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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I prob am, but I feel sad, and Im gonna pour my guts out, feel free to flame.

58 replies

loopylou6 · 08/03/2010 22:03

I had ds when I was 16. Still with DS's dad, married now.

Whilst DS was young I lived with my parents, DH went to college and learned his trade (gas fitter/plumber) When DS was 2 we moved in together. 5 years later, along came DD. I was a happy stay at home parent, Now DS is nearly 11, and DD is nearly 6, I thought it is a perfect time to find a job. I have had endless difficulty finding a job because of lack of experience.

I got an interview which was scheduled for tomoz, although now I have to cancel because I asked my mum to have the kids on school hols, understandable she has said no because it will interfere with her friends visiting and her shopping days.

DH is working at the moment and I am starting to feel resentment towards him

I resent how he has gained quals, and I dont have many. I resent how he can go out to work and I am imprisioned at home.

Above all, I resent how he falls asleep every night at 9:30 on the couch

Where IS my life? Is this what I am destined for?

Dont get me wrong I LOVE my children, and I wouldnt swap them for anything am I wrong for wanting to work?

Am I wrong for being pissed off with DH wittering on about his day in work whilst I rot at home?

OP posts:
overmydeadbody · 08/03/2010 22:33

loopy /I have to agree with stealth, you sound like you are giving yourself excuses rather than having actual obstacles stopping you from working.

I know how scary it can seem, but you will have to rely on childcare. Once they start in childcare you won't be leving your children with strangers as you will get to know the person/people.

When your childrne started school the teachers and staff where strangers to you, but I bet you don't view them as strangers now.

It is a big step, going out to work after being a SAHM, but trust me, it is really worth it once you do start working.

barrym · 08/03/2010 22:33

I think taht Jamie is right. You could do something voluntary in term time just to help with experience and anxiety, and have no probs with childcare. That way you would be able to have something to 'talk about' and not feel trapped or that you were worrying about dcs.

stealthsquiggle · 08/03/2010 22:33

My parents would no way want to have my DC for the whole of the school holidays either, TBH. DH laughs and me and friend when we sit down with spreadsheets to work out affordable cover for holidays (she works 4 day weeks, so do I, leaving only 3 'paid-for' days a week) but it has to be done.

Loopy - sorry - I don't mean to be mean. Have you talked to the DC about it? They must have lots of friends whose mothers work - you may well find that they would love to go to holiday clubs - and if you combine that with DH taking some holiday, you taking some holiday, and your mother doing a few days here and there, 6 weeks will be dealt with before you know it.

barrym · 08/03/2010 22:33

I think taht Jamie is right. You could do something voluntary in term time just to help with experience and anxiety, and have no probs with childcare. That way you would be able to have something to 'talk about' and not feel trapped or that you were worrying about dcs.

Original poster
loopylou6 · 08/03/2010 22:33

BooyhooNOTboohoooORbooyou I totally understand where you are coming from.

Sometimes I wonder who I am, since I just turned 16, I have been a mum, not that I would change ANYTHING I love my DC to bits, and given the choice Id take the same path, but it is hard when I see DH progressing in his career and I think, WHY did you have the option and I didnt, Im such a bitch...

Jamieandhismagictorch, You may be right, I might be using it as an excuse, considering my main anxiety is health anxiety, but I just couldnt comprhend passing over my precious cargo to a stranger

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 08/03/2010 22:37

loopy - listen - I used to feel like that, and I'm 40, and had a bit of a career before DCs.

It's not too late, but you need to tackle your anxiety, and really, the most helpful way of doing that is by doing, not thinking

Original poster
loopylou6 · 08/03/2010 22:37

For those who have suggested it, I think maybe combined holiday may actually work I know my mum would help out here and there, but understamdably 6 weks is to much.

Its deffo somehting to chew on.

God I love Mumsnet.

OP posts:
Jamieandhismagictorch · 08/03/2010 22:38

PS, have suffered from anxiety and depression myself. I know what I'm talking about !

Jamieandhismagictorch · 08/03/2010 22:39

Good. Am going to bed now.
Let us know how you are getting on

thisisyesterday · 08/03/2010 22:40

i don't think you can complain about not being able to go and work, if you aren't willing to compromise!

that compromise is going to have to be childcare. your children are 11 and 6. they aren't babies any more and they will be fine being looked after by peopl eother than your parents.

I think at the end of the day you have 2 choices.
1.)be their main carer until you feel ready to let someone else look after them
2.) get a job and accept that other people will have to do some of the childcare.

it's really that simple.

thesteelfairy2 · 08/03/2010 22:43

Can you temp during term time? This is what I will have to do. Ds has SN so very difficult to find childcare. I live in a city though so there are loads of agencies and temp jobs around. I was a legal secretary before dc and would need to brush up skills before I went back. Would you want to do something like that?

hairymelons · 08/03/2010 22:44

Just clicked on the banner at the top of the page and...ta da! Advice on going back to work/ training etc. at Sure Start centres apparently.
Link here in case you cannae be arsed to scroll up

Original poster
loopylou6 · 08/03/2010 22:45

Thank you ladies, I really appreciate the advice, even the 'pull yourself together advice'

My interview is supposed to be at 11:30 am tomoz. I will let you know waht happens, and once again, thanks.

I will check in in the morning.

Bed for me now, G'night all.

OP posts:
BooyhooNOTboohoooORbooyou · 08/03/2010 22:46

loopy i find that finding the right childcare for your dc makes it so much easier to go to work in the morning. i have no qualms whatsoever with leaving my two with the CM as i know they are both happy. it really makes all the difference. also, your dc are a bit older and will be able to let you know if they arent happy.

take some time to visit local CMs/daycare/afterschool care providers and get a feel for what you think your children would be happiest with. most CM's and nurseries offer a settling in period so you can test the waters before commiting financially.

i know how you feel about your DH progressing aswell. OH is currently doing a degree funded by his employer and as he is away from home he has all the time he likes to study or just take a break form studying when it all gets too much. even if i did do a course, i would be fitting it in round the dcs and work.

stealthsquiggle · 08/03/2010 22:47

Good Luck. Go for it, putting all worries about childcare out of your mind, get the job, and then come back and we will come up with a plan!

Original poster
loopylou6 · 08/03/2010 22:47

Thanks for the link HM. Will have a look first thing

Steel fairy, that would be perfect. Term time would be perfect.

Granny, CLAIT is things like word, and excel, spread sheets etc.

OP posts:
BooyhooNOTboohoooORbooyou · 08/03/2010 22:48

go to the interview. even to show yourself you can.

Original poster
loopylou6 · 08/03/2010 22:49

Thanks, Boo and Stealth, will be stalking hunting you down tomoz for a chat

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 08/03/2010 22:55

agree with boo, if you go and if you get offered the job it will be such a boost to you, so even if you don't end up accepting it then it's not done any harm.

good luck

nannynick · 08/03/2010 23:17

Sorry only skim read so this may have already been mentioned.

Could DH not organise his work so that he was around a bit more to help out with childcare? For example, I recently had a plumber do some work in my home and he would arrive by 8am and finish by 2.30pm - so he could collect his DD from school.

ChippingIn · 09/03/2010 08:50

Good Luck at the interview - come back & tell us how well it went!!

porcamiseria · 09/03/2010 09:34

loopylou

I agree that you might be allowing your depression to fog things

If you work you will have to rely on childcare, both for after school care and for school holidays, end of

Now can you live with this, or not? on a logical level millions of kids survive abd thrive this way, but you need to get over this hurdle first before you make any decisions

Office work can actually be Ok paid you know! Develop the PC skills, word, excel, written communications etc.

There a millions benefits available that will help with childcare costs, again it might not leave you much but its a start

dont assume your mother will care for them, have a straight chat and get an idea of where she stands on this

and dont forget you can do unpaid work experience term time to get experience and foot on the ladder

OH its so easy to advise, but DONT give up, you have alot of years left in you girl!

but think this childcare issue is the mainthing to get your head around....

Original poster
loopylou6 · 09/03/2010 12:32

Hi ladies.

Am back from interview, it went like a dream.

The woman was absolutely lovely. I was in there for about 50 minutes, about 10 where spent talking about the job, the rest spent gabbing Turns out she reads all the same titles as me.

I am feeling rather confident...so fingers crossed.

The plan so far is as follows, The kids will go to after school club which they love, so no problems there, the upcoming 2 weeks school hols, my mum has said she will have them, then I dont think there are any more school hols till the six week summer ones, then I will cross that bridge and see what happens.

OP posts:
Original poster
loopylou6 · 09/03/2010 12:33

Oh actually, I have just checked the calender and the kids break up again in may for a week, but thats ok coz DH will just have to book that week off.

OP posts:
BooyhooNOTboohoooORbooyou · 09/03/2010 12:39

ock, i'm really pleased you went and that it has gone so well for you. were you surprised at how easy it is once you are doing it?

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