leaving the kids with a stranger, I only have my mum and dad, DH parents are unsuitable.

I f I went for the interiew and got the job, It would be like rubbing salt in the wounds.

Im so pissed off right now, I dont have a life.

Even DH falls asleep early coz he is tired from work, plus all he can talk talk about is what whoever said in work today

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 08/03/2010 22:17

why feel guilty? when you're working you're probably going to have to use some sort of childcare anyway.

you must have a friend or someone who could have them???

Jamieandhismagictorch · 08/03/2010 22:19

here's a link to that website

X posted with everyone. I know it seems like a huge step to get childcare when you've never had it before, but your DC are old enough now.

stealthsquiggle · 08/03/2010 22:19

OK - I'm going to be blunt now - sorry.

These are excuses, not reasons. I can absolutely understand that you are nervous about interview and consequences of getting the job, but your DC are (nearly) 11 and 6 - not babies - and they will have a whale of a time at holiday clubs and the like. Get the job first, then worry about childcare.

thisisyesterday · 08/03/2010 22:20

ohh sorry, see i totally misread the OP!

i thought you needed childcare for tomorrow but your mum couldn't do it.

Unless the job is hideously poorly paid then there is no reason why you couldn't take it and use paid child-care during the holidays. You'll be entitled to a certain amount of holiday yourself so you can use that up for some of it.

really, there are a lot of people out there in the same position as you.
it seems like you're giving up at the first hurdle

Original poster
loopylou6 · 08/03/2010 22:21

Lol Stealth, both are welcome

I am looking at office work, which is why I did my diploma in CLAIT.

Im just in such a shitty situation, I want to get out there,but waht to do about childcare?

I have spoke to DH, and he is sympathetic, but the way he see's it is, he can earn sooo much mopre than me, his £11 an hour to my min wage. Dont compare really.

Prob is I have depression and anxiety and I dont feel I can just sit here anymore with having a meltdown.

OP posts:
bosch · 08/03/2010 22:23

Blimey Loopy, you're only 27 and you have already held down a full-time job (bringing up children and home-making) for 11 years!

You have to think around the school hols issue a bit more. Talk to other working mums about how they afford/manage it.

I'm lucky that I work half time and dh works 80% so we can cover most of the hols, with just a little bit of holiday club thrown in. We don't have parents nearby who can help.

My sis has has the boys for a week in the summer twice but she was pretty knackered at the end of it. Maybe your mum would do the odd week?

Can you find a friend who you could swop children with to get you another free week of care? You'll have to be creative. Have you already cancelled the interview? You need to get the job offer first to encourage you to be cheeky in your requests for help in looking after your children.

stealthsquiggle · 08/03/2010 22:23

So - how about office work in a school/nursery/college/uni?

Original poster
loopylou6 · 08/03/2010 22:24

OUCH Stealth, you talk hard but true

I am in the middle of blagging my mum to have the kids for at least the upcoming 2 weeks hol, At least then I could work freely till the summer hols, in which time I would have a few months experience under my belt.

Weyher she will do it or not...I dont know.

OP posts:
BooyhooNOTboohoooORbooyou · 08/03/2010 22:25

loopylou6

i really understand how you feel. i am lucky enough to have a job right now that i had just before i got pregnant with ds 1 over 5 years ago. i was 17 and had only my gcse's and so when i had ds i didn't progres an further with quals.

now two dses later and i am still in exactly the same postion i was then only i am part-time and not earning enough to keep us going. except because OH works in england i cant get to do any evening courses to try and make myself employable. both my parents work full time and similar to you OH's parents arent an option. we cant afford to put the boys in full time childcare so i can do a course unless i am getting paid (which i wouldnt be).

i know i am very lucky to already have a job but i really dont want to be stuck in it intil the boys have left. i want to be me and not just mum who works for the bills.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 08/03/2010 22:25

loopy - you have to break it down into small steps so it doesn't seem overwhelming

Do you think, since you are anxious/depressed, that the childcare thing is an excuse ? Not blaming you. If you think it is, then you need to get your confidence UP. For me, volunteering was the way to go. I am a different person from how I was a year ago .......

Original poster
loopylou6 · 08/03/2010 22:28

Awww bosch that made me alittle teary eyed, but I have drank a bottle of wine whilst mulling things over

The prob I have is with leaving my kids with anyone other than my mum.

I dont have any other family, just my parents, and TBH no reliable friends that I would trust my DC with.

I dont wanna feel that this is it for me.

OP posts:
Granny23 · 08/03/2010 22:29

Loopy what is CLAIT?

From a Granny's point of view - I would say no to a 6 week block of full time childminding. However, if it were broken up a bit I would be much more willing. If, for instance Mum takes 2 weeks holiday and Dad takes a different 2 weeks holiday then Granny might consider 2 x single weeks in between. There might be summer playschemes that the childen could be booked into for some of the time. Most working parents have to juggle things around but manage it somehow.

In addition to jobs IN schools and colleges there are peripheral jobs which follow the school holidays, eg crossing patrol, school bus driver. I even know someone who works in a sandwich shop/takeaway near a big school who is not needed during the quiet periods when the school is closed.

Jamieandhismagictorch · 08/03/2010 22:31

have you looked at that website ? Vol work is not just visiting elderly people etc (though that's all good). it can be office work ......

It will give you the "feel" of being away from the DCs, give you a sense of being a seperate person, so you can foresee them in childcare.

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