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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Just wondering.........

91 replies

thesteelfairy2 · 08/03/2010 21:06

what your responses might be to a not so dh who has just walked in from a 3 day trip to Amsterdam for a stag do during which time you were completely alone with 2 small dc (no family or friends nearby) who says "God look what happens when I go away for a long weekend, this place is a complete shit tip, no way I can relax in this!"

Bearing in mind that this is the hell hour of finishing school, cooking dinner, baths etc and the place is pretty much immaculate and well ordered the rest of the time.

So just wondering really........

OP posts:

DulcieVox · 09/03/2010 12:39

re the connection beween the two of you. It's not love. It's not even residual affection from when you did love him. It's a power thing. Obviously he gets something out of controlling you. You get nothing out of being controlled?! so why cant you put a stop to it? because of your dysfunctional connection. You can kill it though.

I don't know how you can kill it when he's wandering around your house 'relaxing' (god the fucker!!). But you can start working on ways to stand up to him. As I said, he will no doubt be an angry self-pitying nightmare when you put your foot down. But start now. Or as soon as you feel able to.

chandellina · 09/03/2010 12:50

he sounds really unpleasant but I think it's great that you are trying to keep things as normal as possible for your kids.

Original poster

thesteelfairy2 · 09/03/2010 12:53

I think I have already started it because he is being extremely self pitying, always going on about living in a crappy bed sit, because we, of course live in the lap of luxury in our HA flat.

I have always thought I was not putting up with his nonsense but I suppose I have changed my behaviours a lot so as not to "set him off".

He has emailed me to apologise this morning but still maintains that he should be allowed to say things like that to me about the house etc. I am conducting my new policy of total non engagement.

OP posts:

BogofFun · 09/03/2010 12:53

I hope you are getting good advice about the complicated tenancy stuff, but I wanted to chip in with the part I can offer some perspective on: my dd2 has severe learning difficulties and autism (not high-functioing in her case), and when I split up from her father we had to have much more frequent and routine-based contact arrangements put in place because of her needs.

They only work because he does NOT cross my threshold. He has his own accommodation and takes dd for a portion of the weekend and one weeknight every week. It's the same every time- we all know where we are with the arrangement and the rhythm of our dd's week is the same.

It works very well, and she adapted surprisingly quickly.

The enormous weight that was lifted from my shoulders meant that she picked up on the changed atmosphere and my much-reduced stress levels and it was a big bonus for her as well as me.

I really wish you the best of luck with moving towards a situation like this, and with the help of your solicitor it should be eminently achieveable with time. Oh, and have another hug from me

shelleylou · 09/03/2010 13:00

fuck off you know where the claning stuff is get on with it

BogofFun · 09/03/2010 13:01

Even if he doesn't get a flat with another bedroom, he should definitely be taking them out for the day/having them over at his until bedtime. It's what everybody else does in that situation- maybe it will encourage him to get his arse in gear and out of a bedsit.

AnyFucker · 09/03/2010 13:07

very glad to see dulcie on this thread...the voice of (unfortunate) experience

steel...the fact that he saves his shitty behaviour only for you just reinforces to me that he is doing it deliberately and with malice aforethought

because he can switch it on and off...he is using it as a weapon against you

of course he isn't a nasty twat to his colleagues and mates etc

because they wouldn't fucking put up with it...

claw3 · 09/03/2010 13:35

Only read some of the thread, but i noted that you said you cannot have his name removed from the joint tenancy as you are in rent arrears.

You cannot just have his name removed but they can do and an 'assignment of tenancy'. This is a simple form that transfers the tenancy from you and your ex, to you alone.

You could also remind your ex, that all the while his name is on the tenancy he is responsible for paying the rent and any arrears.

Other than that you could get a Court order as part of the divorce proceedings, a 'property transfer order' which basically does the same thing as an assignment of tenancy.

Far better than all the upheaval for you and your ds of having to move house.

Original poster

thesteelfairy2 · 09/03/2010 13:38

Yes I think you are right, he only bullies those he can get away with it with. It is like he has to keep on doing it to put me where I belong. He is affronted when I stick up for myself or refuse to accept his behaviour. This is what wives are supposed to accept after all.

He must know what he is doing and make a choice to do it as well because he is always excessively nice and reasonable when he wants something. So he obviously has it in him.

I told him I am filing for divorce and it will be on the grounds of Unreasonable Behaviour. He told me to conduct myself with decorum and we would need to discuss what constituted unreasonable behaviour so that "no-one is embarassed".

OP posts:

Original poster

thesteelfairy2 · 09/03/2010 13:40

claw3 no-one has ever mentioned that to me before at HA. That sounds utterly PERFECT! Is that through the HA or do I have to speak to my solicitor about it?

Thanks so much for telling me about that, it feels so good to actually see some light at the end of the tunnel.

OP posts:

claw3 · 09/03/2010 14:03

The 'assignment of tenancy' is done through HA and is really simply, speak to your housing officer, you just fill out a form and it takes about 6 weeks. If you explain to them that your ex doesnt live there anymore, you are getting divorced and are not really on amicable terms etc and you are agreeing to take full responsibility of rent and arrears. And its free!

The second through a Solicitor. It takes longer and there is fee to pay.

Good luck.

Original poster

thesteelfairy2 · 09/03/2010 14:06

Brilliant. Will phone her this afternoon. Thank you so much for that.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 09/03/2010 15:36

aww, steel, I am cheered to see you getting some support and good advice on this thread

DulcieVox · 09/03/2010 16:14

That is good news from Claw about the tenancy assignment. If he kicks off, don't hesitate to call the police. I never asked for help even though I needed it, and I regret it now. I wanted to protect him from the shame and inconvenience of having a criminal record!!!! ARF. Do what you have to do to make you house your private safe home. And if he kicks off, call the police so that are witnesses to his controlling and bullying.

diabolik · 01/10/2010 18:46

God .... now .. what made you think that kind of attitude is all right .. was he still pissed ? ... I mean me and my gf we dont have kids in the house any more ( my stepkids left home) ... but when I go out on business and she makes a pig sty of the place its her problem and I wont lift a finger .. .but its at her pace and not me coming in and complaining about it ...
its live and let live if I wanted a man servant I'd hire one .

LittleMissHissyFit · 01/10/2010 18:58

"every right to comment on the state of where the kids live"

Oh yeah?

In my book you lose all rights when you cheat on the mother of your DC...

Dont' put up with any of this, don't let him in your house again.
Take back the power!

It's yours!

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