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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Just wondering.........

91 replies

thesteelfairy2 · 08/03/2010 21:06

what your responses might be to a not so dh who has just walked in from a 3 day trip to Amsterdam for a stag do during which time you were completely alone with 2 small dc (no family or friends nearby) who says "God look what happens when I go away for a long weekend, this place is a complete shit tip, no way I can relax in this!"

Bearing in mind that this is the hell hour of finishing school, cooking dinner, baths etc and the place is pretty much immaculate and well ordered the rest of the time.

So just wondering really........

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Original poster
thesteelfairy2 · 08/03/2010 21:31

I know. I have to post on here sometimes because of how sure he is of himself that it is ok to do and say the things that he does. I really do question myself sometimes. He was repeatedly unfaithful to me when together but tells me I am "selfish" for not "letting" him live with his dc.

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IwishIwasmoreorganised · 08/03/2010 21:31

I'm glad about that tsf2. He really is taking the piss asking you to do his laundry. Glad you pt him straight on that one!

j0807bump · 08/03/2010 21:33

ohh, he's your EX?

ignore the action bit then-unless you still do thats your business

he has every right to say this? prehaps you've every right to....well you know. not to condone violence but now he's used them to make you're DCs he doesnt need them anymore

lambanana · 08/03/2010 21:34

what a self absorbed twat - you are well rid.

I know you want to keep things on an even keel because of the dc's but I think you should maybe have a rethink about him staying in yours when he comes to see them

Original poster
thesteelfairy2 · 08/03/2010 21:34

lol. Yes his work with me is definitely DONE! Got two gorgeous dc though so he was not a total waste of space.

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Original poster
thesteelfairy2 · 08/03/2010 21:37

I know lambanana, feel a bit trapped by it really. Every day I wish he would meet someone else and lose a bit of interest in us. I am currently filing for divorce (about time) and my solicitor says that part of the settlement can be (if I wish) specified times and days for access. I would love this but feel worried about ds's reaction and the guilt trips I would be sent on by exh.

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AmazingBouncingFerret · 08/03/2010 21:38

You know, every time he makes a comment like that you need to smile wistfully and go "awwww" When he enevitably asks you what is up, just reply.. "Im so fucking glad im not with you anymore"

Original poster
thesteelfairy2 · 08/03/2010 21:41

LOL, I do say that regularly. As he left tonight he made some smarmy comment as he walked out, turned with his mouth open to continue and I said "BYE!" and shut the door in his face. Was quite funny actually.

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ChasingSquirrels · 08/03/2010 21:46

surely you can have set times etc without it affecting ds too much?
You need this man out of YOUR (as opposed to ds's) life.

ouryve · 08/03/2010 21:50

I'd show him where the Dyson was and suggest he either mucked in or some other suggestion for it which wouldn't be made in earshot of the kids.

Original poster
thesteelfairy2 · 08/03/2010 21:51

He works odd hours as well, shifts and just tends to drop in as and when, I never really had a problem with it tbh for the sake of ds but this comment has really pissed me off. Has been building for a while really. Anyway the divorce should take care of it. Hopefully.

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thehillsarealive · 08/03/2010 21:59

what SN does your son have? dont know what your abbreviation means, would you mind explaining to me?

Surely it would be better for your children not to hear their dad speak to their Mum like a piece of shit? And maybe regular days/times depending on shifts would settle your son, you could have a chart with the shifts on and when your ExH will be coming to visit. Or can the children not go to his house to visit?

AnyFucker · 08/03/2010 22:02

tsf2

why are you afraid to tell this ignorant fucker where to get off ?

what will change with the divorsce ? He will still be an arrogant twat...and you will still be taking it

sort it out...you have no reason to put up with that kinda shit

tell him straight, if he can't say anything nice to say nothing at all

and put a stop to him "dropping in" whenever he feels like it...christ he must feel like King Fucking Dick

who cares if the dc see you answering him back ? show a bit of backbone...that is a better lesson to learn, isn't it? That no-one is allowed to be nasty to mummy ?

verytellytubby · 08/03/2010 22:05

Fuck off and I'm going to the pub.

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 08/03/2010 22:26

Oh I think that this deeeelightful chap needs a good thumping from a quiet and civilised chat with a few people from this thread.

How's about you invite us round, and we'll all take turns telling him what we think of him - and finish with the immortal mumsnet phrase:

Off you fuck now, there's a dear!!

AnyFucker · 08/03/2010 22:29

yes, fucker, fuck off and when you get there, fuck off again

am lovin' that

StayingDavidTennantsGirl · 08/03/2010 22:35

Me too, AnyFucker - I think I'll make a note of that for the future.

dayday · 08/03/2010 22:35

Dont worry there is alot of support out there for you without him. You need to be more assertive and in control. Think of the kids they need a good role model which is you. Everyones house is a little messy at that time, you and the kids come first. S

So tell him to fuck off and then live youre life and enjoy it.

Original poster
thesteelfairy2 · 08/03/2010 22:36

Ds has high functioning autism. I think the chart thing would work actually.

I do defend myself believe it or not, he is just so sure of his rightness, it drives me nuts. When he said it I just said quietly "what on earth does it have to do with you, you don't live here", then he said he has "every right to comment on the state of where the kids live". If I kept answering him it would descend into a screaming row every time, so I usually go quiet to avoid that. We don't argue in front of dc as ds gets very upset.

I think the divorce will change things because I will feel stronger and have the law behind me so to speak. He has NPD traits I believe and tends to be a bit wary of those in authority. He has no respect for me or any woman for that matter so I need back up that he can't ignore. Honestly it is not as easy as you think, he is such an arse it is untrue.

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AnyFucker · 08/03/2010 22:40

stf2...if he is so difficult to handle...keep him out of your house

don't give him the opportunity to mess you around

disengaging means that he spends no time in your company

make him wait on the doorstep/in the car when he picks dc up...keep all arrangements by text/email

he has no right to continue to fuck with your head...but you are letting him, it seems to me

thesecondcoming · 08/03/2010 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
thesteelfairy2 · 08/03/2010 22:46

I suppose I am quite scared of him, he can be intimidating. I try to take very small steps when dealing with him so as not to set him off. I know it seems easy to everyone, just tell him to fuck off etc but he lives in a crappy bedsit and dc can't go there so I just try to make it easy for him and dc to have time together.

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Original poster
thesteelfairy2 · 08/03/2010 22:47

Am seriously thinking of moving out my HA flat to privately rented so that he has no rights there at all. Unfortunately he is still on the tenancy here and refuses to come off it.

I am loath to part with a secure home though and just keep hoping he will lose interest.

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AnyFucker · 08/03/2010 22:52

tsf2, this is an awful situation you are in

I feel bad for you, that you feel you still have to appease him and walk on egg-shells even though you aren't even together any longer

I have some big brothers...would you like me to send them round to twat seven shades of shit out of him ?

I am half joking, btw

Original poster
thesteelfairy2 · 08/03/2010 22:55

Actually I used to be in the army and have some male friends who have made the same offer! Bless them.

Would you leave the flat and get your own place to get out of this situation though AF? Beginning to think it is the only way. Don't worry I won't immediately do whatever you say and then blame you if all goes wrong! Just want opinions of whether that would be a really daft thing to do.

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